Chapter 6
SIX
Heath
I can’t believe I went with him to that little coffee shop last night. I was antsy and feeling completely out of control, which I truly hate, so I went for a walk by my office building and, of course, I ran into him.
It was a total coincidence. It was.
I hadn’t planned it at all.
I’d been doing so well avoiding the infuriating—yet admittedly intriguing—Leo and then one text from Lana ruined it all.
She ruins everything, I swear. I need to just get it over with and block her already, but I’m sure she’d still track me down. She’d probably show up at my office and make a big scene. Make everyone stare and whisper.
The thought of that makes me sweat.
She said I’m being ridiculous. That I need to get over it. That it was nothing.
Yeah, well, I don’t think it was nothing and I don’t think I can ever forgive her.
I don’t want to forgive her. I don’t want to be stuck with someone for the rest of my life that I can’t trust, that I’m not sure I ever really loved.
I rub at my eyes and a yawn escapes me. Fuck I’m tired and my blood pressure is rising just thinking about her right now. I need to work. Get some things done. It’s early and I have a lot of shit to do, but when I arrive at the office, instead of getting started, I pull up the security camera footage from last night. Just to check. I’m very security minded.
But there’s nothing.
I mean, he was here. But he just cleaned. I watch him on my screen as he efficiently moves around my office. He straightens up my things, vacuums and empties the trash, but there are no salacious comments, no body parts hanging out.
It’s all very mundane and boring and yet, I still can’t stop watching him. The way he moves, the long lines of his body. He’s entrancing. I smile when he leaves a bag of candy on my desk, but his expression catches me off guard.
He looks sad. Did I do that to him?
I turn the screen off and look at the bag of candy he placed for me on my desk. I open it and pop some of the delicious sugar into my mouth. He’s going to give me cavities and diabetes, but I still can’t help the smile that forms on my mouth.
I think about Lana, my thoughts going bitter and my mind growing fuzzy, but then I quickly shift to thinking about Leo. The way he smiles, the sassy remarks he makes. The way he teases me.
And the confident way he holds himself when he talks about his job. He seems perfectly happy camming. Normally, he does it with a smile on his face. Even when he’s cleaning, he’s grinning. Who the hell likes to clean? Who likes to bust their back working for pennies?
I don’t really know what that’s like. Life has always seemed like one obligation after another. A life full of have-to and want-to, but I’ve never done any of them with a grin on my face.
I think I smiled more with Leo last night than I have my entire life. What the hell does that mean ?
It’s all so confusing and I really need to get my head on straight. None of my behavior recently has been like me. None of it.
I touched his dick for Christ’s sake. I touched another man’s dick and it wasn’t nearly as repulsive as I thought it would be. Not at all.
The way he whimpered, the flush of his cheeks.
I shift in my office chair and try to get myself under control.
My entire body flushes as I fail completely.
The feel of his cock in my hand, the weight of it. The heat of it. It was like he couldn’t get enough. He fucked into my hand with reckless abandon and no shame. Not a care in the world except getting off.
I did that to him.
“Excuse me, sir?” a voice says, pulling my thoughts straight from the gutter. “Do you have a minute?”
I nod and let Tony into my office, listening as he explains something to me, trying my damnedest to not look at the bag of candy I have open on my desk.
Fucking Leo, making me think of him. All. The. Damn. Time.
I force my gaze away from that bag and look up at Tony once more.
Focus. I can think about him later.
Much later.
Selena is grinning at me, her head cocked, her eyes telling me everything I need to know. Fucking sisters, man. They seem to see everything.
“Why do you look happy?” she asks and I roll my eyes.
“I’m not happy.”
“I mean, it’s hard for people like us with parents like ours, but…you look content.” That’s an understatement. We grew up with so much money it’s hard to complain without sounding like a total tool. I’m self aware enough to know that. But the environment we were ra ised in still wasn’t…pleasant? And it doesn’t mean it was easy. Our parents threw money at every issue that ever came up. There were no Full House sit around and talk about it kind of moments. Ever. We were expected to fulfill certain duties, to be a certain way. We didn’t get a choice. We didn’t have a voice.
