Chapter 22
Faith felt as though she had been watching the back door for hours waiting for Lucy to get home. She and her mum were sitting at the table sharing a pot of tea, both wondering how Lucy and Kyle were getting on. Finally, her sister appeared through the door.
Faith took in her sister’s crumpled face and knew it hadn’t gone well. As soon as Lucy entered the kitchen, she dissolved into tears. Faith jumped up from her chair and rushed over to her. ‘Oh, my goodness, are you okay?’ she asked.
‘Oh, my darling, come here,’ Madeleine soothed her, using her crutches to pull herself up from the chair. ‘What on earth happened?’
Lucy was sobbing so hard that she couldn’t speak through her tears.
Faith guided her down into a chair. Lucy inhaled sharply, trying to catch her breath. It was as if her lungs had seized up and she couldn’t find oxygen in the room.
‘It’s over. My marriage is over,’ she gasped, as though she couldn’t believe she was uttering the words.
‘There, there, love, take a deep breath,’ Madeleine urged. ‘And start at the beginning.’
Faith handed her a tissue. Lucy blew her nose and began.
‘Kyle said that he found trying for a baby really stressful and that we had lost our connection, and although I can’t argue with that and I hated the stress it put on our marriage, he says he doesn’t want to try for a baby, that he is happy to remain childless, but I’m not.
He suggested adoption or surrogacy! Can you believe he could be so insensitive? ’
‘Well, perhaps he just wants to try different options,’ Faith said sagely.
‘But I want to carry my own baby,’ Lucy wailed.
‘That’s okay,’ Madeleine said. ‘There are plenty of women who feel that way.’
‘He gave me an ultimatum. He told me we either stop trying to conceive or our marriage is over.’
Faith’s mouth fell open. ‘He said that?’
Lucy nodded. ‘He told me that he’s done – that he won’t do any more IVF.
’ Tears streamed down her face and Faith ached to see her sister so bruised.
‘I can’t let this go. I really want us to have a baby.
I feel like my life won’t be complete until I’m a mother, and now I’ll never get to experience that because our marriage is finished.
’ She sank her head into her hands and sobbed.
‘Now, take a breath, love,’ Madeleine soothed. ‘I’m sure he only said it in the heat of the moment; he didn’t really mean it. Kyle loves you – you’d have to be blind not to see it. The emotion just got the better of him. When he calms down, you’ll both figure this out, trust me.’
‘That’s the problem, Mum. I know he loves me and he said he’d be happy to still be married to me without children, but it’s not the same for me.
I can’t give up my dream to be a mum. I’d always wonder “what if” or regret that we didn’t do another round of IVF – who knows? The next one could work for us.’
‘I guess it’s like playing roulette: when do you decide to walk away or stay at the table and keep playing?
’ Madeleine shrugged. ‘You’re staying optimistic that it’s going to happen, but I can understand Kyle’s point of view too.
Is having a baby worth sacrificing your marriage for?
Because not only will you lose your chance to have a baby, but you’ll also lose the man you love. ’
‘But don’t you see? After today our marriage is over anyway. If I stayed with him, I’d always resent him.’ Lucy dabbed her eyes with her tissue.
‘Maybe both of you need a little space,’ Faith suggested.
‘That’s what we’ve been doing for the last couple of weeks!
I really thought when he turned up out of the blue, it was because he had reconsidered.
He knows how important having a baby is to me, and I thought he was going to apologise for being so flippant in his attitude, but instead he just threw down the gauntlet and is asking me to choose him over a baby! ’ Her voice was full of venom.
‘Maybe you could try counselling?’ Faith suggested.
‘Yes,’ Madeleine said, sounding relieved. ‘Faith is right – some marriage therapy will help you figure this out.’
Lucy lowered her gaze to the floor. ‘We already tried that and it didn’t help,’ she admitted. ‘I’m sorry I never told either of you, but I felt so embarrassed that we needed to resort to counselling.’
Faith sighed. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise that trying to have a baby was affecting Kyle so badly. I guess with infertility people tend to focus on the woman, but he must really have found it tough if he said those words today.’
‘It’s all going to be okay.’ Madeleine tried to force optimism even though her face was creased with worry. Faith knew her sister’s marriage was hanging on the edge of a precipice. She was barely clinging on. One wrong move and she would lose it forever.
Lucy shook her head stubbornly. ‘I can’t see how it will be. Both of us can’t be happy – one of us will have to compromise, and we each feel too strongly to do that.’
‘So where is he now?’ Madeleine asked gently. ‘Has he gone back to Cavendish Hall for the night? Perhaps after sleeping on it, he will come round, love. You’ll see.’
Lucy shook her head. ‘He’s already left, Mum. He’s gone back to Dubin.’
‘Oh dear.’ Faith and Madeleine exchanged a worried look over Lucy’s head. Things were worse than they had feared. This was bad. Very bad.