9. Mistake
Chapter nine
Mistake
T he music was pumping, vibrating the bed as Luerna sat in her room with closed doors. At some point, the dancing and the stripping became a lot more touching than she was ready for. When they brought Kira into their circle, Luerna took that as a sign to get the hell out of there before they mistook her for a willing participant in an orgy. But that left her here, unoccupied, with sexual thoughts floating in her head. She kept walking up to the phone. And after the eighth time, she picked up. “Is Mr. Harold available?”
After they said he’d be up in a minute, Luerna paced the room in wait. It was a dangerous game she was playing. Even thinking of doing something with another man was terrifying. If Rurik ever found out, she’d never be allowed out of the house again. She’d be a prisoner in her own home.
That’s if Levka even likes me anymore.
Why would he even like her in the first place? He was ten years younger than her, surely he was around attractive, younger women all the time. Why would he choose a used-up, four-kids-deep, mentally screwed woman like her?
He wouldn’t. Whatever Kira thought she heard had to be wrong.
A knock on the wall beside her bed sounded. At first, she wasn’t sure, and then it began to move. Levka stuck his head in.
She gaped at him. “Why couldn’t you tell me this was here?”
“No strippers?”
“They are currently making love to my sister.”
Levka winced. “All of them?”
She giggled. “She’s gonna be sore in the morning.”
“I’ll send up breakfast with some pain relievers.” Levka stepped in, closing the wall but staying beside it as he slipped his hands into his pockets. “The front desk said you asked for me.”
Levka prepared himself for another pathetic plea to escape. Didn’t she understand that if he could give her the freaking sun, he would? But there were things he couldn’t do, and risking her safety was one of them.
Seeing her fully dressed eased a terrible ache in his stomach. For the last hour, all he could think about were the hookers he sent to her room. Thinking back on it, he couldn’t believe he did such a thing, but it aligned with how he’d do anything for her. If fucking a stranger was something she wanted to do, then he’d set it up. Even as it destroyed him from the inside out.
Luerna sat in a chair, curling her leg into her chest and staring at him. The single side light cast him in a shadow that illuminated every muscle beneath his white dress shirt. The few buttons at the top were undone, exposing the barest of his pectoral and the familiar tattoo that snuck through. She allowed herself to acknowledge that he was gorgeous, and it no longer felt wrong. Being ten years older than him now when he was twenty-two didn’t bother her as much as it had.
“My sister told me what you did. About the rape.”
Levka clenched his teeth, hoping there was nothing more to add.
“And why.”
Those words were a punch to the gut, and Levka leaned back against the wall. He stared at the floor. She knew he was in love with her. He felt exposed like all his intestines were spewing from his gut, landing at her feet.
But it was a relief. Levka closed his eyes and breathed out. He was empty now, a cracked egg without a yoke. And surprisingly, he loved the feeling. It was a secret he kept for too long.
Levka didn’t want it to matter. He ‘was’ in love with her, meaning he had no feelings for her now. But that wasn’t true, was it? How had it lasted all this time? He had gone through hell. He changed and grew in ways that he sometimes didn’t recognize himself.
And now, after all that time, here he was, still completely in love with her.
Levka lifted his gaze, unsure if she could see it. She was watching him. The dim light kept most of her emotions in the dark, but her eyes were bright like a blue spotlight, and he knew, even from miles away, she would be able to see it.
Luerna stood up.
She reached behind her and pulled at the zipper on the back of her jumper. He could hear it from here as it slid down. He swallowed harshly, keeping his eyes pinned on hers, wishing she would say more and expose more than she had. Was she really coming on to him? He didn’t want to misconstrue her movements, but he felt powerless, caught in a spider’s web.
Perhaps that’s how she liked it–complete and utter control.
Luerna pushed the sleeves off her shoulders, and the outfit pooled at her feet, exposing her body. She wore only a thin blue thong and heels. Luerna waited for him to look her over, but he didn’t. Levka was searching her face for answers. Why was she doing this? What did she want?
This wasn’t like her at all. Something else must be wrong.
Luerna stepped out of her clothes and moved toward him. He straightened up, his hands still in his pockets, his body stiff and guarded.
