Chapter Ten
Holly
I tried to kiss a boy a couple of times. Hated every single thing about it. Tried to have sex once, too. Nope. I’d barely gotten the guy alone with me before I backed out. Nothing felt right. I didn’t like the feel of his touch on my skin or the way his lips were wet. Kissing felt… slimy. Icky. I hated it.
Then Jax went and kissed me on the plane. His kiss had been nothing like I’d experienced before, and everything I’d always longed for. This kiss was even better.
His lips were firm yet tender, his touch gentle yet commanding. The mere press of his mouth against mine elicited a fire within me, as though he was the key to igniting my very soul. I wanted to believe love and romance like my mom and dad had wasn’t a fluke. Hadn’t I seen it in the other members of Black Reign and their women? Kissing Jax felt as though all the love songs and cheesy romance novels suddenly made sense.
He was patient and understanding, letting me explore the contours of his lips with mine at my own pace. His hands roamed my back in soothing circles, as though reassuring me and encouraging me to keep going. His body was molded against mine in a comforting embrace which felt like home. Of course, Mom and Dad had given me a loving place to live and protected me as much as possible, but Jax was different. He was mine. And I was his.
Jax pulled away slightly, creating a distance that allowed me to catch my breath. My eyes fluttered open to meet his gaze. His hazel eyes were molten with affection, reflecting an intensity that made my heart skip a beat. His thumb grazed gently across my lower lip, coaxing me to open. When I did, he slipped the tip of his thumb into my mouth. I closed my lips around the digit, sucking gently.
Jax looked me straight in the eyes, searching mine the same as I searched his gaze for some kind of clue to what he was thinking. “Just so you know, this only goes as far as you want. There’s no expectation on my part. Tonight is all about you. What you want. What you need. I’m going to give you everything. And you’re going to tell me what you desire most for us right now.” He removed his thumb, and I wanted to chase it down and suck some more. I have no idea why that simple act was so erotic, but there it was.
“I want you, Jax. I want to make love with you.” The words were out before I could censor them or maybe phrase it differently. I was certain no self-respecting biker would ever “make love.” But it was what I wanted. This time. I needed him to guide me, and I needed to be able to understand what was happening.
I wasn’t sure if I expected him to scoff at me or be amused. I could be naive enough to think he would even want to make love to me. What I got was a slow, wicked smile. “Oh yeah, baby. I can definitely do that. I’m going to take my time and prove to you I’m the only man you’ll ever need.”
“Yes. That’s what I want.”
Jax slid his fingers through my hair to cup the back of my head as he lowered his lips to mine again. This time the kiss started off slow and careful, like he was feeling me out or maybe giving me time to adjust to the sensations. I slid my hands up his chest and around his neck.
With his fingers tangled in my hair, Jax angled my head where he wanted me while his other arm tightened around me, holding me close. Goose bumps erupted over my skin and I shivered. I’d always loved being in Jax’s arms. This was altogether different, though. This time, I was really his. His woman. I found his strength exciting, and even a little daunting. I knew he hadn’t been a saint -- he was twelve years older than me -- so there was no doubt he was the experienced one in this relationship. While I wanted to claw out the eyes of every single woman he’d been with, I couldn’t fault him for it when I’d been too young for him to even consider being with. At the same time, I wanted to thumb my nose at the lot of them. They might have had him in the middle of his life, but I’d had him first and now I had him last.
Slowly, as if sensing my comfort with his touch, Jax intensified the kiss. His teeth grazed my lips enough to make me gasp. His tongue swept inside my mouth to dance with mine. Small sighs filled the air as I settled into his embrace and simply let Jax have me. I’d trust him to guide me, and I’d be everything he needed.
I shifted so that I could wrap my legs around him. As turned on as I’d gotten just from his kiss, my clit felt like it was being licked by fire every time I rubbed over his jeans. I might never have had sex, but I knew how to pleasure myself and often did. What I was feeling now had nothing to do with physical stimulation and everything to do with the man doing the stimulating.
He stood and planted a knee on the mattress, laying us both down so that he pinned me. I loved his weight on top of me, his body resting between my legs. I tilted my hips, trying to get some more friction on my clit and Jax grinned down at me.
“Is my girl greedy?”
