Chapter Twenty-Four - Joshua #2
I don’t want Ryder anywhere near Elise right now, but this isn’t the time to get possessive.
“Fine.”
Ryder turns concerned eyes to Elise, and I fight to repress my jealousy when she gives him a nod and a small smile. “I’ll be okay.”
Ryder’s cutting eyes pierce me as he moves to the door, and I return the glare tenfold, both of us sending the same message.
Back the hell off.
The door shuts behind him, and it’s just Elise and me. This moment that I’ve waited days for and it’s finally come at the price of a gun to my heart.
Though I can hardly complain because I’d take the damn bullet if it meant she’d forgive me for everything that’s happened.
Elise does not share my eagerness to talk. The softness she directed at Ryder only seconds ago has vanished, replaced with a frostiness that drops the temperature in the room by a few degrees.
I’d almost believe she’s angrier than scared if it weren’t for the tell-tale wobble of her chin.
“You don’t need to be afraid, Elise. I’m not going to hurt you.” I emphasize my point by lifting my hands in a low surrender.
She doesn’t acknowledge my assurance. “Why aren’t you going to kill me? That was your plan all along.”
“Killing you was my plan after you found out about Mason, but I changed my mind.”
“Why?”
“Your panic attack in the garden,” I tell her. “After what happened that night, I knew I couldn’t kill you. I decided to return you to your dad and have Mason join my men at the base.”
Her weary eyes grow distant. “But now my father doesn’t want me.”
My teeth grind in an attempt to hold back the anger boiling beneath the surface.
I don’t speak until I’m sure I can keep my tone perfectly level. “I have to admit, I didn’t see that one coming. Without getting the territories from your dad, I can’t give you back and pull Mason from the field. It’ll make me look weak, and Mason is the only advantage I have now.”
The words are insensitive, but she deserves to hear the truth.
“What did you mean when you said that you knew you couldn’t kill me? You’ve killed people before. How am I any different?”
I was expecting this question, but hell, if I know how to answer it.
“When we—that night at your apartment, I—damn it,” I mutter, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I’m not good at this.”
It’s a few moments before I square my shoulders and lock my gaze with hers.
“I was supposed to drug you during dinner that night at your apartment, but I didn’t. I told myself that I wanted to keep the conversation going to get as much information from you as I could, but that’s a lie. I wanted you even then.”
Nothing in her expression changes to tell me how she’s taking this, but I’m in too deep to stop now.
“You said that kiss in the garden didn’t change anything for you, but it changed everything for me. It made me realize that the territories weren’t all I wanted anymore.”
“What exactly is your plan?” she asks. “To keep me here like some trophy? That’s not a life, Joshua.”
“All I know is that I can’t let you go, and I don’t want to,” I tell her because it’s true. “Give me a chance, and we can figure this out.”
“There is no we. I barely even know you.”
“We can change that.” I take a deep breath, wishing we could skip this next part and knowing we can’t. “But there are other things we should talk about first.”
Elise’s eyes sober, but she doesn’t object.
Her arms, extended to hold the gun in place, begin to tremble. The weight of the weapon is too much for her injured back.
I gesture to the table by the window. “Let’s sit.”
“I’d rather stand.”
“I know your back is killing you right now. Let’s sit, and you can prop the gun on the table.”
I don’t wait for her to agree. I move toward the table and take a seat, allowing myself to willingly turn my back on a gun pointed at me for the first time in my life. Luckily, I’m fairly certain she won’t pull the trigger, no matter how much she claims to hate me.
She remains standing a few seconds longer before footsteps approach behind me. I pretend not to see her wince as she takes hold of the chair across from mine and flips it around. She straddles it, resting the gun against the table but never allowing it to veer from my direction.
“I assume you have questions for me.”
She drops her gaze and tightens her grip on the gun. I don’t react aside from watching her trigger finger like a hawk, but it’s perfectly still.
“How did you find the note?”
I think back to that morning, and it’s hard to believe it was only a few short days ago. “After you went to shower, I laid back down and heard it crinkle in the pillowcase.”
She takes in the answer with a furrowed brow. “Why did you demote Tripp? Was it just because of what he said about me?”
In addition to sending her to the basement unprotected, this is another prime example of how I’ve let her down. Had I handled things differently with Tripp, she never would’ve been hurt.
“I didn’t demote Tripp, not technically anyway.”
I recall the conversation with him in my office after Elise told me what he said.
I hadn’t planned on taking action beyond a warning, but his eyes turned dead and emotionless—just as they do when he leads torturous interrogations—and the decision was made for me.
When I called him out on his reaction, he had no problem sharing his opinions on the situation with Elise.
He thought her privileges made me look weak, and she needed to be put in her place.
All he accomplished was convincing me he needed to be sent far away from her.
“I transferred him to another base until the deal with your father went through. He didn’t take it well, but I made it clear it was a temporary arrangement.”
