4 COLE
The food finally gets done, and it’s about damn time.
The snow is already coming down, and I’m freezing my ass off standing in this screened-in porch.
The wind whips right through here, and I’ve had to relight the grill several times.
I’ve gone in several times, but it was an excuse to warm up before returning outside.
Suddenly, my house is way too damn small for the two of us.
I don’t know what happened. Something inside me snapped when she mentioned that ring and put it on.
That ring has sat there for ten years, waiting for her to come back for it.
I couldn’t help but compare myself to that ring.
The only difference is she isn’t trying to divorce that ring.
She doesn’t want to get rid of it. She accepted it back with open arms.
It’s pretty fucking sad when a ring means more to her than I do.
But I’m bound and determined to set things right with us over the next few days.
By the time she’s ready to leave, she won’t be able to.
The snow will be too deep to move that tiny little car one inch.
She’s stuck here. I may be evil, but it gives me the time I need to get things back on track.
Even if we never end up back together, we’ll better understand what went wrong and how we could’ve fixed it had she not runoff.
She deserves a little punishment for running away and breaking my heart.
I need an explanation after ten long years.
We have a seat at the kitchen table, and it’s only now I think about how long it’s been since I’ve eaten a meal in the kitchen, let alone at the table.
For a while, I didn’t eat much after she left.
I couldn’t. I was heartbroken. But eventually, my heart began to heal, and as it did, I was able to eat more and more.
“What have you been up to?” she asks, and I can tell by the tone in her voice that she’s trying to make polite conversation. This woman isn’t my wife.
“Well,” I say, wanting to attempt having a civil conversation, no matter how forced or fake it may be.
“I took over the logging company from Dad. He finally retired a couple of years back. After learning the ropes for a couple of years, I finally made the jump to starting a sawmill.”
I shrug. “It seemed like a good idea. I mean, living up here, I don’t have many bills, so I just had a bunch of money lying around from working my whole life.”
She smiles.
“What?”
“You’re thirty years old, Cole. You talk like you’re about ready for retirement.”
I snort and grab my beer. “I about am. Hell, I could retire right now if I wanted to.” I grab my knife and start cutting into my steak.
“Why don’t you? Why don’t you take some time off? Travel, see the world?”
I snort.
“Oh, right. I forgot. You’re a small-town guy who never wants to leave.”
“Why would I leave? Everything I need is right here,” I tell her, and we’re right back to where we left off ten years ago.
She lets out a long breath. “Well, since you’ve done nothing and changed nothing over the past ten years, I’ll tell you what I’ve been up to,” she says, stabbing her salad.
“I went to California. After some school and years of work, I managed to open my own business. I make costumes for Broadway plays, Hollywood movies, and anyone who needs an expensive, overly done, amazingly realistic-looking costume.
I bet there isn’t one movie made in the past two years that I didn’t make at least one costume for.”
She smiles, and I can see how proud she is of herself.
And the damnedest thing is that I’m proud of her too.
I knew she was talented. I knew if she worked hard, she could do amazing things given the chance.
I guess I was selfish for wanting to keep her all to myself instead of letting her go out and find her way in this world.
I guess I should’ve considered myself lucky for the short time I got with her.
The time we had was borrowed. I should’ve predicted she’d leave to do bigger and better things.
I have a mouthful of food, so I offer her a nod instead of trying to find the perfect thing to say.
“I like living in the city. There’s so much to do. There’s never a dull moment or boring night. I’ve lived there for years and still haven’t done everything it has to offer. There’s always a new restaurant to try or a new club to visit, new people to meet, and stores to shop.”
“There are also people living on top of people. Everyone is fake and a total asshole, with their only interest being using you to climb higher on the social ladder. You have to sit in traffic for hours to go anywhere, and that’s not good for the environment with smog and burning fossil fuels—”
“Look who’s worried about the environment,” she says, cutting me off. “You cut down trees for a living.” She’s wearing a smirk as she rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
I take a deep breath. “All I’m saying is that there’s also a negative for every positive you have for the place.”
