Chapter 35
Thirty-Five
Maddy woke in her mother’s house on her wedding day. For a few seconds, she lay still, tired, wondering how she would do this. But the answer was simple. She just would.
She got up to a house that was already buzzing. Her mother was in the kitchen, looking psychotic.
‘It’s here! Your wedding day.’
Hannah appeared from behind her. ‘Hi, lazybones. How’s the bride?’ she asked brightly.
‘I’m up,’ Maddy said, a thin boast.
It wasn’t a joke, but it made everyone laugh. The atmosphere felt celebratory and affectionate. Maddy wished she were in it.
Maddy allowed herself to be guided into a chair while someone curled her hair and another person painted her nails a soft, neutral shade.
She watched herself transform in the mirror, becoming a version of the bride everyone expected. Mary was next to her, frowning at the updo she was getting.
Her phone buzzed with messages from Adam, full of heart emojis and nervous jokes. She replied automatically, telling him she loved him, telling him she was excited. Best to get things started right, even if it was a lie. She could make it true later.
When it was time to put on the dress, the room fell reverently quiet. Layers of lace and tulle settled around her. Her mother wiped away happy tears.
Maddy looked in the mirror and almost didn’t recognise herself.
‘You look exactly how you’re supposed to,’ her mother said proudly.
The words lingered as they drove to Hawthorne Manor in the carriage. It was a bumpy ride and smelled of horse shit.
As they pulled up, Maddy’s eyes flitted, searching for Eva. No sign. Jen was waiting, along with the photographer, who was papping the shit out of her.
Jen guided Maddy out of the carriage and to a small preparation room with Hannah and Mary, as well as her mother.
Maddy was seated, and her mother fussed with the veil. Hannah adjusted her jewellery. Someone handed her a glass of champagne.
‘You’re glowing,’ Hannah said.
‘So does radioactive waste,’ Maddy replied.
Laughter filled the room, and Maddy wanted to scream, ‘What’s funny about that?’ Instead, she took a sip of room-temperature champers.
A knock on the door signalled ten minutes until the ceremony.
The room quieted. Her mother hugged her tightly. ‘Enjoy your moment,’ she whispered.
Maddy nodded, and a giggle escaped.
‘Nerves,’ her mother assured her.
When the bridesmaids left to line up, Maddy found herself alone for a rare moment of silence. She sat down, hands trembling slightly.
The door opened softly. Eva stepped inside. ‘You look beautiful,’ she said.
Maddy looked up at Eva, and she wanted to say the same. Instead, she said, ‘I hate this dress.’
Eva closed the door quietly and moved closer. But not too close. ‘You’re pulling it off anyway.’
Maddy swallowed. ‘It’s too stiff. Why didn’t I get the one I wanted?’
Eva sighed. ‘Breathe, Maddy. You’ve spent a year and a lot of money, leading up to this. You’re allowed to panic. But everything is good. Everything is ready.’
‘I feel like running,’ Maddy said, surprising herself.
Eva crouched slightly so they were at eye level. ‘Really?’
Maddy shook her head. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know.’ Tears threatened but didn’t fall. ‘I’m not going to run.’
‘It’s almost time,’ Eva said quietly.
Maddy stood slowly. They faced each other in silence, the air thick.
Maddy noticed every detail: the dark sweep of Eva’s hair pinned loosely at the nape of her neck, soft strands escaping around her face; the sharp line of her collarbone above the deep green silk of her dress.
Her dark eyes, steady and unreadable, were almost black in the low light.
‘Thank you,’ Maddy said. ‘For everything.’
Eva nodded once.
The music started outside, a soft instrumental cue signalling the ceremony’s beginning. Maddy reached for the door handle.
But then she dropped her hand. She turned. ‘Last looks?’ she asked Eva.
Eva nodded and lifted her veil carefully. They looked at each other directly, inches apart, Eva still holding the veil in her hands.
‘Exquisite,’ she said sadly.
Maddy’s eyes dropped to Eva’s mouth. It was a terrible, devastating mistake.
Months of restraint snapped all at once as Eva caught her face with both hands and kissed her with startling force.
Maddy met it with equal passion. Eva’s thumbs pressed against Maddy’s cheeks while Maddy’s fingers twisted into the front of Eva’s dress, pulling her closer until there was no space left between them.
Maddy could feel every millimetre of Eva’s body against hers, and it thrilled her beyond measure.
Eva backed her against the vanity table without breaking the kiss.
The edge pressed into the backs of Maddy’s thighs as bottles rattled softly beside them.
Eva’s hands slid shakily from her jaw to her waist, holding onto Maddy for dear life as they kissed each other with a passion neither had ever known.
A knock sounded sharply at the door.
‘Maddy? It’s time.’
Maddy and Eva pulled back instantly, panting. The space between them rushed in, cold and sharp. They stared at each other, breathing hard. But Eva didn’t reach for her again.
‘You don’t have to go out there,’ Eva said softly, though Maddy hadn’t moved.
Maddy’s lips parted, but nothing came out.
Outside, the music swelled. Everything is ready. Everything is waiting.
Maddy took a step back. Then another. ‘Yes, I do,’ she said, her voice barely audible. ‘I can’t ruin everything.’
Eva flinched. ‘And this isn’t ruining you?’
Maddy looked at the floor. ‘Please don’t,’ she begged. ‘Just let me go.’
Eva looked at her for a long moment. ‘Fine,’ she said finally.
Maddy turned and looked in the mirror at her smudged lipstick. She dabbed at it with her fingers, doing a quick touch-up. And then she turned away and walked to the door, not daring to look at Eva again.
‘Will you be okay?’ she said at the door, not turning around.
‘Will you?’ Eva replied.
Maddy sighed. She lowered her veil. Then she opened the door and stepped through, the taste of Eva still on her lips.