It’s probably why I’m obsessed with order and maybe why I’m drawn to Leo’s chaotic energy.
“I’m not,” I grumble even though if anyone would understand it would be my sister.
“You doth protest too much.”
I take a sip of my water and ignore her. I’m not happy. Not really. I’m working myself to death, I have an ex who won’t leave me alone and a cleaner who I can’t stop thinking about. A cleaner and a camboy. A man who shamelessly fucks himself on camera with a big smile on his face.
What would it be like to be that free? I’ll never know.
I can still taste the cherry on my tongue from the candy he left me.
Airheads. He left me fucking cherry Airheads.
“There it is again. Who are you thinking about? And it better not be Lana or I will murder you.” Her glare is deep and intense, her fingers curling around a knife.
“It’s not Lana, although she keeps texting me and won’t leave me alone.”
Now she holds the knife up and holds it out toward me. I have no doubt that’s what she would do if she runs into Lana too. My sister is a tad bit crazy after all. “Block the bitch. She fooled around and found out.”
“You know she still talks to our parents.”
“Oh fuck them too!” she nearly shouts, making people turn our way.
“Selena,” I scold. I’ve always been the level headed one. The more restrained one. Selena, she makes waves. She’s loud and boisterous. She’s free in her own way, even though she’s still shackled to our parents and the privileged life they provide. But it comes at a price. Everything comes at a cost.
“Heath,” she replies and then waggles her eyebrows at me. “Who is she?”
“What?” I ask, feeling my cheeks heat.
“Who is she? Someone is making you smile like this. So. Who. Is. She?”
I shrug, not giving her an inch. First of all, it’s none of her business and secondly, its not a she at all.
Fucking Leo.
His notes and candy and those videos.
I feel my cheeks flush and Selena wiggles in her seat, her dark curly hair bobbing around her face.
“Oh my god, you’re blushing.”
“I am not. It’s just a hot flash.”
She just waves that off easily. Not falling for my act. “You don’t get those. You’re such a liar.”
She nearly squeals, reaching past me and almost knocks over my cup of water.
I right it and glower at her. “Calm down.”
“You do know if you don’t tell me, I’m going to stalk you and find out. There’s no keeping secrets from me.”
“Jesus.”
“Jesus can’t save you now,” she cackles.
I let out a laugh and then slap her hand away. “I’m not telling you a thing.”
“Stalking it is then.”
I know she will too, but I’m not ready to say anything. And I bet she won’t deduce it’s Leo anyway. She’d never guess.
She’d have no clue.
“Why don’t we talk about you?” I suggest and she huffs.
“That’s no fun. My life is boring. No dates, no work drama. Just boring shit.”
“Yeah, I doubt that. With you there is always drama. ”
“That is not true,” she huffs but then leans forward, her eyes twinkling. “I mean, I did go out with mom and her girlfriends the other day. Maureen’s eyelash fell off into her drink halfway through lunch. And then she drank it.”
I grin at that, imagining the horror that woman must have felt at being less than perfect. All of those lunch ladies are like that. Fucking snobs is what they are.
“And the other day, mom had to go in for a colonoscopy. I picked her up and they wouldn’t let her leave until she farted. You should have seen her face. She refused. But it came out anyway!”
Her delight, the way she’s almost doubled over in laughter makes me crack a smile and chuckle along with her.
“She was mortified. The doctor was cute too. I like to remind her how loud it was.”
She swipes at her eyes and then leans back, inhaling deeply. “God, they’re such boring boobs. I love reminding them they’re human.”
“I’m glad you’re there to keep their egos deflated.”
“It’s my life’s mission.”
We grin at one another and then finish our food before I walk her to her car.
