Chapter 13
13
brADY
T he next day, my head feels so full that I can barely concentrate on my work. So little, in fact, that I keep dropping things, mixing things up, and charging for the wrong items.
There are two women swirling around in my head. Kira and Mallory. Maybe I should only be thinking about Kira, since she should clearly be the more important relationship right now, but Mallory keeps sneaking in, which I don't mind because I like her. Very much so.
After work, I drive to my apartment and ring the bell.
Mindy opens the door. She smiles at me.
Before I can say anything, she says to Kira: "You can watch TV in the bedroom."
"Hey, Kira," I say quickly, before she disappears with a questioning look.
I cross my arms over my chest and look at Mindy. Today I can't even understand why I was ever so in love with her.
"What's up?"
"The results are in."
She pulls her phone out of her pocket and shows me the website. I'm her father with 99.99 percent certainty. What, I already knew has now become absolute certainty. Joy shoots through my veins.
"I can't do this."
I look at Mindy, confused. "What can't you do?"
She throws her hands in the air, making a gesture that encompasses the entire apartment. "This."
"I don't understand..."
"I've taken care of Kira for eight years, taken on the responsibility, sacrificed so much for her."
"Okay." I still don't know what she's getting at.
"Gerald told me I can come back."
"Oh, but I thought you wanted me to build a relationship with Kira."
"He wants me back, not her."
Understanding slowly seeps through my brain, but I don't want to accept it. Can't believe she means what I think she means.
"What does that mean?"
"She's your daughter too!"
"Yes, of course she is. I already said I'd take responsibility."
"Exactly." She pokes my chest with her finger. "It's your turn now."
"That's what I want too," I say, confused.
She nods before going to the kitchen to get her suitcase.
"You're taking her away from me again?" I ask, horrified, my mind already racing through everything I can do. Because I don't want to lose Kira. No way.
She sighs. Puts on her jacket. "No, I'm leaving."
"And you're taking her with you?"
"No. Just me leaving."
For a moment I don't understand because it's so inconceivable. Then: "You're abandoning your child?"
Horror washes through me. No, it's even worse, though I can't think of another word. I'm nearly paralyzed because I'm so overwhelmed that my body isn't obeying me right now.
"She's your child too! And I've had her for eight years! Now it's my turn. Gerald wants me back, but not with her."
If I ever meet this Gerald, his face won't look the same afterward. I'll rearrange it and then I'll kill him. Or almost, at least.
I clench my fists because I feel so powerless. How can a man raise a child for eight years and then throw her away like garbage?
And how can Mindy do this? How can she choose her ass of a husband over her own child?
"Are you serious?" I manage to say.
She looks at me pleadingly. "Brady, I thought I'd come here and we'd be together again. Father, mother, child. But you don't want that. Instead, you want me to get a job, to lower my standard of living. And I just can't do that. Gerald can give me everything I want."
Feeling like I've been hit over the head, I can only manage: "You're abandoning your child?" Again. I hie to ask that again.
"It's not like I'm abandoning her in the woods. I'm leaving her with her father."
It seems like she's expecting absolution from me, but there is none. Absolutely none.
When I don't answer, she grabs her suitcase. "Goodbye. Take good care of her."
She walks toward the door.
"You're leaving, without saying goodbye to her?"
"It's better this way."
She opens the door and steps outside.
At that moment, Kira opens the bedroom door and runs after her mom. "Where are you going?"
"Go to your father," Mindy says quietly.
"Mom! Where are you going?"
Hearing her desperate voice breaks my heart.
Mindy sighs, walks back the few steps to her, looks at her without touching her. I haven't ever seen her touch her daughter, it occurs to me.
"You're staying with your father now."
"But why? Why don't you want me anymore?"
Tears swim in her voice.
"I need some time for myself now."
"But..."
Mindy puts her hands on her hips. "No, no buts. You'll do what I say. Go to your father!"
Then she turns around, grabs her suitcase, and walks straight to her BMW. She heaves the suitcase in. Kira runs after her, tries, to get into the car, but Mindy stops her.
I don't know what to do. This is pure overload. How can Mindy do this to her? I just can't comprehend it.
And then I hear a slap.
When I look at Kira, she's openly crying now and holding her cheek. Is she serious?
