Chapter 40
Chapter Forty
Ella
Born To Die - Lana Del Reay
“ I s your brother home?” he asks as he parks in front of my house in Stoneview.
I assume he drove me here rather than my college house because he wants to talk to him.
I nod. I haven’t been able to talk since we left the forest. I still can’t believe he went as far as framing me for murder. I’m not sure I want to wrap my mind around it.
“Let’s both go in. I’ll tell him the truth so he understands that you don’t have a choice. While I do that, you get some stuff to spend the night at mine. We can move the things from your SFU house another time.”
I nod again.
“Sweets.” His grip on my jaw is soft, but so possessive. He forces me to turn away from the window and to look at him. “Everything is going to be okay. You’re safe now.”
He kisses my forehead, not my mouth. As if he’s giving me time to adapt, even though he knows I’ve always been his. That there was a time I was willingly his. That I couldn’t get over him when we separated. That the second chance he’s offering us is what I’ve always dreamed of. Just…not like this.
I don’t say anything. I walk into the house before him, and I don’t know why he’s not right behind me, but I use the time wisely. Even though it breaks my heart.
I hurry to my dad’s office where I know Luke has been working hard trying to build back a different company with whatever contacts he still has. Something he can achieve without the money from our dad and without the Circle’s help.
“Els,” he exclaims, jumping from his seat. “Where the hell were you? I’ve been trying to call you. I thought—” His eyes widen when he realizes me covered in blood. “ What happened? Are you okay?”
“I’m okay. It’s a long story,” I say. I jog to him, opening the jacket of his suit and taking his phone from him. “Chris is here.”
“What? What are you doing?”
Unlocking his phone, I lift my finger to my mouth to tell him to keep quiet when I hear the front door open and close.
“Trust me,” I whisper. “Let him talk and let me go.”
I’m about to press the record button, but I look up into his eyes so he can see he needs to trust me.
I almost don’t do it. After all, the truth is that, deep down, I’m in love with Chris. If he had told my brother about us years ago, I would still be his. If he hadn’t been with Megan when he came back, I would have given us a chance. If I had had the semblance of a choice, I would have chosen him .
But his mistake was imposing his rules, his plan, his way.
And if love couldn’t stop him from destroying my life…why should it stop me from destroying his?
“Don’t kill him,” I whisper, taking in the mix of concern and rage taking over my brother’s features. “Give this to the Circle and let them do it.” And I press record before putting the phone back in his pocket.
There’s a knock on the office door, and Chris comes in.
“Go pack your things, Ella,” he says calmly.
I exchange a look with my brother, silently begging him to do as I say, and I run out of the room.
I pack a bag in only a few minutes, but I give them time before going down. My brother and I are on the same page, and he gives me a tight hug, slipping a “got it” in my ear before I leave with Chris.
The moment we’re at his house, a new anxiety takes over me.
“This is where you lived with Megan,” I croak.
The only house I’ve ever known him to live in is the one next to my family house. The one where he grew up. The one where we met when I was just a little girl coming over because Luke had been playing all day over there, and I wanted him home back with me. Chris always welcomed me in. He let me sit on the sofa while they played video games in the Murray’s game room.
Now I’m about to enter the house he shared not only with the woman he murdered, but the woman who I know abused him. Who was he with her behind closed doors?
“It was,” he confirms as he unlocks the door. “And we’ll move. I want something by the lake because you like it there. And with a dance studio. Don’t worry, I started looking already. I’ll find a place you deserve.”
Refusing to acknowledge the warmth it brings to my heart to know he remembers exactly where I want to live, I bring him back to reality.
“We wouldn’t want to have her ghost sharing the bed,” I say tartly.
“That.” He holds the door open, letting me in before him. “And I also don’t have the best memories here.”
That stupid string that links from my heart to his tugs, and I subconsciously take a step closer.
I want to ask what happened here exactly. Who was Megan when they were alone? How far did she go? Morbid curiosity and the desire to kiss him better anywhere she hurt him take over my spiraling thoughts.
You are here because he tried to pin a murder on you.
You are here because he left you no other choice.
My thoughts keep going back to that August phone call.
I wouldn’t go back to you if you were my last option on earth.
He will forever make me eat those words. I will never digest them. He stored them, destroyed my life, used them against me. Because I rejected him when all I ever wanted was to be his unconditionally.
