Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
TEETERING
WESTON
What the fuck was that?
You are teetering into dangerous territory, Shaw.
I drag my hand through my hair and try to focus on putting Caleb’s things away, but I can’t stop thinking of the way Sadie looked at me just now.
I came this close to kissing her.
What the fuck am I thinking?
I have a feeling we’d be explosive together, and then what?
She barely trusts me now. If things went south, we’d be stuck co-raising Caleb and we just think this has been hard already? It’d be ten times harder if our feelings got involved.
I’m glad that we’re getting to know each other and that it feels like the walls between us are finally coming down, but a surefire way to ruin all of that would be to make a move on her. Whatever this is that I’m feeling needs to be placed in the far recesses of never, and we need to stay firm in the friend zone.
Without thinking it through enough, I text the guys.
Do we ever do impromptu Single Dad Players meetings?
Henley
I just saw you! Why didn’t you say you needed a meeting today?
I wasn’t thinking about it then.
Penn
The Single Dad Players are an ongoing resource of vital tips and information. That’s what I’ve heard anyway. I wouldn’t personally KNOW. But I can be over in twenty. Just finishing up at the gym.
Rhodes
I’m with Penn. We’ll be right there.
Bowie
It must be dire if it can’t wait until tomorrow.
Shit. I forgot we were getting together tomorrow. It can wait. Never mind. It’s best that it’s not at the house anyway.
Henley
The curiosity will kill me if I have to wait until tomorrow.
It’s nothing. Forget it. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Rhodes
We’re on our way.
Henley
I’ll be there in more like thirty.
Bowie
Same.
No, don’t come. Sadie’s here and I don’t want her to hear this.
Henley
You’re killing me.
Rhodes
By tomorrow you’ll have talked yourself off of the cliff and will have toned down the angst, which truly sucks because I am in need of some DRAMA. Has it really only been a month and a half since we won the Super Bowl? I’m dying here. At least give us a fucking hint, Shaw!
I chuckle, my earlier urgency already feeling a little more under control.
But now they’re texting every few minutes.
Penn
Did you walk in on her taking a shower?
Rhodes
No way. Shit. Did you???
Bowie
No, he did not walk in on her taking a shower. He has like seventy billion bathrooms—why would he walk into hers while she’s taking a shower?
Rhodes
Uh, because she’s in there! Taking a shower!
I didn’t walk in on her taking a shower. I’m not a skeeze.
Rhodes
Neither am I, but I am horny, dude. It’s been too long. I need someone to be getting some.
Penn
I’m getting some. Why aren’t you? You’re usually keeping up with me. You really don’t need us now, Weston?
Rhodes
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need to go find a willing body. Elle is going through crap with Bernard, so I’m trying to be there for her, but I’m in a constant state of pissed off. I can’t stand that dude.
Bowie
I can’t believe she’s still with that guy.
Rhodes
Trust me. I can’t believe it either. She’s been my best friend forever and is the smartest woman I know, but when it comes to Bernard, she’s got blinders the size of Texas.
We all love Rhodes’ best friend Elle, and Rhodes is right, Bernard is a douche. I personally think Rhodes and Elle belong together, but Rhodes doesn’t even let us tease about it. He shuts that down fast.
Henley
She needs to dump that asshole for good. West, call it. You need us now, we’ll be there.
I’ll see you tomorrow. Crisis averted for now. Thanks, you guys.
I get everything put away in Caleb’s room and then drag in the surprise I’ve been hiding in my room for the past few days. It’s a rocking chair that’s comfortable and pretty, something I didn’t realize would be so hard to find.
When Sadie walks into the room with Caleb and sees the rocking chair in the corner, she gasps.
“I love it,” she says. “I didn’t know you’d bought this.”
“It was a little surprise. Try it out,” I tell her, motioning for her to have a seat.
She sits down and grins when it rocks. “So good.” She looks at Caleb who’s jabbering excitedly. “What do you think of your room? You love it too, don’t you?”
