Chapter 20
Ellie
It doesn’t matter that Maddox took me to his dad’s house for dinner and introduced me to his family, including my bosses, as his girlfriend. Or that he held my hand the entire night. Also doesn’t matter that he grabbed my ass while he kissed me goodnight and told me he’d see me again tomorrow.
None of that matters because all my stupid brain is focusing on is the fact that he could have stayed over and didn’t. He could have asked me to go to his place, and he didn’t. His dad said we were welcome to stay there, but we didn’t. He walked away, and it’s messing with my head.
Was yesterday some kind of mirage? All the affection and the public displays thereof. Maybe he was confused because of the sex. It might have messed with his brain chemistry, put him in some kind of temporary state of insanity. Like a sugar rush, but sex.
Or maybe that’s just what it felt like for me.
Maybe it wasn’t even that great for him.
It was just the first sex he’d had in years.
Maybe that’s the kind of sex he always used to have.
I mean, those girls in Marrakech were always very complimentary about his skills, so he obviously rocked their worlds, too.
What if he simply forgot how good sex actually is, and now that he’s been reminded again he’ll go on seeking more and more of it, with women who are more experienced and more in his league than me?
What if I was simply his gateway sex?
If that’s the case, then I’ll have to spend the rest of my time at Jamestech learning secondhand about Maddox James’s sexcapades with a whole string of new York’s most eligible women.
I imagine our conversation now, where he gives me that adorable smile and tells me he’ll always be grateful to me for being the one that opened his eyes to the joys of physical intimacy again.
Right before he walks away, hand-in-hand with his date for the night, a size zero supermodel who hasn’t eaten a carb since she was eleven.
Then they’ll get married and have perfect babies and a perfect life, and I’ll just get some cats and take up crochet and read a gazillion more romantasy novels before dying alone smelling of mothballs.
Stop it, Ellie. Stop!
I take a breath, calm my racing thoughts, and remind myself that Maddox is a good guy.
He’s my friend. I’m overthinking right now because that’s what I do.
It’s like my superpower. I need to stop this emotional self-harming and remind myself of who I am and what I have come through in life.
All the things I’ve survived before this.
I’m a goddamn warrior, and I deserve love.
I deserve Maddox. I deserve amazing sex. I deserve the kind of orgasms that make me lose my mind. I deserve to be with someone who sees me for the amazing person I am. I hope Maddox does, but there is nothing I can do to control that right now.
Anyway, it will all be fine. It will all be great.
I keep on telling myself that as I finally drift off to sleep.
It’s almost lunchtime and I’ve not heard from Maddox yet. I resisted the urge to call or text him as soon as I woke up, because a girl doesn’t want to appear too desperate, right? I have my self-respect.
At least I did until mid-morning, when I sent him a text between meetings.
Nothing too heavy, just a hey, how are you kind of thing.
I tell myself it’s okay. That we’re friends.
I can’t remember the last time we went a whole day without speaking, and I hate the thought that the sex—or me saying I loved him—has ruined what we had.
I check my phone again. Still no response.
I know he’s not great with phones, but this has to be more than that.
Maybe the way he behaved in the aftermath was some kind of post-euphoric madness, the modern equivalent of smoking a cigarette.
Maybe with Maddox, it was a casual ‘hey, let’s go to dinner with my family. ’
Perhaps he did that because losing his celibacy was such a big deal. It’s possible that he wanted it to mean more than it did, to justify the choice he made.
Oh God. I’m just going round in circles, chasing my own tail. What the hell have I become?
I could scream, or punch something, but I don’t. What I need to do is get my head out of my ass and stop behaving like this. I, Ellie Madison, do not let men get under my skin this way. Not even men as fine as Maddox James. I am worth more than that.
I lift my chin, find some pride. Remind myself that I can be my own Goddess.
The soft tapping at my office door rudely interrupts my internal melodrama, and when I look up and find him standing there, I’m overwhelmed.
There’s a rush of emotions coming at me at once—joy, relief, anxiety.
Absolute uncertainty. None of which I would have felt before the aforementioned mind-melting sex.
Our eyes meet, and the smile he gives eases my nerves. Nobody smiles at someone like that if they’re about to break their heart.
