Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Ella
Bad idea right? - Olivia Rodrigo
“ L eave. Seriously, Ella. I’ll fucking kick you out myself.”
Luke’s hard eyes clash with mine. I’m not going anywhere.
“I’m here with my friends. It’s mostly SFU people. Don’t tell me to leave.”
He’s still furious at me for initiating into the Silent Circle.
“Our house is ten minutes down the road. Go home,” he insists.
I feel like a child being told off. Like I did when we were in high school and he wouldn’t want me to be at his friends’ parties. More often than not, Chris would be the one to tell my brother nothing bad would happen to me and he’d keep an eye on me. And since he’s always been the voice of reason in their group, Luke would accept. Little did he know, Chris had a very specific way of taking care of me .
“I don’t want to go home,” I hiss. “I don’t want to see Mom.”
I haven’t spoken with my mom since the day of initiations. Ignoring her is easier than accepting what she made me do.
“She went to France with a “friend” to forget about this whole situation. I’m surprised you don’t know. You both seemed so close since you planned how to get initiated behind my back because you didn’t trust me to find a solution for us.”
“She came to me ,” I snap. “She didn’t go to you all beaten up, she didn’t order you to sacrifice yourself to fix this situation as if you were nothing but a disposable asset.” Disgust rolls over me. I had done my best not to think about my mom knowingly sending me to a place where she knew women suffered to the hands of cruel men. I didn’t want to acknowledge it. And Luke is forcing me to do that.
“My own mother threw me to the wolves, Luke. And instead of trying to make me feel better, my brother told me he was disappointed in me. As if I didn’t do this to protect our family in the first place. ”
His jaw clenches a few times, frustration pouring out of him, and he avoids my gaze for as long as he can. But just like he can only ignore the truth for so long, he ends up looking me in the eyes again.
“I’m so sorry, Els,” he rasps, something constricting his throat. “That Mom was so selfish, and that I was so cruel. I would have done anything to save you, and knowing that you two did this without my knowledge is an excuse I tell myself. You didn’t know, Luke. That’s why you couldn’t help. I’m your big brother, and I wasn’t able to protect you, but we both know it’s not because you initiated behind my back. It’s because I’m useless. You have no idea how much my heart breaks every day.”
He pulls at his blond hair, downing the drink he’s holding.
“I’m haunted by images of what they could be doing to you. I’m sick. I can’t take it.”
I blink tears away at the same time as I watch him swallow them. And I decide that we don’t both have to suffer from this. And there’s no way I won’t keep hurting, so why make him hurt too?
Lies will save my brother, and they flow past my lips easily.
“They don’t do anything to me, Luke. They didn’t, and I doubt they will.”
Painful flashes crash into my being like waves against a shore during a storm.
Reeves tearing my dress open.
“Do you think I don’t see the bruise at the corner of your mouth? I’m not stupid, Ella.”
Megan slapping me so hard I fall to the ground.
I smile at my brother.
“I got hit by a branch while I was initiating. They make you run through a maze. Annoying, but that’s it.” I shrug. “They make a big deal out of all of this, but it’s just an overrated membership club.”
Kneeling for Eugene Deuval. The sickening fear. Begging them to spare my family.
I see the hope brightening his eyes. He’s starting to believe me.
“Honestly, they talk about Aphrodites and all, but there are so many of us that no one is interested in me.”
The Aphrodite room. The ballgag. The restraints. The way my brother’s best friend used me like a whore and made me believe it wasn’t him.
I chuckle and shake my head. “They’re just old men with too much money and they’re all talk. This is dumb.” And seeing the way his shoulders relax, I conclude with the lie of all lies. “Plus, I’m allowed to say no. If anyone wants to spend time with me, I can refuse and that’s it. So, like I said. Nothing will happen to me.”
The human brain is fascinating. Even if our subconscious knows the truth, our conscious will latch onto anything to keep us at peace. Luke could ask why I’m so angry with our mom if I’m safe. He could think of all the information he has on the Circle. He could draw smarter conclusions than the bullshit I’m feeding him.
But instead, his eyebrows fall, he takes a step forward, and he puts a hand on my shoulder. “Is that true?”
I can carry the pain for the both of us.
“It’s true, Luke. I promise you.”
Not knowing how much longer I can pretend, I take his drink and down it.
“I’m going to go hang out with my friends now, if you don’t mind. And let lose a little, will you? You’re so boring when you’re stressed.”
I slam the glass of the shot I just took on the desk to forget the conversation I had with my brother at the beginning of the night. I’m so drunk I can barely see straight. I didn’t want to go to Chris’s party. But then we tried to go to the Xi Ep party, and the girls didn’t let me in. I got kicked out of my sorority, and when I got here my own brother tried to kick me out. So I decided to get drunk. Don’t-really-control-myself, stupid kind of state. I showed the game room to my best friends, and we decided to get absolutely wasted in here.