She nods absently, absorbing the information. I wait for her next question, which finally comes in a hesitant whisper.
“You said you knew I told you everything, so why did you have Ryder take me?”
The heavy guilt weighs on my chest.
“I needed you out of your room while I had it searched for anything else.”
“The garden would’ve sufficed.”
“But that wasn’t the whole reason,” I admit. “I was angry with you… well, with myself, but also with you. I let my guard down when I’m with you and because of that, the note slipped through the cracks. Seeing it made me realize just how distracted I’d become. I needed to make you respect me again.”
“Respect you or fear you?”
I don’t answer, and she scoffs.
“What would you have had me do? Give you the note as soon as I found it? Would it really have changed anything?”
I imagine coming into her room to take her to the garden that day, and instead of looking anxious to get outside, she looks anxious to tell me something.
When I ask what’s wrong she doesn’t say anything, only hands over a small piece of paper.
My eyes flit over the note, and a burning anger flares in my chest. Questions run through my head: Where did this come from?
Who gave it to her? When did she get it?
But none of them is the question that fuels my fury.
Why would she give this to me? She should hide it or destroy it. It has to be a trick.
And just like that, she’s proven her point.
There’s nothing she could’ve done with the note that would’ve changed the outcome.
She shakes her head with a sigh. “I told you from the beginning that I wasn’t going to roll over and die.”
“And I warned you what would happen if you tried anything,” I counter.
“I didn’t try anything! And even if I had, your threat was that you’d lock me away, not chain me up in the basement and send Tripp in to—”
“I never sent Tripp!”
“He told me you did.”
“Elise, listen to me,” I plead. “Tripp lied to you. He should’ve left the base two days before the attack.
After I sent you to the basement, I reached out to Tripp for an update, and when there was radio silence, I got suspicious.
By the time I realized he never left, I knew something was wrong, and I went to check on you.
” I drop my eyes from hers as I flashback to the exact moment I walked into the basement. “But I was too late.”
A small droplet splashes against the wood under her eyes.
“You have to believe that I would never let anyone hurt you,” I say.
“You hurt me in the basement yourself the first day I got there.”
“That was different.”
“Different? Different how? Because it was at your hand and not Tripp’s? Or maybe it’s different because you didn’t rip my clothes off of me.”
Her words turn the dagger in my chest.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Enlighten me.”
I open my mouth to defend myself but close it again.
What’s there to defend? She’s right. I hurt her, maybe not as severely as Tripp, but I’m the one who put her in his path. My goal is not to clear my name.
No, what I want is worth so much more than my innocence.
“I know I’ve hurt you before, but harm was never my intent. My only goal was to ensure your father knew I meant business.”
“That’s not better.”
“I’m not saying it’s better. I’m saying it’s different.” Despite the gun in her grasp, I slowly reach my hand across the table and cover hers. I feel a deep sense of relief when she doesn’t pull away.
“Elise, I am so sorry.”
Her chin trembles, and she looks down over her shoulder. “Your apology can’t undo this.”
“I know, but I mean it. I’m not a man known for apologizing, but I am truly sorry. You have to believe I never would’ve taken you there if I’d known you were in danger.”
“Taking me there shouldn’t have been an option in the first place.” A light blush spreads across her cheeks, and she refuses to look at me. “I thought we’d moved past all of that. Especially after you stayed with me that night…”
“We were—are past all of that. It was a lapse in judgment—”
“It was a lack of judgment!”
My well-contained frustration begins to boil at her words. I’m not used to letting anyone talk to me this way. The need for her respect is almost irresistible, but I repress the knee-jerk reaction. I don’t need her respect. All I want is her forgiveness and trust.
My eyes close, and I take a deep breath, but I’m interrupted by a bitter laugh.
“Even now, you can hardly control your temper. Tell me, Joshua, what would you like to do to me this time? Tie me to the bed again? Maybe pull out your knife and give me a few new scars. Or you could—”
I shoot to my feet. “Damn it, Elise! I don’t want to hurt you. What about that don’t you understand?”
She lifts an eyebrow.
Damn, she knows how to set me off.
I drop into my seat with a sigh. “I know that I have a lot of work to do. I’m not good at this, and I’ve never tried to be, but you? You make me want to try.”
When I look up, her eyes are tortured with conflicting emotions.
Anger. Fear. Confusion. Hope.
“Why?” she whispers.
“You know why.”
Elise shakes her head. “I need you to say it.”
This is it, the only chance she’s going to give me. I’m not going to screw it up.
I push myself out of my chair and round the table in two strides. Her body tenses as I get closer, and I’m careful to avoid any sudden movements.
I lower to my knees so we’re at eye level.
“I want to try because I want you, Elise. Not as a prisoner, not as a pawn, as you. I want you to stay with me and give me a chance to make you happy.”
“I can’t spend the rest of my life stuck in this house.”
One part of my plan falls into place, and the words fly out of my mouth.
“Give me one month.”