I run to Kira and pull her into my arms. She clings to me. I glare at Mindy, who looks a little remorseful, but just gets in anyway.
Stunned, I stand there with a crying child as she drives away. Just like that. As if she's not abandoning her own flesh and blood. This can't be serious. This can't be happening. I'll wake up any minute and it will have been just a dream. A nightmare, but not reality.
I have no idea what to do. Sure, I wanted to be her father, that's my responsibility. But not alone! What do I know about children? Basically nothing. Playing with Aoife and Róisín a few times doesn't make me a father. I thought I'd have the chance, to learn, that Mindy would show me what Kira needs and help me grow into my role.
But...
"Why did she leave?" asks the little girl clinging to me.
There are more important things than my current overwhelm, I realize. She is more important.
I crouch down so we're at the same level, put my hands on her face. "I'm sorry, little one. I don't know why she did that either."
"Doesn't she love me?"
"Of course she does. I'm sure of it."
"What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing's wrong with you. You're an amazing girl."
"Now I'm alone," she cries.
Her tears break my heart. In this moment, I swear to myself I'll do everything to prevent her from ever having to cry like this again.
"You're not alone. You have me. But I know, of course, that I'm basically a stranger to you. Why should you trust me when the other adults in your life have disappointed you? I promise you," I look seriously into her eyes, speaking slowly and emphatically so she understands that I mean exactly what I'm saying, "that you can always count on me. I won't go away. I won't leave you. You're my daughter, and it would be my great honor if I could be your dad."
I don't expect an answer; instead, I take her in my arms, pull her close before I stand up and lift her. She wraps her arms around my neck as I slowly bring us into my apartment. Into our apartment.
Fuck. What am I going to do now?
Are you even allowed to just pretend to be a father? And why has fate entrusted a child to me of all people? The boss of the universe really messed up this time.
I have no idea about children! What...?
And the same questions keep circling through my head. How could she do this? What should I do now? What must I do now?
I didn't want to call my mom because... well, because she's my mother. But now I realize that's exactly what I need and what Kira needs, which is why I grab my phone and text my mom.
Brady
Help! Come to my place immediately!
Okay, maybe that's very dramatic, but it's also a highly dramatic situation!
I sit on the couch, stroking Kira's back, not knowing what else to do with this crying girl. How can I help her? How can I ease her grief? I can't take it away from her. It must be very, very terrible to be abandoned by your mom after already learning that the father who raised you for eight years doesn't want you because you're not his biological child. Her whole world has collapsed in less than a week. How could she not be heartbroken? How could she not think she's completely alone?
But I... I'm a grown man and I'm capitulating in the face of this situation. I'm certainly not proud of that, definitely not, but I feel so incredibly helpless right now, like I've never felt in my adult life.
When the doorbell rings, I'm so relieved I could cry.
Kira won't let go of me, so I take her to the door and open it. There stand Mom and my brother Finn, looking at me with concern.
"What happened?" Mom asks, pushing her way into the apartment. "And who's this little one?"
Finn looks at me questioningly. I don't know why he's here. I hadn't requested him. Maybe my message should have been less dramatic, then Mom wouldn't have brought backup.
"This is Kira," I say.
"What's wrong with her?" Mom asks.
"Heartbreak."
She looks at me questioningly, obviously unable to extract the entire life story from a few words, which I find pretty unimpressive right now.
I sigh, try, to detach Kira from me, but she clings tight. "Kira is my daughter."
"Your what?" asks Finn.
"My daughter. Mindy is her mother."
"And you're sure about that?" he asks again.
Finn isn't exactly Mindy's biggest fan. To be honest, no one in my family is a fan of hers.
"Positive paternity test."
I look at Mom, who stands frozen before she starts moving. She puts a hand on Kira's back, strokes her gently.
"Hey, little one, I'm your Gran. And that rascal is Uncle Finn. What happened, sweetheart?"
Kira turns her head, looking at Mom. "My Grandma?" she asks quietly.
It occurs to me that she probably never had one before, since Mindy had no contact with her parents and her husband didn't have any either. So it's a new concept for her and obviously so fascinating that for a moment she forgets that her whole world has fallen apart.
Mom wipes away her tears. "What a pretty girl you are. I'm so happy I get to meet you."
