Chapter 18
Lucy shut the door behind Madeleine and Faith, then she filled the kettle and placed it on the Aga to boil. The kettle soon whistled to life. Once it was bubbling, she made a pot of tea and put it down in the centre of the table. She took a seat. Kyle did the same.
‘So, how are you doing?’ Kyle asked sheepishly.
She exhaled heavily. ‘I’ve been better, to be honest.’
‘What … er … happened to your mum?’
‘She collapsed outside the church during Nanna’s funeral. Typical Mum – she had to cause a drama.’
‘I’m sure she didn’t do it on purpose,’ Kyle said. ‘I bet she’s finding it tricky to manage her work, though, if she can’t get around the place too easily?’
‘Oh, actually, she got fired too.’
‘Your mum got fired?’ he repeated incredulously.
‘It’s a long story.’
‘Wow, it sounds like a lot has happened since I saw you a couple of weeks ago.’
‘Why did you come here?’ Lucy asked, wishing he would stop circling the issue and get down to the real reason for his visit.
‘I wanted to see how you were. I was worried about you. I’m really sorry, Lu, about everything. We need to talk.’
Her heart stumbled at the familiarity of his words; he was the only person who called her Lu.
‘I’ve just buried my grandmother, a woman who was more of a mother to me than my own mother ever was. Now really isn’t a good time.’
‘Well, when is?’
‘I don’t know.’ She shook her head. ‘Maybe never.’
‘I’ve come all this way, and I’m not leaving until we talk.’
‘Well, I don’t want to talk to you.’
‘I guess I’ll just have to stay here until you do.’ His fingers clenched the side of the table.
‘Don’t waste your time.’
‘I know you’re angry. You have every right to be, but if you just let me explain—’
‘Explain?’ she shrieked. ‘You said you thought we should take a break. It doesn’t get any clearer that that!’
‘A break from trying to have a baby. I didn’t mean a break from us; I guess I didn’t explain myself very well…’
‘No, you didn’t,’ she agreed.
‘I miss you, Lu. I miss you so much. The house is empty without you; the bed is too big. I even miss all your make-up being scattered around the sink.’ He cracked a smile at her and her heart twisted. It was a familiar complaint.
‘Well, maybe we both needed a break,’ she conceded.
He closed his eyes. ‘It just felt as though having a baby was all we ever talked about. Surely you noticed that things weren’t good between us? We lost our connection. I think all this baby stuff drove us apart.’
She felt as if he had taken a red-hot poker and branded her heart with it.
The pain she had suppressed over the last few weeks while she was caring for her grandmother rose up inside her, wild and unleashed.
The way he said it so casually, so carelessly.
‘Baby stuff’? He clearly had no understanding of the pain inside her heart.
Of how much she yearned to have a little one of their own.
Of the intense jealousy she felt when she had to sit through yet another friend’s baby shower or christening.
Of the anguish that ate into her when another work colleague announced their pregnancy.
Of how much time and mental energy trying to conceive a baby stole from her.
Of how the obsession crept into every waking thought and every facet of her life.
It was only since she had been away from Kyle and down in Inishbeg Cove taking care of Elizabeth that she’d had the time and space to think, to realise how much her longing for a baby had hijacked her life over the past few years.
‘So, it was all just me? I’m the only one who wants to have a baby?’
‘I did … I mean, I do – of course I do, I want nothing more than to have a family with you, but I hate what it’s doing to us.
It’s tearing us apart. I hate seeing you so stressed and disappointed every month because it didn’t happen once again.
I hate having to have sex on schedule rather than spontaneously, like we used to. I want us to be carefree again.’
‘Don’t you think I want that too?’ Her voice climbed higher. ‘Of course I do! But this is the hand we’ve been dealt. Somehow, we’ve found ourselves on this awful infertility journey and, if we want to have a baby, then we’ve no option.’
‘I’m just saying I don’t know if it’s worth losing what we have. It’s destroying our marriage. Even if it never happens for us, I think I’d be okay with it because we have each other – and that’s enough for me.’
She couldn’t believe she was hearing this. Why didn’t he want a baby as much as she did? Why wasn’t this as upsetting and as devastating for him as it was for her?
‘Y-you don’t want a baby?’ she asked incredulously. She felt alone, as if he had just washed his hands of it all, like she had been on a solo crusade all this time and he had grudgingly trailed after her. Had the past few years of their marriage been a sham? Did she really know him at all?
‘I love you, Lu. I love what we had before everything got … heavy.’
‘Well, having a baby is important to me.’
‘I guess I’ve been struggling because it’s er .… well, you know … I’m the problem.’
She felt her heart constrict, her anger dissolve. ‘I’ve told you before, we’re in this together. It is nobody’s fault.’
‘But that’s not true, is it? We both know I’m the reason you can’t get pregnant. Me and my bloody sperm that don’t seem to know what direction to go in.’ His tone was heavy with sarcasm and despair.
She felt sympathy soften her resolve. She got up and walked round the table to him, then placed a hand on his arm. ‘Please don’t blame yourself.’
‘It makes me feel like I’m not a real man, like I’m a failure.’ He reached out and wrapped her in his strong, muscular arms. How she had missed these arms, the security of his embrace.
‘Don’t say that, Kyle. It’s been a rough time for both of us.
’ Maybe she had underestimated how difficult this was for Kyle too.
She had just seen things from her point of view: she was the woman, the one who had to deal with her period arriving every month, not getting pregnant, but perhaps she could have been more supportive of Kyle and what he was going through.
They had let this awful, stressful situation come between them, and she hated what it had done to them.
Maybe she wasn’t the only victim here. ‘I guess we’ve a lot to work through… ’ she conceded.
But ultimately, they wanted different things. She didn’t think she could ever be happy if they remained childless – yet he seemed to be willing to accept that fate.