8. Taken in hand by the ex-in-laws
8
TAKEN IN HAND BY THE EX-IN-LAWS
‘Did I mention Nan and Grandad are coming over this morning?’ Netta was talking to Liza, but Colin was all too aware the announcement was meant for him.
‘Oh cool.’ Liza was buttering toast. She had that look on her face that people used when they were trying to fake surprise and weren’t doing a very good job of it.
‘Yes, Grandad’s looking for some help at the allotment. Some kind of expansion project.’
Colin looked up from his breakfast. He hoped, he really hoped they weren’t suggesting… He saw their sneaky sideways glances towards his end of the table and realised that, yes, they actually were suggesting that very thing. He stood up abruptly before their next move ensnared him. ‘Well, I’ve got a few phone calls to make. Have a good day, both of you.’
‘I’m at the foodbank today, so I’ll be back earlier than usual.’ Netta threw him a more obvious, “ I dare you to say something derogatory ” stare. He pretended he hadn’t noticed. She’d started volunteering at the foodbank soon after she’d lost her high-flying, highly paid job. It had bugged him when he’d found out about it. Not, as she probably thought, because he didn’t agree with charitable works. He did. He just hadn’t agreed that she should have been doing charitable work rather than provide for her family. Obviously, that soon became academic when she discovered his belt and braces approach to their household finances, so he was long past the point of caring how she spent her time.
‘And I’m not at uni, I’m working from home. Frank’s home actually. He lets me use his studio,’ said Liza.
‘That’s very good of him. Is it one of his teaching days today then?’ said Colin.
‘No, he’ll be there too.’
‘Okay, might see you later then.’ He made it sound cheery. It was important to sound cheery. Like life was a breeze. Like all the shit in the world wasn’t landing on his head at the exact same time.
He shut the bedroom door and took up his usual position on the edge of the bed. She painted in Frank’s studio? She’d never, not once, ever asked to paint in his studio. She hadn’t even joined his classes when he’d invited her to the art retreats he taught in Italy. Colin cradled his head in his hands. Being cheery was a fucking nightmare when everything you ever cared about was in freefall. And now the ex-in-laws were coming round to apparently drag him to an allotment. Well, absolutely not. Absolutely fucking not.
He tried Arianne’s number for the umpteenth time. Amazingly, she picked up. ‘I’m only answering this to tell you I’m blocking your number, Colin.’
‘Arianne, please my darling, I’m sorry. Whatever it is I’ve done, I’m sorry. Please talk to me. Tell me how I can put things right.’
‘I’ll tell you what you’ve done. You’ve abused me, with your insults and looking down your nose at me.’
‘Darling, I said I wasn’t keen on dinner. That’s hardly abuse.’
‘See! You’re at it again, looking down your nose at me like I’m some kind of trailer trash. Enough is enough, Colin. You’ve crossed a line. And I’ve moved on.’
‘Arianne, you’re still in my house. You haven’t moved anywhere.’
‘And I’m not going to. I’m just as entitled to live here as you. I have rights.’
‘I don’t think you do, love.’
‘We’ll see what my solicitor says about that.’
‘If you’re talking about that cousin of yours, she dropped out before she finished her degree.’
‘She didn’t drop out. She took a gap year that got extended. And no, I wasn’t talking about her actually. I have an appointment next week. In the meantime, if you try to approach me or the house, you’ll have Byron to deal with.’
‘Who?’
‘Byron. As I said, I’ve moved on. Goodbye Colin. Consider yourself blocked.’
Blocked! Fucking blocked? Fucking Byron? And all because he said he was sick of fucking lentil dahl. Hadn’t she made him suffer enough? He slid off the bed onto his knees and crouched up into a ball. This might just be the third worst day of his life.
The bedroom door opened. Colin heard the pad of paws on the carpet. A wet nose stained his right ear with something that was probably gross and unpleasant. It belonged to Betty, the big dog. He stayed in his crouching position in the hope she might get bored. She did not get bored. In fact she tried to hump him. He rolled over and saw another dog, very like Betty, observing the whole disgusting scene. Oh no! It was Geraldine and Arthur’s dog.
‘I’ve never known Betty do that.’ Balls. Arthur was in the room, too. He thought it was a bit odd that dogs could turn doorknobs.
Colin sat up. ‘It must be my irresistible charm.’
‘I doubt that very much.’ Arthur puffed out his cheeks. ‘Right, do you want to come with me to the allotment?’
‘No.’
Arthur put his hands on his hips. ‘You’re not making this easy.’
‘Still, no.’
‘Okay, last chance. Colin, would you like to come and help out at the allotment? It would do you good to get out in the fresh air.’
‘Again, no.’
The ex-father-in-law tutted. ‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’ He went out onto the landing. ‘I tried, Gee.’
Before Colin could say piss off, Arthur and take these dogs with you, Geraldine was standing over him. He really wished he’d used those few seconds to stand up because at this very moment, as he sat on the floor, Colin felt very small. Although, even if he’d been at full height, he had the feeling he’d still feel small. Geraldine had that kind of effect on him.
‘Listen to me, you.’ Her finger was inches from his eyeball. ‘If I had my way, you’d be on the streets or left in some dark hole to rot away until you disappeared from our lives completely. But there are more important things at stake than my feelings. You’re the father of my granddaughter and I can’t see her unhappy. And much as I think you’re a despicable toad, I do believe you love Liza, and you want what’s best for her. So Colin, you will get off your backside and you will go to the allotment with Arthur. And when you come back, you will tell Liza you loved every minute of it, even if you hated it. Do I make myself clear?’
The finger was still pointing dangerously close. Colin looked to Arthur. Arthur exhaled loudly. ‘Best you say yes, Colin. She’s only just warming up.’
Thankfully, Geraldine folded her arms. At least his eyesight was safe for now. He was sure she wasn’t this bad before. It must have been since she went bonkers and had to see a therapist. She unfolded her arms and looked very much as if she might be considering a resumption of finger pointing. Or possibly worse. ‘I’m waiting.’
‘Yes, all right. I’ll go.’ Better that than have his eye gouged out.
Geraldine gave him a smile that was pure evil. ‘Well done. Right, I’ve made you both a packed lunch. I don’t expect you back until mid-afternoon at the earliest. Off you trot.’