18. Lynx
LYNX
“You sure about this?” Cal asks as we watch the others get ready to ride out.
“No.” My gaze lands on Morgan. He’s stood next to his bike, rucksack on his back, kicking at the ground. “But I can’t see another way.” I turn to face him. “Can you?”
“You could let him stay,” he murmurs, too quiet for anyone else to hear.
I’ve thought about it, after what he’d said.
Fuck, I’ve done nothing but think about it.
It’d be so fucking easy to drag that bag off his back, haul him into my side, and never let him go.
But I listened to everything he said in that room.
And he’s right; as a human he has no idea what it means to complete a bond with me.
How could he? That fucking book might have given him an idea, but it didn’t tell him everything that’ll change if we go through with it.
That it’s a forever thing.
That once we take that step, there’s no going back.
He doesn’t want it.
He said as much in the forest. Whatever’s changing his mind isn’t natural, it’s shifter magic affecting him somehow, and that’s not right.
As much as I ache to sink my teeth into his skin and make him mine, to become his.
.. I can’t. He needs to get away from here, away from me, to regain some fucking perspective.
Our close proximity this past week must have accelerated the pull between us.
For him.
I’ve felt it ever since the night I first kissed him.
Maybe distance will let it fade away to nothing.
That thought hurts like a physical blow, but I shrug it off. Maybe that’ll fade too.
Yeah, right.
Cal nudges me as everyone but Morgan walks our way.
“We’re ready.” Mal shoots a glance back at Morgan, who still hasn’t looked at me once since we came out here.
I want to ride out with them. To prolong our time together for as long as possible. But that’s not how this works. As long as we’re keeping up the pretence that Morgan is a club prospect, then my place is here. “Good.”
“I’ve contacted the Trenton pack,” Beth offers, pulling her helmet on. “They know we’re coming their way.”
“Thank you.”
Mal, Beth, and Flint are riding north with Morgan. Since they’ll be in Trenton pack territory and Beth’s friendly with the betas there, I got her to send word. It’s good manners, and I don’t need to start a pack war on top of everything else.
“We’ll stay overnight and head back in the morning.” She grins. “They offered, and it’s rude to say no.”
“It is.” I raise an eyebrow. “And you hate to offend anyone.”
She laughs loudly. “You know me.”
I do. And I also know just how friendly she is with the Trenton betas. “Ride safe.” I grip her shoulder as I pass. If Morgan won’t even look my way, I’ll have to go to him.
He tenses as I approach, somehow knowing it’s me.
“Morgan,” I coax softly.
“I have nothing to say to you.” There’s no hiding the hurt in his tone, even though he tries. But it’s his scent that gives him away. Sadness, frustration, and anger mixed together, leaving a bad taste at the back of my mouth.
This is my fault.
I’ve forced him into this, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat, because it’s not fucking safe for him to stay. I repeat it in my head over and over as I walk around his bike until I’m standing in front of him, and he has no choice but to see me.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, pretending we don’t have a rapt audience.
He fiddles with something on his bike, head ducked.
Look at me .
I want to see his face. Need to fix it in my mind because Goddess knows when I’ll see him again.
Look at me, Morgan.
When his eyes finally meet mine, it hits like a sucker punch. Emotions swirl like a brewing storm, and his smile takes on a bitter edge. “You’re not coming?”
“No.”
“Don’t you want to make sure I go far enough away?”
I don’t grace that bollocks with an answer.
He sighs, tipping his head back and exposing his throat.
Whether it’s on purpose or not, the effect on me is instant and damning.
I’m moving before I even register the urge, grabbing him and burying my face in that sweet spot between his neck and shoulder.
As always, he smells so fucking good.
Like home , I think, and I really fucking shouldn’t.
Before I can gather enough sense to pull back, Morgan wraps his arms around my waist and fists his hands in the back of my shirt.
“I don’t want to go.” He draws in a deep, deep breath and it comes out shaky. “Don’t make me.”
I suck in another lungful of him, trying to commit that to memory too. “I’m sorry,” I say again, following it up with a kiss along his collarbone. “So fucking sorry.” Then another.
I trail kisses up along his neck, stopping just behind his ear when his breath hitches.
I want to kiss him properly, to taste him one more time, but I’m not sure of my welcome. So instead, I pull back enough to see his face. “I need you to be safe .”
He scowls but keeps hold of me. “I can look after myself. I’ve done it for the past twenty-five years. I’m not fucking fragile .”
But in my world, you are.
