Chapter 17
LUCIAN
Ifollowed her and rounded the door to the hall when she whirled around, stepping into my space, pushing me back until I bumped against the wall—caging me.
“It means everything when you touch me,” she declared. “It’s not nothing. It’s trust. It’s comfort. It’s everything. It’s…us.”
She cracked, releasing a high-pitched, tinkling laugh that rode the edge of sanity. It mimicked the building sound that lingered in my head since I first decided to put space between us. Quieter than the alarms that alerted me to danger, but growing louder with each passing moment.
But I didn’t understand because I was safe. This was the right choice.
Still, her words plagued me.
Trust. Comfort.
Us.
I swallowed the lump clogging my throat and pushed on—pushed past the annoying, persistent hum. I couldn’t acknowledge every alarm, so I stuck with the ones that got me this far in life.
“It’s. Just. Spanking,” I confirmed, standing firm with my hands fisted in my pockets.
“I told you this from the beginning. I warned you that this kind of relationship could lead to a false connection that feels like more than it is. I warned you not to believe it because I would never be able to give that to you.”
“I know what you said.” She paced away before turning back. “But these last few months—”
“Haven’t changed anything. I meant what I said.”
“Yeah, well, you also said you wanted a real marriage—that you would never cheat.”
“And I’m not,” I objected. I rolled my eyes—anything to avoid the pain shining in hers. Safe. Safe. Safe. I scoffed. “It’s not like I’m offering to fuck someone. It’s just spa—”
“Stop saying that,” she screeched, snapping.
She raised her hands in frustration as if fighting the need to cover her ears and block out my words.
“It’s not just spanking. It may have started that way between us because you wanted to help calm me down, and we both enjoyed it, but it’s so much more than that now.
It’s been so much more for a while. I know you can feel it.
I know you can feel…” She swallowed and looked away, raking her fingers through her hair before returning a determined gaze to mine. “Lucian, I love you.”
Her words hit me like a direct punch to the face. As if I stood at the railing of a boat, and they’d knocked me over the edge into the water. I flipped ass over end, my organs rising and falling too fast to make sense as the undertow pulled me down too deep to get back for air.
Something in me ached to reach for her—to grab onto her words and let them pull me to the surface where I could breathe. I wanted…
Wanting to skip work to stay in her arms.
Losing a contract because my focus was on her.
Falling behind.
Being threatened with having my business ruined, and my first thought being that I would give up everything for her.
Vulnerable.
Weak.
Na?ve.
Giving over control.
Exposed.
Losing everything all over again.
Just like Daria.
Thought after thought slammed through my mind, sending me reeling, taking up every inch of space, leaving no room for anything else. No love. No guilt. No nothing.
I focused on my feet planted to the ground beneath me, anything to stop the spinning, and walled off the thrumming ache in my chest. “I told you, Aspen. I don’t do love.”
“I don’t…I don’t believe you.” She shook her head, tears pooling in her eyes, looking at me like she didn’t know who I was. “I think you’re just too damn scared to admit it.”
“Enough,” I barked, slashing my hand through the air.
I prowled forward, crowding her in my shadow.
I needed to regain ground from where she backed me against the wall—to escape the cage she tried to pin me in.
“My friend needs a demonstration, and I’m not breaking any rules of our agreement. So, I’m done with this.”
She stepped back, her head still shaking, sending tears cascading down her cheeks. “No,” she breathed.
“No, what?” I asked, the words sharp but barely eking past the choking tension clutching my throat.
“No.” She blinked quickly, swallowing hard, trying and failing to regain her composure. “You can’t do this.”
Telling me what I can and can’t do.
Using tears to get what she wants.
Me giving over control because I’m a good husband.
Just. Like. Daria.
Not this time.
“This right here is why I don’t do love,” I sneered, gesturing between us. “It makes women think that if they can somehow make me care about them, then they can control me and take advantage.”
She stepped forward, arms reaching. “That’s not wh—”
I stepped back and hit the wall—cornered all over again, scrambling for a way out, lunging for the first idea promising release.
“Prove it,” I grunted, leaning into her space.
The more she stared at me with those wide eyes, wet with tears and full of false hopes of a happily ever after I knew didn’t exist, the more my options faded.
The more I wanted to give in, the more I wanted to pull away, the more my panic grew.
I needed this to end. I needed it to. So, like any cornered animal, I went for the throat.
I softened my tone to the arrogant seduction that got me any woman I wanted.
