Chapter 39
Serious Talks
Holly
The ceiling in the master bedroom is a plain white color. It’s textured, but has nothing else to distinguish itself.
I’ve been staring at it for an hour. I would know if there was anything interesting up there.
Mateo took pity on me after my panic attack and our subsequent kissing session, and brought me back to his house after our ride. It’s a good thing too because I’m exhausted.
Having feelings is exhausting.
But the problem is, I can’t sleep.
My mind runs marathons trying to understand why I couldn’t say I loved Mateo back, dodging all my thoughts and fears about the future—how I want to quit my job, and then reliving every amazing kiss between me and my husband.
Like wow.
If only reliving kisses could keep away the other thoughts. Unfortunately, my brain isn’t a ninja at dodging negative thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been training it for years, but it fails more often than it succeeds.
My phone rings, interrupting the marathon of overthinking and breaks through my analysis paralysis.
Rodney’s name flashes on the caller ID.
I’m hesitant to answer. Rodney has been there for me since the beginning of my career.
He’s helped me figure out the steps I needed to take to become successful.
Although he’s helped me get clients I’ve enjoyed working with, there’s this discontent when I think about him.
Maybe it’s time to find a new mentor, or someone else who can help me succeed.
He’s not my boss, but we’ve worked so closely together that he kind of feels like a boss to me.
How do you tell your mentor that you want to fire them? Can you even do that?
I mull over the way Rodney treated Mateo at the gala we went too.
The memory leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
I don’t want to associate with someone who treats my husband that way, and even if Rodney had drank too much that night and didn’t realize how rude and mean he was being, I won't put up with it.
My mind wrestles over whether or not to answer for another second before my inner people-pleaser wins, and I answer.
“Hello?”
“Good, you answered. I didn’t know if that backwards town you went to visit had cell reception or not.” Rodney’s dismissive tone grates on my nerves.
Okay, so no pleasantries. Very odd and not like him. “Um, yeah, they have good reception out here sometimes.”
“Good, good. Well, I’ve been keeping track of your fame with the press.
Things have died down after you and that farm boy released your wedding photos.
Now that men aren’t chasing after you, you can focus on getting more large-named clients.
I’m hosting a get together next week. You need to be there.
Do not bring that redneck with you. You only need to flash that wedding ring, not the man himself.
Having him hang on you will put off the potential male clients. ”
I am unbelievably offended right now. Did he just say what I think he said? “Rodney, what are you saying?”
Rodney scoffs. “I’m saying come to the party, but don’t bring your husband.”
I sit up, indignation giving me new life. “What if I want to bring him? I don’t like going to parties without him.”
“You don’t need him anymore now that you’re married. You just need to be technically off the market.”
Goosebumps race up my arms. “Rodney, this doesn’t feel right.”
“Well, do you want to do what feels right for you? Or what’s going to be right for your career?”
Nope. I am not thinking about this right now. I am not discussing this with the man who doesn’t appreciate my husband. “You know what, Rodney? I can’t talk to you right now. I need to figure some things out.”
“But Holly, we need to talk about—”
“No. No, we don’t need to talk about it. I’m literally on vacation. I am not thinking or talking about work right now.”
Rodney huffs. “It’s your career on the line.”
Good thing I don’t care about my career anymore. “Goodbye, Rodney.”
The line clicks, and I throw my phone into the pillow.
I rub my eyes and groan, even more conflicting emotions roiling inside of me.
Rodney has changed in the last year, and I’m glad I’m finally waking up to it. Because this is unacceptable. I didn’t expect him to have such low morals, and it’s giving me the creeps. I’m married to Mateo, and although I’m glad my name is out of the press, there is so much more at stake now.
Namely, my feelings and my happiness.
I slide off the bed and onto my knees, praying to the God I should have included in this scheme from the beginning. I take a deep breath and calm my troubled thoughts.
“God, please help me. Please help me to know what to do. I’m in love with Mateo, but I don’t feel good enough for him.
I’m starting to hate my job and am feeling unsettled whenever I talk to Rodney.
I’m so confused, and I know that I’m just barely learning about You, but I ask that You will help me.
Momma T said You love me, and I felt that earlier.
Please let me feel that again. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. ”
I stay on my knees, waiting.
Waiting for what, I’m not sure, but the longer I stay on my knees, the more it feels as if the weight on my shoulders lifts off. The tears I didn’t even realize were leaking from my eyes dry up and my mind slows. Warmth grows in my chest, the same kind I felt at Momma T’s house.
There’s no voice or miraculous revelation, and I’m okay with that.
Because He answered my prayer.
I crawl into bed and wrap myself in the flower quilt on top of the bed. My eyes close as I focus on the warmth, the feeling that is an answer in and of itself, as it lulls me to sleep.
I get dressed in a simple shift dress, one that feels understated and appropriate for church.
I walk out to the kitchen just as Mateo walks in.
He’s dressed in blue slacks and a white, short-sleeve button-up.
There’s a plate in his hand which he offers to me, and I pick a blueberry muffin from the assortment.
“Morning, mi amor. Mami made these. Figured you might like something for breakfast before we leave for church.”
I check my phone. It’s nine-forty, and Mateo said church starts at ten, which is in twenty minutes. “Thank you. I didn’t realize I had slept in so late.”
Mateo shrugs and places the plate on the counter. “No worries, we’ve got plenty of time, seeing as it takes about four minutes to get to church.”
He grabs a muffin of his own and takes a bite.
We stand in silence, and I awkwardly eat my muffin, unsure of what to say this morning, having felt like I used up all my feelings and words yesterday.
Mateo shoves the last bite in his mouth and chews in record time. “Ready to go?”
“Can I eat this in the truck?”
Mateo smiles. “Of course, and don’t worry about the crumbs. Nobody will notice.”
I walk out and Mateo holds open the door of his dad’s truck for me. He’s right: there’s a layer of dirt on the floor. My blueberry crumbs will blend right in.
Mateo hums along to the Christian station as he drives and I eat. When we pull into the parking lot, I take in the view. Pickup trucks with mud-stained wheels, old cars, and vehicles that have seen better days line the parking lot. There’s even a few ATVs, and one tractor in the lot.
I doubt I’d see a tractor at church in California.
We get out and I loop my arm through Mateo’s. Being next to him has me feeling warm inside, like I did at Momma T’s house and after my prayer.
But is it because I want my marriage to Mateo to be right, or is it because God says it’s right?
We sit at the end of the row his family is already occupying. Being nearest to the aisle means it’ll be easier to pay attention, but also make a clean escape if I need to. Who knows what’s going to trigger my next set of crazy emotions?
The service starts and I’m drawn into the speaker's words. Everything around me fades away as if I’m the only one here and what he says is for me.
Two lines of scripture stick out to me, and I pull open my phone to write them down.
"He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake."
"Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God."
It’s my answer. It’s what I prayed about. In two simple lines of scripture, I suddenly know that my prayer is answered, and that God heard me.
God knows me.
God loves me. Not because of what I can accomplish, but because I am His.
My worth is not determined by my job, my marriage, my parents, or anything. I am of great worth to God, no matter what.
Mateo’s arm wraps around me, and he hands me a handkerchief.
An honest-to-goodness handkerchief.
I dab at my eyes, mascara staining the white cloth, but I don’t even care.
I’ve never felt so light, so wonderful, so loved in my whole life, both by the man next to me and by God.
I’m ready.
I’m ready for what the future holds, because now, I know God is by my side.