Henry, some post-grad I met tonight, keeps hitting on me, and I’m not stopping him. I’m having too much fun, and I just want to feel something for anyone else but Chris. And if that feeling is slight interest, low-dopamine kind of excitement…I guess that’ll do. So when he slaps my ass during a song, I bend over the desk and giggle, “Harder, Daddy!”
“Ella.”
Heart dropping, I straighten up like a rod. How the hell did Chris know we were here?
My drunken self seems to feel suicidal tonight, so I widen my eyes and look at the others.
“Uh oh, guys. The real daddy is here.”
He looks angry. Really angry. Going-to-punish-me angry. I know how to recognize it because he becomes calmer than usual. Quieter. That’s before the storm comes in.
The words just escaped, but I don’t think that’s what annoyed him. He was already fuming before I even opened my mouth. My head buzzes as I think of what he caught me doing. The kind of punishment he could inflict…
“Oh, shit.” Peach bursts out laughing as she appears from behind Chris. “I knew she called him daddy.”
“I don’t!” I fight back, cheeks heating from the way my best friend is calling me out.
“Ella,” Chris says again. “I’m taking you home. Let’s go.”
“What?” I laugh. “I’m not going with you. I’m having fun with my friends.”
Henry helps stabilize me when I do an exaggerated twirl. “See? I’m dancing. I’m not allowed to try to make it a career anymore, so this will have to do.”
His eyes are stuck on Henry’s arm around my waist, and I suddenly feel uncomfortable with him touching me. In my state, I almost admit out loud that what I feel uncomfortable about is that the person touching me isn’t Chris.
It’s easy to know I shouldn’t be with him, that we don’t stand a chance. But it’s harder to put it into place when his body calls out to mine. When his strong words order me to do something.
And why am I so hot? Oh, I know. Must be Chris’s presence.
“You’re looking gorgeous, Christopher,” I say through a giggle. “But watch yourself. Your possessive behavior is showing.”
A silence falls on us all as he takes a slow, calculated step toward Henry and me.
He’s incredibly composed when he talks to my new postgrad friend, his voice as even as always. “You’re going to stop touching her now.”
Henry’s arm falls off me so fast it’s ridiculous. I roll my eyes dramatically even as I can feel my body being pulled to Chris’s by an invisible string.
I know this pull. I know this string. It’s deep red, like passion. It’s electrifying to the touch, like love. And it’s as unbreakable as a diamond.
Chris puts his hands in the pockets of his pants, looking Henry up and down. He shakes his head, tutting him like he’s scolding a child, though I know for a fact they’re the exact same age.
“That’s not how you spank a woman, Henry. You won’t mind if I take her with me and show her exactly how it’s done, do you? ”
Before I can react, he’s got a hold of my wrist, gently pulling me toward him. I don’t even resist, but Henry is decent enough to try to defend me. He grabs my other wrist, stopping Chris in his movement toward the bedroom door, and I end up pulled at both sides.
“Uh…” I hesitate, the room now spinning. What the hell is happening?
“She’ll go if she wants to go. Right, Ella?” Henry asks.
I nod dumbly, but no words come out. Is it the alcohol making it so hard to talk?
I’m pretty sure there are real bullets shooting out of Chris’s eyes with the way Henry shrinks beside me. But he still doesn’t let go.
“Pew pew,” I whisper, wondering if one of those bullets will hit me. Then I burst out laughing.
“Is this guy even safe?” Henry calls out to the rest of the room. “Ella’s drunk.”
Peach looks at me with wide, questioning eyes, too drunk to react. She knows I’m not in immediate danger. She knows it’s just Chris. He would never hurt me.
“I—” I hesitate.
“Henry.” Achilles’s deep voice makes the room sound like it’s swallowing the music we were hearing a moment ago. Oh, wait. He turned it off. “Let go, man. She’s not yours to defend.” He nods toward Chris. “But she’s definitely his to take.”
Henry drops my arm like it’s a burning iron. That’s the effect men like Chris and Achilles have on people. They can be so fucking scary by doing so little. You don’t need for a wolf to howl to know you should fear it.
Achilles’s words register and my eyes snap to his.
“His to take?” I gasp as Chris pulls me away. “ His to take? I am not a friend you can just whore out, Achilles!” I scream in drunken anger, my words barely forming past my lips.
I don’t know what Achilles says. Only that Peach shouts at him to shut the fuck up and that he’s an asshole. I don’t hear the rest. Chris is already closing the door.
“Are you two on drugs? I’m not yours to take,” I hiss, stopping on the spot and forcing him to stop too.
