Chapter 36
Ellie
We had dinner at Dalton’s last night. The whole family was there, and even though I decided to tell them about my past, it wasn’t overwhelming or intimidating at all. Every one of them was supportive and kind and loving. It was like being wrapped in a giant James family hug.
I’m starting to believe that this will not end in disaster. I’m also starting to think that I need to have a few sessions with my therapist again, because my father showing up has opened all kinds of old wounds that I thought were healed.
I hate the way he turned me into a scared little girl again. Paralyzed by my own fear, even though Keres’s words were ricocheting around my mind. Warriors don’t escape fear, they conquer it.
But in that moment, as Frank stalked towards me with his bad breath and his grubby hands, I didn’t feel like a warrior. I felt like a terrified fifteen-year-old girl. And that’s okay. That’s allowed. It does not make me weak to admit that I might need help.
I sure managed to find my fighting spirit when he threatened Maddox though, and I held it together until he left.
But since then, I’ve felt the aftereffects.
Shaking hands, dry throat, palpitations.
Not feeling safe or trusting my own judgment.
Blaming myself for what happened to me. All are classic signs of trauma.
I know them and I recognize them, and I will speak to my therapist, Dr. Patel, about it.
She helped me before, and it looks like I need a bit of a refresher.
I guess you’re never quite over that kind of deep-seated damage. It’s why Maddox still needs to go to meetings even though he’s been clean for so long. We are, and always will be, works in progress.
“That’s okay,” I say out loud to myself in the mirror.
Positive affirmations used to be a staple of my daily routine.
I need to start them up again. “We will be works in progress together. We will be old and senile, using our canes and walkers to get to meetings and therapy sessions. Then we will come home and have spectacular geriatric sex where we’re very careful not to break our hips. ”
“What did you say, baby?” Maddox’s voice floats through to me. “Did you say sex?”
A second later he’s in the bathroom, sliding his arms around my waist.
“I was doing some affirmations.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Affirmations about sex? I can get on board with those.” He pulls back my hair and kisses my neck, and then a soft moan rolls in my throat.
I look like crap, tired and washed out. The internal stress is definitely manifesting on the outside, but Maddox is still treating me like I’m a goddess.
His goddess. “How are you holding up, baby?” he asks, eyes meeting mine in the mirror as he rests his chin on top of my head.
“Still a little shaky, but I’m mostly okay,” I tell him honestly.
Nathan’s visit yesterday really helped. He has this way about him, so calm and yet so authoritative, that made me believe him when he said he’d handle it. I don’t want to have contact with my father ever again if I can avoid it.
The way the rest of the James family rallied around me was equally amazing.
Elijah and Mason told me to work from home for a few days, and while ordinarily I wouldn’t take them up on such an offer, it is nice to stay cocooned in Maddox’s cozy apartment.
I might not have been lucky with my biological father, but I really hit the jackpot family-wise when you think about it.
Not just because of my wonderful little brother and sisters, but with my adopted Chicago and New York families.
“I’m here for whatever you need, okay?” he says, pressing a gentle kiss on the top of my head.
“I know you are. Right now, though, I need to make myself look semi-presentable for a Zoom call.”
He flashes me a sexy grin. “You look beautiful.”
I grin back, unable to resist pressing my ass back against him, where I feel his already semi-hard cock. “And you look like a distraction, Maddox James. No time for that right now, sir. I’m a professional woman, and I have to work, so stop looking at me like you want to fuck me over this vanity.”
He hums softly. “You always look so fuckable though, baby.”
With a cheeky wink and a swat on my ass, he leaves me to finish getting ready.
I tidy my hair back and give myself a smile.
Everything will be okay. I am safe. I am loved.
I am strong. And I have a gorgeous man right there in the next room.
Maybe his kind of distraction is exactly what I need right now—at least after my meeting, anyway.
It’s real difficult to maintain high levels of anxiety when you’re going blind from world-class orgasms.
This is a superb plan of action, one that my therapist would undoubtedly approve of.
A plan which I’m about to share with Maddox when my phone beeps.
That never used to bother me, but now it makes my nerves jangle.
I pick it up like it’s poisonous, and perhaps it is, because it’s a message from him.
From the sperm donor who created me and then abused me.
Nathan was right. he doesn’t deserve the title of ‘father.’
With hands trembling, I open the message. It’s a photo, an image of a smashed-up hotel room with blood spattered walls. My heart stops.
A second later the text message comes through too.
Thought you’d ignore me, sweetheart? I hear my parole officer is looking for me. How do you think he’d react if I showed them this? Did you know that boyfriend of yours killed a guy? Milton Travis was just a kid. And your boyfriend got away with actual murder, sweetheart. Until now.
I can’t breathe. Suddenly Maddox’s bathroom feels tiny. There’s no air in here at all. How can Frank know about that? And where the hell did he get this photo from? Of course pictures can be doctored, and there’s no actual proof there that Maddox did anything, but how does he even know.
Fingers quaking, I type out my reply.
You’re insane. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I guess he hasn’t told you about his sordid past then, huh? But unless you want me to tell the cops everything I know, you’ll do as I ask.
That photograph proves nothing. Lorenzo cleaned up the crime scene. Even if there was evidence, which is unlikely given my uncle’s reputation, it would be long gone.
