Chapter 20 Zeke
twenty
Zeke
Can I ask you something?”
We’re lying in Avalon’s bed, drawing lazy circles on each other’s skin. Me on her back, her on my chest.
“What’s up?” She pushes against my chest to look up at me.
“You don’t have to answer this; I know we almost talked about it before, but” she pauses, “why don’t you do relationships? Why do you just do… this?”
I shrug. I don’t talk about my mom often, not even with the guys, and the last thing I want is for Avalon to feel pity for me in any way. She’s the only constant in my life who has no idea about my mom, and it’s nice.
That being said, it could come up. If something happened to my mom and I had to run out, I’d have to tell her.
“You don’t have to tell me.” She avoids my eyes as she sits up. “It was a stupid thing to ask, I just—”
“My mom’s sick,” I cut her off.
“Oh.”
“She has cancer,” I continue, sitting up against the headboard. “Sorry. It’s a mood killer. That’s why I didn’t tell you when you asked the first time. I don’t talk about it often.”
“Why?”
“Why don’t I talk about it?” She nods. “Because nobody hangs out with Zeke Harris to hear about his dying mom.”
“How do you know that if you never talk about it?”
“I don’t know; I guess I just don’t want people to only see me as the guy with a sick mom.”
“And you think opening up about it will make you that guy?”
“I don’t know.”
“How long has she been sick?” Avalon rests against the headboard beside me, leaving very little space between our bodies.
“Since I was in high school. We found out during my Sophomore year, I think. High school after that was pretty much a blur."
“So that's why you stopped doing relationships?”
I take a deep breath, “Yeah, she's the reason I don't do relationships.”
“Oh.” She adjusts so her body faces me more, almost like she’s telling me to go on, without saying a word.
“She didn’t get it,” I continue. “I loved her. I think I did, anyway. I was a kid; who knows if I even understood love at that age, but she was my everything. Then I heard about my mom. My whole world flipped upside down, and my mom’s health became my top priority, and she didn’t like that.”
Avalon grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.
“My mom’s health got really bad a couple months after we found out.
One night, she ended up in the ICU and almost died.
That same night, we were supposed to go to a concert for her birthday.
But when I got the call, all I could think about was going to this concert and getting back home to find out my mom was dead. ”
Her eyes soften, scooting closer to me.
“I told her I needed to be with my mom. She told me that I wasn’t the same guy she fell for. That I didn’t care about her the way I used to. I’m always choosing my mom over her, and if I wanted us to stay together, I needed to go to this concert. And if I didn’t go, we were over.”
“Fuck,” she mumbles. “I’m assuming you didn’t go.”
“No.” I let out a breathy laugh. “And for months, I blamed myself. I thought I was in the wrong and was just a horrible person. The guys helped me realize that I was going through something most people couldn’t understand.”
“And you haven’t been in a relationship since?” she asks.
“Nope. I don’t want to go through that again.
Being with someone who doesn’t understand that I take care of my mom.
Even though I’m in school, I see her most afternoons.
I’m there for all of her appointments. That’s my number one priority.
I want to make sure she gets better, and I don’t want to have to explain that to someone. They should just—”
“Get it,” she cuts me off.
“Exactly. So, this is just easier. Sure, I’ve pissed off a couple of hookups when I left before we were… finished.” Now, it’s Avalon who laughs. “But I don’t want to ever carry that regret. Knowing I could’ve said goodbye but was too wrapped up in a relationship and missed that chance.”
“What about your dad?” She adjusts her body so she’s sitting crisscross across from me. “Does he go with you to her appointments?”
“He’s not really around. He always tells me it’s because of work. He’s a lawyer, and with all of my mom’s medical bills, he says he has to work all these hours to ensure everything’s covered. Truth is, when we found out, he kind of shut down. It’s really just been my mom and me ever since.”
“That’s not fair to you,” she says. “You were a kid when you found out. He was a grown man. That never should’ve been on you.”
“I don’t mind it. It was hard in the beginning.
I remember not wanting to cry in front of my mom.
Because she was going through it. Sure, I had to carry the pain of possibly losing her, but she’s the one who had to go through all the surgeries and chemo and slowly lose herself.
I honestly—” I run my tongue across my bottom lip as I feel the tears rushing to my eyes.
This is definitely a new one. Crying in front of the girl I’m sleeping with.
Avalon scoots closer to me, wrapping her arm around my shoulders while her other hand holds mine.
“Sorry,” I whisper.
“Don’t be.”
“I don’t know who I’ll be if she doesn’t make it.” I force a laugh. “I’ve been caring for her for so long; I just don’t know who I am without that.”
“You’re Zeke.” She rubs my shoulder. “No matter what happens, you’ll be the same guy. The guy who cares for his mom. The guy who keeps all of this inside because he doesn’t want to burden his friends with his own pain. The guy who convinced this noncommittal girl to become his fuck buddy.”
I chuckle, suddenly feeling the pain roll off my shoulders. I rest my forehead against hers and take a breath.
“Thank you,” I mumble.
“For what?”
“For listening… when you didn’t have to.”
“I was the one who asked the question.”
“True. So, this awkward situation with you witnessing me tear up is your own fault.” I pull back. “Next time you ask me a question, I’m dodging it. I’m not going back down this path again.”
“Wait,” she says as I stand up. “I have so many more questions, though.”
“And I need to take a shower.”
“Zeke!” she yells after me, but I shut the door to her bathroom. “We’ll talk when you get out then.”
I laugh and turn on the water.
Have you just been waiting for me to get out of the shower?”
“I live here… remember?” Her lips purse. “Where was I supposed to go?”
“Good point. Sorry to just trauma-dump and go, but I gotta see my mom before visiting hours are over.”
“I understand.” She smiles, and it sends flutters to my stomach.
I’ve never had this feeling in my gut before… and I don’t know if I like it.
“Don’t think you got off from answering my questions, though.” I narrow my eyes at her. “I’m not gonna tell you why I don’t do relationships for you to get off easy and not have to answer the same question. It’s only fair.”
“I think we should end this thing.” She jokes. “We’ve had a fun run.”
“Ha ha.” I roll my eyes. “Seriously, I wanna know. I don’t know, but I feel like knowing will help me understand you better.”
“And you need to understand me, why?”
I throw my towel at her.
“You said it yourself; you have more questions. I won’t answer anymore until you answer one of mine.”
“Fine,” she begins. “I’ll think about it.”
“Whatever.” I pull on my shoes. “If I didn’t have an hour-long drive, I’d get it out with my amazing persuasion skills.”
“Is the hospital back where you used to live?”
“No, actually. It’s about an hour from there, too.”
“Why?”
“Best cancer hospital in Illinois.” She grins. “What?”
“I just thought you weren’t answering any more of my questions.”
“I really hate you sometimes, you know that?”
“No, you don’t.”
I grab my jacket off her dresser. “Has your bedroom always been pink?”
“No, I painted it since the last time you were here.” Her voice is oozing with sarcasm. “You’ve been here a few times and just now noticing my room is pink.”
“I’m usually a little too preoccupied to notice.” I wink.
“Get outta here.” She tosses a pillow at me.
“Alright, alright.” I open her bedroom door and shut it behind me on my way to her front door. Before I leave, I yell back to her, “Don’t miss me too much.”
The laugh I hear as I shut the door plays in my head the whole way to the hospital. I don’t even bother turning on music for the drive.
I don’t need to.