Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
S AINT
After meeting with a source regarding some intel, I arrive at the casino late morning and head inside via the back entrance. I’ve taken over the office next to Christian’s, and I’ve got a ton of urgent stuff to deal with today.
But reaching the office, I come to an abrupt halt in the doorway.
Because my tidy, immaculate space has been turned upside down.
There’s various plastic toys spread on the desk and floor, stuffed bears fucking scattered everywhere, and the crystal decanter of my eighty-grand finest single malt whiskey is laying on its side and completely empty. What the fuck ?
I march along to the staffroom and fling open the door. “Who the fuck has been in my office and made a fucking mess?” I roar.
And as all eyes turn to me, there’s only one pair that I see. Green and glittering .
And before anyone can say anything else, two small voices pipe up in unison from behind Emerald. “Mr. Saint!”
What on earth are Jaspar and Giulietta doing here ?
I wince, realizing the kids probably just heard my cursing, although neither seems to have taken much notice.
Emerald walks over. She looks tired, in the way that someone running on fumes does—all because of the stress that fucking creep, Carmine, is causing. Despite that, she’d look goddamn beautiful, but I’m not letting my brain go there right now. “These two are off school today. Some teacher conference or something. Nicki was supposed to babysit them as I have a shift, but she’s sick and couldn’t do it.”
And the moment I hear her explanation, I feel like a complete douchebag for my over-the-top reaction. “I can look after them,” I blurt out. “I’ve got some work to do in the office anyway.” And my immediate offer shocks the hell out of me. But it comes so damn natural. And I know that’s a goddamn problem, but it’s not one I want to think about right now…
“I don’t want to put you out,” she murmurs.
And that makes me feel even worse. “It won’t be putting me out,” I say firmly.
And taking the two kids by the hand, I lead them back to the office, the other staff blatantly watching me with open mouths, not even trying to hide their disbelief. Okay, I know I’m a hitman and I can be a grumpy asshole, but what are they expecting? Me to assassinate two kids for daring to mess up my space?
Back in my office, Giulietta stares at me. “Your orange stuff is in the pot plant, Mr. Saint,” she announces.
My eyebrows shoot up. “ Excuse me ?”
She scoops up the decanter. “The stuff that was in here.”
I swallow hard. “ My eighty-thousand-dollar limited edition whiskey ?”
“Em tried to stop me. But I was too quick for her. Because I wanted to use this as my teapot.”
I gulp down the grumpy words that are on the tip of my tongue and say something else instead. “As your teapot for, er, what?”
Giulietta tilts her head to one side and looks at me like I’ve asked the dumbest question ever. “For a tea party, of course!”
Oh Christ , what have I let myself in for ?
* * *
A few weeks ago, if someone had told me I’d be sitting awkwardly on the floor, sipping some overly sweet concoction of Kool-Aid and water while playing make believe with a five-year-old, I’d have shot them in the head after I finished laughing my ass off.
Now?
Guess I’m not laughing .
I shift uncomfortably on the hard floor, my thighs burning as I try my hardest not to grimace.
Giulietta sits across from me, sipping her ‘tea’ like she’s the freaking queen of England. There’s something so wholesome about the way she’s lined up all the stuffed animals along one side of the table and laid everything out. The girl’s got a thing for details, that’s for sure.
“Cookie?”
I shake my head. “No, uh… thank you .”
I’ve already been scolded by her twice about manners. It’d taken all my willpower not to fall over laughing. I thought Emerald was something, but it’s clear Giulietta gives her a run for her money. I take another sip from the small teacup, choking down the semi-grainy texture and thinking that Jaspar is a smart kid for refusing to join in.
I close my eyes briefly. This whole situation with Emerald is a goddamn problem. And yet I can’t stop it even if I wanted to.
My dick is definitely leading the show when it comes to Emerald, or so I keep telling myself. I’ve never put this much effort into something like this. I’ve never offered to babysit a potential hook-up’s siblings. I sure as hell never cooked meals for them or asked about their life beyond the meaningless chatter. I didn’t even ask their names sometimes.
But with Emerald, it’s different.
The whole situation is different. Something about her has the hairs on the back of my neck rising and my skin tingling. That warm feeling in my chest is only getting worse and worse when she’s around.
Since they’ve all moved in, I’ve made it a priority to ask the kids about their day at school and make sure they have everything they need. I’ve been taking an interest in them, learning about them, wanting to get to know them—and scaring the fuck out of myself because it’s all actually genuine from me .
And fuck me, seeing Emerald’s face light up every time she watches us. It damn near made my knees give out the first time she flashed me that sparkling smile and grateful expression. I spent the next half a week trying to make it appear again and again. Because when she smiles, it feels like I’m wrapped in warm fucking sunshine, and it’s a sensation that calms and soothes me.
She’s an addiction, and it’s an addiction I don’t want to quit.
“More tea?” The small voice pulls me back into the room. How Emerald has managed to look after three young siblings until now, I’m not sure, but if I’ve learned anything about her, it’s that she’s persistent and resilient. Once she puts her mind to something, she does it. Whether it’s a good idea or not.
I stare at my nearly full cup, dwarfed in my much larger hand. It’s comical how seriously Giulietta’s taking this tea party, but I’m doing my best to play along and not to ruin it. When I started to care about impressing a five-year-old, I’m not quite sure, but here we are.
Deep down, I can see how it happened, but I’m not going to acknowledge that in the slightest. Giving it my attention means it might be real. And maybe, just maybe, I want it to be that, but I’m not sure where I stand with Emerald. And setting myself up for failure isn’t in my DNA, so the thought gets pushed into the back of my mind.