“You sure you don’t want to tell me who’s making you happy?”
“A hundred percent sure, you snoop.”
“Fine. I’ll find out myself. Because I’m thinking it’s not a she, but a he.”
She waggles her eyebrows at me, obviously remembering our little conversation about Leo the last time we met up.
Fuck me. I was hoping she forgot about that.
“I’m sure you will. Next week?” I ask and she nods before winking at me. I know what that means. It means that she is planning on seeing me a lot more. Chances are I won’t know that she’s spying on me, but given that she has no drama in her life at the moment, she’s going to go in search of it.
Damn drama hound .
“Oh and before I forget, are you going to be at the country club tomorrow?” she asks and I sigh, having completely forgotten about that.
“Unfortunately.”
She nods. “Agreed. It’s very unfortunate, but it is a business dinner and you know how dad and mom are. They like to pretend we support their snobbery.”
A headache starts to form behind my eyes. “Yeah. I’ll be there.”
She pulls me into a hug and then shifts back slightly. “You could bring a date.”
“Not happening.”
She sighs and then starts to walk away. “Can’t wait to suffer with you, bro. See you tomorrow.”
I watch as she waves and then disappears entirely.
Fuck, I don’t want to go to the country club tomorrow and Lana better not fucking be there.
She better not have been invited.
As soon as I enter the country club, I make my way to the bar, needing a drink before sitting down with my parents.
At least Selena is here, I tell myself as I order myself a drink.
“Rough day?” the woman behind the counter asks and I sigh.
“Long life.”
She huffs her amusement, thinking I’m joking, but I’m not. Not in the least.
It’s been a while since I’ve been happy. The last time I felt elated was walking to that coffee shop with Leo the other night. Or when I arrive at work and see that he’s left me little notes and candy.
I won’t ever tell anyone the way my heart flip flops when I read his words.
“Here you go,” the bartender says, sliding me my double gin and tonic. I take a fortifying sip and then set it down when I hear my mother’s shrill, fake laugh.
“Could you make that a triple?”
She grins at me and then tilts the bottle of gin over my glass.
“I’ve got you, boo.”
The glass is nearly spilling over and I slurp at it before making my way over to my parents, who I can see seated outside under the awning overlooking the golf course. It’s a beautiful view, with dark green hills in the background and a water feature in the middle of the space.
But it’s tainted by the utter snobbery I can sense the closer and closer I get to their table. It’s suffocating.
“Well, look who decided to join us,” my dad says, making it seem like he’s joking, but I know he’s mad I’m late.
I’m usually always on time, but I found myself wanting to revolt a little, to rage against the wishes of my parents.
It’s sad that it’s taken this long for me to push back, but here I am…showing up late to an important dinner to prove a point.
“Yes. I’m here,” I say, taking a seat next to Selena who’s looking very put together in her tennis skirt and polo.
“Hi, mom. Dad,” I add on, almost forgetting the pleasantries. This drink is a little strong.
I move my gaze around the table, seeing two other older couples that are in business with my dad, but thankfully Lana’s not here. I’ll take it. A small mercy. One other thing I don’t need to deal with today.
“Heath rarely can make it to these. He’s so very busy and successful,” my mom explains, taking a sip of her iced tea.
I turn my gaze over to her and fight an eye roll, setting my cloth napkin on my lap instead. That was a veiled insult. She thinks I’m too busy to make time for her, but the truth is, I can make time for anyone if I wanted to. Like Leo.
I wanted to make time for him and I did.
But my mom and dad…well, I’d rather eat grass. Yes, grass, not gl ass. I don’t want to die. I’d just rather be on a farm eating dirt than here.
With them.
“Well, I’m here and ready to order.”
“Seems you already have a drink,” my mom snarks and Selena snorts, waving down the waiter at the same time.
“I think I’ll have one too.” She leans closer to me and whispers, “Solidarity, brosif.”
