Chapter Twenty Three
Twenty Three
Let it not be said—ladies, gentlemen, let it never be said—that he gives up easily.
I love you goddammit Jenny, he says. And you loveme.
Nick, honey, sit down. You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep—
He stops in front of her.
He falls to his knees.
I’m your happiness, he says. You wrote books about your love for me! Don’t you still love me? Can’t you? Jenny? Can’t you give me this one thing? Please?
He’s breaking her heart.
I need you to love me, he says. I need you to feel it, and say it. Start again. Love me again. Don’t look at me like that, goddammit, don’t…I don’t want to calm down, I…
He has jumped up again, he’s pacing, clutching his head, shaking it as he clutches.
I wouldn’t leave, he says. I wouldn’t leave! I stayed in this room. I left England, but I stayed here. You left the porch. I didn’t follow you. I have always made the wrong move, staying, going, always the wrong…
He sits down abruptly. Stares at nothing.
I am a stupid man, he says.
I am a stupid, stupid man.
She sits beside him. Leans into him.
Listen, she says.
But he can’t, not yet. He grabs her hands.
I must love you, he says. I don’t enjoy being with anyone as much as you. You’re my happiness too, I just didn’t see it, I didn’t…this is where I’ve been alive for the past six years, this room, this…I knew it was six, Jenny, I always knew, I’m sorry, I…
He covers his face with his hands. I couldn’t live!
They’re both crying now.
I’m in love with you, he says. I’m so tremendously in love with you right now.
Nick, listen.
Jenny, please. Just say it back. I don’t care if you mean it, if you’re lying, I need to hear it. Don’t look at me like that, don’t…you’ve lied to me for years and you won’t tell one more fucking lie to helpme?
She places her hands on his shoulders and kisses him. Softly. Lingering there. She’s always loved to kiss him.
It’s only a word, Nick. Let’s just feel, okay? What we have right now has to be good enough, because it’s all we have. And it’s good, isn’t it? Whatever we call it? It’s been so good. And it can be good for a little while longer, if you—
I’m so sorry, he whispers. Jenny, I’m sorry. I should have seen it, I should have—
Never mind, she says. Be with me now. You be you, and I’ll be me, and we’ll both just…feel what we feel. Right here. Together. Okay?