Chapter 49
Forty-Nine
Maddy stepped out onto the grounds, her scuffed-as-fuck shoes destroyed further by mud as she moved away from the house, beyond the neat hedges. She didn’t stop walking until she couldn’t hear people yelling anymore.
Maddy realised her hands were still shaking.
‘I can’t,’ she said again, checking to see if she’d really said it the first time. But the words still felt real. And hers.
‘God,’ she muttered. ‘I actually did that.’
And then the Mary thing. Maddy’s face scrunched slightly, the absurdity of it catching up with her all at once.
‘Mary,’ she repeated, incredulous.
Of all the possible disasters… Adam had slept with her because he felt uncertain about getting married. Well, he’d had Maddy good and fooled! If Mary had it right, he was just as lost as she was.
It didn’t fit the version of him she’d built in her head. Steady Adam. Reliable Adam. The man you could trust to show up, to do the right thing, to definitely not sleep with your colleague at your engagement party.
Maddy should have felt worse about that. Hurt or betrayed? Nope. Wasn’t there.
This was a gift. Maddy had made the right call. Neither of them wanted to marry the other. They’d both been performing for one another. How close she’d come to making that performance last a lifetime…
If it hadn’t been for Eva Givens.
Maddy had thought it was stress, nerves. That was how much she’d been baffled by something that was… What was the word?
Oh. Right. Real.
‘I need so much fucking therapy,’ Maddy muttered to herself.
‘You and me both.’
Maddy turned.
Eva stood a few steps behind her.
For a second, they just looked at each other. Then Maddy nodded towards Hawthorne Manor. ‘So that was fun.’
Eva smiled. She stepped closer, cautiously, like she wasn’t entirely sure what version of Maddy she was approaching. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked.
‘No,’ Maddy said, because there wasn’t much point pretending anymore. ‘But also… yes? Which is weird.’
Eva nodded, like that made perfect sense. ‘I can relate.’
They both looked back at the house for a moment.
‘I didn’t know about Mary,’ Eva said carefully.
‘No,’ Maddy replied. ‘That was new information.’
‘You’re not…?’ Eva hesitated. ‘Upset?’
Maddy considered that. ‘Not in the way I’m probably supposed to be,’ she admitted. ‘I mean, it’s objectively not great. But the whole thing feels like confirmation of something I’d already not quite realised.’
Eva watched her closely. ‘About Adam?’
Maddy shook her head. ‘About me.’ She paused. ‘Do they do classes?’
Eva was confused. ‘For what?’
Maddy shrugged. ‘Lesbianism.’
Eva started to choke on nothing. ‘What?!’ she eventually managed to splutter out.
‘I’m just so behind, you see,’ Maddy explained. ‘I thought maybe there was somewhere I could get caught up on all the, I don’t know, the basics?’
Eva stared at her in baffled amusement. ‘What do you think you’d need to learn?’
‘I wouldn’t even know what I need to know, would I? I’m a day-one amateur,’ Maddy said.
Eva started to laugh. ‘God, Maddy.’
Maddy tutted. ‘What am I saying? There’ll probably be something at the library that will get me up to speed.’
Eva laughed even harder. ‘Please stop. I will pee if you keep going.’
Maddy smiled. ‘I like your laugh.’
‘I like how you make me laugh,’ Eva said.
Maddy’s heart jumped in her chest.
‘Maddy,’ Eva said, more carefully now, ‘about earlier. About what you said—’
‘Which part?’ Maddy cut in. ‘There have been quite a few revelations today.’
‘The part where you said you…’ Eva stopped, recalibrated. ‘You needed me.’
Right. That.
‘Ah, yes. My verbal diarrhoea on the landing,’ Maddy sighed. ‘That feels about a hundred years ago.’
‘It was about ten minutes ago,’ Eva informed her.
‘I meant what I said,’ Maddy said, feeling silly and not caring.
She was trying the same thing again and hoping for a different response, and anyone could tell you that was the definition of insanity.
But Maddy felt ready to get crazy. What else was there left to do but throw it all against the wall?
Eva looked down briefly, jaw tightening like she was arguing with herself. ‘You saying things like that,’ she said quietly, ‘is really not helping me be sensible.’
Maddy blinked. ‘Sensible?’
‘Yes, sensible.’ Eva gave a tiny laugh, though it sounded strained. ‘Because this is objectively a terrible time for me to tell you that every time you walk into a room, I forget what I was doing.’
Maddy’s breath caught.
‘Or that I’ve spent the last months trying very hard not to think about you too much. Which obviously went brilliantly.’
‘Eva—’
‘No, let me finish, because if I stop now, I don’t know if I’ll start again.’ She exhaled shakily. ‘I’ve been telling myself I could handle this. But then I looked at you this morning, in that room, before the first wedding, and I lost my mind.’ She stopped, swallowing hard.
Maddy stared at her, suddenly terrified to move in case this vanished.
Eva laughed under her breath. ‘God, I’m so angry with you, actually.’
‘Me?’
‘Yes. You were supposed to be getting married. I had a plan. A very good one. I was going to keep being me.’ Eva smiled despite herself. ‘And then you had to go and ruin it by being funny and kind and looking at me like that all the time.’
Maddy’s chest felt almost painfully full. ‘Oh,’ she said quietly.
Eva’s eyes searched hers cautiously. ‘I don’t know what happens after today,’ she admitted. ‘Everything’s a mess. And I know this is complicated, and probably insane timing, but—’
‘Eva.’
‘What?’
‘You’re rambling,’ Maddy realised, delighted.
Eva looked horrified. ‘I’m having an emotional crisis, Maddy.’
‘Yeah, but it’s a really lovely one.’
That made Eva laugh again, softer this time. Her shoulders loosened slightly.
Maddy took a step closer. Then another.
The wind shifted around them, carrying faint sounds from the house. Somewhere in the distance, somebody yelled something about cutting off the booze supply. The world was still moving, somehow, despite the fact that Maddy felt like hers had tilted entirely onto a new axis.
Eva looked at her like she was something precious and dangerous all at once. ‘You have no idea,’ she said softly, ‘how badly I want to kiss you right now.’
Every nerve ending in Maddy’s body lit up. ‘Well,’ she replied, voice slightly breathless, ‘I did just call off a wedding. I think I’m allowed one mental breakdown activity.’
Eva let out one startled laugh, and then she was moving towards Maddy. Her hand slid against Maddy’s jaw carefully at first, giving her every possible chance to pull away. Maddy leaned into it immediately.
And then Eva kissed her, making a sound against Maddy’s mouth like she was letting go of something she’d been holding onto for her entire life. Maddy’s brain ceased functioning. All she could process was warmth and relief and Eva, Eva, Eva.