Chapter Three
Millie
The trees sway with the wind, their long green branches practically touch the ground. I hear giggles in the distance, close enough to know I need to stay really still and quiet so she doesn’t catch me.
She giggles again, this time the sound is much closer. I crouch down behind the tree trunk, making myself as small as possible but it’s no use. Her scream is giddy and smug as she throws herself on top of me.
I can’t stop the bubble of laughter that comes up my throat. “Okay, okay, you found me.”
“Of course, I did because I’m the best ever at this game! And you choose the same hiding spots.”
“I do not!” I argue but she may have a point. Under the willow tree is my favorite because all the limbs look so pretty with the sunlight.
“You do too! But that’s okay because it means I always win.”
Her snicker doesn’t even bother me because hide and seek is her favorite game. I would rather be reading under this tree, maybe that’s why I always pick it.
We both lie down in the tall but thin grass that’s managed to grow under the shade of the big willowy tree.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I crinkle my nose because she always comes up with the most random questions but I always answer her, no matter how weird. “A hairdresser.”
“Really?” She acts surprised but she’s been my best friend my whole life and she’s already asked this question a million times. I always give her the same answer and she always acts surprised.
“Really, Anna Louise.”
Her hmmm is quiet and thoughtful. “Well, I want to be famous.”
I smile because this is also not new. My best friend has a predilection for the spotlight, always wanting attention of any kind.
My momma says Anna needs to be more careful. That not all attention is good. I don’t know what she means by that exactly, but Anna says we shouldn’t worry too much about that.
“Come on, Lucy! Let’s go see if the Murres momma bird had her babies!” She stands up and tugs on my arm, but I resist.
“Momma said we shouldn’t get that close to the cliff. That it’s dangerous.”
Anna’s shoulders drop in disappointment. “We have to know! You telling me you’re not curious?”
“I didn’t say that.”
Anna’s mouth curves into an encouraging smile. “I promise we won’t get too close.”
“That’s what you said last time.”
“I bet you the babies have already hatched. If we don’t go today we chance missing them all together. You don’t want to miss them do you?”
She knows I don’t. I love watching the momma bird and six little hatchlings as much as she does but I also know how upset my momma got last time we went out there by ourselves.
Anna pokes her bottom lip out, begging. “Pretty please, Lucy. Just this one time?”
I know better than to agree because it won’t just be this one time but my curiosity outweighs the threat of a spanking when I get home. “Okay, but you have to promise this is the last time.”
Anna squeals and says, “I promise!”
We both know she’s going to break that promise but that’s a problem for another day. Anna yanks me up off the ground and we’re both running for the end of the clearing and the side of cliff to hopefully catch a glance of Momma Murres and her six little babies.
My eyes pop open, the remnants of the dream are coursing through my veins. The joy, the mischievousness of the whole scene, the connection with the two girls. All of it was so heartwarming and so real feeling.
I scour my memories, trying to place the serene setting but I’m pretty sure I’ve never been to a place like that with the towering willow tree, next to a cliff side that lead right down to the ocean.
And I’ve never met a person named Anna Louise, even though my affection for her felt so dang real in the dream.
I smile because I would have loved a friend like Anna when I was younger, someone so carefree and full of life but between hospital stays and being homeschooled I didn’t have many friends. Well, really none at all.
I sigh as I throw the covers off and sit up on the side of the bed. No sense in dwelling on what could have been. Plus, there’s always time to make those friends.
I think about that handsome and kind stranger I met just yesterday. Maybe he can be my new friend. I hold on to that thought as I shower and get ready for the day.
“I would love to see this place you’ve been working at,” Dad says as he dunks his tea bag into the scalding hot water in his favorite mug. The same mug he uses every evening to make his favorite tea.
It’s a mug with my face plastered on the side of it, except it’s the five-year-old version of me. I have a front tooth missing and it’s the year my mom decided I should try bangs, but she underestimated the bounce of my curls and cut them too short.