“Hey, baby. Do you have time to eat some lunch with me?” He holds up a brown paper bag.
“Yeah, I guess I can make a little time,” I reply, as nonchalant as I can be. The truth is, I don’t even care what’s in that bag, I would happily eat sand if it meant spending time with him.
He closes my office door and comes inside, placing the bag of delicious-smelling food on my desk. “I messaged you earlier,” I say, still trying to appear as casual as possible.
“Fuck,” He winces. “I forgot to put my cell on charge last night. My battery was dead this morning and, uh, I guess I just thought I’d deal it with it later.
” That would explain the lack of contact, and while I might see it as a poor excuse from another guy, it’s a known fact that Maddox and cell phones are a recent phenomenon.
“I’m sorry if you felt like I was ignoring you, and I promise I’ll get better at the whole phone thing, baby.
I’ll get better at everything if you give me the chance. ”
The relief is enormous. I’m suddenly light and free again, and it’s actually scary how much I needed to hear his explanation and have his reassurance.
I step around the desk, right into his waiting arms. “That’s okay.
I know they’re new for you. It’s just…” I don’t exactly know how to verbalize what I’m feeling without sounding like I’m being possessive or clingy.
But I need to. I have to be honest with him, or this whole thing is doomed.
I don’t want yet another relationship where I have to pretend to be something I’m not.
I’ve never had to do that with Maddox before, and I don’t want to start doing it now.
“I understand, Ellie. Yesterday was huge,” he says, intuitively knowing what I need, or quite possibly he learned how to read minds at the same time he learned how to cook like a culinary genius.
“It was a big deal for both of us. I should have had my head in the game and been more mindful. If it’s any consolation, I’ve been wanting to see you from the moment I woke up, wishing you were still in my bed with me. ”
“Why wasn’t I? Or why, you know, weren’t you in mine with me? We could have woken up together, and I know this is still new and we don’t have to spend every moment together or anything, but I—”
He silences my babbling with a tender kiss.
“I had a meeting with the bank at nine this morning, and I really wanted to be on top of my game for it, baby. I know we would have barely slept if I spent the night in your bed, even if we’d have just spent hours talking.
I barely slept the night before, and I really just needed some sleep. I promise.”
I hum. “You did expend a lot of energy yesterday.”
His laugh ruffles my hair. “Yeah.”
“Did you sleep though?” Because I didn’t. I don’t add that last part.
He nods. “I had a stomach full of good food, a heart full of love and laughter. Mostly though it was because I spent the entire the day with the most amazing, sexiest woman on the planet who also happens to be my girlfriend now. I slept like a log, baby. Didn’t you?”
I wish I’d known all of that when I was overthinking myself into a frenzy. I shake my head.
Worry flashes across his face. “Did I rush into telling my family about us? Fuck, I should have known better, I was just so fucking excited about us. But I know that all of this puts a lot of pressure on you.”
“Pressure how?”
He shrugs and kisses the top of my head. “To make this thing between us work. I guess I don’t want you to feel that just because you re-deflowered me you now have some responsibility to stay with me if that’s not right for you.”
“That’s not why I couldn’t sleep. I thought that maybe you didn’t want to stay over because what we did was…
” I bite down on my lip. Here in the cold light of day, it sounds ridiculous.
Nothing about what he said or did yesterday indicated that was a one-off hookup, so why did I convince myself it was?
“Baby, I’m sorry.” He hugs me tighter. “If me not staying over made you feel rejected in any way, then that wasn’t my intention at all, and I fucking hate that I made you feel like that. I should have communicated better. Forgive me?”
“Of course I forgive you. I’m not sure there’s anything to forgive. And I do want this to work. It doesn’t feel like pressure at all. It feels totally right.”
I look up at him, and his smile lights up my world.
“It feels right to me too, El. But I also need you to know that whatever happens between us, even if you decide you want to go back to just being friends, I will never regret what we did. I get that my celibacy might make things feel complicated for you, but breaking that vow was my decision, and I chose to make it with no expectations and no agenda.”
I rest my cheek against his chest. “You are a truly wonderful human being, Maddox James.”
“I’m also sometimes an asshole, just to be up front.”
I poke him in the ribs. “You think I’m not already aware?”