Chapter 15
Fifteen
The engagement party was being held at Adam’s parents’ house. Maddy and Adam’s entire flat could have fit in their garage, so it was the obvious and thrifty choice.
Maddy stood in the downstairs loo and stared at her reflection.
‘You look nice,’ she told herself. It was more like a command than a compliment.
She was wearing a navy dress. She didn’t do bold colours. They made her feel like a toddler playing dress-up.
Voices drifted down the hallway. Laughter, the clink of champagne flutes, Adam’s father already in full performance mode. Maddy took a deep breath.
It’s just a party.
Her phone buzzed in her hand. For one wild, illogical second, she thought of Eva. Not because she expected her to text, she had no cause. But Eva wouldn’t have feared this evening. She wasn’t scared of anything, anyone.
The buzz was from her mother.
Where have you gone?
Coming, Maddy typed back.
She slipped the phone into her clutch and opened the door.
‘There she is!’ Adam’s father, Harry, called the moment Maddy appeared at the end of the hallway.
Every head turned.
Maddy felt the now-familiar sensation of stepping onto a runway. She wished it were the kind you took flight from.
Adam crossed the room toward her, smiling.
He looked handsome and relaxed. Entirely at home.
As well he might. His bedroom stood upstairs, untouched, a museum to his childhood.
Maddy’s mother had gotten a cross-trainer into her room the day she left for uni.
It had been delivered while she was packing the car.
But Adam’s parents had the big house. They could afford an unused room.
So every time Adam walked into this house, he was coming home.
But Maddy wasn’t really at home anywhere. Except maybe in the library.
‘You okay?’ Adam murmured, kissing her cheek.
‘Of course,’ she said.
‘My mother’s doing my head in,’ Adam said.
Maddy glanced across at Sandy. She looked mute, as ever. She spoke very rarely in Maddy’s presence. ‘Really?’
‘I know she doesn’t speak a lot, but it’s all in the eyes,’ Adam muttered darkly.
Guests surged forward. ‘Congratulations.’ ‘How did he propose?’ ‘The ring is gorgeous.’ ‘Hawthorne Manor, isn’t it? So stunning.’
Maddy smiled and answered. ‘Thank you.’ ‘At a party.’ ‘Thanks.’ ‘Yeah, it’s nice.’
But somewhere in the back of her mind, glass and greenery and golden light sat.
She’d get over it. She almost had.
She drifted from cluster to cluster. Adam’s university friends. A neighbour who smelled strongly of Werther’s Originals.
Finally, she arrived at her work friends.
‘Have you found the dress?’ Mary asked.
Maddy supposed she was her closest work friend. Everyone else they worked with was over sixty, so it simply followed.
Maddy hesitated. ‘Nearly,’ she said.
‘Have you chosen a maid of honour?’ asked Aria, her boss.
‘Hadn’t gotten to that yet,’ Maddy said. Her mother kept telling her to choose someone. But she wasn’t sure who was right. She didn’t have a best friend, as such. If only she had a sister. It would have been a no-brainer.
‘Hey, you know I’ve done it twice, right?’ said Adam’s sister Hannah, appearing, it seemed, out of nowhere. ‘I could sort you a hen in my sleep.’
She wanted to do it? ‘Oh. Umm. OK?’
Hannah grinned ear-to-ear. This was fine. It was a choice made, an item struck off the to-do list. Hannah was a chatterbox, but that was probably good for this situation. She could fill the gaps when Maddy’s mouth shut up shop, as it was apt to do.
‘Guys!’ Hannah said to the room. ‘I’m maid of honour!’
The room received the news with mixed interest. But Mary looked crestfallen. Was this really a prized role? Maddy would have sooner swum with piranhas armed with guns before she’d be anyone’s maid of honour.
‘Hey, would you like to be a bridesmaid?’ Maddy asked Mary.
‘Oh, yes. Lovely,’ Mary said, perking up.
Why did it seem like everyone was more excited about being in this wedding than she was?
As Hannah began to talk about hen dos in a way that suggested she’d long been researching while she lay in wait for her appointment, Maddy’s mind flickered to the changing room curtain and her buzzing phone. She smiled and nodded and waited for Hannah to exhaust herself.
‘It’s such a magical time,’ Hannah said, looping an arm through hers. ‘All the decisions. I loved being engaged. It’s like the world revolves around you for a year.’
That was simultaneously completely horrifying to Maddy and utterly incorrect. Maddy’s opinion mattered as much as it ever had. Which was to say, not very much.
Harry clinked a fork against his glass. Maddy shook her head without meaning to at yet another cliché.
