54. A day of second chances
54
A DAY OF SECOND CHANCES
Colin hung around the allotment gates for a while hoping to catch someone’s eye, but he was out of luck. It was going to have to be another climb over. Fitting, he supposed, since that was the way of his last exit.
He was halfway over when a car pulled up. Clyde was in the driving seat, and he did not look happy. Colin climbed back down again and hung his head like a guilty schoolboy. Typical to be caught in the act when he was trying to do the decent thing.
Clyde got out of the car and let Colonel out. ‘What do you think you’re doing? Climbing over gates, a man in your condition. You think Arthur will be happy about that? And what about Geraldine? She’ll do her nut.’
‘You could always not tell them.’
Clyde sucked air between his teeth. ‘You vex me bad sometimes, Colin. You know that?’
‘I do, and I’m sorry, Clyde. I have a habit of vexing people. I don’t always mean to. It just happens. I am actually trying very hard not to do any kind of vexing at all.’
‘I’m thinking you need to try harder.’
Colin nodded his head. Words were unnecessary, and probably pointless when it came to Clyde.
Clyde unlocked the gate. ‘Come on, Colonel.’
Colin could have sworn the big dog gave him an eye roll as he loped past him through the hallowed gate.
Clyde jerked his head a touch. ‘Well come on then, if you’re coming.’
He quick-stepped through before the old man changed his mind. ‘Are you going to tell Arthur?’
‘I’m still thinking about it. What you doing here anyway? We’re all finished up there.’
‘I wanted to see it now that it’s been done. And I er, I was hoping to see Ursula.’
‘You going to be upsetting her again?’
‘No. Quite the opposite, I hope.’
‘You better not be. Otherwise I am definitely telling Arthur. And Geraldine. She’ll be the first to hear of it.’
‘Understood. Can I go now?’ That sounded sarcastic and Colin was trying really hard not to be either sarcastic or vexing. He added: ‘Please’ in an entirely non-sarcastic, non-sneery, non-vexing way. At least he hoped that’s how it came across.
‘Okay. But remember, I’m keeping my eye on you, and I got Geraldine’s number on speed dial.’
Wasn’t everybody’s number on speed dial these days? He decided not to point that out.
Colin tried Ursula’s allotment first, but she wasn’t there, and the shed was locked up. Disappointed, he turned towards the hedge which had been cut back even further. Its height had been halved too, so that you could actually see most of Samuel’s shed. The wicker chair was still outside. A small piece of green paper had got caught up in the cane. As he got closer to it, more colours emerged, and Colin recognised it as the Jamaican flag. It was held in place by a stick, a bit bigger than a toothpick. Doogie had brought Samuel’s widow here yesterday. She may have left it. He sat down in one of the other chairs. The flag made it wrong to sit in Samuel’s seat. As if you were sitting on him.
With the weeds all gone, the space looked bare and vacant. Colin rather liked it that way. It fitted his current state of mind. The sun came out from behind a blob of cloud. That type of cloud had a name, but he didn’t know it. His dad would have known. He was something of a cloud specialist. Which was precisely why Colin refused to remember any of them.
He closed his eyes. After too many days in bed, his busy morning had tired him out. Probably all those months of neglect and stress didn’t help either. Still, he’d had a good talk that morning with Netta. She’d told him she’d loved him once which had made him a bit sad, but mostly deliriously happy. Rather ashamed too about all the other things. He wished she’d given him the chance to say sorry properly, but she’d given him a different kind of chance. A second one. She’d forgiven him and now his happiness was off the scale.
The sun on his face felt good. It felt optimistic, if he dare use such a word. ‘Are you getting this too, Samuel?’ So he was talking to ghosts as well as dogs now? He was officially off his rocker. He smiled. Yep, completely lost it.
When he opened his eyes again, he saw a shot of red over the top of the hedge. Ursula was wearing a new dress. She looked quite stunning.
‘I like your dress,’ he said when she was near enough.
She answered with a smile, but it was her eyes that gave away all that Colin needed to know. She knew everything about his breakdown. Everything about him and Arianne too, probably. She had some flowers in her hand. ‘Sweet peas. Samuel’s favourite flower. I promised Priscilla I’d lay some for him.’ She put them on the wicker chair and shut her eyes for a spell. Then she took the seat on the other side, so that it felt like Samuel was between them.
He waited for her to settle before starting: ‘I shouldn’t have made those assumptions about your husband. I knew really that what he did was wrong. Just as I knew what I did to Netta was wrong.’
She turned to look at him, her eyes impassive. ‘Then why couldn’t you say that?’
‘I think because I’d built my life around it. The revenge. That was me. If I admitted it was wrong then there was nothing left for me to be.’
‘And now that you have, who will you be?’
‘Hard to say. I’m in a state of flux at the moment. Not exactly redeemed but not quite a write off. I have a very bossy lady keeping me in check.’
‘Would that be Geraldine? She’s a formidable woman.’
‘She is indeed. Sadly, she’s exactly what I need at the moment. I hear you’re leaving.’
‘Just for a few months while I work out who I’m going to be.’
‘And what then?’
She shrugged. ‘Who knows? I’m in a state of flux too. Come with me.’
Colin wrinkled his nose. ‘To a commune?’
Ursula threw back her head and laughed. It was like watching a waterfall cascading. Fresh, vibrant and life affirming. ‘It’s not what you think. They don’t sit around a pot full of lentils singing ‘Kumbaya’. It’s just a community of people who share a large house rather than be lonely. They have some spare rooms for visitors. It’s near Snowdonia, the perfect place to work out where you’re going next. We can do it together.’
