Chapter Twenty Two
The next day, the medical staff took Lizzy to the nuclear medicine department for her scan. True to her word, Kassie called in a favor from Dr. Perry and the results were read promptly. When Lizzy returned from the bathroom, Michael tucked her back into bed. A soft knock on the door made both turn and stare as Dr. Safder walked in.
Taking Lizzy’s hand, he held on to her with a death grip as they anxiously waited for the doctor to give them the news.
“The scan results came back, and I wanted to let you know there’s no indication your cancer has spread,” she told them, smiling. “Now I’m sending you home and want you to rest and drink plenty of fluids.”
“I will,” Lizzy assured her as Michael clutched her hand. “Thank you.”
“Yes, thank you,” Michael choked out, as relief flooded his body at the report. Lizzy squeezed his hand as Dr. Safder exited the room.
Leaning down, he kissed her forehead as his arms went around her in a tight hug. “That’s the best news I’ve heard all day.”
“I’m relieved the wait is over. Please text Kassie and thank her for pulling strings for us. She can let everyone know the results while we pack up and return home. I’m ready to sleep in my own bed again,” Lizzy told him as she pulled the covers back to start dressing.
“Stay put, you know it’ll take a while for the discharge paperwork. Why don’t you take a nap? I’ll wake you when we get out of here and help you dress.” Michael pulled the covers back over her and she closed her eyes. Within minutes, she fell asleep. Michael laid his head on the bed rail and whispered his gratefulness for something going their way. Hopefully, the rest of her battle went as smoothly as the scan.
* * *
Five weeks had passedsince her hospital stay. The women of Serenity cared for Lizzy’s physical needs while he handled her emotional ones when she let him. Even though she healed, she didn’t offer to let him sleep in their room. Another thing she drew the invisible line on. Dr. Brady removed the drainage tubes weeks prior, and Lizzy refused to allow him to go with her to the appointment. When they spent the evenings together, she rarely struck up a conversation, preferring to read or browse on her computer. Once she started moving around more easily, she insisted on less help from him. After today”s appointment, they planned to meet Kassie for his apology dessert.
“Did you want to grab lunch in Seattle before coming home? Kassie texted that she may run a few minutes late. She’s admitting a new teen to the ward.” Michael pulled his clothes for the day from the master closet, refusing to delegate them to the other room.
“I prefer to come home. We still have a freezer full of food. Even with the gang no longer bringing anything, I think we’re stocked for two more months.” Lizzy called from the bathroom as she leaned into the mirror to apply lipstick.
Michael didn’t bother to point out the food might come in handy over the next few weeks as she started chemo.
“I’m ready to go whenever you are,” she announced as she came out and grabbed her sweater, not bothering to turn in his direction.
Slightly annoyed by her actions, he left the room. The gulf between them grew wider, and he struggled to find a cause. He’d spent the last few weeks showing her his new office. They visited Chase’s hospital and walked the winding paths until she tired. Knowing the cancer weighed heavily on her mind, he tried not to take her coolness to heart and gave her time alone to sort her thoughts by running a few errands.
Lizzy followed him to the car and slid into the passenger seat, holding her pillow. When he started the car and drove toward Seattle, she finally spoke.
“Since this appointment is a follow-up, if you want to run errands or visit your old office, I can go alone.”
Michael bit his tongue to keep from lashing out. “Nope, I’m all yours today. I cleared my schedule for you and then later, Kassie, for her apology dessert. You women are serious about your chocolate. Chase told me she already called Ty’s to ensure he made enough for us.”
She smiled. “I think she’s going through hormonal cravings. Bryanna says she polished off four scones yesterday. I feel bad for her. She’s trying to stay strong during this infertility journey. Her emotions run all over the place. Will Chase join us this afternoon?”
“He’s working and promised Emma a horseback ride this afternoon. The mountain’s starting to show signs of spring and he promised her they’d collect things from nature for a school project.”
“He’s a great dad.” She gazed out the window.
“Speaking of becoming a dad, Dr. Safder mentioned fertility preservation. Did you want to discuss it?” He picked up her hand and she pulled it away and dropped it in her lap.
