Chapter Fourteen - Joshua
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Joshua
Elise seems to forget my presence the second she steps foot in the garden.
She doesn’t stop until she’s reached the grass and her knees give out beneath her. My legs twitch to run and catch her, but the image of her horror-struck eyes is at the forefront of my mind, rooting me in place.
I lean back against the wall, careful to remain quiet as I watch each one of Elise’s tightly wound muscles ease in the cool night breeze.
She holds her knees to her chest and lets her head fall back so she has a clear view of the star-filled sky. Her shoulders rise and fall at a slow, measured pace as she relaxes.
Now, I just need to figure out what the hell happened.
I’d been less than an hour from the base when Ryder called to give me an update, but when he found Elise throwing up, I doubled my speed back.
It wasn’t until I finally laid eyes on her that I realized I’d barely been breathing since the call. I’m not sure what calmed me down more, seeing she was okay or seeing her in my bed.
But all the peace was sucked out of me the second our eyes met.
I thought we were on good terms when I left—as good as the terms could be considering our situation. Her chokehold of paralyzing fear completely blindsided me.
You’d think I woke her with a knife to the throat by her reaction.
“Does he know what you’re going to do to me?” Elise’s soft—and notably calmer—voice breaks through my thoughts.
“Who?”
“My conniving snake of a brother,” she clarifies, never moving her eyes from the sky.
Her tone is even, and her breathing is steady, so I deem it safe to move forward. My steps are measured, careful not to spook her.
I reach a spot a few feet from her and lower to the grass. “Yes.”
I expect her fiery anger at the news her brother knows I plan to kill her when all of this is over, but there’s only a silent resignation.
It was only days ago that I tried to extinguish that fire. Why the hell do I find myself looking for it now?
Her head finally turns, and I face a painfully analytic gaze. She regards me like a child would a calculus book. There are a million questions in those deep brown eyes, and, for the first time, I find myself eager to answer them.
“Do you have any siblings?”
Except for that one.
The familiar stabs of guilt pierce my chest, but I manage to maintain my composure even as I strain for breath.
“No. I don’t have any siblings.”
Elise lifts her gaze to the sky. “My brothers were always so protective of me, especially after our mom died. I assume you already know about that?”
I nod in the darkness, but she’s not looking at me to see it.
Everyone in our world knows what happened to Maya Consoli.
It’s not often that one of the patriarchs’ wives is kidnapped and brutally murdered.
The family responsible for the cruelty, the Venturis, weren’t even one of the main American criminal families.
They were reckless and thoughtless—an easy target for Consoli to destroy once he’d grieved the loss of his wife.
It happened well before I entered the mafia world, but the story is common knowledge.
A sad smile forms on her lips. “After that, they all took on roles as my protectors, and they mostly did a good job. It’s hard to wrap my head around the idea that Mason handed me over to you.
I always thought we were the closest. To know that he put me here, that he’s letting you kill me… I never really mattered to him.”
Tears well in her eyes, and I instinctively recoil.
“It’s not that simple,” I tell her. “You weren’t supposed to find out. Besides, Mason has no say in what happens to you now. He’s not the one in charge.”
“If he cared about me the way a brother should, he never would’ve let you near me in the first place. He’d do whatever it takes to stop you from hurting me.” She shakes her head. “You don’t understand. Siblings are supposed to protect each other.”
Siblings are supposed to protect each other.
She has no idea just how right she is.
I should take her to her room—back to her confinement where she can’t force the ghosts of my past into my present. I should stop visiting her and let Ryder deal with her from now on. I should end this conversation now before I make things more complicated than they already are.
But like everything with Elise, I don’t do what I should.
“I do understand.”
“You don’t have siblings. You can’t—”
“I had a sister.”
I regret the words as soon as they leave my lips, but it’s too late.
Elise’s pupils dilate, and she studies my neutral expression before asking, “What happened?”
There’s a tremor in her voice, and it hits me that she’s afraid of my reaction to her question.
She’s afraid I’ll hurt her again.
But there’s something else there, too, something softer. It’s the first time all night that her gaze holds more than fear or apathy, and it takes me a second to identify what the new emotion is.
Hope.