“For you?” I tried to flash him a grin, but my words came out as breathless as I felt. I wasn’t in a smiling mood. I was nearly desperate to come. “Always.”
“Good. Because I doubt I’ll ever get enough of you, Holly.”
“You’ll always be with me?”
“Always, baby. Nothing could make me leave you. Nothing.” I could see in his eyes and expression he meant what he said. Thing was, Jax had seen me at my worst already. If he still wanted me, I was all in, and I wasn’t asking him if he was sure because then I’d have to decide what I’d do if he changed his mind.
“Good. Now, show me what to do.” It was as much of an order as I was capable of. I was pretty sure it was more of a plea than a demand.
“With pleasure.”
Jax kissed me again. This time his hands touched the skin of my waist and slid up my sides until I arched my back and whimpered into his mouth. He pushed up slightly, grabbed a fistful of his shirt between his shoulders, and pulled it over his head. Then he slid my shirt from my body in a slow, gentle caress.
My nipples were pebbled, and hard, aching points. I arched again, hoping he’d mash his chest to mine so I could rub my nipples over his muscles. Instead, he wrapped an arm around my back and lowered his head to take one breast into his mouth and suck.
I screamed at the foreign contact. I’d always imagined how this would feel, but the experience far outweighed the fantasy. I tightened my legs around Jax, afraid he’d leave. Or, worse, not give me the friction I needed over my clit. That might be grounds for a beating.
Jax’s warm laughter vibrated through my chest. “I know you need friction on your clit, baby. And I’ll give it to you. Just not yet.”
“Oh, God!” I should have been horrified that I’d said that comment out loud, but my brain was scrambled. I shivered and jerked when his fingers caught my nipple between them and gently squeezed and twisted while his tongue flicked magic over the other. “Oh, God! Jax!”
“That’s it, honey. Scream my name. Let me know who you belong to.”
“Only you, Jax,” my voice came out breathy and desperate as his teeth grazed my nipple. He chuckled against my skin, sending shivers down my spine. “I belong to you.”
Lifting his head, he grinned at me with those wickedly beautiful eyes of his. “I’ll never tire of hearing that,” he murmured, pressing a firm kiss to my collarbone. “And so you know and understand, I belong to you, too.”
That made me smile, and a satisfying contentment began to bloom inside my chest. This was where I was meant to be all along. It took time to make the journey. Now that I was here, I wasn’t letting a moment pass by without appreciating what I’d found.
Jax moved his hands down to the waist of my shorts, his fingers caressing my skin over my hips and upper thighs as he slid them off. He sat up to pull them over my feet and toss them to the floor before lying back on top of me once again. A wave of nervous anticipation washed over me. I’d been exposed in front of him before, but not like this.
My illness had left scars from surgeries and chemo ports. But knowing there were scars on my body and actually seeing them were two different things. What if he… didn’t want the reminder?
“Honey, whatever you’re thinking, stop.” Jax didn’t sound angry or impatient. In fact, he smiled at me as he stroked my hair. My breasts were mashed against his chest now, like I’d wanted a few moments ago, but the thought he might not like what he saw when he looked at my naked body, no matter how briefly, had me doubting myself. And him.
“I’m sorry.” I was afraid the tears were gonna start again and did my best to blink them back.
“Why are you sorry.” It was phrased as a demand instead of a question. An order to be obeyed.
“I have scars. You know. From the cancer.”
“Battle scars. Yep.” He gave me a look that said, “And?”
“It was hard. What we went through. And I include you in that because you were the one I always clung to. You saw the very worst of it all. As much or more than my mother sometimes. You were barely an adult. I’m sure you don’t want the reminder of it every time you see me.”
Jax looked at me for a long time. I thought maybe I’d broken the mood, but I could feel his erection through his jeans. He was still hard and didn’t seem to be flagging. “That’s not it.” His confident tone grated on my ears. I hated it when he pulled that superior act. Like he knew me better than I knew myself.
“Is so.” I stuck my chin up defiantly.
Jax chuckled softly, that tender expression still on his face even though he was still as intense as ever. “OK, so let me rephrase. That’s not all it is.”
“Have I ever told you how annoying you are?” My irritation might have been more convincing if I hadn’t been clinging to his arms.
“Every chance you get.” He gave me another brief but tender kiss. “Now, tell me what else is bothering you.”