Kira's grip loosens. "I never had a Grandma before."
"Now you have one. Well, to be honest, several, but you'll find that out soon. Finn," she turns to my brother, who also seems to have no idea what to do, "say hello to your niece."
Finn comes closer, looking at her with interest. "Hello, Kira."
"Hello," she whispers.
"Want some ice cream?" Mom obviously knows the kid code, because my daughter—my daughter!— nods, sliding down from my arm.
"Would you like to wash your face quickly?" Mom asks, to which she also nods.
Mom goes with her to the bathroom.
Finn looks at me, shaking his head. "Dude..."
"I know."
"Are you coming, Brady?" Kira asks hesitantly when she returns.
"Of course."
I hold out my hand to her, which she takes, making me feel like I've just been awarded a medal.
Mom smiles at me before opening the door and letting us out. Because she's a responsible adult, she takes the key with her, which I would have completely forgotten.
"How old are you?" she asks Kira as we stroll down the street.
Palo Alto's structure is similar to San Francisco or New York. There's no commercial downtown full of just fast-food restaurants, hardware stores, and car dealerships, but rather a nice area with small shops and restaurants. It's a pretty town to be honest. So we don't need to drive to an ice cream shop; we can simply walk two blocks. And there are actually sidewalks. I was very surprised when I was in Texas once and found that in some places they didn't exist.
"Eight. And you?"
Mom smiles. "Oh. I'm already old. Sixty-one."
"Wow."
Finn pats Mom's arm. "You've really held up well for that. You don't look a day over fifty-nine."
Mom swings at him, but he dodges, laughing. "You're such a brat, Finn O'Brien. You alone are responsible for all my gray hair." She looks at Kira. "Boys."
Kira nods seriously. "I know."
Finn and I grin at each other, because they're kind of right.
"What's your favorite ice cream flavor?" Finn asks her.
"Chocolate. And yours?"
"Lemon."
She makes a face. "Yuck."
Finn engages her in a conversation about ice cream, and eventually she lets go of my hand. I fall back a little, and Mom links her arm with mine.
"A daughter? That was sudden."
I rub my face. "Mindy showed up last week and sprung it on me. There really wasn't any doubt, just look at her! Still, we did a test. Well, her husband kicked her out when he found out she wasn't his child. Just now she told me that he would take her back, but only without the kid. So she left."
Mom stops abruptly. "She what?"
I look down at my mom. "She just left. She wanted me to support her financially, even be together again, but since I wanted to be Kira's father but not her sugar daddy, she'd go back to her husband who can provide the lifestyle she wants."
"Excuse me?" Her usually sweet face contorts with anger. Oh boy, you don't want to provoke a mama lion.
"I can't understand it either. Kira was crying and begging, but she just left."
"And now?"
"Well, now she's with me."
She looks at me. "And you want her with you?"
"Absolutely."
She strokes my cheek, pressing her palm against it. "You're a good man."
I place my hand on hers. "But a hopelessly overwhelmed father."
"We all are when we suddenly have a child."
"But normally you have nine months to prepare for it."
"Still doesn't help." She smiles. "I think it's very good that you're taking responsibility. I and all of us will support you with everything, but..."
"But?"
"You need to make a binding agreement with Mindy. How terrible would it be if she showed up again in a year and wanted her daughter back?"
I rub my neck. "Okay. I haven't thought about that yet."
"I know. That's not the most important thing right now, but you should talk to Cam. He can set some things in motion."
"Good idea."
"And you need a different apartment. She needs her own room. Plus, you need to enroll her in school, get her medical records, find her a pediatrician. You need to ask her what extracurricular activities she wants to do..."
"Oh God, Mom. I'm really overwhelmed."
"I'll help you. We need to organize her free time and her life."
"Fuck. I hadn't thought of that."
"Not that language. Especially not in front of my granddaughter." She smiles.
"You seem to have settled into your role as grandma pretty quickly."
She shrugs. "I've always wanted grandchildren. And now I have one. That makes me happy. But if we fully commit ourselves, we need to make sure Mindy can't rip our hearts out."
"I'll call Cam tonight."
"Good."
We walk on.
"She looks like you all did when you were little. A bit more like Finn. I need to dig out some photos. If she had short hair, she could be Finn."