She’s looking for a way to understand me. She’s looking for some deeper meaning for why I am the way I am. She’s looking for the good in me.
She should know by now that it doesn’t exist.
“Car crash,” I explain, because, technically, it’s the truth.
And way more than she has a right to know.
Those big, brown eyes overflow with undeserved sympathy. “Joshua, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
A gentle touch on my shoulder startles us both. Elise pulls her comforting hand back, cowering away with the realization of her own action settling in. She hadn’t meant to reach out to me, but, damn, it felt good.
Too good.
She clears her throat. “What happened to your sister is horrible, but you didn’t choose that. Mason chose to do this to me. He didn’t have to. Would you have done the same to your sister? Put her in the hands of someone who would kill her?”
Her blunt question drives a dull knife into my heart, and it’s a moment before I can speak.
“No, I wouldn’t have done what Mason did,” I admit.
She nods like this was the answer she was expecting.
“But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel guilty. He was doing his duty and proving his loyalty.”
“His duty was to protect me! Don’t act like he’s some man of honor.” She barks a humorless laugh. “Hell, what would you know about honor?”
My fist clenches in a knee-jerk reaction to her disrespect. Elise lifts a hand before I can put her in her place.
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight. I’m too tired.” Her small voice is quiet like she’s working to stop it from breaking, and the sound grates on my chest.
She looks tired, and I wonder if Tripp is overworking her or if her panic attack drained all of her energy. Probably a mixture of both.
“What happened tonight?”
I’ve given her plenty of time to calm down after… whatever it is that happened, and I’m ready for answers.
“Nothing.”
“You and I both know that you’re going to tell me whether I force you to or not,” I remind her.
She must know I’m right because she doesn’t object again. She pulls her legs to her chest and sighs, lifting a bandaged finger.
“I cut myself in the kitchen today, and the blood made me queasy. I still worked and forced myself to eat, even though I felt off. Ryder and I left for the night, but I forgot my dinner in the kitchen, so I went back to get it. That’s when I threw up.”
I wait a moment to allow her time to amend her story.
She doesn’t.
“Anything else?”
Her eyes lift to the sky with the shake of her head, and even in the darkness, I can see the blush creeping onto her cheeks.
She can’t lie to save her life.
“Elise, I know something happened in that kitchen. Ryder was on the phone with me, and when you didn’t come right back to him, he went looking for you.
It wasn’t until he got to the kitchen that you ran to the bathroom.
Something had to have happened during that time.
So, I’ll ask you one more time, and only one more time. What happened tonight?”
When her questioning eyes find mine, I know it’s my tone that’s caught her off guard. The words hold a real threat—and she knows it—but there isn’t an ounce of malice in my tone.
I feel like an ass when her lip trembles, but I don’t have a choice. I need to know what happened.
“They didn’t know I could hear them,” she whispers, the words barely audible. “The soldiers were in the break room when I came back for my food. They were talking about all of the horrible things they’ve seen you do. I was already nauseous, so I guess that was just the breaking point.”
“What did they say?”
“A lot of things.”
“Elise,” I warn.
She huffs, and a flicker of fire burns in her eyes when she shoots me a glare. “That you’ve killed more people than you can count. That you skin them alive. That you cut their eyes out and burn your name onto their skin.”
Damn it all.
It’s no wonder she’s afraid of me.
She’s heard firsthand accounts of my cruelty, knowing her future rests in my hands. I can only imagine how she’d stood there, wondering which gruesome fate she’ll face when she’s served her purpose.
None of them.
And just like that, the decision is made.
But she can’t know that.
“You know what I am,” I remind her. “I haven’t pretended to be a good guy.”
“Except you did pretend to be a good guy! You came into that bakery and let me think you were some normal guy who wanted to take me out. You let me think I’d be safe inviting you over. Worst of all, you let me genuinely enjoy our date, knowing that you were about to ruin my life.”
She swipes angrily at a few rouge tears.
“Why did you change my room? Why did you make a deal with me? Why didn’t you let the doctor sedate me? It would be so much easier for you to tie me up and lock me away, so why don’t you? All of your men seem to think it’s weird, too, so I know it’s not just me.”