“Luerna,” he murmured, shaking his head. He wanted to talk her out of this. She didn’t know him. She had no feelings for him, and yet here she was trying to sleep with him. Luerna couldn’t possibly understand the danger she was putting them in just by him being in her room.
Had she thought any further than just sleeping together? She could destroy all the progress he’s made. He couldn’t go back to being a beggar on the street. He couldn’t risk his father’s welfare anymore. Not only that, but Luerna had a family to tend to. Levka would never be a part of that. Could he live as a sidepiece? Or was this just a one-time fling, something to get out of her system? Could his pride handle that? Could he let her go after finally having her?
Luerna put her hands on his shoulders, leaning her body into him, pressing her breasts against his chest.
It broke him.
Levka kissed her with hunger, a hand on the back of her neck to push her against him, to keep her there as they twisted their lips together. She felt like silk and tasted like peaches. She molded against him, her hands sliding down his arms and around his back, clenching his shirt. She had never kissed a man with such a thirst. It was intoxicating and flooded her chest with excitement. It was such a new feeling; if she wasn’t quite sure it was him causing it, she would have feared it was a heart attack. His other hand drifted down her back and squeezed her ass cheek, pushing her harder against him, letting her feel his dick straining against his pants. Desire sparked like a torch. When he left her lips to kiss along her jaw, she was breathless, weightless, a ragdoll in his arms. She wanted him to devour her like his gaze had promised years ago.
His hasty kiss stalled over her collarbone. She knew he noticed the bruise. And perhaps seeing the second one against her ribs. She didn’t move, waiting for him to forget about it, to move on and ignore it.
Instead, his lips touched it with a gentleness that spurred instant tears. Luerna clenched her teeth and squeezed her eyes to stop the emotion that sprung forth like a terrible troll hiding under a bridge. She didn’t want to deal with it now. Luerna cupped his face and forced his lips back to hers. But it was slower, not as crazy. It was gentle and sweet. She tried to encourage him by kissing with more tongue, but he blocked her, keeping his mouth shut as he continued his delicate touches.
Luerna shoved away from him, a hand wiping the wetness from her mouth. “What is wrong with you?”
Levka slipped his hands back into his pockets, saying nothing while a wave of disappointment drowned him.
“You ever just fuck before?” she growled. “Don’t tell me you’re a virgin.”
Levka sneered. “If you just wanted to fuck, you could have gone with the strippers in the next room.” He turned for the door. “Go back to your asshole husband. Don’t give him a reason to hurt you.”
“Don’t you act like you know shit about my marriage!” She stepped back into her outfit, picking at the strings and pulling it up. “You just automatically assume it was him when you know nothing about my life.”
Levka took her dare. “Wasn’t it?”
The hesitation was all he needed, but she spoke out anyway, “That–”
“Don’t embarrass yourself.” He turned to go again, but with his hand on the door, he stopped. If he walked out, he didn’t know if he would ever get the chance to talk to her again. “This is bullshit, Luerna.” Levka looked back at her. “You’re pissed because I don’t want to fuck you like a whore. Make it make sense.”
Luerna didn’t know what to say. It didn’t make sense, he was right. She had gotten terrified because she felt emotion. Was she really that fucked up? She fell back on the chair with her head in her hands and elbows on her knees. Her eyes were flicking all around the floor, searching for answers and finding nothing to explain why she was screwing this up. She wanted this more than anything, but she didn’t know what exactly ‘this’ would be. And she wasn’t sure she deserved it.
Levka sat on the bed. He watched her and waited for her. He wasn’t expecting her to declare love for him. But he at least thought Luerna would let him love her. He thought that was what she was looking for, what she wanted.
Maybe it was too late. Perhaps she had been dead for too long, and there was no reviving her.
Out of all his fantasies, this one had never been played out. In this fantasy, hope didn’t survive.
Luerna pulled her head up. Her blue eyes shone with unshed tears. “I’m sorry.”
Levka shook his head, hiding his heartbreak with simple movements that didn’t require thought. “Don’t be.”
“I’m a mess. I’m a terrible person most of the time. I’m mean to my kids. I’m a terrible wife. I never know when to shut up. I’m no good. This proves it. I can’t even–” She cut herself off. ‘Make love’ sounded too intimate. But that’s what he wanted, wasn’t it? He wanted some kind of affection, but she wasn’t sure she had any in her.
