36. Wisdom of a Mother
Wisdom of a Mother
Holly
Iwake up in Mateo’s house. That thought is so strange. It feels so weird that being here already feels like home to me. I’ve never envied someone’s house, but I’m starting to understand the feeling.
It’s so comfortable. It’s warm, it’s lived in, it has knick-knacks and memories from Mateo’s childhood on a bookshelf.
It feels like a home.
But really, it’s the fact that everything made of wood in this house was made by Mateo. Every piece looks like and emotionally feels like a treasure. I want to keep all of them, not just because they’re gorgeous but because, well… Mateo made them.
I’ve been coming to terms with my deep feelings for Mateo, but waking up in a bed that still has a lingering pine scent, even though it has clean sheets, has me thinking a little too deeply.
My anxiety doesn’t like the deep end yet.
I need to get out of this house ASAP.
I shower, get dressed in jeans and a t-shirt—channeling my husband’s farm boy energy—and head to the kitchen in record time. It's empty, as is the rest of the house, which is when I spy a note on the counter next to a travel-size Nutella and a small pack of pretzels.
I pick up the note before breaking into my extra special breakfast.
Good morning, Buttercup,
I’m off to help my dad around the farm and check in on everything.
You mentioned wanting to visit Momma T and Stanley.
I realized you might not be comfortable driving an ATV to their house, so I texted Momma T.
She said she can pick you up whenever you’re ready to visit.
Do not feel obligated to hang out at my family’s house.
In fact, I’d suggest leaving so you don’t get roped into the day-long cooking they’ve already started.
Have a good morning. I’ll pick you up later this afternoon so we can help set up for the big fiesta. Can’t wait to see you later.
As You Wish
Mateo
My heart thumps painfully against my chest. How is he so perfect for me? It’s like he can read my mind. It’s like he knows me.
The thought has me grabbing the first chair I can find, which happens to be one of the beautifully crafted dining room table chairs, and I sit and process that thought.
Mateo knows me. Not in the way the Bible talks spouses knowing each other like I’ve been learning in my reading. No, Mateo gets me. He’s starting to understand how I think and has picked up on my preferences and habits.
Honestly, he knows more about my feelings and emotional well-being than anyone, even my brother.
Fear shoots through me like ice in my veins and I can’t stop the shiver that races up my spine.
I’ve never let someone get this close to me. After being hurt by my parents, I haven’t let myself get attached to anyone who might leave me.
Fear battles in my heart against the assurances and peace I’ve felt about my relationship with Mateo.
The pressure grows in my chest, weighing on me until it feels hard to breathe.
I need to get out of my head and talk to someone.
I pull out my phone and text Alex’s mother-in-law. He’s testified of her advice and motherly intuition, and that’s what I need right now.
Holly
Hey, Momma T. I’d love to spend the morning with you. Are you still okay with picking me up?
Momma T
Sweet pea, you don’t even have to ask. I can pick you up as soon as you’re ready.
Holly
Fifteen minutes?
Momma T
See you then, sweetie!
The Nutella and pretzels are going to have to wait. I find a bagel and slather on cream cheese, scarfing down the comforting carbs before brushing my teeth and slipping on my shoes. My special snack goes into my purse for later.
Tires roll across the gravel driveway next to the house, and I head out the door to see Momma T getting out of her truck.
The joy on her face at seeing me instantly comforts my soul. “Holly! Come here, my girl.”
I rush to her, my purse slapping against my hip as I jog down the walkway. Momma T’s arms envelop me when I reach her. It’s as if just being near her soothes my soul, knowing that we’ll figure things out together, and this indescribable feeling immediately calms the riot of my emotions.
Maybe the hug does too good of a job, because next thing I know moisture is gathering in my eyes.
Momma T pulls back, cupping my cheek. “Dear girl, I’m so happy to see you. I wish we could have come to the wedding, but Stanley volunteered to watch the farm for Mateo’s family.”
