27. Why Do I Even Try – Lauren
27
WHY DO I EVEN TRY
LAUREN
I check my watch for the third time in as many minutes. Dakota's supposed to call any second now. Roman's engrossed in his favorite cartoon, a bowl of apple slices within reach. I've got maybe an hour before he needs my attention again.
As I wait, I can't help but smile, remembering our last night together. Dakota's promises, his tender kisses, the way he held me like he never wanted to let go. It feels like a lifetime ago, even though it's been just a couple of weeks.
His touring has kept him busier than we’d planned, and our daily calls aren’t daily anymore. Even texts are now few and far between, but I understand. I know how important this tour is for him and for the whole band. And from what I’ve seen online, they’re killing it.
I've been looking forward to this call all day. I even put on a little makeup and Dakota's favorite shirt of mine - the soft blue one he says brings out my eyes. It's not quite the same as having Dakota here, but it's something.
I answer the call with a bright smile, my heart doing a little flip as Dakota's face fills the screen. "Hey, you," I say. "I've been counting down the hours."
But the man on the screen doesn't match the Dakota in my mind. His hair is a mess, and there are dark circles under his eyes. He doesn't lean in close to the camera or give me that warm, crooked smile I've been dreaming about.
"Hey," he replies, his voice flat. "How's it going?"
My own smile falters. I'd prepared for this call, jotting down little anecdotes about Roman, questions about the tour, and ideas for staying connected. But faced with Dakota's apparent disinterest, all those plans crumble.
"We're... good," I say, trying to inject some enthusiasm into my voice. "How about you? How was last night's show? I've been dying to hear all about it."
Dakota shrugs, looking somewhere off-camera. "It was fine. Good energy."
I wait for more - for the detailed description of the crowd's reaction to their new song, for the funny story about a fan's sign that he'd usually share. But there's nothing.
Just silence.
"Oh," I say, scrambling to keep the conversation going. "Well, I wanted to tell you about my nursing school orientation. It's next week and?—"
"Yeah, that's great, babe," he cuts in, clearly distracted. "Listen, we don't have a lot of time. The guys want to run through some new material before tonight's show."
The disappointment hits me like a physical blow. I'd cleared my schedule, prepared Roman, and even dressed up a little - all for a five-minute conversation with a distracted, distant version of the man I love.
As the call ends abruptly, I'm left staring at my reflection on the dark screen. The carefully applied makeup, the special shirt - they all seem ridiculous now. I'd prepared for a romantic moment across the miles, and instead got a harsh reminder of the reality of our situation.
The contrast between my expectations and the reality of the call leaves me feeling hollow. My heart feels like it’s been stomped on. Is this what our relationship has become already? And if so, how will we survive entire months of this?
I don’t know if I can do this.
"Mommy?" Roman's voice breaks through my thoughts. "Can I have more apples?"
I paste on a smile, pushing my worries aside. "Sure, baby. Let's get you some more."
As I cut up another apple for Roman, my mind races. Is this really how it's going to be? Dakota distant and irritable, and me left wondering what's really going on?
I want to believe in us, in what we're building. But as I watch Roman happily munching his apple slices, I can't help but wonder if love is enough when there's a whole country between us?
I shake my head, trying to dislodge the doubts. It's just one bad call. We'll figure it out. We have to.
Don't we?
Taking a deep breath, I reach for my phone again. I pull up my calendar, the neat rows of shifts at Sunny's interspersed with upcoming nursing school commitments. Structure. That's what I need right now.
I start adding new items: "Daily check-in with Dakota" goes into every evening slot. Even if it's just a quick text, we need to maintain that connection. "Self-care hour" gets penciled in twice a week - maybe I'll take a long bath or read a book that isn't a textbook for once.
"Mommy-Roman special time" goes in on Saturday mornings. I need to make sure he doesn't feel the strain of this situation. And "Shannon video chat" stays firmly in its Sunday evening spot. I'm going to need my best friend more than ever now.
As I finish, I feel a small sense of control returning. I can't change Dakota's behavior or the distance between us, but I can manage how I respond to it.
"Mommy, look!" Roman calls, proudly holding up his completed puzzle. "I did it all by myself!"
I smile, genuine this time. "That's amazing, baby! You're so smart."
Scooping him up in a hug, I make a silent promise to both of us. Whatever happens with Dakota, this is what is most important. I can’t lose sight of that.
I may not have all the answers right now, but I've got love, determination, and a plan. It has to be enough.
For now, I push thoughts of Dakota aside and focus on Roman's chattering about his puzzle.
One day at a time , I remind myself. One day at a time .