Chapter Thirty-Seven - Elise
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Elise
As exhausting as tonight has been, it’s easy to avoid sleep. If I were to drift off without Joshua beside me, the nightmares would be relentless.
So, I rest on the couch, only half reading a book, waiting for Joshua to return.
It’s nearing three in the morning by the time the bedroom door finally opens, and he trudges in.
His eyebrows pull together when he takes in the empty bed, so I clear my throat to grab his attention.
When he sees me, his shoulders relax. “Why are you still awake?”
“I’m not tired,” I lie, because he doesn’t need to know that I didn’t want to sleep without him.
Joshua sits on the couch beside me.
“How is everyone?”
“We lost seven soldiers, and several more are injured but in stable condition. Alec is going to be fine,” he assures me.
A relieved sigh leaves my lungs, but it’s hardly fair that I should feel so glad since so many others lost their lives tonight.
I place my hand on Joshua’s leg. “Do you have any idea who it was?”
He shakes his head, and I mentally note that he probably wouldn’t tell me even if he did, and that bothers me.
I open my mouth to suggest we sleep, but I’m interrupted by the growl of my stomach.
“When was the last time you ate?” His tone is almost accusatory.
“Dinner,” I answer sheepishly.
He squeezes his eyes shut. “That was eight hours ago. Why haven’t you gone to get food?”
“You told me not to leave this room…”
By the time he opens his eyes, I see how truly tired he looks and feel a stab of guilt. I should’ve assumed I could go to the kitchen to eat, but I didn’t want to make him angrier than he already was.
“Come on,” he says, holding his hand out as he stands.
“Where are we going?”
“To get you some food.”
“I can get it myself. You should sleep.”
“I’m not tired,” he says, repeating my lie. I want to object, but his tone leaves no room for negotiation, so I let him lead me to the kitchen.
Though we both know I’m perfectly capable of working my way around the kitchen, I don’t protest as he sits me at a barstool and makes me a sandwich.
When he’s finished, he walks to the liquor cabinet and pours himself a glass of whiskey. He downs it in one gulp, then pours another serving before sitting beside me.
It’s only when I’ve scarfed down the food that I look over and see that he’s avoiding meeting my eye.
“Are you still mad at me?” I ask in a whisper.
“Yes.”
I figured as much, but hearing it still makes my heart ache.
“And Donovan?”
If I wasn’t watching him like a hawk, I might’ve missed the white on his knuckles from how hard he’s clenching his fist. “He’s been dealt with.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you don’t need to worry about it. He messed up, and he’ll face the consequences. That’s how things work around here.”
“But we both know this was my fault, not his.”
“He was in charge of watching you, and he failed to do that. That’s on him.”
I open my mouth to object, but his sharp glare silences me. “But I agree, it’s also your fault. You knew you weren’t supposed to go to the warehouse.”
My eyes plead with him to see my sincerity. “Joshua, I’m sorry. I should’ve listened to you.”
“I’m not mad because you didn’t listen to me. Hell, I’m used to that.” I appreciate the minimal humor in his tone, but it’s short-lived. “First, I’m mad that you put yourself in danger. I mean, coming in to help? What was your plan?”
“I—I’m not sure. I just knew that you were inside, and I needed to do something.”
“It was stupid. You have no training or experience! You would’ve gotten yourself killed.”
“I know,” I say, as if he needs to remind me how helpless I was.
Joshua places a hand on my thigh, and I lift my gaze to see my own hurt reflected in his dark eyes. “And I’m mad because you didn’t trust me.”
“I do trust you!”
“You clearly don’t. I don’t know what else to do, Elise.”
“It’s going to take time,” I tell him. “Even normal couples struggle with trust issues, and we’re not a normal couple.”
When he doesn’t respond, I feel the need to explain. “You seemed off after our conversation, and I couldn’t figure out why. I just had this feeling that you were keeping something from me.”
“Of course I’m keeping something from you! I’m keeping lots of things from you, Elise! But it’s for your protection. Why can’t you see that?” Though he’s not shouting, the words bounce off the walls of the quiet kitchen.
I place my hand over his, feeling a sense of relief and pride when his muscles relax at my touch.
“I know you’re trying to protect me, but I don’t like being kept in the dark.”
“You never minded being in the dark with your father’s work. How is this different?”
I wondered the same thing in the hours I sat in this room waiting for Joshua to come back, and the answer surprised even me.
“I never wanted to know what my father was doing because I was never going to stay there. But now I have you, and everything’s changed. I don’t want to be in the dark anymore.”
The conversation I had with Ryder only a week ago has weighed heavily on me. I’m tired of running from something inescapable.
Whether I like it or not, this is my world, too.
