Chapter Seventeen
Michael sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his forehead. “I still don’t understand why I can’t help you shower. You know I’m a doctor?”
“Kassie volunteered to help, and the girls went out of their way to get all the supplies.” Lizzy turned away from Michael to keep her face from giving herself away. She didn’t tell the whole truth and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
“Do I get to stay, or will I get bounced out of my house again?” He rose from the bed irritably.
Lizzy halted and turned to face him.
“I apologize. That was way out of line. I feel like you’re leaning on them more than you do me. Did I do something wrong?” Michael walked toward Lizzy. He searched her face to find the reason she didn’t want his help.
“You didn’t do anything. I prefer Kassie to help me this time,” she whispered.
It hit him like a ton of bricks. Michael leaned down and kissed her forehead. “I understand. You know I find you stunning. Nothing’s changed between us.” He hoped to reassure her.
Her smile faltered. “I need to do this myself. I need to process, and I can’t do it with you right next to me. I’ll worry about your feelings.”
Michael nodded. “Kassie will help you until you’re feeling comfortable. The last thing I want to do is cause you more stress.”
“Please don’t take it the wrong way,” she pleaded. He leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers.
“I’m not. There’re some support groups not far from here if you want to talk to someone going through this. It might help validate some of the things you’re feeling.”
“Right now, all I can think about is feeling human again. Kassie and the girls thought ahead and she’s bringing everything we didn’t think of. Thank goodness someone in our circle remained levelheaded.”
“Yeah. I’ll head to Seattle and finish getting the rest of my stuff from the office and hand over the last of my patients. Then I’ll come back and start adding files to my new office here and on the mountain. You can take your time.”
“Thank you for understanding.” Lizzy moved slowly over to her closet. “Can you help me get my leggings, fresh socks, and underwear? I left my tablet in the sunroom, can you please take it to the living room?”
“Yes, can I get you anything to eat?” Michael pulled out her favorite leggings and headed toward the dresser to pull out her other clothes.
“No, I’m not hungry. Can you defrost a smoothie for me?”
Putting everything in the bathroom, he headed to the kitchen. He moved one of the premade drinks in the fridge and walked back to the bedroom. Watching as Lizzy sat cautiously on the bed with the head elevated to wait for Kassie’s arrival, he wanted to wrap her in his arms and shield her from the world. Yet, he knew Lizzy would hate it. Her independence and self-reliance drew him to her from the beginning.
Since the surgery she seemed a bit more reserved when it came to him caring for her. Yet she cracked jokes at the oddest times. Determined to understand what she went through, not only physically but emotionally, he decided to spend some time reading stories of other breast cancer survivors.
“Kassie will arrive here any moment. Can I pick you up anything?” He drew the cover over her feet.
“Why don’t you go ahead and leave? I’ll rest until she gets here.” Lizzy closed her eyes and sighed.
Michael paused at the doorway. “I’m only a phone call away if you need anything.”
“Thank you, I’ll see you when you get back.”
Michael grabbed his keys in the bowl by the door. Frustration rolled in his gut, maybe a bit of jealousy and doubt too. Lizzy’s friends thought of everything and took care of her better than he did. When he tried to help emotionally, she shut him down. What if she decided to run again? The thought crushed him.
He wished he’d developed the relationship with the team like Chase had. At least then, he’d have someone to talk out his worries and bounce off his fears. Right now, Chase’s hospital kept him busy, and he didn’t want to bother the one friend he made to discuss things like feelings and frustration. Michael opened his car door and sighed. He resigned himself as always staying the outsider. Maybe he resembled the same to Lizzy.
* * *
Lizzy waiteduntil she heard the car back out of the driveway. Slowly making her way to the master bathroom, she washed her hands at the sink before sitting at the vanity. Finally finding a moment alone, she wanted to see herself for the first time. She began picking at the wrappings. One by one the layers fell to the floor. When the final piece of gauze dropped from her hands, she slowly lifted her head to stare at her new body.
Her hand trembled as she traced above the angry red, puckered scar across her chest and under her armpit. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she stared at her image that resembled a rag doll stitched together from a horror movie. It felt as if she stared back at another woman. This couldn’t be her.
Her thoughts drifted to the Chanel suits, the fancy lingerie, and the evening gowns she wore for fundraisers. All of which accentuated her chest and waistline. None of those fit her properly now. Part of Elizabeth Jacobson was cut out of her, stitched, and glued back together. Her hand shook to grab the towel to cover the ugly scars as she wept for what she lost.
“There you are,” Kassie whispered and knelt beside her friend. She plucked a tissue from the top of the vanity and dabbed at Lizzy’s eyes. She sat silently holding her friend’s hand as Lizzy’s sobs echoed through the room.
Kassie said nothing, allowing her to grieve her loss. The cries became ugly and jagged, exactly how she felt inside. She thought she prepared herself when the doctor explained the incisions. She fooled herself into believing she didn’t care what it looked like as long as she survived.
Always a fighter, Lizzy never lost sight of the prize. Gaining a second chance with Michael now seemed a far-off dream. Oh, he’d tell her all the words she longed to hear. She knew she’d never believe him when he insisted she remained beautiful after seeing the puffy, ugly lines stitched across her breast area. She closed her eyes and let the pain wash over her body. Kassie supported her on the chair while she wailed. Life felt like one cruel bitch. First, she took Michael, then their beloved son, Conner. Now, she took parts of Lizzy, daring her to complain. Her life hung in a cruel balancing act. If she dared to live her dreams, life snatched them back until the only thing left resembled jagged pieces stitched together to cover her broken heart.