"I think she looks like the missing link between Aoife and Róisín."
"Oh yes, that's true. The three could be sisters."
Finn and Kira are waiting for us in front of the store. As soon as I reach her, she takes my hand again, as if to make sure I'm not going to leave. But she doesn't need to worry about that. She's already wrapped her little fingers around my heart.
* * *
Mom and Finn spend the evening with us, and although Kira looks sad again and again, you can tell she enjoys having people who are so obviously fond of her. She practically absorbs the attention, and once again I wonder what her life must have been like until now.
Mindy didn't even touch her. At first I wondered if Kira didn't like it, but now I wonder if this child simply hasn't received enough love in the last eight years. I'm fully aware that this is going to change now. Dramatically. My family is absolutely crazy, but they're the most loving bunch you can imagine. They'll try to outdo each other in showing affection—I can already see it with Mom and Finn, who are both completely smitten with the little one.
When Kira eventually falls asleep on the couch, they say goodbye.
"So you're taking the next two days off?" Mom asks.
"Exactly. And next week she'll have to start at the new school."
"You'll take care of that tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"Good. If you need anything, call me right away. I'll come anytime."
"Thanks, Mom." I kiss her on the cheek.
"You can call me too, although I'm probably not as helpful as Mom," says Finn as he hugs me. "I'm proud of you."
"And a new apartment!" Mom adds.
"I know."
She smiles before hugging me.
I slowly close the door behind them, step up to the couch, look at my sleeping daughter and know that I'm lucky to have such a great family who will support me, and at the same time I'm so damn scared that I'll mess up. And I will mess up. That's for sure.
Sighing, I pick her up and carry her to my bedroom. I don't want to wake her, so I just cover her up. I watch her for a moment before going back to the living room.
I call Cam because Mom is right. How terrible would it be if Mindy simply changed her mind again and took her away? Okay, I could probably take legal steps in that case, since I have rights too, but it would be a fight, a back and forth that Kira would suffer from.
"Hey there," his always cheerful voice sounds after a few rings.
"Hey. I need your help."
"Always."
And then I tell him the whole story. Afterward, he's silent for so long that I check my phone to see if the call was interrupted.
"You have a daughter?"
"Yes."
"Wow. I mean, that's intense."
"I know."
Cam clears his throat. "Okay, so what do you want? For Kira to stay with you or for Mindy to take her back?"
"I'll never send her back there. I don't know if I can be a good father, but no mother just abandons her child like that. I'm definitely better than that."
"Good, so we need to establish a custody agreement. We could go for shared custody."
"But then I could still lose her someday if Mindy decides she wants to be a mother again, right?"
"We could stipulate that you have sole physical custody, then she could demand visitation rights, but Kira would otherwise stay with you. Or we try to get sole custody."
I scratch my head. "I'm really angry at Mindy right now, so I can't make a good decision. We need to do what's best for Kira."
"Okay, so from that standpoint, shared custody would probably be best. That way Mindy has the chance to still be a part of her life. But I could also gauge what Mindy wants."
"Thank you. Really. If at all possible, I don't want any contact with her because I'd probably strangle her."
"Alright. I'll handle it as much as possible, but you'll probably have to see her at some point."
"I hope once some time has passed, the murderous urges will stop."
He laughs. "Certainly. But wow. A daughter. That's so wild. When do I get to meet her?"
"I don't know if it's the best idea for her to meet everyone right away. It might overwhelm her."
"I threw Sam straight into the shark tank," he points out.
"Yeah, and that was a fantastic idea, if I remember correctly. Sam ended up crying and had to be rescued by Finn, and your sisters gave you the cold shoulder for days."
"Okay, that was a bad example. But Jenna... She was there for rugby."
"But Jenna is also a grown woman who can stand up for herself."
"Fine, so what are you telling me? That I'm not first-class family and therefore don't get to meet her right away?"
"You goof. Of course you can meet her."
"Okay, then I'm relieved."
"Thanks, man."
"Hey, the O'Briens against the rest of the world."
After we hang up, I'm so incredibly grateful that I don't have to go through this alone. It's only in times of crisis that you realize what you have in others.
Before I get comfortable on the couch, I call Orla to tell her about the new developments. She offers to go with me to the school visit the next day, and I'm so thankful I could cry.