Forty
Ben
Sadie offers me the comfort that I crave, and she does it so beautifully and in a way that only she can. The conversation solidifies that I cannot go on without her: she is what I want. She and our child.
We barely make it back in time for sound check, then I have the show. This time, she attends. It is our last show, after all, but that’s not why she comes. She’s coming to support me after what she saw. I wonder what it was like seeing that through her eyes. Maybe she will tell me. Maybe this will be the start of something for us to rebuild our foundation on? Who knows . . . tomorrow we were supposed to fly home, but she doesn’t know I canceled that flight. Our future is hanging in the balance, and the time before we fly out is all I have to get her back. Every second counts.
I put all the anger, the pain, and the release of seeing Darren after all these years into my show tonight. Every song wears a new emotion from relief to pain to heartbreak. I will think back to this day often. I’ll remember sitting across from him and saying goodbye for good, letting him know that I have set myself free. I will look back on it when the hard days come. Because trauma can heal, but the scars will always be there, and sometimes I am going to feel it, but all that matters now is how I face it. Do I hide under the blanket or look the monster in the eye and live in temporary discomfort for long-term peace?
“This is the last night of the Run, Baby, Run tour, and I have to say it’s been a fucking ride!” I say that in both the best and worst ways. I started to get sober. I bared my heart to Sadie. I saw the man whom I once called Dad. I pushed Sadie away. But I also had the best moments. The biggest one is finding out I am going to be a father. At first, I ran from it, but now I dream of it. I want this with her. They wrote headlines about me and Sadie and my sobriety, but they have no idea what really happened. This tour has been a peak in my career, all while my personal life fell to shambles. This time in my life has been a paradox. A bittersweet time. And now there is the after. What is it going to be?
The crowd cheers, and I take a second to look over at Sadie. Her eyes are on me, and she gives me a sweet smile. Nick and the stage crew move my piano out to the stage for the last song of our set list. Part one of my grand gesture begins now.
“So, as many of you know, this year I married the most beautiful woman I have ever met, and somehow she said yes and stuck around.” I sit at the piano, and the crowd roars, cheering for my love. I look over at Sadie, and she is biting at her lip, tears ready to fall. I refuse to let those tears be wasted.
“Well, I found out a few weeks ago that we’re pregnant, and I have to say I’m on fucking cloud nine right now. Let’s cheers to that!” The crowd whoops and hollers in congratulations. I bring my eyes back to Sadie and see her holding a hand over her mouth while Nick stands with his arm around her.
“So I want to end this show with a cover of one of her favorite songs by her favorite artist. This one is for you, baby. I hope our melodies that night stay in your mind forever.” With that, I begin the first notes to “Lust for Life” by Lana Del Ray and the Weeknd. The crowd knows the words, and they sing along with me, but my eyes stay on Sadie.
Each word I sing is directly to her; the thousands of people disappear, and I hope Sadie feels every single word.
My words have left her scarred, my actions have caused her love to waver until she wants to leave me, but she has stayed because she loves me. Even when she lost hope, she still stayed to help me.
When the piano solo starts, I look her right in the eyes, unashamed in front of a crowd of our fans and my bandmates. I mouth I love you before I sing the final chorus, and when she mouths it back, I feel her in my heart. She is letting me in like I need her to tonight, because this night is all I have left to make her fall in love with me again.
I play the last few notes at the end of the song, and I see a flashback of every moment I’ve had with Sadie. I see her in the front row at the show where we met, I see her on that kitchen counter letting me touch her like she’s never been touched. I see the lake, the whipped cream fight, the day I first said goodbye to her. I see the moment I asked her to marry me and the second she said yes in front of that courthouse. I see our first time together, and I see how I broke her. I see the pain I selfishly caused.
But tonight I’m going to make new memories, better memories, with her and our child. The greatest memory we ever created.
After the show, I meet my fans. I do my best to speed it up so we can make it to the fair before it closes. When we finish, I head to the hotel room Nick booked for us while he keeps her distracted. I shower and change, cleaning myself up with a shave and styling my hair how she likes it. I put on my black jeans, plaid button-up shirt, and leather jacket.
Grabbing my wallet and phone, I head back to the bus, where they’re all waiting for me. Sadie’s in the back bedroom writing in her journal when I come in. She’s still dressed from the concert, and she looks beautiful in her red dress that hits a few inches above her knees with a scoop neck and a low-cut back that shows off her creamy skin. She wore that on our wedding night. Another memory to smile over. Her hair is down and wavy, and her blue eyes stand out against the red of her lips and dress. She looks like a fucking angel.
“Hey, you mind if I drag you out tonight?” She pauses from writing, taking a deep breath before peering up at me.
“Ben, it’s eleven at night. Besides, I don’t think we should do that.” She means we shouldn’t be alone. She is worried there may be a chance it isn’t over.
“Sadie, I know these past two weeks have been confusing, but please, give me tonight. Just one more night with you.” She looks out the tiny bus window and contemplates what to do while I stand waiting anxiously and sweating under my shirt.
“Fine, okay.”
“Perfect. Grab your jacket, it’s gonna be chilly.” I step out for a second to let her get her shoes and jacket. Finding Nick in the front of the bus, I pull him aside.
“Don’t fuck this up. It’s your last chance, buddy,” he reminds me.
“I won’t let her go without a damn good fight.”
“Good. You better not.” He punches my arm, and I smile, anxious as all hell, like this is the first fucking time I’m meeting Sadie. In a way, it is. I’m sober and getting the help I need. I’m letting go of my past, and that’s a man she’s never met.
“Ready?” she asks, joining us.
“I sure am, angel.”