I follow him to the stairs, him carrying my bag and me carrying my regrets, and he leads me to a bedroom with an ensuite. It’s not a grand mansion like we have in Stoneview, but his Silver Falls house is big and beautiful. Especially for a couple.
“Shower, Sweets. I’ll make you some food. You need to eat and rest. I texted Duval, but he wants to see you tomorrow morning. We’ll go to the temple so you can tell them your final decision.”
“They weren’t going to kill me, were they? When they threatened to remove me from the Circle.”
“No,” he admits as he walks to the ensuite. I follow and watch him turn on the shower. “But they will now if they think you killed Megan. Her dad will unleash them on you.”
“And you’ll let them?”
“Of course not. I’ll try to save you.” Content with the water temperature, he takes my coat off me, then pulls the gray cashmere sweater I’m wearing over my head. “But contrary to what most believe, I’m not invincible.” There goes my white shirt. “I’ll try to save you, and I’ll probably die with you.”
He does always look invincible. It’s probably what reassures most people he cares for. I know it’s always reassured me. But the truth is, he’s not, and he’s willing to sacrifice both of us to get what he wants.
Steam swirls around us, fogging most of the bathroom. He undoes my jeans, pushing them down my legs, and I’m left topless with just my panties on.
“Let’s just hope you can behave, and we can avoid death.”
He rids me of my panties, and I stand naked in front of him. He appreciates the view; I see it even through the steam, but he doesn’t touch me.
He touches the water instead, hissing at the heat. “You love your showers way too hot,” he chuckles.
When I walk in, it’s perfect. Because he knows me and how I take my shower. It’s annoying, but the burn is delicious.
“I’ll be downstairs. Take your time.”
I do. I need time to get the forest off me, the images of Megan, the blood, the dirt .
I need a minute to accept that this is my situation now, and that the only other possible outcome will hurt even more. If Luke manages…the pain will last forever.
I’m wearing a robe he left on the bed when I step into the kitchen. It’s a satin blue robe, almost see-through but not quite. He’s washing up whatever he used to cook, and the oven is on.
“I made vegetarian lasagna,” he tells me quietly. “Grab a mug from that cabinet. I’ve got that strawberry soda you like.”
It’s such a strange atmosphere between us. I don’t want to listen to anything he says, but at the same time, I’m here, and I’m not sure which things I have a choice in anymore.
“A mug?” I say as I open the cabinet. “Don’t you have glasses?” My question is answered the second I look inside.
One shelf is empty, the other has mugs. I throw him a questioning look as I grab one.
“She had a thing for throwing glasses at me,” he mutters, avoiding my gaze as he opens the oven to check if the meal is cooked. “Don’t ask me why it was always glasses.”
Pulling the dish out of the oven, he serves me a slice of lasagna before putting the plate on the table between the knife and fork that were already there.
I don’t like the feeling I get when he tells me these things. I don’t want to feel bad for him, and I don’t want to relate to him about abuse. My dad used to make me feel lower than low. The mental pain was unbearable, and I don’t want to imagine what he went through with her every day.
I simply nod, holding back the need to take him into my arms, and I give him the mug. He fills it with my favorite strawberry soda. The silence is eating me alive, and I want to insult him, fight him, do something .
I don’t, but he does. He slides his fingers against my cheek, past my hairline, into my hair, and gently pulls me toward him to kiss my forehead.
“Sit down and eat.”
He lets me go, but I stay exactly where I am.
“Is this how it’s going to be from now on? You order, I execute?”
He smiles knowingly. “Was it ever different?”
“It’s not something I love about you.”
“It is.”
The bouncing exchange is only cut short by my mouth dropping open.
“Is it not?” he insists. “You like the way I make you feel when I guide you because it feels like care to you. And it feels to me like I’m caring for you. If it works for us, why not?”
“Because…Chris,” I huff. “It’s not healthy .”
“I only care about what makes us feel good. Now sit down and eat.” The change from softness to a stern voice makes me grit my teeth. He notices right away and adds, “I know you have many questions about everything I’ve done since coming back, and I will answer them while you eat. I just want you to feed yourself so you don’t faint. It’s been quite the evening for you.”
Considering it a good deal, I sit down, take the fork, and shove burning hot lasagna in my mouth while he softly says, “Careful, it’s hot?—”
My eyes tear up, tongue burning, and he shakes his head, chuckling at my behavior.