Was this just how it was? Someone got down on one knee, and then your boyfriend’s dad started making speeches while your mum tried to dress you like you were four again.
How embarrassingly archaic. She was in her thirties.
The twenty-first century was almost in its own thirties.
Why was she doing this? Why were any of them doing this? What was the point?
She could just say it now. She could say, ‘I’m a grown woman. What the hell are we doing here?’ and walk out.
Ha. Yeah. Imagine.
They gathered near the fireplace. Maddy positioned herself beside Adam because she knew she was supposed to, and she simply didn’t have what it took to break from all this. She was Bride Barbie. She was posable and came with accessories. A ring. A dress. A sense of existential horror.
‘When Adam told us he’d met someone special,’ Harry began, ‘we knew it wouldn’t be long before this day came. Well, we got that wrong!’
Polite laughter.
‘Maddy, you’ve brought such warmth into his life.’
Maddy felt every eye tilt toward her again. She arranged her face accordingly.
Harry spoke about family. About futures. About how lucky they all were. And how pleased that Maddy would be becoming a Morrison. Maddy tried not to look surprised at the assumption. But really, it shouldn’t have been a surprise. Of course it was expected. So, of course, she’d end up doing it.
Hello, Maddy Morrison. Goodbye, Maddy Kind. Nice knowing you. Sort of.
Maddy took a glug of champagne. When the speech ended, applause slapped gently. Adam squeezed her waist.
The party resumed its gentle hum. Someone refilled her glass without asking.
***
Later, Maddy found herself standing near the French doors that opened onto the garden. The night beyond was cool, the lawn dark. She pictured Hawthorne Manor. That was where it would happen. I do.
It would be beautiful. It would be impressive. It would be exactly what everyone expected.
She stepped outside onto the dark lawn. Cold air met her skin.
Her phone was in her bag. She slipped it out and opened her thread with Eva. The last message sat there.
There you are.
Her heart skittered.
It doesn’t mean anything. She just meant the dress suited you. It doesn’t mean anything.
‘Everything alright?’
Adam again, always appearing just as she drifted too far. Maddy realised she was cold. How long had she been out here?
‘Fine,’ she said, locking her screen.
‘You okay with the numbers creeping up a bit?’ Adam asked. ‘Dad's got a few colleagues he’d love to include. They gave me a cheque, so we don’t need to worry about the extra expense of Hawthorne. We can stick to our original budget.’
Creeping up. Yes, the numbers could do that now. The greenhouse seated eighty comfortably, and that’s where it would stop. But Hawthorne Manor could house one hundred and fifty without blinking.
‘Why not?’ she said.
Adam smiled, satisfied, and was immediately pulled away by a cousin asking if he had any interest in an extra groomsman. He’d already got four, but bloat was the name of the game.
Maddy remained on the terrace a moment longer.
She had not fought for the greenhouse. Why hadn’t she?
Why had she just let him make this call?
She didn’t want Hawthorne Manor. It was too much.
It was all too much. All this money, all these people.
She wasn’t this person. She’d never been this person.
Maddy wondered if she could say, ‘I think I made a mistake.’ No. Of course she couldn’t. It was past that point. It had been past it for years.
She re-entered the party, pulled in quickly by well-wishers. She was folded into photographs, angled between relatives, her ring hand subtly positioned forward.
‘Tell them about the venue,’ Hannah urged, dragging her toward another cluster of guests.
Maddy inhaled. ‘We’re getting married at Hawthorne Manor,’ she said.
‘Oh, wow.’
‘The lawns there are unreal.’
‘So grand.’
***
Later, a thousand goodbyes were said, and Maddy was free.
‘Tired?’ Adam asked, appearing beside her with car keys in hand.
‘A bit.’
He kissed her temple. ‘You were wonderful tonight.’
‘Glad I gave good bride,’ she said.
Adam looked at her. ‘That’s not what I meant.’
Maddy laughed quickly. ‘No, I know. Sorry, I think I need to go to sleep.’
He nodded. ‘Sure.’
Maddy slipped into the passenger seat and fastened her seatbelt.
Then, before she could overthink it, she opened Eva’s thread. Her thumbs hovered over the keyboard. Engagement party tonight, she typed. She didn’t send it.
Instead, she locked the screen and slid the phone back into her bag. Eva was not her friend. Eva was her wedding planner.
Hawthorne Manor awaited. Everything would be impeccable. It was a good choice after all. Everyone was right. She’d almost made a mistake. Adam would look right there. She could picture him perfectly.
And yet, somewhere in the quiet part of her mind, the inevitable question arose.
But where are you?