I chuckle at how ridiculous she is and my chest expands when I think about how lucky I am to have her in my life. She drives me nuts, but she’s supportive. Always has been. Unlike our parents. Nothing is ever good enough for them.
No matter how much money I make, no matter who I date, it’s never quite right. They always find fault in it.
Which is why they can never know about Leo. Absolutely not.
Not that I’m thinking of inviting him over or showing him off…even as a friend.
There’s no way that’s ever happening.
I wouldn’t subject him to it.
Although his sass…it might put my parents in their place. For once.
“Why are you smiling like that? It’s the elusive person , isn’t it?”
“No,” I reply and then take another sip of my drink. “It’s not that.”
She kicks me hard under the table, and when I don’t react, she does it again, only this time her foot misses and she kicks the man across from us. Hard. I don’t know how she manages to angle herself so wrong, but I can’t help it when tonic water chokes me on a laugh.
“Oh my god, what was that?” Selena cries out. “I think I saw an opossum run away.”
The man, John, leans down and rubs at his shin. “It felt like someone kicked me.”
“Must have been a strong animal in a rage,” Selena says and I have to run the napkin across my mouth to keep myself from laughing. “You should probably get a rabies shot just in case.”
“You two, stop it,” my mother hisses and the two of us settle down, Selena’s eyes twinkling with laughter. She never really let the two of them dull her. She always fought back in her own way.
I admire her for that.
“Sorry, mother. The wildlife here is quite dangerous it seems,” Selena replies and then takes her beer from the waiter, sipping right from the bottle.
A small burp escapes her and my mother huffs in frustration.
I purse my lips and bite my tongue, turning away from my sister and engaging John and JoAnn in a conversation about commercial real estate. Meanwhile Selena talks to Mary and Kenneth about their holiday in France, the two of us doing so well at being civilized.
It’s all so boring and dull and right when I think I’ve gotten off scot-free, my mom makes her expected comments about Lana.
You should call her.
She really is sorry.
She didn’t mean any of it.
By the time dinner wraps up and the bill has been paid, I decide that I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to sink into the hard sofa that sits in my living room and watch TV. I want something else. Something to take the ache away, something to help with the headache throbbing behind my eyes.
I head right to work.
I don’t overthink it.
I just go.
I sink into my leather chair, the one Leo’s no doubt used far too many times without my knowledge and wait for him to arrive. I should be here working and yet I don’t even bother turning on my computer. Maybe my strong drink went to my head. Maybe I’ve lost my mind completely.
It’s all so…unexpected.
I shouldn’t be here, encouraging this and yet I am.
A short while later, when I hear the telltale sound of his cleaning cart coming down the hallway, my breathing comes out a little rougher and I feel my skin break out in goosebumps.
He’s here. Leo is here.
My excitement has me shifting nervously in my chair, my fingers moving up to my hair to make sure it feels okay before dropping down to adjust my tie.
I don’t know why but I want to look good. Not for him.
Really, it’s not for him.
I swivel my chair around and watch as Leo makes his way toward me. He doesn’t stop at the offices leading up to mine. I left the light on and the door open. He knows I’m here. I haven’t been subtle about it.
The cart stops right in front of my office and a second later, he steps through. His blond hair, his blue eyes, those worn jeans and ripped shirt.
“Hey there,” he says, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms. “Working late again?”
“Yep.” I try to go for totally normal, totally not nervous. I don’t manage it.
“Making sure I didn’t use your office again? Are you going to hire a guard to sit outside and make sure I behave?”
I don’t respond to that, just utter, “You didn’t use it last night.”
He grins at me. “I know. I did a different scene somewhere else.”
My lips turn into a frown. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” he replies, but it sticks in my head. I didn’t see him somewhere else and I most definitely didn’t see him with someone else, but maybe he’s going to upload that later.
My chest tightens, my ribs almost too big for my body.
If I see him fucking someone else, am I going to survive it ?