I narrow my eyes at him, chewing through the scorching dish and swallow with a gulp.
He plays with his own mug, and I can smell the whiskey from here. No glasses in this household. Truly .
“I’ll answer anything you want,” he rasps.
My gaze bounces between his eyes. I bet the liquid in his mug matches the amber surrounding his pupils.
I burn myself through another mouthful before I push the word that stings more than the food.
“Juilliard.”
His eyes flutter shut, and he licks his lips. He puts the whiskey down to massage the back of his neck. “I thought you’d start with that.”
“Get to it, then,” I snap.
He nods to himself, takes a large gulp of his drink, and puts the glass back down.
“Christopher.”
“Your dad was going to marry you off.”
I feel my eyebrows lift so high I have to consciously force myself to lower them.
“My dad was not going to marry me?—”
“Harvey James.”
“That was Bakers Café CFO,” I say right away.
“Yes, before it all became a mess. He lives in New York. Your average middle-aged man who was dying to become part of the Circle. He just needed a wife. Your dad really wanted him in the Circle. A great advantage for him and his business. So he offered his daughter.” He takes another sip. “If you had gone to Juilliard, your dad was going to force you into marrying Harvey. The location was ideal, and he didn’t believe you could become a dancer, so he thought marriage was better. Believe me or not, it’s the truth. I wasn’t going to let that happen.”
My throat tightens, and I force more food down so I don’t have to answer anything. I chew, swallow, think carefully about my words.
“So it was a joint effort with my dad to ruin my dream. ”
“Ella—”
“All the men around me have only ever had one thing in mind. To control what I do and who I am. You’re just one among many others to have participated.”
He pinches his lips. “Is that what you think of me?”
“Did you have my best interests in mind?”
“Did you want to get married to Harvey?”
“I wanted to go to Juilliard ,” I bite out, my chest aching. “For fuck’s sake, do you not care?”
He keeps his cool, letting me simmer in my anger as he takes another sip. “Do you think Harvey James would have let you stay at Juilliard, Ella?”
I keep quiet since we both know the answer is no.
“You’d still be in the Circle, married young, with your life out of your control. But to someone other than me. And I…I would have to watch you suffer.”
“Poor you,” I snort. “Now at least you have to watch me suffer because of you.”
“You and I are meant to be, and you know it. Or I wouldn’t have taken the risks I took dating you through high school, you neither. Agree or disagree, I don’t care. I know it. I understand your frustration, but it won’t last. Down the line, your love for me will flourish again. It’s not extinguished. But please, tell me if I’m wrong.”
Again, I don’t want to lie, so I grit my teeth, giving up on food.
“Eat,” he says as soon as I drop my fork. “Ask me another question.”
“How long have you been Hermes?” The questions are burning my tongue, the food twisting my stomach. But I want to know it all.
“More or less since I came back. The post about you knowing about your dad’s parties was my first one. ”
My mouth drops open. “How could you?”
“The second I saw how important your reputation was, I had to go for it. How can I be your last option if you have something to turn back to? Plus, I had to be ruthless, or Duval would have never believed it was Megan. I hated doing it, Sweets. Please, believe me when I say that. But I had to attack you so he would think it’s her. It was my only plan to take her down. Make it look like she’s attacking a girl she hates so much that she would put the Circle at risk.”
“And you also had to put us against each other?”
“She did that very well on her own.” A small smile tips the corner of his mouth. “But I guess I did push it when I couldn’t keep my hands off you, my eyes off you, your name out of my mouth. It was too tempting to rile her up. And it did help.”
“I can’t eat any more,” I squeak. “I’ll be sick.”
“Okay,” he says softly. “Just leave it. But promise you’ll tell me if you’re hungry again.”
“I might never.” I take a sip of my soda. “Do you know who the real Hermes is? How did you hack into their account?”
“I don’t. And Jake got me in.”
Of course, he used his best friend who’s a computer genius.
“How respectful for my brother that his two best friends united against him.”
“Again, your brother only wants you to be happy. And I know I will make you happy.”
“So let me clarify. You broke up with me. You ruined my chances at getting into my dream school. You pretended to my mom and brother you would protect me from the Circle while secretly initiating me so you could use me and require my presence by your side whenever you wanted. You destroyed the life I built as SFU, stalked me. All the while scheming to get rid of Megan. But you think you can make me happy ?”
