Chapter 33
Faith pushed open the kitchen door and saw her mother and sister’s anxious faces.
‘Oh, thank God,’ Madeleine cried. ‘Thank God you’re home.’ She hobbled over on her crutches and pulled her daughter against her chest, holding her so tightly that Faith couldn’t breathe. ‘Oh darling, I’m so sorry. I said some awful things earlier. I wish I could take them back.’
‘Why didn’t you answer your phone?’ Lucy scolded. ‘We’ve been out of our minds with worry.’
Suddenly Faith remembered her phone. She fished it out of her pocket and saw that it was out of battery. ‘Sorry, my phone is dead,’ she said numbly.
‘Please don’t ever do that to me again. My head went to all kinds of awful places,’ Madeleine went on.
‘You’ve been gone for hours,’ Lucy said.
‘I lost track of time…’
‘Where did you go?’ Madeleine asked.
‘I went up to the clifftop.’
Madeleine blanched. ‘What? Why did you go there? You weren’t going to—’ She couldn’t finish her sentence.
‘No, Mum.’ Faith sighed. ‘I would never do anything like that. I can’t explain it, but I just needed to go there. I needed to see for myself where he did it.’
‘I see… And did it help?’ Madeleine asked.
Faith shrugged. ‘Not really.’
‘Well, look, the most important thing is that you’re home now.’ Madeleine turned to her elder daughter. ‘Lucy, why don’t you put the kettle on?’
Faith blinked back tears. ‘That’s what Nanna would do.’
‘Oh, darling…’ Madeleine said. ‘I’m sorry.’
Lucy made the tea and the three of them sat down around the table.
‘How are you feeling?’ Lucy asked carefully.
‘I’m just so confused.’ Faith turned to her mother. ‘Everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down. Why didn’t you tell us about Dad?’
Madeleine shrugged. ‘I thought it was kinder to let you believe that he died from cancer rather than taking his own life. You were both so young. Even if I had tried to explain, you would never have understood mental illness or depression, so I just said your daddy was sick – which was the truth, anyway. It was only as you got older that you started asking me more detailed questions about him. You would ask me what illness he had or why the doctors didn’t have medicine to cure him.
One day I just said that he’d had cancer.
I only said it in passing, assuming that you’d forget about it, but you didn’t.
As time went on, I couldn’t undo it. The lie became engrained in our family.
I’m so sorry, I promise I never meant to deceive you. ’
‘But what about Nanna?’ Lucy asked. ‘How did you get her in on the act?’
‘It wasn’t like that, I promise you, Lucy. Elizabeth and I had always said the same thing to both of you about your dad being sick, and then I guess she just went along with what I had said about the cancer. I suppose it was easier for everyone that way.’
‘But we’re not children any more!’ Faith shouted. ‘You could have told us when we were old enough.’
‘I was afraid. The longer the lie went on, the harder it became to tell the truth.’
‘Were you ever going to tell us?’ Lucy took up the lead now.
‘I’m not sure,’ Madeleine admitted sadly.
‘But we had a right to know something like that! We share Dad’s genes! What if we ever felt low but didn’t recognise the signs and history repeated itself? At least if we had known, we’d be more aware of our medical history, more tuned into our mental health.’
‘You’re right. I should have told you,’ Madeleine agreed. ‘I never thought of it like that.’
‘I just don’t understand how nobody let it slip or none of the villagers ever mentioned it over the years. We spent every summer and Christmas in Inishbeg Cove. It’s like the whole world knew this secret that we were never privy to!’ Lucy went on.
‘There was such a stigma around suicide back then – there still is, to a certain extent, but back then people never spoke openly about it, so I guess none of the villagers wanted to risk upsetting you by bringing it up. It was probably easier all round to brush it under the carpet and avoid the topic. I really am so sorry.’ Madeleine clasped her hands together.
‘I guess I can understand why you did it,’ Lucy said.
‘Thank you,’ Madeleine said.
‘But what you said about Nanna earlier – that’s unforgivable.’
‘I’m sorry, I really am. I didn’t mean to upset you by speaking ill of Elizabeth. I was very fond of her and I respected her hugely.’
Faith looked at her sceptically. ‘It didn’t sound like it!’
‘I promise that what I said earlier was true. Elizabeth was devastated by the loss of her son; the circumstances of his death made it all the more cruel. Grief turned her into someone I didn’t recognise.
She was normally so mild-mannered, but grief made her so angry.
I’d never seen her like that before. She needed to lash out: she wanted something to blame, and I guess I was it.
When we found out about your father’s gambling debts, she turned that on me by saying I must have been pressuring him financially to live a lifestyle beyond our means.
She said he would never have got into debt unless he felt desperate, but I can assure you that wasn’t true.
Although money was tight, I don’t think I’d ever been so content.
I was happy with my lot. I adored being a mum and taking care of both of you.
I don’t hold any resentment towards your grandmother; I understand why she was like that – it was grief in its ugliest and rawest form.
She did apologise a few years ago, but I guess there was so much water under the bridge between us at that stage, we were never going to be close again.
I admired her and respected her greatly and I know she was a fantastic grandmother to you girls, and she helped me out hugely over the years, especially by taking care of you during the school holidays.
I would never have been able to climb so high in my career without her help.
I will always be indebted to her. She loved you girls deeply and loved it when you came to stay with her.
I guess she saw her son in you both, and being near to you helped to keep his memory alive.
She was a brilliant grandmother’ – she lowered her voice – ‘even if she wasn’t always the most compassionate mother-in-law… ’
Lucy reached out and put an arm around her shoulders. ‘Oh, Mum,’ she sobbed. ‘You’ve really been through it. I’m sorry.’
‘I’m sorry too, Mum,’ Faith choked out. ‘We had no idea what you went through back then.’
‘It’s actually a relief to have it all out in the open after all this time,’ Madeleine said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. ‘I hope you girls will understand and realise I only lied because I wanted to protect you. I did it out of love.’