The dang mug is literally a poster child of haircuts gone wrong. For some reason, my dad says it’s endearing though and refuses to throw it in the trash or at the very least shove it in the back of the cabinet where it could collect dust like a good little ugly mug should.
“I know, but I kind of like having this one little thing to myself, you know?” I’m not worried about hurting his feelings. Same with Mom. We’ve always had a relationship where we could tell each other anything. It became almost vital with the heaviness we’ve all had to endure over the years.
Daniel and Allison St. James are hard cookies to crack because when you’ve faced the death of your daughter over and over again, it’s either that or crumble from the weight of it all.
I’m not saying it’s the most healthy trait that any one of us possesses, but it was born out of necessity. Plus, he understands the importance of having something just for yourself. That has been another means of survival for all of us over the years.
Mom struggles the most with that one. She has a hard time letting go and doing something that’s just for her. I get it though, I’m not sure if I could either if I was in her shoes, but I know she knows how important it is too.
That’s why when I said I wanted to do this, they were supportive, even though they were nervous for me. Physically, I’ve never been able to do something like this, not counting the fact that I’ve never spent hours on end away from home.
“I know, but you’re my little girl. I still get to worry, you know. Even with your newfound independence.”
I snort, “I’m nineteen, a far cry from that toothless little girl on your mug.”
He smiles and turns the mug around so he can look at it, then he looks at me. “No, I guess you aren’t. More like nineteen going on forty if those pajamas have any say.”
My jaw falls open in shock as I look down at my very comfortable gray two-piece set. “What’s wrong with my pajamas?”
The top has buttons and a collar, and the bottoms are wide-legged pants.
“Nothing, but I’m pretty sure I saw your mother in a pair just like them last week.” He casually takes a sip of his tea like he didn’t just throw out the ultimate burn. What nineteen-year-old girl wants to dress like their mother?
I laugh when I realize he has a point because I think he’s right about Mom having a matching set. “Okay, I might have to concede on that one. In my defense though, they’re super comfortable and no one’s going to see me in them besides you and Mom. Plus, it was a gift from Mom.”
He laughs as his eyebrows shoot up his forehead. “Ah, I see.”
I look down at them again and back up. “See what?”
He only shakes his head and laughs again.
“What’s so funny in here?”
I turn to see Mom coming down the hallway in, what do you know, the matching set of freaking pajamas. I have to laugh at how ridiculously cute the two of us look.
“Just admiring your choice of nightwear, my dear,” Dad smirks like he knows something the two of us don’t.
Mom comes over and eyes me up and down. “I thought they would be cute on her, and they’re super comfy, aren’t they?”
I nod because I can’t disagree there. “What do you see?” I ask again when he doesn’t answer.
“I can only make one assumption as to why she bought you those.”
Mom cocks an eyebrow and places her hand on her hip. “You have me curious now. Why did I buy them, Mr. Know-It-All?”
"I'm not saying anything. I like your PJs, Millie." He looks over at the clock and hums before finishing his tea and placing the mug into the sink. He walks over and kisses Mom on the forehead then he heads for me.
"Tell me what it means," I demand.
He leans down and quickly kisses me before saying, "Ask your mother. Night, pumpkin."
"Daniel St. James!" she scolds but my father doesn't seem fazed in the least as he chuckles all the way to their room.
My chin juts out and my eyes go wide. "What was that?"
Mom sighs as she grabs a washcloth to wipe down the kitchen island. "Just your father being annoying. Don't worry about it."
I sigh as I look down. I really do look like someone twice my age. I don't know how to dress like someone my age. I missed out on all the shopping trips with girlfriends or buying all the new hip clothes for each school year.
I have been homeschooled my entire life. It was too risky to let me be around a bunch of germ-infested kids. With my numerous hospital stays there would be no way for me to keep up. My parents made the very early and difficult decision to homeschool.
They wanted me to have as normal a childhood as I could but some things just weren't worth the risk and attending public school was one of them.
