Chapter 14
Maddox
My adorable oldest nephew, Luke, has fallen asleep on my chest, and it’s possibly the cutest thing that I’ve ever seen.
He’s a sturdy little guy, full of life and energy. His interests include knocking over building blocks, jumping off couches, pretending to be an airplane, and reducing grown-ass men to rubble. If there was some way to harness the energy given off by a toddler, we could go green overnight, I’m sure.
I’ve spent the afternoon and early evening with him here at Nathan and Mel’s place.
We’ve played, watched cartoons, eaten snacks and dinner, and played some more.
No matter what I did, he seemed to keep going.
Then suddenly, mid-discussion about his favorite dinosaur, he fell asleep.
Clambered up onto me and conked right out.
He’s been there, snoring and spluttering, for the last hour.
It’s fucking adorable, but now I’m desperate for the restroom and don’t want to move in case I disturb him.
How the hell do parents do this every day?
It gives me a newfound respect for them.
The door opens, and I hear Mel and my brother coming down the hallway.
They had an appointment with Henry’s pediatrician for a check-up late this afternoon, so I offered to help out.
After assuring them I was fine when they called earlier, they made the most of the good weather and went for a walk around Central Park with the baby in his stroller, followed by an early supper.
The three of them come into the room, Mel and Nathan holding hands with Henry asleep in his stroller. Also cute. They stand and stare at me with bemused looks as I’m trapped on the couch. Nathan smirks. “Aw look. I think he’s broken.”
Mel laughs and comes over to gently lift my sleeping nephew from me. He briefly wakes, rubs his eyes, and goes straight back to sleep. She disappears off to settle him for the night. I stand and stretch the parts of me that have been cramped up. Without a word I go to the bathroom.
When I return, Nathan is grinning at me. “Nobody ever tells you about that,” he says. “The way you need superior bladder control skills once you have a kid. Thanks for that, bro. We had a great time. And I think the pigeons in the park appreciated not having Luke chasing them around for a change.”
“No problem. What are you guys up to the rest of the evening?”
“Nothing at all,” whispers Mel, bustling back into the room to get the also sleeping baby. “Apart from being very, very quiet and hoping these two don’t wake up until morning.”
She yawns. Not a lot of sleep to spare when you have two young children, I guess. “Why don’t you two go out for a drink? Honestly, I’m just going to crash.”
Nathan raises his eyebrows, obviously pleased at the thought, and less than twenty minutes later we’re sitting in front of a neighborhood bar, him with a beer and me with an OJ. “You’re good with kids,” he says, as we watch the world go by. “You should maybe have some.”
I laugh at the thought of having my own little bundles of energy one day. “Right. Being celibate doesn’t help with that. But, yeah I think I’d like that, one day. Maybe.”
I have no idea what my life will look like ‘one day.’ For now, I focus on taking each day as it comes—on staying well, physically and mentally.
I take care of myself so that I can take care of others.
Looking too far ahead is like looking too far into the past. Pointless.
I’m making some plans for my near future, like buying Sally’s place, but beyond that it’s a mystery.
I’m just grateful for being clean, being healthy, and having a full life.
For my peace. For my family and friends.
An image of Ellie comes into my mind, and I automatically smile.
“And what’s that about?” Nathan asks, raising his beer at me. “That smile right there?”
I shake my head. “There was no smile. You must have imagined it.”
“I don’t think so. That was one of those smiles. The kind I get when I think about Mel.”
Do I think about Ellie like that?
Shit.
He is right. I just don’t want to admit that to myself, because then it becomes all too complicated. I’m celibate for a reason. She and I are just friends for a reason. I value what Ellie and I have, treasure it even. I don’t want to fuck it up by…fucking.
“We’re not all like you, Nathan. We’re not all built to settle down and populate the planet. I love my nephews and my niece, and I’m so fucking happy that all of you have found your person to spend the rest of your lives with. But that doesn’t mean it’s the right path for me.”
“Why not? Just because you’re celibate now doesn’t mean you always have to be, does it? Besides, you don’t need to be married or whatever to have kids. I’m just saying, you’d be a great dad. And you could always adopt if you stick by this celibacy thing.”
This celibacy thing. He doesn’t really get it.
None of them do. Maybe that’s my fault for not explaining it properly.
Or maybe they’re all so loved-up they simply can’t imagine a life without sex in it.
But it’s all part of how I need to live my life for right now.
With intention. I’m mindful of how easy it is for me to lose control, in so many ways.
I nod, thinking about what else he’s said.