She takes a deep breath, squeezing her eyes closed.
“Why did you kiss me, Joshua? You could’ve drugged me either way. Why did you have to kiss me?”
I stand wordlessly, drawing her fearfully captivated gaze to my movements.
She twitches to shift away, but I lift a halting hand, and she obliges.
Her shoulders tense, shaking with each uneven breath she pulls in, and I can practically see the wheels turning behind her eyes as she tries to figure out how I’m going to retaliate for her burst of passion.
I crouch down, only inches away from her now. “Do you remember what I said that night after we kissed?”
It’s a vague question, but she knows exactly what I mean.
She nods in a small, barely noticeable gesture, lips parting and uncertainty swimming in her gaze.
My skin pricks with anticipation, and the air around us is electric. My hand gently cups the side of her face, just as I had that night.
“I couldn’t help myself then, just like I can’t help myself now.”
Her eyes widen more in confusion than fear—I move to erase both.
My lips meet hers in a gentle kiss.
I barely hold back my groan of appreciation because damn she tastes good. Her soft, full lips move hesitantly against mine, and I gladly take the lead.
For the first time since our date, the walls between Elise and me vanish, and we’re no longer foes—no longer a captor and captive.
The animosity is eagerness.
The wariness is excitement.
The fear is passion.
I move from my crouched position and carefully push Elise’s shoulders until she’s laid back on her elbows, and I’m hovering above her, never breaking the kiss.
One of my hands wanders to her hip, and the other finds the back of her neck.
I pull her closer to me, deepening the kiss with the sweep of my tongue.
Gentle kisses bleed into desperation. I take her bottom lip between my teeth, eliciting a soft moan that sends a thrill through my entire body.
Seconds later, her shoulders tense, her lips slow, and I’m sure this is it. She’s remembered who I am—what I’ve done—and she doesn’t want to be anywhere near me.
I wait for the withdrawal, but it never comes.
Instead, she slips her arms out from under her and lays on her back, small hands cupping either side of my face to pull me closer.
She wants to touch me just as much as I want to touch her.
The realization is nothing short of complete satisfaction, and I let myself revel in the power she’s willingly giving me. I plunge my tongue into her mouth and let myself explore every inch of her.
I’m high on the taste of her sweet lips and dizzy from the sound of her soft moans.
My decision becomes a vow: I will never hurt Elise again.
But it’s more than that—I don’t just want to keep her safe. The desire to make Elise happy is quickly climbing the list of my priorities.
Her hands move boldly across my skin, and my chest tightens as if I’ve never been touched before. My hand wanders up her delicate body and weaves into her thick hair.
Nothing has ever felt as good as Elise.
I’m imagining all the ways I could convince her to come back to my room when her head snaps to the side, breaking our kiss without warning. Her hands release me, and a brutal chill replaces the warmth of her touch.
Neither of us says a word. We stay there, each catching our breath.
I want, more than anything, to lean in and take her mouth with mine again—to hell with the consequences. But now that I’m sure of what I want, I’m not willing to risk facing those consequences after all.
“You should get to bed,” I say as I climb to my feet. I turn to take a deep breath and clear my mind. “I’ll take you to your room.”
I hear her stand, and when I turn, I’m staring into the most hypnotizing brown eyes I have ever seen. Kissing Elise is incredible, but I could just look at her all day long.
The walk to her room is a blur, and I’m consumed with a million different things to say, but none of them seem right.
When we reach her door, I unlock and open it but block her path with my arm before she can enter.
“Elise—”
“What happened out there doesn’t change how I feel about you.” She doesn’t try to mask her exhaustion and pain. It’s on full display, and all I want is to replace it with one of her wide, easy smiles.
I see the irony, being the one who put her in this situation and now searching for a way to get her out of it. Though, if I could go back in time, I’m not sure there’s anything I’d do differently. After all, she’s here and, for the time being, mine.
“And how do you feel about me?”
Her chin quivers, and I catch a glisten in her eyes as she shakes her head. “Joshua…”
“What if I’ve changed how I feel about you?”
A single tear falls down her cheek. She brushes it away before looking up at me with resignation.
“Unless you’ve changed your mind about my freedom, your feelings don’t matter.”