“I’ve given it some thought. I’ve experienced pregnancy. I love kids and thought I wanted them. After losing Conner, I don’t think I want to spend the first year of my child’s life hovering over the crib. I did everything by the book, Michael, and I still didn’t save him.” Lizzy bowed her head.
Michael pulled her hand from her lap and squeezed it. “I can’t imagine how traumatizing finding Conner must’ve felt for you. You lived in foster homes, and I’ve seen enough abused children to know there’s plenty to adopt and give a safe and loving home. Can we consider adoption?”
“Why don’t we get through this first before we leap to kids? I haven’t started chemo yet. I don’t feel an urge, like Kassie, to get pregnant. Freezing my eggs doesn’t feel like a priority at this stage. I don’t feel any sense of urgency to discover more about the procedure or experience another pregnancy.”
Michael nodded. Her confession spoke more about her than anything she’d discussed with him in weeks. Something churned in his gut about the way she didn’t include him or ask how he felt about the situation. If they decided to have kids naturally, he didn’t mind adopting a couple more.
“Michael, I don’t want you to come in until after the exam,” Lizzy quietly told him. “You’re determined to go with me today, and I don’t want to hurt your feelings.”
He sighed, knowing she didn’t want him to see her. He read enough about women feeling a loss after a mastectomy and a fear of allowing their partners to see them afterward. Even after researching it, he didn’t consider Lizzy in the same category. Didn’t she know he loved her unconditionally?
“Fine, I’ll drop you off for the appointment and I’ll find something to do,” his voice came out curter than he intended.
“Now you’re mad,” she told him sadly.
“I’m not upset. I’ve read it takes women a while to adjust to their new body and I want to reassure you, but my words won’t mean anything to you. We’ll work on your schedule,” he told her confidently.
“You’ve read?’
“Yes, I’m not an expert by any means. But I want to know how to support you the best way I can.” Michael pulled the car into the parking garage and shut the engine off.
“I don’t want you to sacrifice everything you want in life to make me happy. Kids mean a lot to you, and even if you feel this way now, what about down the road?”
Michael turned her chin with his fingers. “Because loving you, Lizzy Bee, makes me the happiest man alive. Children, biologically or adopted to share with you, will be icing on the cake.”
Lizzy sighed. “I better get going. Do you want me to text you when I finish?”
“Yes, I’ll walk you in.” Michael got out of the car and helped Lizzy out. They went through the hospital, and he waited until she stepped onto the elevator. Her head hung down until the doors started to close. She glanced up as if she wanted to say something and the doors closed. Even if she didn’t seem to want his touch, he saw the vulnerability in her eyes. He wondered if he made a mistake about not fighting her to attend the appointment. He tried to give her some space when all he wanted to do was hold her.
Michael stuffed his hands in his pockets and roamed the halls as he debated whether to follow her and let her know he planned to stick by her side forever.
“Hello, Dr. Harris.”
Stopping as the familiar voice broke him from his thoughts, Michael took in the woman in front of him. He tried to pinpoint where he knew her from.
She stuck her hand out. “I’m Candi, the nurse who took care of your wife after her surgery.
Michael nodded, feeling embarrassed at not recognizing her.
“I’m sorry, I remember you now. You took very good care of Elizabeth.”
“Did Elizabeth need my schedule?” She cocked her head while she waited for his response.
“Ugh, no. I’m passing time while Elizabth attends her appointment.”
“Oh, I work part time in PT doing lymphatic massages. Kassie and Lizzy have visited me a couple of times. She mentioned she wanted to schedule another appointment.”
Another thing Lizzy failed to mention. “No. I’ll remind her to make her next appointment,” his disappointment evident in his voice.
“I’ve got fifteen minutes, why don’t you come in and I can give you my schedule?” Candi walked to the glass doors into the physical therapy department.
She walked into her little cubby area and shuffled through paperwork. She pulled out a pamphlet and a sheet of paper with her contact information and schedule. She started to hand it to him when she hesitated. “Dr. Harris, may I say something?”
Michael’s eyebrows arched in question. “Sure.”
“I’ve worked the unit for over twelve years. My mom passed away from breast cancer and I found a way of fighting back. I see women struggle physically and emotionally through the process. It’s scary, the waiting sucks, and it plagues your mind when you’re in limbo between treatments. What people don’t talk about is how it affects their partners or family members. As a nurse and massage therapist, I’ve seen how people cope. Can I give you some free advice?”
