Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Nine Years Old
Sometimes, I think I can breathe underwater.
Under the water, everything is calm. Little pieces of dirt and grass shuffle over the blue plastic of the pool. And it’s quiet. It’s so quiet, but also so full. I’m not alone down here. It’s me and the water and a feeling of a big hug.
The water vibrates, and there’s the sound of dull yelling.
Dad’s out here.
Even in the hug of the water, something tries to wiggle in my chest. It feels like someone’s squeezing me so tight it hurts. My heart races in my ears.
I know what happens when Dad’s mad.
There’s nothing I can do. I just watch the dirt move left and right, left and right. Focus on the deep nothing.
Suddenly, I’m grabbed from behind and yanked out of the water, out into the air. The freezing air.
I gasp in my first breath. It’s hard after breathing underwater. It hurts.
Dad’s newest girlfriend, Erin, is there, holding me up, looking terrified. “Breathe!”
I do, but not because I want to. Because, when I’m not under the water, everything is so real again.
“Oh fuck, he’s alive.” She looks…upset. But not the kind of upset that she gets when Dad won’t let her go get her ‘stuff’. This is different.
“Demon boy.” Dad’s voice is deep and angry. I see him stomping across the yard. In his hand is…something. It looks like a folder.
“What the fuck is this?” His words are coming from between his teeth, and spit flies out of his mouth. For a split second, I’m washed in freezing cold air. It prickles down my arms and legs, and I shiver in the water.
He throws the folder at Erin and comes at me.
His twisted, red face is all I see before his hands are on me, then he’s shoving me under the water.
I’m under again, but it’s not peaceful. There’s splashing and bubbles, and his hands are digging into my shoulders and head.
There’s yelling, but I can’t hear what he’s saying.
I just swim, trying to get away from him.
My heart pounds, and I try to breathe underwater like I was before. But I can’t. It doesn’t feel good this time. This time, my chest burns like someone lit a match and I swallowed it.
Still, Dad doesn’t let go.
There’s more shouting. My movements slow, and I try to force myself to be still. To find that calm numbness I had earlier.
Dad isn’t letting me breathe. I try to take a real breath and immediately choke. This isn’t the kind of breathing I was supposed to do. For a second, cold fear washes over me.
Finally, that warm peace starts to set in.
Dad’s going to kill me. But the water washes over the hurt and comforts it. Washes it away. Leaves me with nothing.
Quiet.
Then, that wet hug is ripped away. I think I’m out of the water because the cold is back. Screwing my eyes shut, I just curl up further into myself. If I stay in that underwater place, nothing can touch me. I can’t feel anything.
But something is fighting me. It starts with something that sounds like thud, thud, thud. Then I feel something against my back. Then that fire lights in my lungs again.
No. No, I don’t want to feel this.
The thudding continues, then my stomach twists, a drop of heat washes over me, and I know I’m going to throw up. Ripping my eyes open, I puke into the dirt.
Dirt?
I keep puking up water.
“You almost killed him!”
The yelling is loud. Why are they being so loud? And now my head hurts. It pounds, and my chest burns, and suddenly, I need to breathe.
“What is this?”
“I don’t fucking know!”
“What is this?”
I’m rolled over, and I blink up at the sky, trying to pull in breath after breath. At first, all I can register is the smell of cigarettes.
There’s more yelling, and it hurts my ears. Slowly, I realize Dad’s here as well as Erin. I also hear Nellie. Nellie is older than me and mean. But right now, she’s screaming at Dad. Dad just screams back, then waves a paper at me. “You trying to get the cops called on us, son?”
I stare at the sky. As I focus on the bright blue and only that, I realize I can make the pain in my body go away. Just the sky.
Then, paper is waved in my face. “Explain yourself!”
I blink, staring at it. It’s a drawing of what looks like a stick-figure kid lying down. The kid has Xs for eyes, and there’s a lot of red coming from between its legs. In the background, there are what look like two monsters, big and dark colored, with big teeth and huge shadows.
The drawing makes me scared for some reason. I move my eyes back to the sky. The sky kinda looks like water. Like deep water. I wonder what it would feel like to swim in it?
“I knew it!” There’s a sharp pain in my side, and I groan, curling up.
“Don’t kick him!” Erin is screaming. I peek out from behind my eyes and see her laying into Dad, a finger in his face.
“Why’s your name on this, boy?”
That’s not mine. “I didn’t,” I say, closing my eyes again. Behind my eyes looks like dark water. It feels kinda like swimming. Like I’m not in my body anymore. It’s the best feeling.
There’s a thud, then a cry. “You’re a goddamn liar!”
I didn’t draw that picture. I don’t want to look at it again. I want to keep floating away from my body.
“You fuck!” Nellie is screaming now. “Don’t hit her!”
The sound is so loud it hurts my ears. I peek my eyes open. Nellie is swinging on Dad, hair messy, screaming, “And don’t fucking drown your son!”
That’s it. It’s too much. I close my eyes again and totally float away.
I’m not sure how long I float. Sometimes the floating gets close to feeling things, but I’m able to stay in the nothing. It’s weird. Myself and nothing together in a lonely dance. In a safe dance.
At some point, the floating turns so spinny that I realize my body is moving. I peek my eyes open to see Nellie carrying me. She looks down at me with her blue eyes. Blue like her mom's, not like Dad’s. Then, I’m tired again.
When I come back to my body, Nellie is tucking me into bed. She has a big red spot around her eye. Like Mom used to get.
That makes a yucky feeling move in my stomach and chase the floating away.
“Shhh.” Nellie tucks me into warm blankets. “Take this.”
I open my eyes again to see her giving me a pill.
Immediately, that yucky feeling gets bigger. “No,” I say, but it hurts to talk.
“It’ll make it feel better,” Nellie says.
Better? I clear my throat. “Warm?”
“You have blankets.”
I want to be warm and far away again. Warm and surrounded by blue water. The same color as Nellie’s eyes.
“Take this. Before I do.” Nellie closes my hand around the pill, then hands me a pop can. It’s already open.
Nellie is usually bossy, not nice. But today she was. Today, she stood up to Dad.
My stomach sinks. I’m not sure what I know, but I do know this: Dad shouldn’t hit girls. No one should hit girls.
I know what this pill is. It’s Erin’s stuff. She takes these pills, and she always gets this floaty look on her face. Maybe it’ll help?
So I take it.
I close my eyes again, safe in the nothingness. Nothing can happen when I float. It’ll be safe. I’ll be safe. If I can just feel nothing, I’ll be safe. Because she helped me.