But that’s part of his job. It’s what he does. And I can’t tell him what to do. That’s not who I am to him.
We’re nothing to each other.
“Anyway, brought you a little treat.”
He holds out a candy bar to me and I take it, sliding it into my bag. I’ll eat it later. Like a civilized person. I won’t gobble it down like a troll.
Leo grins softly at me and then sighs. “I just wanted to stop by and say hi first. Now, I need to go clean those other offices. I’ll be right back.”
I nod and watch him go, my eyes unable to do anything but take him in. He disappears into an office and I force myself to turn on my computer and work. Mostly so I don’t seem like a sad sop who has nothing more to live for than clandestine meetings in the dead of night with the janitor in the building I own.
Fuck. Me.
I fiddle with some spreadsheets and answer a few emails before deciding that I’m done. I really have nothing else to do, nor do I want to do anything too tedious.
What I really want to do is spend some more time with Leo.
I want him to make me smile, to make me happy again.
It’s a lot to put on a person, I know. And yet I still wait for him to come back into my office and speak to me.
The sound of the vacuum turns on in the distance and I watch Leo’s muscles bunch and flex as he maneuvers it over the carpet in the hallway. When he’s done, he finally makes his way back toward my office and I roll my chair back, trying to decide what to do. Should I stand up? Should I stay seated?
Why the hell does it even matter?
Maybe I should just roll my way out the window.
“I’ll just clean this and then take off,” Leo says, pointing to the garbage can beside my desk.
“Oh. Right. You’re not going to…” I wave my hand around and Leo’s face softens .
“Well…oh…well, do you want me to?”
I huff in annoyance. He can’t fucking ask me this. I don’t know what to say.
“I mean I could totally do that. Would you like to stay and watch?”
I wet my lips and feel my pants start to grow too tight. It has to be the stress of the day slowly melting away, or the offer of live porn. Nothing else.
Really, it’s nothing else.
“Or you could boss me around. For the cameras.” He hesitates and then shakes his head. “But you don’t need to do that. I’m not using you or anything like that.”
He seems almost concerned and I tap my hand against the arm of my chair.
“I don’t think you’re using me. You are using my office though.”
“I have been, mainly because it has a great view, but I’ll eventually have to change it up. I can’t keep using the same environment forever. People get bored. They’re fickle.”
Something akin to disappointment unfurls in my chest.
“Well, feel free to use it. For now.”
“Like right now?” he asks and I purse my lips, not responding. “Okay, now it is. And you’ll watch?” he asks, excitement lining his words.
“Perhaps. I do have some work I need to finish up first.”
It’s a lie. I have nothing left to do. I’m going to sit here and try like hell to peel my eyes away from him. Maybe Selena was right. Maybe my previous brief interest in men banging each other meant more than I thought it did.
Maybe it means something now.
“Alright. If you don’t mind. I could really use some new content.”
“Yeah. Go ahead.”
I pull up a document on my computer and pretend to type on it, but it’s all gibberish. If he saw what I was doing, I’d never live it down. He’d mock me for all eternity .
Leo hums under his breath and then walks over to the window, peering out. “I’m going to fuck myself against this,” he says to me before walking over to his bag and pulling out a large suction cup dildo and a fleshlight. “Yeah, I think this will work well.” He smacks the dildo onto the window and then pretends to fuck against it. I try to ignore him even when his loud voice says, “Perfect position. I’m so good at this. I’m basically an engineer.”
He glances up at me and winks when he catches me sitting there, staring at him.
“I’m going to set the camera up over there. That way everyone can see me taking it. But no one will see you. I promise.”
I swallow roughly as he sets up the camera and then starts to undress, leaving himself clad in only a jockstrap and socks.
Fuck. What the hell am I doing? I can’t just sit here and watch this.
This is unprofessional and bordering on sexual harassment. This is…this is…I don’t know anymore. I really don’t.