Michael wondered if he and Lizzy appeared transparent to everyone around them. Michael straightened his shoulders and regarded the woman in front of him. “I’m listening.”
“Sometimes, it’s difficult for a partner to connect after a mastectomy or even a lumpectomy. Massage can sometimes help. You’re a doctor. Have you given any thought to learning lymphatic massage techniques? The class takes forty hours of classroom instruction and then another one hundred and thirty-five hours of clinical time to earn you CMLDT.”
He shook his head. “Honestly, I didn’t know she came here.” The reality of his situation hit him hard upon hearing his own confession. Lizzy kept this from him.
Candi touched his arm. “She’s only visited a couple of times. Massage can help the lymphatic system, relax the patient, and reduce pain and swelling. I find touch can provide a connection when words can’t.”
“Thank you, Candi. If you don’t mind, can we keep this conversation to ourselves? You might’ve given me an idea and I prefer to keep it to myself for a bit.”
Candi smiled. “I’m headed to Dr. Safder’s office in a bit, I’ll be sure to run into Lizzy and give her this information myself.” She winked as she walked back into the therapy room and guided an older woman across the floor to one of the private areas.
Michael took out his phone and dialed the one person he knew could make things happen expeditiously. The phone began to ring.
“Good morning, Michael,” Kassie’s cheerful voice came over the line.
“Hello, Kassie, I need a favor.”
* * *
“Everything is healingas it should, your vitals show on target. Now tell me, how are you coping?” Dr. Safder wheeled her stool over and placed her hands on Lizzy’s knees.
“I’m feeling better and getting around faster. It’s a step in the right direction,” Lizzy replied.
“What about emotionally? Did you talk to the therapist you mentioned in Serenity? I know Kassie has resources available, did you take advantage of them or any of the area’s support groups?”
“I’m not big on support groups, my friends help me,” she added.
Dr. Safder narrowed her eyes. “Elizabeth, I’ve known you since you worked as an administrator here. You’ve always radiated confidence and independence. Cancer tends to knock people off balance. Have you experienced any depression or anxiety?”
Elizabeth mulled over the question. “I’ve dealt with some anxiety over what’s coming next. I struggle because I can’t control any of this.”
“Yes. You and I share similar views in that respect. I suggest you go to a session or two and see if the therapist can give you suggestions on how to handle the anxiety. Next week we’ll start the chemo. We’ve gone through the side effects. I’m assuming Dr. Harris or Kassie will accompany you to the appointments and drive you home? Someone will be staying with you?”
Lizzy nodded. “Yes.”
“Then I’ll see you in a couple of weeks. Don’t hesitate to call me if you have any issues and fill those prescriptions before your appointment.”
Lizzy exited the office and set up her next appointment. She stepped out of the checkout area to find Michael sitting in the waiting room.
“I thought you wanted me to text you.” she told him as he opened the door, leading her out of the office.
“I finished what I needed to do. Are you ready to return home? We’ve got a couple of hours before meeting Kassie and I need to run an errand. Can I drop you off at the house?”
Her mouth parted in surprise. He barely left her alone and now he seemed almost eager to get rid of her. “I’ll throw in some laundry, and I want to finish the book I’m reading.”
Michael led them to the car and turned toward Serenity. His recent quiet acceptance of their situation disappeared and appeared replaced with an excitement she missed seeing in him. Knowing she caused his change in demeanor by pushing him away added to her guilt. She felt the rift between them and didn’t know how to repair it without baring herself to him. She barely faced the ugly scars herself; she didn’t think she could handle the repulsion on his face if he saw her.
Now she dug them into a bigger hole. She insisted she shower by herself and locked the door. Every week she promised to address the elephant in the room and every week she struggled to face him. Now six weeks had passed, and she missed him holding her in his arms and feeling safe. When he reached for her hand, she pulled back, afraid she might crumble and tell him how much her loss bothered her and how scared she felt about his reaction.
The ride home stayed silent until they pulled into the driveway of their home.
“I’ll pick you up in an hour,” he told her as he helped her out of the car and ensured she made it up the steps.
She watched as he pulled out of the driveway and turned down the next street wondering if one day, he’d leave her for good.