Colin took in her dazzling smile, the mischievous twinkle in her eye, the gentle but strong nature of her and marvelled at how easy it would be to fall for this woman. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to, Ursula, but I’m not ready for another relationship.’
‘Neither am I. We’re both still grieving. But I’m always ready for friendship.’
Friendship. Of course. How arrogant of him to assume that she would be desperate enough to want him. ‘I’m an idiot. I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. You’re still finding your way. Everything’s upside down for you at the moment.’
‘Can I ask who is it you’re grieving for? Is it your husband, in spite of all he did?’
‘No. Someone much dearer.’
Samuel, he supposed. It was obvious now that Colin thought about it. There was a sadness to her whenever she spoke of him.
‘And you Colin, who are you grieving for?’
‘I don’t know.’ He looked out at the land in front of him. ‘It seems empty here now that it’s done.’
‘Not empty. Resting. Waiting to be filled up again.’
Resting. Waiting. Yes, he could see that now.
He felt unusually positive as he walked back to Netta’s. Ursula had that effect on him. He’d be sad to see her go, but they’d agreed to keep in touch and while she was away, he was going to mind the allotment for her. Yes, him. An allotment holder. Imagine! It would be nice to see this commune that wasn’t really a commune. If it really was full of lonely people, he’d fit right in. But he couldn’t go yet. He was too dependent on this new family he’d somehow accumulated. He was thinking about grief. It hadn’t been difficult to work out who Ursula was grieving for. It was harder to work out the source of his own grief. There were so many things to pick from. But one thing he did know. It wasn’t Arianne.
‘Is that you, Colin?’ Geraldine called out to him as he let himself in.
He already had his foot on the stairs. ‘Yes. Can’t stop. I need to write something down.’
As soon as he was in the bedroom, he picked up the notepad. The first thing he did was put a tick next to: ‘Apologise to Ursula.’
Then he wrote:
Who or what am I grieving for?
He heard someone on the stairs. Probably Geraldine. If Clyde had called her, she’d be coming to give him a verbal clip round the ear. Maybe he’d show her what he’d just written. She’d have a field day with that one. The footsteps were getting closer. He hastily scribbled one more thing:
Not empty. Resting. Waiting to be filled up again.
The knock came on the door. Colin steeled himself. ‘Come in, Geraldine.’
The door opened and it was Liza. It was the first time he’d seen her since she’d walked out on him on Friday. When he was fully awake at any rate. He still wasn’t sure if she’d come to him when he was semi-conscious. He felt quite shaky, unsure as to whether it was nervous excitement or fear for what she might say to him this time.
‘Hey. You’re looking a bit better.’ She was messing with her thumbs, twisting and turning them.
‘I couldn’t look any worse, I suppose. Sorry I was in such a state.’
‘Can I…?’ She pointed to the bed.
‘Yeah. Sure.’ He moved up to give her space.
‘About the things I said to you?—’
‘You were right to say them. I needed to hear it. You were spot on about what an absolute swine I’ve been. I really don’t know how you put up with me for so long. No one else did. You’re wrong about me only being interested in Will though. I’m sure it looked that way. I think I got a bit fixated on him because I can’t be around him. And I definitely took you for granted, but I promise I will never do that again. If you give me a second chance, that is.’
‘Okay.’ She took hold of his hand.
Colin’s emotions were in turbo charge mode again. He pointed to the tears splashing on his cheeks. ‘Ignore these. Your nan says it’s good for me but frankly, I find it highly embarrassing.’ She laughed. Laughter was good. ‘Your painting is brilliant, by the way. Frightening, but brilliant.’
‘Maybe I’ll paint you again when you’re all new and different.’
‘That would be good. Perhaps wait until I look a bit less ravaged.’
‘We could paint together, like I do with Frank.’
He shook his head. ‘I wish I could say yes, darling. I would so like to be able to set up an easel next to my wonderfully talented daughter, but I can’t. It just won’t come. In fact, the idea of picking up a brush again makes me physically sick.’
Liza slid her arm around his waist and put her head on his shoulder. ‘Let’s just see how things go when you’re back in your own place.’
‘All right.’ He didn’t think that would change things but he didn’t have the heart to tell her.
She let go of him and turned to face him. ‘I’ve got something to tell you. Me and Merrie have been doing some undercover work. We’ve been following Arianne. You know like she makes out she’s a vegan and all that? Well she’s been buying meat and cheese, chocolate and so many things that are absolutely not vegan.’
‘It’ll be for that Byron guy. He looks like a meat eater to me.’ He looked like a Colin eater too, given half the chance.
‘Yeah, we followed him too. He works in a tattoo parlour further up Moseley Road. There’s more. We’ve seen her eating food in cafés.’
‘Are you sure, Lize? She stopped eating anything but her own cooking a couple of years ago.’
‘Well she’s back on it now, and guess what.’
‘What?’
‘We’ve seen her tucking into a big fat meaty burger. Twice!’
Colin’s jaw went slack. A burger? The lying, deceitful bitch. No wonder she was getting fatter while he was withering down to skin and bone. He reached for the notepad and wrote:
Get my house back and throw Arianne out.
Liza read it over his shoulder. ‘Go, Dad.’
‘Yes, go me. But I just want you to know, this is not about revenge. I’m not doing revenge anymore. This is about facing my fears.’