I closed my eyes, taking a breath before meeting his gaze once more. “My cancer already came back once. Blade said there was a possibility it could recur again. Could you go through all that again with me? Because, if you can’t, you need to tell me now.”
It was Jax’s turn to sigh. I could almost feel the disappointment radiating from him. “Honey. I’m sorry I haven’t made it clear to you. I guess I thought you’d know. No matter what happens, I’m always going to be with you. If you get sick again, I’ll be with you every step of the way. Face it, Holly. You’re stuck with me. As long as I’m alive. You’re stuck with me.”
He held my gaze, really staring at me. I could see the truth in his eyes. “You really would, wouldn’t you?” I know I sounded a bit starstruck, but honestly. Jax was my hero, as well as my only love.
“Yes. I really would.”
“Also, I don’t want to have kids.” I couldn’t stop myself from blurting that out. He needed to know this, though. It affected his future as much as it did mine.
“Sweetheart, if you don’t want to have kids, I’m good with that. Could you tell me why? It’s your body and with everything you’ve already been through I could understand if that’s why you made your decision.”
“Partly, but not really. It’s the specter of the cancer coming back. I know that there are studies showing pregnancy hormones can sometimes stimulate cancer growth or even revive dormant cancer cells that didn’t completely die. I don’t want to die, Jax. While it’s selfish on my part, I also don’t want to leave my child without his mother. I’m not sure I could do chemo knowing I was pregnant, and I don’t think I’d want to get an abortion. So, my options would be to do the chemo regardless of the risk to a fetus or hold off on the chemo until after the baby’s born. Which would likely be a death sentence. If my cancer comes back. I’d rather adopt or foster. It’s considerably lower risk all the way around and I could still have children.” I ducked my head. “But that’s all unfair to you. So I get it if you can’t do this. Just tell me now.”
He was silent for a moment, then he stroked my jawline tenderly. “I think you’ve clearly thought about your decision from several different angles. And I agree. But if you change your mind at some point, we’ll get Blade to walk us through everything and help you make the decision that’s best for you. I’d never risk your health -- mental or physical. And that kind of event would do both.” Jax’s gentle smile made my eyes mist over again. “A parent is the person who loves and raises you. Sometimes you don’t find that person -- or people -- until you’re an adult. So, any child I bring into my home to care for will be my child. Biological or not. Also, there’s a ton of kids around the compound to spoil. You know that from growing up here.”
“Why are you so reasonable?” I slapped at his chest as I yelled at him. Those blasted tears started in full force again. “You weren’t supposed to agree with me!”
He gave me a genuinely puzzled look. “I wasn’t? Why wouldn’t I?”
“You’re supposed to act like a guy ! A guy would bitch and moan about not having offspring or an heir or whatever. If you did, it would make you seem less perfect and I could finally find a reason to back off before I lose myself completely.” I was acting crazy and I knew it but, Goddamnit, I was scared!
Jax looked confused for a moment, then realization dawned on him and he rolled his eyes. “Maddog, you are not gettin’ rid of me that easily. Besides, I already gave you my property patch in front of your parents. You accepted it. No take backs.” He narrowed his gaze and pointed a finger at me as if daring me to defy him.
I laughed, more relieved than I’d felt in a long time. “Fine. No take backs. I don’t know why I’m trying to push you away. I don’t mean to.” It was the truth. It was also far too late for pushing him away to do any good. I was already in love with him. The damage was done.
“You’re pushing to see if you can find my boundaries. You’re pushing the ones most important to you first. I can respect that. When it’s all over and you finally realize I not only know exactly what I’m getting into but welcome it a thousand times over if I get to have you be mine, I’m going to remind you of this conversation. There’s not a Goddamned thing I wouldn’t do to keep you, Holly. Not one Goddamned thing.”
“I’m holding you to that,” I quipped. “No take backs.”
He grinned. “Good. I’m holding you to it as well.”
Not giving me time to continue the conversation, Jax kissed me again, building me up to where I was before things took a serious turn. Now, I wanted to feel. To learn. To pleasure. And I wanted to do it all with Jax.
With a contented sigh, I surrendered completely to him. There was no better man for me to give my virginity to. Not only would he be careful with me, but he’d make sure I enjoyed it. It wasn’t in Jax to do anything else.