She glances around the space, taking it all in.
She stops rocking when she sees the picture. It’s one that I grabbed at the apartment while she was in another room. Sasha is holding a tiny Caleb and kissing him. I hung it by the rocking chair, low enough that when we’re rocking Caleb, we can see it.
“It’s perfect, Weston. Even better than I imagined.”
“It will be once we get a crib.” We both laugh. “The stores are closing soon. Should we go pick one out tomorrow after coffee?”
“That would be great.” She smiles and nods. “Weston, Sasha would’ve—” She pauses. “She would’ve loved it, but actually, this is more my taste than Sasha’s.” She makes a face. “I don’t know why I feel bad saying that. We would’ve talked about it if she were here, so it’s not like I’m…talking behind her back.” She sighs and shakes her head. “I still don’t know how to talk about her like she’s not just away on vacation or something.”
“I get that. You can talk about her however you want,” I say. “I like hearing about her. I want Caleb to know everything about his mom.”
She takes a deep breath and her lips tilt up, and for the first time since I’ve known her, she doesn’t cry when she talks about Sasha. “She would have characters on the walls, and it would be cute, but I like how classy everything looks without them. Instead of that one adorable bunny that is the cutest,” she points to the floppy stuffed bunny propped up on the bookshelf, “there would be stuffed animals everywhere . She liked things to be over the top, and I like that it’s still obviously a baby’s room without being hit over the head with cutesy everything.”
I smile. “I know what you mean. I like that about it too. We could add a few characters for Sasha if you want though.”
She laughs. “That’s sweet, but no, it’s okay. This is much better.” She looks at the picture of Sasha and Caleb. “And she’s still a part of things too.”
“My interior designer is Autumn Ledger—she’s the one who helped me find the rocking chair and almost everything else in this house. She’d call this understated elegance.”
She blinks up at me. “Did you say Autumn Ledger? Like Zac Ledger’s wife?”
I nod, grinning. “I know. I freaked when I met them. I was always a huge fan of Zac’s. He’s the true GOAT of the NFL, in my opinion. And he’s such a nice guy. There’s a weird connection with our families now—well, more like my sister’s family. Zac’s brother Jamison is married to my brother-in-law Sutton’s sister, Scarlett.”
She moves her fingers up like she’s calculating and then shakes her head. “Wow. So you’re saying Autumn Ledger has been in this house?”
I nod and she gives me a huge smile.
“That is amazing. I love her. I think I’ve seen every magazine and every show she’s ever been featured in…”
“You said you would’ve gone to school for interior design?”
“Yes. I don’t know that I’m any good at it, but I’m way into it.”
“Your apartment was decorated nice.”
She makes a face. “Thank you. That didn’t feel like my best effort, but I can make something out of very little.” She laughs. “My mom and Sasha both like a little more,” her lips twist as she tries to come up with the right word, “clutter…more knickknacks than me. I love the way you have a place for everything and it’s cozy without feeling cluttered.”
“I’d say thank you, but I have Autumn to thank for that.”
“I bet she asked what you liked and based everything around that, though,” she says. “So I’m sure you played a part in how it turned out. And I’ve been here long enough that I would’ve seen you make messes by now if that’s the way you kept your house.”
“She did grill me endlessly, trying to pinpoint what I like. And I loved everything she did so much that I haven’t wanted to screw it up.” I smile at her and then we both laugh when terrible sounds come out of Caleb.
She holds him up, scrunching her nose.
“I think it’s time to try out your new changing table, little guy,” she says.
It takes both of us to work on the mess the little dude has created, and when we’re done, we go downstairs and raid the fridge. There’s been a different vibe between us today, really since we went on that picnic together. I think I showed my hand too much when I told her she’s a rare kind of beautiful, but I stand by what I said. I get the impression that Sadie struggles with low self-esteem, or maybe it’s not that, maybe she’s just not been comfortable around me until now.