All that adds up to is me not really knowing what's cool and what's not. I've had very few opportunities to be around my peers. "Maybe I should look up what a nineteen-year-old wears to bed," I murmur mostly to myself.
Mom throws the towel down on the counter. "No you can't, cause then your father would be right."
"What is going on here? Right about what?" I push because I'm really freaking confused and my parents talking in riddles doesn't help.
Mom puckers her lips like she doesn't want to answer me, but she finally does. "Your father thinks I bought the pajamas on purpose, to make you look older than you are."
I raise one eyebrow in surprise. "Did you?"
She goes back to wiping the counter. "Maybe," she mumbles.
I lean forward and catch her hand to stop the motion. "Seriously?" I ask with a laugh. "Why in the world would you do that? I'm not mad, I'm more entertained than anything because I don't understand the play here."
"Just seemed like you needed a safe option, if you know?" she gestures outwardly with her hands like I should know what that means but I have no idea what she's talking about.
"Safe option?"
She nods, "You know, if you find yourself with a boy."
"A boy?" I deadpan.
"You're going to make me say it, aren't you?"
I smile, eating up just how damn uncomfortable my mom is right now. What did she think? That I was going to get a new heart and then go jump right into bed with a guy? I thought she knew me better than that. "Every last word."
She sighs as she throws the rag down once again.
"Okay fine. I thought, maybe you would have the inclination to maybe go out with a guy and if one thing led to another I wanted you to have a safe option to wear to bed if you wanted to you know, maybe put the brakes on something.
" Her cheeks turn bright red as she fidgets with the towel, waiting for me to say something.
I stare at her in astonishment. It isn't long before I can't contain it anymore, my laugh engulfs the kitchen, it's full and unfiltered.
I even have little tears that start to leak out, accompanied by a little hiccup as I watch my mother crunch up her nose.
Her lips pucker like she's trying to hold in a laugh of her own, but she finally breaks and joins me.
"You bought me cock-blocking PJs?" I ask in between giant gulps of air. I think I may pee my pants.
"Millie!" she scolds but it isn't long before she's in another fit of laughter with me.
"What? Wasn't that the intention?"
"You don't have to say it like that!"
Her response elicits another round of giggles. It feels so dang good to laugh like this.
"It isn't a crazy thought! As much as your father and I would like for you to stay our little sweet, toothless five-year-old, we aren't oblivious to reality."
My laughter finally slows as I work to get control of my breathing. Wow, that was a good one. My chest even hurts from jostling it so much.
"You can rest easy. There's no boy right now." But my mind immediately goes to Rowan, the mysterious and handsome guy that I met just yesterday. There was something about him that I was drawn to. Maybe it was how handsome he was, or maybe it was the carefree smile that still seemed sad.
Whatever it was, I know that I enjoyed talking to him even if it wasn't until later that I realized just how freaking dorky I came across. I mean, who freaking admits they lost the bingo cards to an over-sixty bingo club and then Vanna White's in front of a stranger?
That would be me. I almost groan out loud, but I manage to hold it in.
"You haven't met anyone? I didn't figure there would be a ton of guys your age at the site, but I thought maybe there would be one or two," Mom probes.
I shrug, "Maybe, I don't know. There is this one guy, but I probably came off as a weirdo and he'll never want to talk to me again."
"Yeah, but you're a cute little weirdo."
"Mom! You aren't supposed to agree with me!" I answer playfully.
She places her elbows on the kitchen island and folds her hands over each other. She leans down and places her chin on top of her folded hands and bats her eyelashes. "Tell me everything."
She doesn't have to pry. I spend the rest of the evening telling her all about Rowan and how cute I think he is. She ohhhhs and ahhhhs in all the right places and doesn't make me feel too bad about my Vanna White moments.
It's one of the best nights I've ever had, and I don't regret having boy talk with my mom for one moment.
These are the types of conversations that, for a long time, I thought I would never get to have.
And I'll never take them for granted.