“Lizzy, I don’t want you to catch a chill. Do you want to forego the shower and I’ll help you dress?” Kassie asked as she placed a robe over Lizzy’s shoulders.
“No. I want a shower unless you’ve changed your mind about helping me.” Lizzy refused to meet Kassie’s eyes. Even to her own ears, her voice sounded hollow.
“The doctor wanted you to keep the bandages on until she saw you at your post-op appointment. I’ll cover the areas with gauze and wrap it. Once you’re out, we’ll redo the dressings. Sometimes a nice hot shower can perform wonders,” Kassie softly told her as she went about the room prepping it. The water began to warm, filling the bathroom with steam. Kassie sat the shower chair under the running water to warm the seat. “This isn’t forever, Lizzy. You’re still healing. I can’t imagine the feelings going through you right now and if you need to talk, I’m here. Claire can visit you if you prefer someone outside our group.”
Lizzy shook her head. “I knew what to expect, but I didn’t, ya know?”
“Sometimes it’s our bodies’ way of protecting us from trauma. Everything you’re feeling is scary, but also normal. Remember you have friends and Michael to lean on when it feels too much to handle. Even strong women require helping hands.” Kassie removed the robe and wrapped Lizzy’s torso in gauze and a layer of film to keep the area dry. She placed the drain lanyard over Lizzy’s neck and adjusted the drains.
Lizzy stood and made her way to the shower.
“Sit with your back toward the spray.” Kassie directed her into the chair and stepped out of the shower long enough to lift her scrubs over her head and down her legs.
“What are you doing?” Lizzy asked as she watched Kassie throw her hair up into a messy bun.
“I’m wearing a swimsuit. I’m helping you with your shower and getting you settled. Then you can enjoy the soak while I change.” Kassie hopped into the shower and pulled one of the spray handles down to run hot water down Lizzy’s legs while the other jet hit her back. Kassie handed her a towel to cover her chest.
“I’m not as good as Samantha when it comes to a hair wash, but Chase doesn’t complain when I massage his head,” Kassie wet Lizzy’s hair down and massaged her scalp with shampoo.
Lizzy let out a moan as her friend’s fingers rubbed her noggin in tiny circles.
“I see why he doesn’t complain. You’re good.” Her head tilted back further as her neck relaxed under Kassie’s masterful hands.
“I’m a quick study. If he comes in with a serious face, I wait till Em goes to bed and suggest a hot shower to relax him. As soon as his head goes back, I know I’ve got him,” she told her, as she rinsed out the shampoo and added conditioner.
“You got him?”
“Yeah, one head massage later, and I’m a lucky, lucky girl,” Kassie grinned as she moved to Lizzy’s front.
“Hmmm, questions come to mind.” Lizzy peered at her friend with one eye as Kassie’s fingers moved to her temples.
“What?” She concentrated on her task.
“Are we still talking about the head massage on the top or the lower one? Second, are you trying to get me into bed?”
Both women snickered.
“It doesn’t really matter which head. I’m still a very lucky girl. The second question, I’m afraid you’re out of luck, I’m taken. Chase ruined me for anyone else.”
Lizzy grew quiet. “I knew you planned to come a bit later. I asked Michael to leave early. I wanted to see myself. I don’t know if I can let him see me like this. How can I keep him attracted to me when I resemble a surfboard?” Another tear slid down her cheek and melded with the water in her lap.
“Michael loves you from the inside out. He loves your intelligence, how you magically walk into chaos and organize everything in mere minutes. Your independence and drive attract men to you. When we worked together, I can’t begin to tell you how many times I saw men stare at you as they watch a confident woman walking by. Plus, I always considered him an ass man.” Kassie left the conditioner in her hair while she washed her face.
“An ass man?”
“Yep, he always walks behind you and checks out your ass. I noticed it during the snowball fight. When he walked with you to get hot chocolate, he stayed totally focused on your butt.”
“What if this turns him off?” Lizzy whispered softly.
Kassie stopped rinsing out the washcloth, knelt and placed her hands on her friend’s knees. “You’re scared. Everything feels new, it’s still swollen and healing. Take it one day at a time. You found your way back to each other even after losing your child and him losing you. If he lets something like this bother him, he isn’t the man either of us know. Michael stayed by my side when Chase and the team’s helo went missing. He never left me or Emma. He’s a man who cares deeply and I imagine when he says he loves you, he means for life. These men of ours act hard and tough on the outside, but inside they carry the biggest hearts ever. Michael wants to love you through this. The question is, will you let him?”
Lizzy slowly nodded at her friend. Kassie made a point. Michael had insisted from the moment he learned of her diagnosis that she allow him to stay at her side. If things stayed status quo, she’d somehow muster the courage to stay and not run again. What concerned her the most was the tests showing something. He’d already experienced it once with his mom. She refused to allow him to watch her suffer. She witnessed the pain in his eyes every time he thought of his mom. Dread filled her as she waited for the phone call giving her the news. After everything life handed them, Michael didn’t deserve to endure that battle again. For once, Lizzy wasn’t sure if she worried more about her diagnosis or a future without Michael.