Chapter 19 #2
Witnessing firsthand the devastation of a broken heart prevented me from fully opening to love until Tauren swept in, working hard to push through the walls of my guarded heart until he conquered them.
Finally, believing I had found a great, forever love, I agreed to move in with him.
From the start, he seemed distant, annoyed with everything I did.
Then I came home early from work one day and found him in our bed with some random woman.
After the disastrous relationship with Tauren, I might as well have dated a man like Canaan in college, since the man I chose would only hurt me in the end, too.
I believed that Tauren would be my husband one day, and his cheating had completely blindsided me.
Recovering from that betrayal had taken time, and I still wasn’t sure I had fully recovered.
Being a child of unhappily married parents only further weakened my belief in love.
These past two months in Miami have been a revelation in my perception of Canaan and me.
Being around Ms. Murielle reminded me of what I’d been missing in a mother, and I concluded that Canaan needed Ms. Murielle around for the same reason.
We both lacked the warm and gentle nurturing that only a mother could provide.
Through Ms. Murielle and spending time with Canaan, I learned that he and I were more alike than different.
We shared similar likes and values. What I assumed were personality clashes were our defenses.
We had trust issues and were always ready to protect our egos and hearts.
He’d lowered his guard, and I followed suit.
He was vulnerable with me, sharing his fears about the race and his concerns about his ability to win.
I also witnessed a softer, more understanding side of him.
Last night in the shower, he could have pressed me for sex, and I would’ve given in willingly.
My need for him overrode any reservations.
Yet, he sensed my doubt and unselfishly satisfied me with no expectations.
And tonight, he wanted to take me out. It would be our first date, and I was excited, as if it were my actual first date.
I hadn’t experienced the anticipation of spending time with a man whom I really liked in years, including Tauren.
Canaan evoked hope in a woman who’d stopped believing in the love she helped others find.
I grabbed my computer and settled in the great room, the sun’s warm rays shining through the glass ceiling, bathing my skin. Saraj answered on the third ring, and I smiled at my friend’s sleepy face. “Did I wake you? Don’t tell me your lazy butt is still asleep at eight in the morning?”
“Oh, my, geez. Why are you calling me this time of night?”
“It’s morning, silly,” I giggled. “Wake up. Wake up. Canaan asked me out on a date.” I had to tell someone, and Ms. Murielle wouldn’t understand because we were supposed to be engaged.
“You did not wake me up for that. You’ve been living with him for weeks in an amazing house on one of the richest islands in the world. Baby girl, you’ve been on a never-ending date this whole time.” He chuckled and wiped the sleep from his eyes before speaking to someone next to him.
I maneuvered my phone to see who was sleeping beside Saraj. “Who do you have next to you?”
“Shh,” he impatiently hissed as he climbed out of his bed. “Stop talking until I go to my living room.”
When I spotted the familiar abstract painting of Saraj on the wall behind him, I started talking again. “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.”
He waved his hand. “Just maintenance, but he doesn’t need to know that. Enough about me. Is Mr. Speed Racer taking you out to apologize for missing the live?”
“Probably. I should be angry that he could be so dismissive about my career. And then I think about what he’s doing, how he’s grinding, and how he’s making history every day.
What am I really doing? Helping people find love and giving them advice, like I really know what love is.
Imposter syndrome is real and hitting me right about now.
” I admitted quietly, “Yesterday, Dr. Radi told me I was up for an award for my research.”
“Congratulations, Kensie,” he whooped. “Why haven’t you posted it?”
I shrugged. “Guess I don’t want to jinx myself.”
Saraj narrowed his gaze. “Nope. Nope. I see what’s happening.
Don’t let Canaan make what you do less important.
What you do is relevant: for those people who love your work, who look forward to your posts, and for those you’ve connected with, you’re bringing joy and hope.
You ain’t no different than a lot of folks who give advice they don’t heed.
Heck, my doctor is overweight as he tells me to lose some.
You have the gift of gab and empathy. People trust and believe in you, which is why .
. . mic drop . . . You’re an influencer of over five million people.
Oprah started off poor, raised by a single father, with no college degree, and was working for a radio station at the age of fifteen.
Because she had a way with people and the media, look where she is today.
You may not be impacting the world like Canaan is right now, but we don’t know where all this may lead. ”
“And that’s why you’re my best friend.” I smiled. “I do miss you. You should take a trip here soon.”
“Ooh . . . Sounds fun.” He arched a brow. “Speaking of former best friends, have you heard from Emme yet. I saw her at Whole Foods, and this time, she didn’t speak. Guess she’s now mad at me by association.”
My happiness deflated like a pin stuck in a balloon. “No. She still hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts. You definitely know how to ruin my mood.”
He clucked. “That’s you staying stuck like she’s doing. She has a man, and you’re on your way to getting a man. If she values your friendship and her husband-to-be, she’ll forgive you and move on. Canaan was years ago. Can’t believe she’s so stank about this. Dang, is his pole game that good?”
“In her defense, yes. He makes me feel things I never felt, and we don’t claim each other. They were in a relationship, and from what I understand, she was his last girlfriend. Although he fucked it up, at one point, he loved Emme, and to be loved by him would be hard to get over.”
“The Canaan you know sounds a heck of a lot more mature than the one she knew. Girl, bye. I like Emme, but she’s tripping.” He paused. “A little work while you’re on the phone. What are your numbers looking like today?”
“Even better after Canaan and I went live this morning for breakfast. Canaan was so charming to the viewers, calling out some of them and laughingly rejecting the women who shot their shot while I sat beside him.” I chuckled, thinking about how he had firmly and politely reminded them that he was already taken.
“You love him,” Saraj’s dark eyes sparkled.
My giddy smile was erased immediately. “No, I don’t.”
“Look at that smile. I’ve never seen you glow.”