“It’s okay,” I say. Despite my best efforts, a tear rolls down my cheek and there’s a hiccup in my voice.
Momma T’s eyebrows pull together, her hazel eyes scanning mine as if reading my soul. “Sweet pea, what’s wrong?”
The barrier holding back my emotions bursts.
“I married the best man on the planet and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
I’m too broken to make a good wife, and I know this relationship wasn’t supposed to be real and he wasn’t supposed to love me.
He’s going to eventually leave, just like my parents did, and like Alex did when he got married.
Mateo’s not going to stick around, especially not when he has an amazing family and a job that he loves here.
But I can’t help that I’m falling in love with him, and I think he might like me too, but I mean, why would he stay in California? ”
I hiccup, and a sob stops my ramblings. Momma T wraps her arms around me again. Her hand strokes my hair as she gently shushes me, murmuring comforting words as I sob on her shoulder.
Eventually, I’m able to contain my crying enough to stand on my own and see through my tears, and I step out of her embrace.
“Sweet pea, that’s a lot of feelings. Let’s take you home and get you some hot cocoa, then we’ll talk about it.”
I sniff before letting out a laugh. “Momma T, it’s August. Who has hot cocoa in August?”
Her smile turns sassy, and I know I’ve seen that look before on Reina’s face. “Me, because the power of melted chocolate should not be questioned.”
I laugh again. It’s amazing how this woman makes me so comfortable that I’m bawling my eyes out one moment, then laughing the next. “I’ll take your word on that.”
She links her arm through mine as we walk toward her truck. She tilts her head and leans close like we’re conspiring together over a great secret. “I keep the windows open at night so the kitchen is chilly when I wake up. I only drink cocoa in the mornings.”
This wonderful woman’s antics lighten my heart. “That makes a lot more sense.”
We hop in the truck and Momma T starts driving. The quiet sound of the Christian rock station fills the silence between us as we make the less than five-minute trip.
She pulls in around the back of the house, parking by their small barn.
I hop out and wave to Stanley, who’s out feeding a small horse they recently purchased.
Reina thinks it’s because they’re predicting grandkids in the future who will want real horsey rides.
Stanley blows a kiss in my direction and my heart warms, knowing that even though Alex is the one who married into this wonderful family, they’ve also brought me into their fold.
We walk in the back door, and in a process that seems so fluid it must be a habit, Momma T drops the keys on the counter, grabs an apron, and preps a cup of hot cocoa. It seems like mere seconds later that I’m sitting on the couch, a cup of cocoa in hand and tucked in with a fuzzy blanket.
Momma T sits on the other end of the couch, sipping her own mug of cocoa. “Now, sweet pea, that was a whole lotta feelings and thoughts you spilled back there. Do you want to say them all again or just let me say what I’ve been pondering since I picked you up?”
I stare down into my cup. “I’m kind of avoiding thinking about what I said.”
Her voice is chipper, and it gives me hope that maybe my life isn’t as big a mess as I feel like it is right now. “I’ll just start in at the beginning, then.”
I nod and take a sip of my cocoa before placing it on the coffee table. I wrap the blanket tighter around me, bracing myself for Momma T's wisdom, and I’m oddly excited.
Momma T reaches over, resting her hand on my arm and squeezing it lightly.
“Holly, you’re an amazing woman, and Mateo is one of the best men I know.
But... he’s still just a man. I watched that boy find himself and get himself into many scrapes with Reina.
He is not perfect by any means. His impulsivity has decreased since adulthood, but he’ll probably still act without thinking sometimes.
That’s okay. He isn’t perfect, and he’s not meant to be.
Marriages never have perfect people in them.
Marriages are about two imperfect people growing and becoming better together, with the help of Christ.”
“That makes sense,” I mumble. “He just seems to know how to be an adult and how to do this whole relationship thing perfectly.”