Since we’re talking more freely with one another now, I want to know everything about her. And that scares me. Because I don’t remember ever feeling this invested.
I keep telling myself it’s the situation we’re in.
It’s living in the same house.
Raising Caleb together.
She’s in a vulnerable state after losing her sister.
I’m in a vulnerable state finding out I had a son I didn’t know about…
All of it pointing to proceed with caution !
But it just feels so good to talk to her. Each new piece of information I cull out of her feels priceless.
Caleb coos happily in the swing next to the table.
“I went out to see the pool house the other day,” she says, before taking a bite out of her sandwich. “I hope that’s okay. It’s beautiful out there too.”
“Of course, it’s okay. I want you to feel like this is your home too. You know, you don’t have to ever go back to your apartment.”
She looks down at her plate. “Thank you. It’s helped to be here, but it would take time for this to feel like home. I’m grateful that I get to be with Caleb.” Her eyes meet mine and then she glances away quickly. “I’m still having a hard time believing I’m here,” she admits. “And having a lot of guilt over it.”
“Guilt, why?”
She sets her sandwich down and dusts off the crumbs. She seems far away suddenly, her eyes distant as she stares outside.
“It should’ve been me,” she says softly. “I should’ve been the one to go, not Sasha. She deserved a better life, and Caleb deserves to know his mom. I’ve never talked about this, but…I was supposed to watch Caleb that morning. Not for any particular reason except to give Sasha a break. But I got home really late from work the night before and overslept. I don’t know why she didn’t wake me up…or why she left in the first place. She rarely went anywhere. She wasn’t comfortable driving in gross weather, so it’s even more confusing why she went out that day when it was icy.”
She blinks and a tear drops down her face.
“I haven’t been able to go through all of her things yet. I helped my parents go through some of it at the apartment, but I’d like to keep anything of hers that’s special and give it to Caleb when he’s older. There’s no way he will remember her, but I want him to know everything about her too, for him to still have her presence in his life. You know?” She looks down and more tears fall. “This house is a dream. Caleb has everything he could possibly want. But I can’t help but feel like I’ll never belong here. I’m taking the space that should’ve been my sister’s.”
I reach out and take her hand. It’s small in mine, but the instant our palms touch, an awareness crackles through me. Sadie looks up at me. Does she feel it too?
“It will never make sense that Sasha is gone,” I say. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t belong here. That’s a space that only you can fill…in Caleb’s life, in mine, in this house. We will talk about Sasha to Caleb, I promise you that. He’ll know about her and he’ll know how much she loved him.”
I bend so she meets my eyes and she nods slightly.
“I’m not one of those people who says everything happens for a reason , because that’s too conflicting for me to wonder why so many suffer. Why do horrific, inexcusable things happen to children and good people? Everything happening for a reason would make it seem like there’s a higher power out there pulling strings to make certain people’s lives the worst .” I clear my throat, a lump building in my throat from seeing all the tears falling down her cheeks. “But I do think good things can come out of tragedies despite how awful they are. Sasha shouldn’t have died, and equally as true…you should not feel guilty that you didn’t.”
She looks at me for a moment and then her face crumbles. She buries her face in her hands and I move until I’m kneeling in front of her chair. I push her hair back and then pull her toward me. Her head leans against my chest, and my arms wrap around her as she lets it out.
After some time, she gets quiet and I keep holding her. Every now and then, she’ll take a deep, shuddering breath, but she doesn’t pull away.
When we finally break apart, my legs are stiff from being in the same position for so long. But I wouldn’t change a thing.
“Thank you for saying that, Weston,” she says softly. “People kept saying that at the funeral—everything happens for a reason—and it made me so angry. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say what you just did and it”—her voice shakes and she takes another deep breath—“it really helped. Thank you.”
I push her hair back from her eyes and we stare at each other for a few long seconds. Finally, I get up and move away from her because the urge to kiss her is too strong.