“There are negatives everywhere, Cole. You just have to choose to overlook them.”
I know she’s right, but I’ll never admit it because then it will turn into a conversation on how I need to get out of this town and find a new life, something I’ve always been clear on not wanting to do.
I guess we should’ve thought ahead more when we were younger.
We should’ve asked the important questions.
I knew she wanted more, and she knew I wanted to stay here, but we got married anyway, thinking we’d be able to overcome our problems one way or another.
But the only way to do that is by compromising, and neither of us would budge.
We can’t be together. It’s that simple. In fact, I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
The two of us shut up and just focus on eating as the awkward silence eats at us.
The only sound in the kitchen is our silverware tapping the dishes and random wind gusts from the raging storm outside.
This cabin is insulated, so I don’t usually hear much of what goes on anyway.
It’s for the best because she still doesn’t know she won’t be leaving.
“So, why’d you do it?” I blurt out.
She looks up at me with surprise written on her face. “What?”
“If we’re here and doing this, we might as well get some of the dirt out from under the rug. Why’d you just run off? Why didn’t you tell me?”
She takes a deep breath and sets her fork down.
“It’s been so long ago now, and I don’t remember all the details,” she says, but I don’t speak, making her continue.
“I just remember that things had been rough for a couple of months.
It seemed like we were always fighting, and nothing ever got fixed.
We just dropped it when we went to sleep and avoided it when we woke up.
And that last week I was here, we did nothing but fight.
We’d wake up in the morning and fight. We’d fight off and on all day.
We’d go to bed mad at one another, and then we’d go to sleep only to carry on with the same thing the following day.
I was tired. I knew I’d waste my life trying to convince you to leave town, or I could take it into my own hands and live the way I dreamed.
I thought about that for a few days. When you were asleep, I’d get a little sentimental, and I didn’t want to go through with it.
But then we’d wake up and start fighting all over again, which did me in.
“And I knew that you wouldn’t stop me if I really wanted to leave, but you’d try to talk me out of it. You’d apologize. You’d hold and kiss me and break me down. I knew if you did, I would give in because I loved you despite what you might think. But it wasn’t enough.
What mattered was living the life I’d enjoy. I didn’t want to cook dinner every night, watch the same shows, fight, and sleep mad at one another. I wanted more, and I knew you’d never leave with me. You wouldn’t leave, and I couldn’t stay. So I did what I did.” She shrugs.
“Do you regret it?”
She presses her lips together and takes a long breath in. “No. I may have lost the love of my life, but I’ve gotten a lot in return—happiness with my job, life, and friends. And when I’m lonely, and thoughts of you come creeping back in, I get up and do something, and it disappears.”
I nod and take another bite, unsure how to feel about her answer. She did refer to me as the love of her life, though, so that has to mean something, right?
“I’m sorry if that isn’t what you wanted to hear.”
“Now why would you think that?” I ask, dropping my fork and letting it rattle against my plate. “Why wouldn’t I want to hear that you’d rather be rich and afford nice things than spend your life with the guy you say you love?”
She rubs her temples. “You’re misunderstanding me, Cole. I’m just saying that there is more to life than just love. I had dreams that I wanted to see come true. Does that make me a bad person?”
I shake my head. “Not at all. But it would’ve been nice to get a little notice that my wife was leaving. Don’t you think?”
I’m no longer hungry, so I push away from the table.
I dump my plate in the sink and grab my bottle of whiskey.
I carry it to the living room, sitting in my chair.
After taking a long drink, I lean forward and stare down at the divorce papers.
She comes and sits on the couch by my side.
“You have a pen?”
She doesn’t reply as she reaches into her purse and pulls out a pen. She hands it over quietly, and I get to work. I flip from tab to tab, signing each page. It takes several minutes, and I must sign my name a million times. But finally, they’re signed, and I push them away. “There’s your divorce.”