And in case you’re wondering if I’m bluffing, I have receipts, sweetheart. Enough to put that fuck in jail for the rest of his life.
Liar. I type back my reply.
Are you willing to take that chance?
Maddox James, the sweetest, kindest, most caring man in the whole world. The man I adore more than anything. I would die before I let my father hurt him.
I no longer care about bad publicity, or giving in to blackmail, or whether Frank will come back for more. All I care about is Maddox not going to jail. I cannot let this happen. I cannot let Maddox be a victim of his evil world and twisted schemes. My anger is what fuels me now.
What do you want?
I want you, sugar. We have a lot of catching up to do.
You, for the information I have on your boyfriend.
We can talk properly. I’ll send you a time and place.
Just remember, if you tell anyone at all, I’ll send what I have straight to the cops.
It’s him or you. Your choice, Ellie. Do we have a deal?
I know I can’t trust him, but what else can I do? I can’t let this happen. I have to protect Maddox, no matter what it costs.
Yes, we have a deal.
I thought so. You always were daddy’s good little girl. If you tell that bastard Nathan James, or that bitch in Chicago, I will know. And I will punish you for it, just like I always did. And I’ll punish your little boy toy even harder. Understood?
Yes. Understood. He will try and destroy Maddox, I have no doubt. He has no compassion in his heart for anyone but himself.
I hear Maddox moving around outside, and he knocks on the door. “You still okay in there, baby?”
I pull myself together. Gulp in some air and give myself a pep talk.
Maddox has kept me by his side since this all started, and I’ve been grateful.
He’s made me feel safe and secure and loved.
But now isn’t the time for any of that. Now is the time to be a warrior, for his sake.
If that means I have to lie to the man I love more than anything, then that’s what I have to do.
I open the door, flash him a huge smile. “All good. Just, uh, I got my period. Now I have cramps.”
He frowns. “You’re early.”
God, I love and hate that he knows that information.
Now his expression is one of concern. “I’m sorry, baby. You want me to get you a hot water bottle?”
It breaks my heart how sweet and genuine he is.
He’s just the very best man ever, and I’m about to do something that I know will hurt him.
It doesn’t matter, I tell myself. This is to protect him.
He’d do the same for me without a second’s pause, and he will understand in the end.
I can’t risk telling him because he’ll talk me out of it and probably call the cops on himself.
I can’t tell his family, or my mom, or anyone at all.
Not with Maddox’s life in danger. It’s not worth it.
I wrap my arms around my stomach and act like I’m in pain. It’s not hard because I am. Just a different kind of pain. “It’s real bad, Maddox. I think maybe it’s all the stress.”
“Of course. Tell me what I can do for you. Anything at all.”
I pretend to think it through, even though I already know exactly what I’m going to ask for. “Do you have any Tylenol, maybe an Advil? We left my place in such a hurry, I didn’t bring everything I needed with me.”
I know for a fact that he doesn’t keep drugs in his apartment, even the relatively benign ones I asked for.
But I also know that he will want to do anything he can to help me.
“No, baby. I could go get some, but I don’t really want to leave you.
Maybe I can ask Mel to call round with some? You need any products, too?”
Damn. I should have guessed he’d come up with a sensible solution.
I groan and let tears fill my eyes. Again, that is not difficult.
It’s a relief to let them fall. To release some of the raw emotion I’m carrying right now.
“I’m not sure I can wait that long Maddox.
And I’d go myself, but I have my meeting. ”
Worry flickers across his handsome features. I feel like such an asshole for deceiving him. He reaches out and strokes the side of my face. I hold his hand to my mouth and kiss his palm.
I don’t even know when I’ll see him again. I don’t know what Frank has planned for me. I don’t think he’s going to harm me, at least not fatally. I suspect he only really wants me for the dollar signs that light up in his eyes.
But I don’t know that for a fact. Anything could happen. Anything, like Frank telling the cops what he knows. If he even knows anything.
I cannot take that chance.
But what if that means this is the last time I’ll be standing here with Maddox like this? What if he never forgives me for lying to him?
“I love you Maddox,” I say simply. “You know that right?”
He holds me in his arms and kisses the top of my curls as I cry into his firm chest. “I know that, baby. And I love you. It’s all going to be okay. You know that too, right?”
I nod, even though I don’t know that. “I know. It’s just been a lot. And these cramps are really painful…the worst I’ve ever had.”
He pulls away, wiping my tears with the pad of his thumb. “Okay. I’ll run to the store. I’ll be gone ten minutes tops. Keep the door bolted and your phone on. I’ll take mine just in case you need me.”
I’m filled with relief and despair. “Thank you. So much.” For everything.
He smiles. “No problem. You want some ice cream while I’m there, some Cherry Garcia? Then I can whip up some chocolate chip cookies to go with as soon as I’m back.”
Ah. He knows me so well. I’m always partial to Cherry Garcia during my period, and Maddox’s cookies are to die for. Under any other circumstances, I’d be so happy to snuggle together on the couch, watching a movie or a nature documentary, nibbling my comfort food and spending time with him.
Will I ever get to do those things again?
“Yes please. That sounds perfect.”
He grabs his phone and his card, pauses at the door, and gives me one last look of concern. “You sure you’re okay, baby?”
“Absolutely,” I lie, managing a small smile. “Now scoot. This girl needs her ice cream.”