I found myself having a similar conversation with Mason last year, before he met King.
And look how his life has changed in the past twelve months.
The eternal playboy is totally loved up and happier than I have ever seen him. Maybe they’ll even adopt someday.
Ellie’s younger siblings are adopted, and while she wasn’t officially adopted, she is very much a part of that family.
Her new family changed her life. I don’t know the whole story yet and that’s fine, but adoption is a great option and it gives some kids a chance at a better life. Maybe that’s in my future.
Would I want to do that alone, though? Would I be enough?
Nathan is staring at me, eyes narrowed. He’s one of the most perceptive men I’ve ever met. He has a real skill for reading people, which is one of the attributes that makes him such a terrific lawyer. “What’s wrong, Mad?”
I rub my face in my hands. If there is anything wrong, then burying it won’t help.
“I’m not sure anything is, Nathan. I suppose when I think about kids, I think about relationships.
The way mom and dad were. The way you and Mel are.
You have partnerships. You share everything, and that filters down into your family life, the way you parent.
It’s healthy. It’s secure. It’s going to make your kids feel so damn stable and safe.
And I’m not sure that’s something I can ever offer. I’m a fuck-up.”
He slams his beer down and looks annoyed. I hold up my hands because I get it, but I’m not being self-deprecating here. I’m speaking from experience. However, considering I hate it when Ellie talks about herself in a negative way, I can predict what he’s about to say.
“I’m not being down on myself, Nathan. I’m just being honest. You know better than anyone the things I did. The situations you had to get me out of.”
He shakes his head. “You’re not that person anymore, Maddox.”
“I am that person. I’ll always be that person. I’m just a different version of him now.”
“A better version. We’re so fucking proud of you, Mad. We’ve put the past behind us, and so should you.”
I know he means what he says, but I don’t completely agree with him. “I pawned Great-Grandad’s Navy watch.” Of all the shitty things I did back then, that is the one that comes back to haunt me the most. I did worse things, technically, but that’s the one I can never quite shake off.
He looks pained and sucks on his lip before he speaks. It’s one of his few tells—it means he’s thinking. “And I got it back. There was no harm done, Maddox. You were still practically a kid.”
“I was in my mid-twenties, Nathan.”
“Okay, well you were a mess. You’re not now. It was a mistake. Even Dad has put it behind him. Why can’t you?”
I still remember the day I snuck it out of the house.
That precious watch. It belonged to my mom’s great-grandfather, and she treasured it.
I was so deep in the hole of drugs and booze by that stage, I didn’t care.
My dad had put a block on my trust fund, thinking naively that that would stop me from abusing myself.
He clearly did not understand the way that addicts work.
I got a hundred bucks for the watch at a pawn shop.
It was worth much more than that, but it was the kind of place that didn’t ask questions.
I took the cash, got high, and then lost myself in the oblivion I so desperately craved.
It was only afterwards, coming down and shaking with remorse, that I confessed to Nathan.
My big brother took one stern, silent look at me, asked a few questions, and left the house.
He didn’t even yell, which is more than I deserved.
I deserved for him to beat the shit out of me, and perhaps that’s what I secretly was hoping for.
A different way to reach that state of oblivion.
He came back two hours later with the watch.
He hugged me tight, letting me sob into his shoulder.
He knew better than anyone what I’d gone through after I lost Yasmin.
He was the only one who knew what I’d done to avenge her, and he kept my secret.
Always. My Dad walked in on us right then and demanded to know what was going on.
I told him, blurted it out. Maybe looking for more punishment.
He lost the plot. Tore me a new one, told me some home truths I wasn’t ready to hear. We both said things we regretted, and it was right after that I left. Walked out.
My Dad hates how that all happened. He regrets the way he reacted and how we left things. But in a way it was exactly what I needed. I had to hit rock bottom, and leaving the family home and traveling allowed me the time and space I needed to recreate myself.
I smile at my brother across the table. He’s always had my back, no matter what.
“I don’t want to put it behind me. I need to live with the things I’ve done.
I don’t hate myself for them anymore, I promise you that, but I can’t pretend they never happened either.
They were all stepping stones to becoming who I am now, and I like who I am now. ”
He lets out an exasperated noise, swigs down some beer. “An annoying asshole is who you are now.”
“I know that. But I’m an annoying asshole who loves you.”
His lips twitch in a smile. “Love you too, Mad.” Then he clinks his bottle against my glass. Maybe he was right about some things. I can’t forget my past, but it’s time to give more thought to my future and what it could look like.