Internally I scream at myself to look away, but instead I just sit completely still, watching as he starts to lube himself up, showing the camera the way his fingers slip inside of him. My own ass clenches at the thought of something being pushed inside of me. I’m not sure I’d like that, but the idea of sticking my cock inside of him? Well, it’s been so long, so fucking long since I’ve fucked someone.
Lana was the last one and she wasn’t interested in it at all.
She always just lay there, limp and unmoving.
I fucking hated it.
And even when she was into it, there was always something missing. For both of us, it was just a way to get off. I have no idea why everyone seems so sex obsessed honestly. My hand has done just fine and even that I don’t need that often.
Don’t know why I even bothered with her.
And it seems she found satisfaction somewhere else anyway.
Don’t know why she’s up my ass all the time. She doesn’t even like me .
“I’m ready,” he says to me instead of the camera and I can’t look away as he pushes back against the dildo, a moan slipping from his lips. He continues moving until it bottoms out and he arches up, his hard cock pushing against the jock strap. His palm rubs over it and he gasps.
“Oh. Yes. So full. I’m so fucking full,” he moans, his eyes slamming into mine.
I swallow and feel my own dick swell from the eye contact, from watching him being penetrated against the glass overlooking the city. Beautiful is the first word that comes to mind when I look at him, the sparkling lights making him seem almost angelic, ethereal. Is it hot in here? I really do need to check on the air conditioning. I don’t need sex. I’m fine. But even watching him feels different than sex with anyone else. Even myself.
I can’t stop watching as he continues to grind back against the dildo all while rubbing his cock through the fabric, his other hand running up and down the planes of his chest, tangling in his hair, his fingers moving into his mouth.
I can’t fucking look away.
His hand peels the jockstrap down and his cock pops free. My body shudders as he grabs the fleshlight and starts to fuck himself with it, his mouth parted in a loud moan.
“Do you like what you see? Tell me?” he asks and I know he’s speaking to his fans, but I can’t help but run a hand across my trembling mouth.
Yes. Yes, I fucking do.
“I bet you do. I bet you want it. You want to fuck me,” he groans as he slams his fist forward and his ass backwards.
I shift in my office chair, the leather making a loud squeaking noise. Leo’s lips quirk up mid-moan.
“Bet you’re sitting there wanting to touch yourself, want to get off to thoughts of me. Well, go ahead. Go ahead and touch yourself.”
I can almost hear him whisper my name. Heath.
My hand slides down beneath my desk and I touch myself, just a squeeze, but I can see Leo’s nostrils flare. He saw that. He saw it and liked it.
My fingers squeeze again and my mouth parts as I feel need flare up inside of me. It’s been so long. So fucking long.
Why do I do this to myself? Why the fuck have I done this?
Leo’s body starts to shake, slamming back and forth on the dildo, his wrist flicking up and down his cock and then I watch as he comes, his back arched, his eyes shut, the tendons in his neck popping out.
And I feel the tingling of lust burrow further inside of me.
His orgasm seems to last forever too, his body jerking and trembling as he comes down from the high of it. He sags forward and his eyes pop open, meeting mine.
“Fuck,” he murmurs as he pulls the fleshlight off himself, his cock wet with cum and lube. Then he steps forward and removes his ass from the dildo still attached to the window, and right there, overlooking the entire city, is his ass print.
“I’ll clean the glass, don’t worry,” he says with a wobbly grin. “Don’t want that staring at you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, good plan.”
His eyes flick down to where my hand is still under the desk and his nostrils flare once more. His tongue flicks out as he puts his cock back into his jockstrap with a loud snap.
“You okay, Heath?”
“Fine,” I lie. He can tell too. My voice is strained and low, my need clearly etched in each uttered word.
“Do you…you know, want to close your eyes and let me help you out?”
I let out a surprised breath and swallow roughly.
His cheeks flame but he doesn’t move away, just stands there and waits for my answer.
What the fuck do I say?
What the fuck do I do?