The twisted features of his face soften all at once. “And what do you want?”
My eyes fall to my newly decorated finger, and I almost laugh because, isn’t it obvious?
“You,” I whisper.
The distance between us disappears, and our lips meet in a blaze of passion. The whiskey on his tongue and the scent of him overwhelm my every sense until there’s nothing left but my desperation for him.
Joshua lifts me from my barstool and onto his lap, all without breaking our kiss. My arms wrap around his neck, and I hold him close to me, knowing with every fiber of my being that this is where I am meant to be.
Nothing has ever felt so right.
An overwhelming flood of emotion hits me, and I pull away from the kiss.
Without fear, hesitation, or doubt, I say the words that I mean with every ounce of my being.
“I love you, Joshua.”
He sucks in a breath, brow furrowing like he’s afraid to believe me. I let him search my eyes because he’ll see it there, the unabashed love shining for him alone.
A heart-stopping smile spreads across his face. “I love you, too.”
Joshua scoops me into his arms, and I instinctively wrap my legs around his waist as he carries us to our room. The familiar electricity is amplified by tonight’s events, filling the room with thick tension that threatens to choke us.
And we let it.
With one arm anchored around his neck, I run a hand through Joshua’s hair, gently gripping it and holding his lips to mine. His fingers dig into me in response, and I revel in the feel of it.
Joshua starts walking, but I don’t bother to look where he’s taking us until he tosses me to the bed with an ease that suggests I weigh no more than a decorative pillow. He kicks off his shoes and joins me.
With one arm braced on either side of me, Joshua towers over me, and for a moment, all we do is soak in the sight of each other.
Tonight, we were forced to confront the possibility that the other was dead.
We both imagined a world where we were robbed of a future together, where we had to return to what life looked like before we met and turned each other’s lives upside down.
Before we fell in love.
I could never go back to the way things were before. I don’t want to. I wasn’t happy. My brothers and father tried to placate me, but it was never going to be enough. Anything less than a life with Joshua isn’t going to be enough for me. Not anymore.
I know what I want.
Joshua’s lips dip to take mine, but I shake my head.
“No,” I whisper.
He pulls back just enough to look at me. “You want me to stop?”
I laugh because the mere thought of him stopping is the last thing I want.
“I want you.”
His lip turns up in a dashing half-smile. “You have me.”
“No, I mean, I want all of you.”
Whether by my words or expression, Joshua finally understands my meaning.
“I told you, once I have you—”
“You’re never letting me go,” I finish with a dreamy smile. “Don’t let me go, Joshua.”
Seconds feel like years as the deliberation wages behind his eyes.
I let every ounce of my love and desire pour into my words. “I love you, Joshua Moreno. I love you, and I want you.”
“I love you, too,” he answers without a moment of hesitation, but his face still makes me think he isn’t sure.
To convince him, I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him back to me. Our lips meet and move like they were made for each other. Hell, I’m starting to think Joshua and I were made for each other.
What we have is rare. It’s the kind of chemistry that can survive anything—and it’s survived some pretty messed up stuff so far. We tried to ignore it because it was unconventional and complicated, but it was always a wasted effort. This was always meant to happen.
“Promise me that you’re sure about this,” Joshua whispers against my lips.
With a hand on either side of his face, I say, “I promise, I want you more than I have ever wanted anything in the world.”
His lips meet mine in a searing kiss that I never want to end.
With my head resting on Joshua’s chest, I feel his heartbeat slow to its normal pace. His arms are still wrapped around me, and I’ve never felt so content.
I have no idea how long we’ve been lying here, and I don’t care to find out. I wish I could stay in this moment forever—safe and warm in the arms of the man I love.
Joshua runs his hand absentmindedly up and down my back, and I find myself being lulled to sleep by the motion, but there are things we need to talk about.
“So, what does this mean?”
“What does what mean?” His words are heavy with exhaustion.
My eyes fall to the sparkling diamond on my finger. “I mean, what does this mean for us? Our future.”
“Well”—he shifts to his side so we face each other—“we’ll wait until the month is up before making plans.”
“What happened to, ‘once I have you, I’m not letting you go’?”
Joshua takes hold of my chin. “You’re mine, Elise. There’s no question about it, but after everything that happened today, I have a lot to sort through. Besides, it’ll give you a chance to get more comfortable.”
His sentence ends with a yawn, and I realize that the day’s events are probably made that much worse by the fact that he barely slept the night before on the hallway floor.
My bad.
I turn to switch off the lamp before cuddling into his warmth. “Okay, the end of the month then.”
There, held in the arms of the man I love—the man I belong to heart, body, and soul—I let sleep take me.