He takes in every single one of my words, nodding to himself as if checking I’m not forgetting anything rather than defending himself.
“I’m glad you’re not adding killing your dad to the list.”
I snort. “I’m stupid enough to believe you were protecting me from him.”
“I was.” And then it kicks in. His true reasoning. “Just like I was protecting you from Harvey James when I stopped you from going to Juilliard. From your mother’s desperate attempts to marry you into the Circle when I had you initiate. From Megan when I wasn’t telling you about my deal with her. From Maria Delgado when she tried to take away what you worked so hard for. From Reeves, from the stupid jobs who used you for your reputation.”
He shakes his head, catching his breath, and it barely gives me enough time to process his point of view.
“Was there a part of selfishness in those acts? Of course. I’m human. My heart beats in unison with yours, and I can’t help that. God, Ella…” He stands up, goes to walk away, then sits back down as if calming himself. “You said you didn’t want me even if I was your last option on earth. Do you have any idea what kind of damage that did? I had to make myself that last option and show you you’d choose me. I had to have you.”
“But you did all of this while lying to me ,” I rasp. “You pretended to my face that you cared, that you loved me. You begged me for a second chance while scheming behind my back.”
He’s panting, his eyes searching mine when he says, “I couldn’t leave that second chance to fate. That would be insane.”
And I can see he truly believes that.
“What is insane, Christopher, is that when all of this didn’t work, you pinned a fucking murder on me. ”
“I offered you to be my Hera. Why couldn’t you just take that?”
“Because it was forced .”
“Well, look at us now! You gave me no choice. I’m in love, for fuck’s sake. Can’t anyone fucking see that?”
The cursing is the only thing I need to know he’s about to lose all the patience he has left. So I stop trying to speak louder than him, and I keep my voice level when I say the last thing I have to say.
“Chris,” I murmur, holding back a groan. He’s infuriatingly delusional. “How do you expect me to be happy when you are forcing my hand? When you murdered your previous fiancée?”
His gaze darkens so quickly I pull back on instinct, and when his hand comes for my hair, he pushes his whiskey off the table by accident.
“Hate me for anything you want,” he growls. “But if you think I have an ounce of pity for Megan, you’re going to have to think again. You know nothing of what happened between her and me. But I can tell you if you want.”
“You’re hurting me,” I seethe through gritted teeth.
“You refuse to listen when I don’t handle you in a manner that feels familiar to you.”
“Fuck you!” I don’t know how I dare be offended by the truth.
“What do you want to know about what she did to me, huh? What will make you understand that she had it coming? You know she hurt my dad. You know she blackmailed me into staying with her. She hurt you, too. But you don’t even care about yourself, only I do. You care about me, though, right? You’ve always had this strange empathy for me. So here’s what you want to hear.”
He pulls me closer, looking right into my eyes. He knows me too well.
“She hit me, slapped me, threw every single fucking glass in this house at my face. She threw her phone at me that day you saw a bruise.” Something breaks in his eyes. And I break harder. “I lied to you, Ella. We did have sex before I came back to Stoneview. It was blackmail, but hey, who cares as long as she’d get what she wanted? And the first week I came back, we had sex once too.”
I try to move away, out of his grip, but shock renders me helpless. He pulls back, and this time he can’t look into my eyes. So he presses his lips against my ear instead.
“She drugged me, she didn’t put on a condom on me, and she fucked me while I wasn’t really there. When I finally remembered the next day, I had to shove the morning-after pill down her throat to make sure there was no risk of her bearing my child. And who knows how many times I didn’t remember.”
He nibbles my ear, sending goosebumps scattering along my arms. “Heard enough?”
“That’s rape,” I say on an exhale. And the worst thing is that I know this isn’t all of it.
He finally lets go, caressing the side of my head he just hurt. I blink away the tears from the hair pull and the broken part of him I felt talking to me.
He ignores the truth I just told him. He called it sex, but it wasn’t sex. It was rape.
“You’re done with your dinner, aren’t you?” he asks with a tenderness that had disappeared when he talked about Megan.
I nod. I can see it right here and now. He will never mention this again.
“Good. I’m going to take you upstairs now. And I’m going to fuck you until you remember I have your best interests in mind.”