“By all means, stay and watch. Maybe you’ll like it. ”
The color drained from her face, and she held my hard stare with a frantic one of her own. “Red,” she whispered.
I jerked back, her safe word striking a chord deep in the hollow cavern carved out by Daria. It blared, urging me to listen.
But I was too far gone. Too trapped.
“This isn’t a scene, Aspen,” I hissed, my words like ice.
“Lucian. Please,” she begged, more silvery tracks slipping free.
“Your tears may work on Daddy, princess, but not me.”
“Fuck you.” The words were hard, but small.
“I’d love to,” I purred, my lips quirking into a painful smile. “Once I’m done in there.”
“No. No.” She swiped away her tears, revealing eyes as hard as yellow garnet. “If you do this, then our agreement is off. We will be done.”
Being right wasn’t what it was always cracked up to be. It didn’t always hold the victory, and more often than not, it left you alone and empty.
Part of me had hoped she’d prove me wrong—a part I hadn’t known existed until she slid into the role I’d protected myself from—the role Daria created all those years ago.
“If you try to leave me with nothing, I will ruin you. I will tell everyone that you’re an abuser—that your father was an abuser. I have proof.”
Aspen’s words aligned too close to Daria’s, ringing in my head as if they were used to toll a bell. They vibrated through my bones and coiled around my muscles, pulling them into action.
The past and present blurred together as I leaned in and lowered my voice, darkness coating my words. “If you end this, then I will take your precious company from you. All of it.”
She huffed a brittle laugh, fixing me with a glare that was hollow but still unyielding—like she’d already lost and refused to admit it.. “Fine.”
One simple word, and then she was gone.
All her fight, gone.
I blinked, and she’d turned away.
I blinked again, and it was as if she hadn’t been there at all.
Except for the spicy vanilla scent, still lingering like a ghost.
Except for the single word, still ringing with finality.
Fine.
Fine, what?
Fine, she doesn’t care about the spanking?
Fine, we were over, and I could take her company?
Both sat uncomfortably, bulky in my mind. Both refused to settle correctly in my chest. Both…hurt.
“Fuck,” I breathed.
Focusing on my promise to Rose, I swiped a hand over my face and headed back to the room.
The soft music, the quiet hum of conversation, and the clinking glasses blended together, sounding more like a deafening cacophony of percussion instruments. All while a shrieking siren pierced the noisy fog, growing louder with each step closer to the stage.
I looked up, trying to focus on my goal—helping my friends, but found Emily’s seductive gaze with a temptress’s smile staring back. My breaths seized, and my steps faltered, as if each inch closer chained more weight to my feet.
By the time I reached Corbin at the stage, the alarm rattled so loud in my head that I couldn’t see straight. I thought back to the alarm that sent me running in the first place—a mere whisper compared to the vibrating clang against my skull.
“You okay?” Corbin asked.
My stomach churned.
Fuck.
I was going to vomit.
I had to get out of there.
“I-I can’t do this. I’m so sorry.” I barely heard myself over the chaos tearing my insides apart. “I can’t do this.”
“Hey, man. It’s okay,” he said, his voice full of concern and questions I couldn’t answer because I was already turning back, practically running away.
I made it to the dimly lit hallway and sucked down a lungful of air.
“You dumb fuck.”
The soft insult jerked my attention across the hall, finding Rose leaning against the wall, her arms crossed and face pulled into a disgusted scowl.
“Shit. Rose,” I said breathlessly. “I didn’t see yo—”
“Shut up, you fucking idiot.”
My head jerked back, her insult hitting me like a physical blow out of nowhere.
Corbin appeared behind me, saving me from figuring out how to respond. “Dude, are you okay?” he asked, looking around. “Where’s Aspen?”
“She’s gone,” Rose answered, her tone cold and condescending. “I had my driver meet her out back and take her wherever she needed to go.”
I cringed, imagining the state Rose found her in. It had to be bad if she offered Aspen an escape, and it caused Rose to look at me like I was less than the scum on her shoe. Taking in her anger, I had to assume she’d heard at least part of my argument with Aspen while Corbin remained inside.
“Why?” Corbin asked, oblivious.
“You’re both fucking idiots.” With a disgusted sigh and a roll of her eyes, she stood from the wall. “Come with me.”
We looked at each other before listening to the petite woman storming down the hall and followed.
“Rose,” Corbin said once we closed the door to the office. “What about your demonstration?”