“You don’t know what they’re capable of. If they?—”
“They tortured my dad , Lynx. I’m well fucking aware of what they’re capable of.”
“Then you know why you can’t stay.” I cup his jaw, keeping him in place when he tries to look away. “It won’t be forever.”
“How long?”
Until you come to your senses. “Maybe until they leave town.”
He narrows his eyes at my none answer. “And how long will that be?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
He looks like he’s going to continue this argument, and I really need him not to. There’s only so much fight I have in me before I drag him off that bike and inside. “You need to go,” I whisper, stroking his jaw, stubble rough under my thumbs.
“Do you want me to?”
“No.” I don’t have it in me to lie. “But it’s what I need. What we both need.”
He stares at me for the longest time, and I get lost in eyes that hide nothing, until I have to look away.
“Okay,” he says eventually, and even though it’s what I know needs to happen, I’m still gutted by that one word. “But I’m coming back.”
I nod, because I don’t want to say the words in my head. Once he’s away from me, it’ll all change. As I take one last look at my fated mate, I force myself to accept that this might be the last time he stares at me like I’m something he wants.
Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?
Maybe.
But Morgan didn’t ask for any of this. He fell into my life again because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I need to let him go.
“Goodbye.” I go to step back, but he pulls me forward into a bruising kiss that I feel fucking everywhere. It’s rough and demanding, and for this one blissful moment, I sink into it, letting myself feel what it would be like.
It’s both the worst and the absolute fucking best.
For a few amazing seconds I have everything I’ve ever wanted.
And then Morgan pulls back and reality surges back in. “Not goodbye,” he hisses, prodding me in the chest. “This isn’t fucking finished.”
Despite everything I’ve just told myself, I cling to his words and hoard them close as I move back so he can straddle his bike.
I watch the four of them ride out, stealing myself for the pain headed my way. We might not be bonded, but I’m so far along this fucking road that it hurts almost as much to be separated.
Callum comes to stand beside me, and I grip his shoulder as my legs threaten to buckle. He wraps an arm around my waist, holding me up. “I hope you’re right about this,” he mutters, pulling me to his side.
So do I.
Otherwise, I’ve just pushed my future out the door for nothing.
“The only people who know he’s here are the hunters, and Ash. Pretty sure his best friend isn’t a threat to his safety, and we’ve got eyes on the Black Arrows. They haven’t left the house as far as we know.”
“What about the Silver Blades?”
“What about them?” I force myself to look away from the gate. He’s gone. I need to fucking accept it. “As much as they piss me off, we’ve never had a problem with them.”
Cal sighs and runs a hand through hair that’s had a rough couple of hours. “True, I guess.”
“When everyone realises Morgan isn’t going to cause any trouble, he can come back.” Of course, I can’t guarantee that, and the look Cal shoots me as he sets me back on my feet, confirms it.
“That wasn’t what I meant, anyway,” he says quietly, toeing at a loose stone on the ground. When I don’t say anything, he sighs again. “We could’ve found a way, Lynx.”
“No, we couldn’t.”
He rounds on me, lip curling in a snarl. “Fuck off.” He jabs a finger in the direction of the gate. “That was your mate .”
“Well aware.” I snarl back, getting in his face, but Cal stands his ground.
“If the two of you wanted to complete the bond, we would’ve found a fucking way.”
I close my eyes and tip my head back as the fight drains out of me. “He doesn’t want it.”
Cal scoffs. “You sure about that?”
“You heard what he said. That he didn’t know if he’d ever want to take it further.” I open my eyes to find him watching me. “What?”
“Because he’s only just found out that you’re—” He tilts his head, listening. A bit late for that.
“We’re alone,” I murmur anyway. Unsurprising, considering the tension surrounding us.
“Mates,” Cal says softly. “Give him time, Lynx. He wanted to stay.”
“Not for me.” I shake my head and sigh. “Those hunters tortured his father into signing away his house. He wants revenge. That’s all.”
“Can’t blame him for that.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and nudges me with his shoulder. “Are you sure that’s all it is, though? Because you both smell?—”
“A week ago, he couldn’t stand me.” Cal raises his eyebrows, but I need to end this conversation for my own sanity. “He’s human, Cal.”
“I know that, but?—”
“Whatever he thinks he might feel for me will fade with a bit of time and distance. And that’s how it has to be.”
“Fine. It’s your decision, I guess.” He gives me a long assessing look, his judgement heavy on my shoulders. “But I think you’re a fucking fool.” He turns and stalks off, leaving me alone in the empty yard.
“Fuck.”