Chapter Twenty-One
Poppy
(Six months later)
My lungs are on fire by the time I turn the corner.
Air scrapes down my throat in ragged pulls, each breath powerful but useless. My pulse hammers violently in my ears, drowning out everything except the frantic rhythm of my shoes hitting the pavement.
I don’t dare look back. Looking back is what gets you killed.
The deal went sideways so fast I barely processed it.
Wrong place, wrong timing, wrong people lingering too long.
Paranoia crept under my skin as I cut through side streets, my hoodie sticking to my back, fingers trembling as I shoved my hands deeper into my pockets, fitting around the vials and pills still lingering there.
It was supposed to be a quick job, one that would fetch the club a good profit just like Warden wanted. Only the deal didn’t happen. I saw the people watching me, the ones waiting for me to approach my target and finish the deal.
The guy sitting outside the coffee shop reading a newspaper upside down.
The lady walking her dog, that kept it sniffing at the same fire hydrant the second I turned the corner.
There were two men sitting in the alley way watching me, and another two on a park bench across the street.
All of them dressed in street clothes, but still out of place.
That’s why I had to keep moving.
I didn’t stop or even make eye contact. I walked straight past my target, who shifted nervously as I passed him, glancing towards the others as if he was waiting for further instruction.
I didn’t wait for them to react. I just kept moving, chanting in my head over and over again, “Don’t get caught.”
I ducked into the first alley, then broke into a sprint, just as the streetlights flickered on one by one, and the sun crept out of sight, washing everything in that dim orange glow that made the world feel strangely exposed
I was so consumed with fear that I didn’t even see her when I turned the corner, but the second I did, my body forgot how to function.
Amber.
My ex best friend.
Now she’s standing there awkwardly staring at me, ripped straight out of a life I no longer recognize.
Five years. Five years of silence. Five years of unanswered calls and messages that eventually turned into bitterness.
My chest tightens so hard, it almost hurts worse than my burning lungs still trying to recover after running.
A child clutches her hand… he’s the spitting image of Eddie.
It makes perfect sense now. The selfish bitch stayed away because she was hiding a child, too proud to come home and ask for help.
Of course she built something stable while I sprint down sidewalks doing whatever I can to not get arrested.
I stop just short of them, chest heaving, lungs fighting for air that refuses to work for me.
The last thing I want is for her to see me like this: poisoned from the inside out, bones showing because I barely eat anymore, my arms riddled with dots of addiction I don’t have the heart to cover up.
I can’t even remember the last time I got a good night’s sleep or felt like I could have one without keeping one eye open.
These past few years have been torturous.
I’ve done nothing but suffer and stew in my own pit of misery, allowing the man who was supposed to be my savior, break me and whittle me down to the mess I am today.
Her eyes widen as confusion flashes across her face and recognition storms her eyes.
“Amber.” The word leaves my mouth like it’s toxic. Years of resentment condensed into a single syllable. I can taste the sorrow instantly.
Her expression shifts.
“Pippa?”
The name slams into me like a fist to the ribs, the betrayal heavy. My initial shock fractures into something blisteringly ugly as my hands curl into fists inside my pockets and heat floods my chest.
She doesn’t even recognize me.
After all this time.
“You insensitive bitch! Seriously? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” A rage almost impossible to contain, erupts without warning. It isn’t just the name. It’s five years of being erased like I never even mattered to her.
She moves her kid behind her as she squares up, ready for a war she started.
“What, Pippa? Can’t handle seeing me after all this time?” she asks, smiling smugly. “Feeling a bit guilty are we?”
The audacity of everything that is happening makes my stomach twist.
She actually thinks I’m Pippa.
I study her for a second, doing whatever I can to blink this nightmare away, but it lingers, forcing me back to a reality I don’t want to be a part of. “You really think I’m her, don’t you? Have you been gone so long that you can’t even see the difference?”
Her face drains instantly of all color.
Good. Let her feel my fucking pain for once.
“Poppy?”
I roll my eyes, anger and hurt colliding violently in my chest.
“Ding. Ding. Ding. Damn, Amber. I thought you were dumb before, but for you to stand there and call me by her name. That’s just low. Even for you.”
Five years have passed between us, and she has the audacity to mistaken me for my dead sister. A death she had a part in.
“I’m sorry, I thought—”
“You thought I was her?”
She nods, guilt flickering in her eyes as something toxic coils in my chest.
“Well, news flash, bitch, I’m not. Sorry to disappoint you.”
“I’m not disappointed; I’m happy that it’s you and not her.
” Her voice is far too friendly. She sounds like she actually genuinely misses me, when we both know she hasn’t thought about me in years.
If she did, she would’ve called. Would’ve checked in.
Would’ve saved me from hurting myself like I have.
My laughter spills out of me like I’m some crazed maniac, barely able to grasp what’s happening right now. “You fucking shouldn’t be. I hate you just as much as she did.”
Amber’s brows scrunches in confusion. “Did?”
The grief slaps me hard, clawing at my insides with vicious intent.
“Yeah, bitch. My sister’s dead. But you would’ve known that if you had returned any of my calls, texts, or emails.”
Her eyes widen in horror.
“Dead? Pippa’s dead?”
I nod, nausea and rage mixing as one. “All because of you and that bastard ex of yours.”
