Chapter 36
Lucy stood at the window, looking out across the headland. The emerald grass was shaded with a slate-grey sky where storm clouds threatened snow.
‘I can’t believe she’s really gone,’ Faith said, shaking her head despondently as they watched their mother’s taxi disappear around a bend. ‘I thought she had enjoyed spending time with us over the last few weeks. I really believed she had changed.’
‘So did I,’ Lucy admitted. ‘She had me fooled too. I thought her priorities had finally shifted, but clearly I was deluding myself. Now it seems as though she was just biding her time before running back to work.’
‘We should have known that work would always come first for Mum,’ Faith spat.
Lucy couldn’t bear seeing the sadness on her sister’s face. ‘Look…’ She tried to cheer her up. ‘Mum swore that she’d be back tomorrow, so we’ll still all be together for the big day. That’s the main thing. She’ll only be gone for one night.’
But it wasn’t just this time. They could each remember so many times their mother had let them down when they needed her.
And this reminded them of all those times.
Lucy vividly remembered being dropped off at boarding school at the age of twelve, and the crushing despair she had felt as her mother went to leave.
Faith had sobbed as she hugged her goodbye, and refused to get back into their mother’s car.
Lucy could remember how her little sister had clung tightly to her until their mother had grown frustrated and prised Faith’s fingers off her and told her it was time to go.
Lucy had had no choice but to put on a brave face for Faith’s sake, but inside she had been just as devastated.
It was only when she watched her mum drive back down the avenue that she’d allowed herself to cry.
She had been brutally homesick for the first few months, even though her mother phoned often and she was allowed home for a weekend once a month.
She began to hate going home because it meant she would soon have to prepare to say goodbye all over again.
It was almost easier to stay in school and just get on with it.
Whenever her mother called, she would put on a brave face and tell her she was having a great time, but she lied for Faith’s sake; she couldn’t bear to think of her little sister at home worrying about her.
Faith had joined her at the boarding school two years later, but that was far less traumatic because they had each another.
Although they were in different dormitories, the sisters banded together and school became a home away from home for them.
Lucy couldn’t help thinking about all the school plays and concerts she had performed in over the years, knowing her mother wasn’t in the audience.
She was always ‘too busy’ to make the time to come.
When Faith had been rushed to hospital with appendicitis, it was Elizabeth who had stayed in the hospital with her, not Madeleine.
This certainly wasn’t the first time their mother had let them down, so why was it such a disappointment?
Just then Lucy felt so tired, heavy and tired. Like the swollen clouds that threatened snow beyond the window, she couldn’t hold it together any longer. She flopped down on to the sofa.
‘Hey, what’s the matter?’ Faith asked, rushing over and sitting beside her.
‘It feels like everything is falling apart.’ Lucy choked back tears. ‘Maybe it’s my hormones, but I just feel like everything is going wrong, and then I feel guilty because for the last few years having a baby was all I wanted so why am I not happy? What’s wrong with me?’
Lucy knew that Faith wasn’t used to seeing her getting upset. Lucy was always the strong one, the one who held it together, while Faith crumbled when things went wrong – but now their roles had been reversed.
‘I’m sorry. I don’t like letting you see me like this.’ She tried to wipe away her tears but there were more to replace them.
‘Hey, stop that. You don’t have to be the strong one for my sake,’ Faith said, stepping into the role of comforter. ‘You always take care of me, so let me take care of you for a change. What is it? What’s wrong? Is this about Mum – or something else?’
‘It’s everything,’ Lucy sobbed. ‘Losing Nanna, Mum choosing work over us once again, and the situation with Kyle.’
‘Grief is the price we pay for love, unfortunately, but Nanna wouldn’t want you to be sad,’ Faith said softly.
‘I know,’ Lucy said, wiping her eyes again but, damn it, the tears kept coming.
‘There isn’t much we can do about Mum either,’ Faith went on. ‘We have to accept that she’s never going to change, but there is something you could do that might help you feel a little better about everything.’
‘What is it?’ Lucy asked, sniffing.
‘Why don’t you call Kyle and tell him that you’re pregnant? You might be surprised at how he reacts. There’s no point sitting here fearing the worst when it might never happen.’
‘Do you want the honest answer?’ Lucy blinked as she traced the embroidery on one of Elizabeth’s cushions with her finger.
‘Yes.’
‘Because I’m scared, Faith. I’m terrified that I’ll tell him I’m pregnant and he’ll still reject me.
Being pregnant is everything I ever wanted, but I always imagined that Kyle would be by my side.
If I tell him and he still wants to end our marriage, then all my dreams will be shattered …
and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face that right now. ’
‘Oh, sweetheart.’ Faith flung her arms around her sister.
‘Or what if he says he wants to try again, but it’s for the wrong reasons? What if he only wants to give our marriage another go out of a sense of obligation, not because he loves me?’
‘Or there is another scenario,’ Faith said gently.
‘What if this is the best news he’s ever heard and he’s overjoyed and excited about giving your marriage another go?
’ She took Lucy’s hand and stroked it to comfort her.
‘Kyle loves you; I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.
He’s one of the good ones. He didn’t want to break up with you.
I think he felt pushed to his limits by the stress of trying for a baby, but I don’t think it was because his feelings for you had changed.
Sometimes in love you have to take a risk.
If you wrap your heart up to keep it protected, how can the love get in?
Tell him, sis. I promise you that, no matter what happens, I’ll be here for you – good or bad, we’ll get through it.
Us Brennan sisters have gone through a lot together: even if the worst happens, you’ll get through this as well. You’re strong.’
Lucy wiped her nose with the back of her hand. ‘Okay.’ She took out her phone and dialled Kyle’s number.
Her heart stalled as the phone rang. She waited and waited, too fearful to take a breath, but Kyle didn’t pick up. Eventually she heard his familiar voice as the call went to voicemail. Her heart ached at the familiarity of his husky tones.
‘Hi, this is Kyle. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a message…’
Lucy ended the call and tossed the phone onto the sofa beside her in despair. ‘Do you think he’s ignoring me?’ she asked Faith, her eyes full of fear. ‘He could be screening my calls.’
‘Come on, Lucy, don’t catastrophise. Maybe he didn’t hear his phone. He could be out for a run, he could be in the shower. There are a million reasons he might have missed your call. Give him time. I’m sure he’ll call back soon,’ Faith replied.
‘Or he could be avoiding me,’ Lucy said dejectedly.
‘Stop being negative. Kyle wouldn’t do that. I’m sure he’ll be happy you called him and he’ll want to talk to you.’
Lucy nodded, but it was so hard not to let her head go to a dark place and imagine the worst.