34. I Feel It Too – Lauren
34
I FEEL IT TOO
LAUREN
T he kitchen light above me flickers, matching the erratic rhythm of my thoughts. It's 7:17 PM, and still no call from Dakota. My phone sits silent on the counter, a constant reminder of the void where his voice should be.
I run my fingers over the smooth, cool surface of my pharmacology textbook, but the words blur before my eyes. Instead, my mind replays Dakota's slurred words from yesterday, the anger and pain in his voice mixing with older, more painful memories.
Suddenly, I'm back in our old apartment, the one Miles and I shared. The sour smell of stale beer and unwashed clothes. Miles, sprawled on the couch, empty bottles at his feet. His bloodshot eyes were unfocused and accusing. "You don't understand," he'd slurred. "I need it."
I shake my head, Dakota isn't Miles, I remind myself. But the knot in my stomach tightens all the same.
"Mommy?" Roman's small voice breaks through my reverie. He stands in the doorway, clutching Rex the dinosaur. "Can we have a snack?"
I paste on a smile, pushing away my worries. "Sure, baby. How about some apple slices?"
As I cut the apple, I watch Roman settle at the table, his little legs swinging. He picks up one of my highlighters, mimicking my study habits by drawing yellow lines across his coloring book.
"Is Dakota coming back soon?" he asks, eyes on his 'homework.'
The knife slips, nearly nicking my finger. "No, sweetie. Dakota's very busy with his music right now. He’s all the way in another state."
Roman nods, accepting this with the easy faith of a child. But I can't help wondering, what if Dakota's drinking escalates? What if Roman starts to notice the mood swings, the broken promises? The thought makes me feel sick.
I can't take it anymore. I need to talk to someone who understands.
Leaving Roman with his snack and homework, I step into the living room and dial Shannon's number. She picks up on the second ring.
"Lauren? Is everything okay?"
I let out a shaky breath, sinking onto the couch. "Not really. I... Dakota's drinking again."
There's a pause on the other end of the line. "Oh, honey. Are you sure?"
"Yes," I say, my voice barely above a whisper. "When we talked yesterday, he even admitted it. And now he's not returning my calls."
"Shit," Shannon breathes. "I'm so sorry, Lauren. What happened? Did he say anything specific?"
I close my eyes, remembering. "It was about that thing I told you... about Miles and Chloe. He was angry and confused. But it wasn't just that. His words were slurred, and his mood was all over the place. It was like... like talking to Miles on a bad night."
"Oh, Lauren," Shannon's voice is soft and sympathetic. "That must have been so hard for you."
"It was," I admit, feeling tears prick in my eyes. "And now, with the silence... I can't help but think he's spiraling. And I don't know what to do."
"What do you want to do?" Shannon asks gently.
I let out a bitter laugh. "Run? Hide? Pretend none of this is happening?" I pause, taking a shaky breath. "I don't know. Part of me wants to be there for him, to help him through this. But another part..."
"Is terrified of going through it all again," Shannon finishes for me.
"Exactly," I whisper. "I swore after Miles that I'd never get involved with another addict. That I'd never put Roman through that. And now..."
"Hey," Shannon's voice is firm but kind. "Dakota isn't Miles. You can't compare them."
"Can't I?" I ask, standing up to pace the room. "The drinking, the mood swings, the unreliability. It's all so familiar. I really thought he was different. He was so good with Roman, so supportive of my school. But now... God, what was I thinking?"
"You were thinking that you found someone who made you happy," Shannon says softly. "There's nothing wrong with that."
I shake my head, even though she can't see me. "But at what cost? I can't put Roman through this. I can't go through it myself. Not again."
"So, what are you saying?" she asks. "Are you thinking of ending things with Dakota?"
The question stops me in my tracks. "I... I don't know," I admit, my voice barely audible. "Part of me wants to run as far and fast as I can. But another part..."
"Still loves him," Shannon finishes for me.
"Yeah," I whisper, feeling the tears start to fall. "God, why is this so hard?"
"Because love is complicated," she says. "And addiction is a bitch. But Lauren, you need to remember something."
"What's that?"
"You're stronger now than you were with Miles. You've been through this before. You know the signs, and you know your worth. Whatever you decide to do, you'll be okay. You and Roman both."
I sink back onto the couch, letting her words wash over me. "But what if I'm overreacting? What if this was just a slip?"
"Does it feel like a slip?" Shannon asks.
I think about the missed calls, and the erratic behavior over the past few weeks. "No," I admit. "It feels like the beginning of something bigger."
"Then trust your instincts," Shannon advises. "You've been here before. You know what to look for."
"But what do I do?" I ask, feeling lost. "Do I confront him? Just... end it before it gets worse?"
"I can't make that decision for you, honey," Shannon says gently. "But I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Can you handle being with someone in active addiction? Are you willing to go through that journey with Dakota if he decides to get help? And most importantly, what's best for you and Roman?"
I nod, even though she can't see me. "You're right. I know you're right. It's just... I thought we had a future, you know? I could see it so clearly."
"I know," Shannon's voice is soft with understanding. "But remember, Lauren. Your future isn't dependent on Dakota or any man. You're building an amazing life for yourself and Roman. Don't lose sight of that."
Her words hit me hard, a reminder of everything I've worked for. "Thanks, Shan. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Anytime, babe. That's what I'm here for. And Lauren? Whatever you decide, I've got you. Always."
After we hang up, I sit in the quiet of the living room, Shannon's words echoing in my mind. She's right - I am stronger now. But is strength enough to weather this storm?
My reflection in the glass looks tired, worried. But behind me, I can see more of my nursing textbooks spread across the coffee table, a reminder of the future I'm building. A future that, until yesterday, I thought included Dakota.
Now, I'm not so sure.
"Mommy?" Roman calls from the kitchen. "Can you help me with my homework?"
Reality crashes back in. I have responsibilities. A life to lead, with or without Dakota in it. I can't put everything on hold waiting for him to call.
With a deep breath, I turn away from the window. "Coming, sweetie."
As I sit next to Roman, helping him color within the lines, I make a silent promise to myself. Whatever happens with Dakota, I'll face it. I'll be strong - for Roman, for my future, for myself.
The rest will have to wait. For now, this moment with my son is what matters most.