Momma T laughs. “Girl, that boy has been on so many horrible dates that I have no question he knows how to take you on a good one. He by no means is loving and caring for you perfectly. You might feel that way because he has had excellent examples of healthy relationships in his life, and had those actions modeled for him. You and your brother didn’t.
You probably haven’t seen a healthy romantic relationship until Alex and Reina started dating.
Even then, they’re both learning healthy boundaries. ”
Her hand squeezes my arm again. “It might take more work and more effort for you to figure out this whole healthy relationship where you both love and care for each other. Because you’re learning things Mateo learned a long time ago.
That is by no means your fault, and it’s not something you should be ashamed of. ”
I nod and wipe an errant tear, shoving my anger at my parents to the side for now. I add my feelings to my list of topics to discuss in my next therapy session. Although talking to Momma T is basically therapy in and of itself.
Momma T grabs one of my hands, cupping it in both of hers and leaning forward, staring into my eyes intently.
“Holly, I want you to listen carefully to me. We are all broken. We are all imperfect. That doesn’t mean we aren’t worth loving.
You’ve been through so much in the past. You’ve been abandoned by the people who should have been there for you.
You’ve worked so hard and become so independent, but you don’t have to keep your walls up, and you don’t have to wear your tough girl armor all the time.
You are not alone anymore. You have Alex and Reina, me and Stan, and now you have Mateo. ”
Doubts creep into my heart again. “But do I have him? Our marriage isn’t real.”
Momma T just smiles, her own eyes misty and not a bit surprised at my admission.
I bet Reina mentioned something, and she figured it out herself.
She takes the news like a champ, acting unfazed as she leans back, an amused smile on her face.
“Sweet pea, that boy has been gone for you since he met you that first time in California. Your marriage may not be real in all senses of the word, but I can assure you that boy is not going anywhere. You have him, and I would not be surprised if he’s just waiting for the right minute to tell you he loves you. ”
The idea of Mateo telling me that he loves me has adrenaline racing through my body. My tears dry up and I sit in wonder. “Really?”
She squeezes my hand and pauses for a moment. Her head turns, and I follow her gaze to a painting of Christ on the wall. We both are silent for a minute, staring at the Savior who sacrificed so much for each of us.
Momma T turns back to me, her hazel eyes misty again, “Holly, I feel like you need to know that God loves you," she says, her voice achingly tender. "He has given you many talents, including your intelligence, your work ethic, and your kind and delicate heart. My heart is full, and I know it’s not just me feeling these things, but God giving me a taste of how much He loves you.”
My heart fills and overflows, overwhelmed with feelings of peace and a deep love I’ve never felt before. Tears fill my eyes and I don’t try to wipe them away.
“Holly, everything is going to work out. I don’t know how it’s going to, but it will.
God is in the details of your life. He sent your brother to our family.
You’re a part of our family too, sweet pea.
I hope you know that Stan and I love you like you’re one of our own. We will always be here for you.”
I wipe my tears away and lunge forward, wrapping Momma T in a hug, once again crying on her shoulder.
“I love you, too,” I choke out as emotions clog my throat.
Momma T starts talking into my hair, her arms still wrapped around me in a motherly embrace of my dreams. “Sweet pea, you’re an amazing catch.
You’re intelligent, you work hard, and you’re sweet and loving to those close to you, not to mention you’re drop-dead gorgeous.
Mateo would be a fool to not fall in love with you! ”
The question weighing on my mind bursts forth in a hoarse whisper. “But will he stay? Or will he eventually leave me?”
She tightens her hold before letting go. I lean back and look into her twinkling eyes.
“You’ll have to find out, Holly dearest. Spouses need to communicate.
I can only help you be more prepared to do so.
Watch his actions today and tomorrow. Watch how he pays attention to you and caters to you.
Watch what he says without words, and then talk to him.
I think that will answer the rest of your questions and put your worries to rest.”
I sigh and lean over, cuddling into her side. For the second time in two days, someone is braiding my hair.
This time, it’s the woman who has been more of a mother to me than my own.