“She died because of me?”
I hate everything about this moment. She doesn’t get to look at me that way.
Like I’ve just dropped a bomb on her that she’s actually sorry for.
She needs to hold on to her demons and taste them just like I have.
“God, Amber, could you be any more pathetic? My sister died because she couldn’t bear to live another day with the guilt of hurting you.
She died because she was so in love with your stupid ex fiancée that she chose to jump off Rattlesnake Mountain instead of facing her problems head on. ”
Even saying it out loud still feels unreal. Like it’s something you read in a newspaper, instead of it happening to your twin sister.
“I didn’t know… I didn’t—”
Tears instantly appear in my eyes, my emotions already clouding the rage.
She sounds somewhat sincere, like she’s actually sorry.
She doesn’t get to be sorry. Not for this.
Not for anything. “That’s because you didn’t care.
You’ve never cared about anyone but yourself.
It’s been that way since I met you. Eddie’s just as bad, if not worse.
The man used my sister and threw her away like discarded trash, then fucking dropped her when it mattered the most. He’s a cold-hearted asshole, and I hope he fucking dies a painful death. ”
Her son whimpers beside her, and for a faint second, I feel guilty, but then it dies. The pain has rotted away too much of me for any softness to survive. It’s about time she realizes what running away has done to everyone. To me especially.
“It’s okay, Gio, she doesn’t mean it.” She consoles him like a mother should, bending down to his level, making sure he’s okay before turning toward me.
“Poor kid. It must really suck to grow up with two shitty parents.” The words fly out of me, almost like it’s someone else saying them instead of me. They’re harsh and vicious, and she instantly snaps.
“What the fuck happened to you?”
Everything happened.
Life happened.
Loss happened.
Amber showing up in my life again happened.
What’s next? Is Wesley going to suddenly appear and save me from myself before it’s too late?
The thought slices through my mind unexpectedly, dragging that familiar ache through my chest. He was the only person who ever really looked at me like I was something worth saving.
That one is shoved down violently before it can linger any longer.
Not now. There’s too much going on now to think about him.
“I’ve just realized how fucked up life truly is.
I’ve grown up, Amber. I don’t look at the sky and see rainbows and sunshine, like I used to.
I see darkness and despair, embracing the decay of this cruel world and welcoming it with open arms. The Poppy you know died along with her sister, and now the only thing left is me.
Fucked up, full of addictions, and hoping that Death chooses me next. ”
“You don’t mean that.”
My body moves forward, only stopping when I can see her breath billowing into the cold night air. “Oh, but I do, and now that you’re home, I’ll be hoping for it even more.”
“Why?” she whispers, wiping another tear off her cheek. “Why would you want to die?”
“Because there’s nothing here for me anymore, Amber.
My sister’s gone. My parents hate me. And my best friend chose to abandon me for Italy and didn’t even recognize me when she returned.
Do you know how fucked up that is? For you to look at me and only see her face?
Well, that’s not gonna happen anymore. I won’t let it.
Get a look while you can, bitch, because the next time you see me, it’ll be in a coffin. ”
I shoulder past her, needing the distance before something inside me actually shatters.
She grabs my arm, stopping me mid step. The contact sends a violent jolt through my body; one I immediately reject.
“Poppy, wait! Don’t rush off like this.”
I slap her hand away, the hostility mixing with despair, the spiral creating a tornado I won’t be able to get out of if she doesn’t let me leave. “Don’t you dare fucking touch me.”
“I just don’t want you to do something stupid.”
Everything in me turns cold. My emotions turn off, my fears returning like they’ve only been simmering beneath the skin.
She reminds me of the girl I used to be, the girl I can’t return to even if I tried, and that scares the shit out of me.
“Go back to Italy, Amber. At least there are people there who actually give a fuck about you. Everybody here wishes you would fuck off and die.”
The words leave my mouth like daggers, even though truth is laced in every damn sentence. Then the tears form, every weak drop tumbling out of me before I can stop them. She has the same tears in her eyes, a mirror of the pain and loneliness we’ve both been feeling since growing apart.
For a second, I fracture, almost giving in to the idea that I could actually welcome her back into my life, realizing quickly that she’d never accept me the way I am.
A drug addict.
A whore.
A thief and dealer.
For five years I’ve rotted from the inside out, becoming hollow and empty, only letting in those more vile than me. The ones hell bent on corrupting me or breaking me completely.
If she knew who I really was, she’d hate me just as much as I hate myself.
“Just stay the fuck away from me, Amber. You’re not welcome in my life anymore.”
Then I’m gone, my feet moving from a slow stride to straight up running, holding onto the contents of my pockets with everything I have as everything inside me breaks.
She just had to come back…
What’s next?
Wesley riding in on a goddamn white horse?
I shudder at the thought, knowing damn well that seeing him again will only result in me losing my head even more. If seeing Amber dismantled me, seeing Wesley will cause a spiral I won’t be able to shake.
I actually thought I saw him the other day. A few weeks before this, sitting on a bike across the street from Moseley’s office, watching me walk down the same street I almost got busted on.
I could’ve sworn I heard the dude shout my name, but I wasn’t about to give in to that fever dream. If it was Wesley, there was no way in hell I was going to let him see me like this, so I ran, and he didn’t follow me.
My Wesley would’ve followed.