Levka sat up, crossed his arms, and stared at the floor. “Do you know the first time I saw you?” Her sniffles cut him. “I was twelve years old. I came over for Gil’s birthday party, I think. You had a baby on your hip. RJ. And you were screaming at us for being too crazy in the pool. I couldn’t understand a word you were saying. I was just watching your big perfect tits.”
A laugh sprung out of her mouth, and she slapped her lips to suppress it. She always doing that, as if her laughter was something she needed to hide. “That’s so gross,” she said with a smile. “A twelve-year-old checking me out.”
He shrugged and smiled, watching the misery slip away from her face. It wasn’t a story of unfathomable love, a declaration of devotion that could sway her to leave her husband and marry him, but anything that made her smile was worth it.
Luerna sat back in the chair and pulled her legs up to her chest. She kept her fingers connected against her calves as she stared at him. Minute after minute. Levka just let her, keeping his eyes on her and giving her whatever she needed at this moment to figure out what she wanted from him. Because he could give her anything.
Except nothing.
“I really am sorry for what my father did.”
“It was a lesson I needed. I was a spoiled ass kid back then. Now I’m better, smarter.”
“You were lucky he left.”
“I know.” He cackled. “I thank God every day. I was worried about you, though.”
Her brows knit. “Why?”
His gaze flicked down to the bruise, and Luerna clenched her arms tighter around her. “Does your father know?”
Luerna shook her head, her brows knitting and tears burned the back of her eyes. So many excuses came to her, but she knew it all sounded cliche. She couldn’t get the words out whenever she tried to tell her father because she felt like a failure. Yakov told her to control Rurik. He truly believed her capable of such a thing, and now here she was being overrun. How could she claim she could run the family business when she couldn’t even control one man? And it wasn’t all Rurik’s fault. Since her father left him in charge here in Russia, his level of stress skyrocketed, and Luerna wasn’t exactly the sweet wife who helped. The hits may have been deserved. Part of why she came to this hotel to see Levka was to be spiteful toward her husband. What good wife did that?
“Luerna.” He sighed. “You can’t live like that.”
“It won’t happen again.”
He nodded, withholding an eye roll. He concentrated on his hands, imagining the damage he could do to Rurik, how he’d punch his face in and break every bone. The fire burned his chest, and he clenched his teeth to quell it.
“Why do you care about me, Levka?”
Levka cackled if only to remove the rage, rubbing his hands. He was angry at himself. “I didn’t think I did anymore.”
“Why would you ruin your life? Kira told me, and I still can’t make sense of it. I’m nothing. I’m old, and I’ve had four kids–if you think it’s gonna be all virgin-like down there–” He shook his head, putting a hand up to stop her. “That disgust you?”
“Yes,” he said, and Luerna reeled back as if she’d been slapped. “You constantly put yourself down, and I don’t want to hear it.”
Luerna was speechless, and all the anger that had skyrocketed came crashing down. Her eyes closed, and her face contorted as if pain was shooting up inside her. But what he didn’t understand was how much it meant to hear someone care. He was too good for her. What if she hurt him? What if her lack of feeling continued, and no matter how hard he tried to love her, she’d never be able to reciprocate it?
“I’m so tired,” she whispered. “I’m so tired of feeling nothing.” Luerna lifted her head and met his gaze.
“Don’t look at me like I can fix that, Luerna.”
“Who can?”
“You.”
He said it like he believed it. As if she actually did have the power. But she didn’t know where to find it.
Levka stood. “I think I should go.”
Luerna unfolded with her feet on the floor, nearly reaching out for him, but she couldn’t. Not so boldly. “I like talking to you.”
“Call me. You know where to find me.”
Before he made it out the door, Luerna barreled forward, nearly shouting, “Thank you, Levka.” She wasn’t sure what she was thanking him for, but letting him leave, thinking she didn’t appreciate him talking some sense into her, wasn’t possible. He suddenly became her only friend, and she didn’t want to lose him because of her carelessness. Because she was so incredibly careless when it came to important things.
With a hand on the frame, he looked back at her and smiled. “Anything for you, sunshine.”