He won’t drag me away like a caveman. He doesn’t want to hurt my wrist. He wouldn’t put me upside down over his shoulder because it might make me sick, and he wouldn’t hold me by the hair because that’s reserved for the bedroom.
I know how Chris thinks. He doesn’t want to damage me, doesn’t want to make me feel unsafe or embarrassed. He’s too protective over me, even when it comes to his own violence.
“Looks like we’re stuck, Mr. Murray, the wolf.” I wiggle my eyebrows. “Ah-ooooh.”
He runs a hand against his forehead. “Did you just howl at me?” With a huff, he releases my wrist. “We’re leaving.”
“To go to the wolf’s den,” I say as seriously as I can before laughing at my own hilarious joke.
“Ella. Don’t make this hard on yourself.”
I cross my arms over my chest, shaking my head until the world around me becomes blurry.
“You’re too drunk to function. This party isn’t safe for you anymore.”
I snort loudly. It’s anything but sexy. “That’s not why you want me to leave.”
“It’s not all of it, but it’s true,” he admits.
“Why, then? Why are you going to leave your own birthday party?” I tilt my chin up, pretending we’re both in positions of power when I know we’re nowhere near equals here.
“You know why.”
I shrug. “Talk to me like I’m an idiot. You love to do that.”
He smiles like I’m just some cute little girl having a tantrum, but I take a step back as he approaches. Not quickly enough. He puts a hand on my waist, drags me closer to him, and talks into my ear.
“You let another man spank you. Worse, you called him a name you know should only be used for me. Now, I’m going to take you home, take care of you, let you sober up, and when I deem you better, I will punish you for what you did.”
I can feel my nipples hardening against his body, and excitement zaps all the way to my lower stomach, a band tightening there. This isn’t good. It isn’t good at all.
But it feels like the best thing ever.
He pulls away slightly, looking down into my eyes and putting a strand of hair behind my ear. The corner of his mouth tips up. “It’s going to be brutal, and every minute you’re making me stay at this stupid birthday party is another minute of torture for you.”
Taking a full step back this time, he gives me space to walk toward the stairs.
It’s my decision whether we stay or leave. My decision if I want to spend the rest of the night having fun here with my friends. As long as I can bear the consequences.
I squirm on the spot for another minute, hesitating. I can’t go down this road with him. Not again. But how am I meant to resist him when he looks at me with that soft smile, with a glint in his eyes that calls out to the deepest parts of me .
I glance at the game room door that would lead me back to my friends, and then back at the stairs. The bass music from the first floor is so loud it makes the walls tremble.
Chris puts his right hand in his pocket, and brings the left up, looking at the expensive watch on his wrist.
“That’s two minutes already.” He shakes his head. “Who knew you’d become such a brat over the years.” The way he’s looking straight at me makes me realize how drunk I am. His form is blending with the hallway wall he’s leaning on. My hearing might be fuzzy, but I can hear my own voice talking so clearly in my head.
Don’t go with him, Ella. One step toward him and you’ll fall down the slippery slope.
“By brother–”
“Left.”
I lick my lips, and he doesn’t miss it.
“Sweets,” he says in his softened way, making sure he keeps the space between us. “Why don’t you stop thinking so hard and do exactly what you want?”
And that really gets me. Because what I really want is to fuck my ex.
When I take a wobbly, drunken step toward the stairs, avoiding looking in his eyes—avoiding looking at him entirely—we both know that I only have myself to blame for the mistake. Tomorrow, I’ll hurt from how stupid I am, for making the wrong decisions. Tonight? I’m just going to do exactly what I want.
He follows my steps. His hand on my lower back as we both walk down is so light I can barely feel it. For a second, I even wonder if I’m imagining it.
But when he leans toward my ear, I know I’m not making anything up.
“That’s my good girl,” he says with incomparable pride .
This is a mistake, isn’t it?
I don’t get to think about it too much. The second we walk outside, I’m hit with more proof of my intoxication. I put a hand out, desperate to hold on to something, as the street feels like it’s spinning.
Chris doesn’t miss it. He never does. He always knows when I need something, and he makes sure to be the one to provide it. It’s so dangerous. So addictive.
“Come here.” Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, he stabilizes me. “My car isn’t far.”
“ She was last seen being led out of a party by a postgrad two years her elder. I can already see the article they’ll write when they find my dead body.”
He chuckles next to me, and I lean closer to him, using him as a crutch. I’m unstable and push into him so hard I can feel his muscles contracting as he stops both of us from crashing to the ground.
“Why would they find a dead body? No one is planning on killing you.”
“No,” I mutter to myself. “You do so much worse.”
He hums in agreement. “Well, you did make me wait four minutes while perfectly aware a punishment awaited.”
Once we’re stopped by his car, he opens the passenger door for me and helps me in. “Let’s hope you can live with the consequences.”