“No, I’m good.” I pause, looking at how Giulietta’s eyebrow arches in a way that mirrors Emerald. “But, um, thank you.”
She nods, satisfied with my display of manners, and my lip curls into a small smile.
“So…” I drawl the single word, taking another tentative small sip—I don’t have the heart to tell her she didn’t mix the packet long enough.
“So?” she asks in her piping voice.
“Who do we have here?” I tilt my head toward our honored guests.
Meticulously arranged along the table are a menagerie of bears, big and small, who crowd the space all around the small toy table. Thank God that the bears aren’t honey-colored…
When we began, Giulietta set them out with care, patting their heads and ensuring their cups were filled with the proper amount of ‘tea’ before giving each a small plastic plate. My heart clenched in my chest a little.
It’s the small things like this that keep catching me off guard. Between Giulietta and Jaspar, some part of me I was sure died a long time ago stutters like it’s trying to rise from the grave. A faint beating pulse trying to resurrect. Buried so deep down inside me, I didn’t even know it was there.
It’s a fruitless endeavor, and yet, that tightness in my chest grows every time my gaze sweeps over the kids. From the coloring, to the board games and now the tea party, that broken and barely alive part of me stirs to life more and more. Aching in some foreign way that causes a lump in my throat that I swallow thickly.
Giulietta gasps slightly.
And my eyes dart to her. Is she hurt? Did she do something? My eyes assess the situation. I pride myself on always being ten, fifteen steps ahead of everyone, but this one little girl has me doubting my skills.
“How rude of me!” she exclaims.
I blink and relax my tensed muscles. Dramatic little thing. And I can’t help the soft laugh that rumbles through my chest. That warmth spreads, and this time, I don’t shove it away, don’t let the ice crawl back over it.
“I didn’t introduce you to our guests.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I’m so sorry, good sir.”
My small smirk turns into a proper smile before I stop it. “All’s forgiven.”
She beams at me, and once more, that thud of my heart thumps in my chest, the uncomfortableness fading slightly with each minute that ticks by.
“They’re a family,” she says in a determined voice as she pats the first bear’s head. “This is Milena Bear. This is Jaspar Bear.”
Jaspar’s head lifts from where he’s doing a puzzle on the floor, and his small nose scrunches. “I wanna be a crocodile!” Obviously, he’s decided to join in now.
She swivels to face him and gives him what I assume to be the signature Fiorelli glare that Emerald’s shown me a good few times, before she turns back in her seat to face me.
“This is Giulietta Bear,” she continues as if her brother didn’t say a word. I nod and smile, and she eats up the attention before moving on. “This is Mommy Emerald Bear. And this is Daddy Saint Bear.”
And my world stops.
I’m not breathing.
I don’t blink.
Is this what cardiac arrest feels like?
The air in my lungs is sucker-punched from me, and I nearly tip back from the force of it.
My muscles lock in an uncomfortable position as I stare at the well-worn bear with the frayed bow tie. The room seems to shrink in on me, and I open my mouth to say something but can’t find the words.
“They’re a happy family,” she continues as if I’m not reeling, her attention solely on the bear with the bow tie.
Family .
An f-word that’s always meant absolutely shit to me. But it’s everything to Emerald and her siblings.
My face remains the same impassive mask that I’ve developed over the years. My eyes lift from the bear to the little girl before me. She smiles so brightly. Like she’s proud of what she’s just told me.
“Great,” I breathe out, unable to find a better thing to say.
My brow puckers as I stare at the bear. A happy family , that’s what she called it. Does such a thing even exist? Better yet, does such a thing exist for me ?
And more importantly, why do I even care? I made my peace with never wanting or having a proper happy family in my life. I resigned myself to being what I am. Or so I thought...
My eyes narrow slightly as I stare at the bear. It’s a stupid thing to think that if I stare long enough, he’ll be intimidated like everyone else and give me the answers I seek. And I know that, but I can’t help it.
Something shudders inside me, and I’m reeling. A loss of control. A foreign concept to me after so long of always being in sole charge of my destiny.
In the span of five seconds, that barely living thing deep inside me flickers to life, rising from the ashes of a loveless existence. Back with a vengeance. I shift and clear my throat to try and displace the uncomfortable feeling.
But it settles into my chest. Want? Need? Longing?
I don’t know what to call it, but I fucking want it gone.
Don’t I… ?
Because the more I stare at the bear and the whole damn family of mismatched stuffed animals, I’m not so sure.
“Giulietta, um, what makes them a happy family?” What possesses me to ask her this, I’m not quite sure. But I suddenly need the answer. I’ve never felt like this, hanging on the words of a five-year-old the way I am now. Like some part of me is maybe stretching out for something just in reach.
“Well, they love each other very much. And…” She stops to think about it. “They have tea together. They play together. They do things a family does.”
“Yup…that’ll do it,” I grit out. I squeeze my eyes shut as old images are dredged up in my mind one by one. The park. The movies. Running around the house on the broad shoulders of my dad. They’re so blurry and faded I’m not sure if they’re real or not. But the way they constrict my chest is very real. It was a happy family .
My eyes bounce between Jaspar and Giulietta, who are both oblivious to the storm rolling through me. Could I, could we…?
Fuck .
The way the idea sparks something inside me makes me shift uncomfortably. Emerald and I, we’re…complicated and new. Since kissing her outside the casino, making love to her in that motel, and moving her into my mansion, the way we interact has shifted. From banter to flirting and back again. But this just makes the idea of her—of an ‘us’—all the more alluring.
I bite the inside of my cheek. There’s no way I’m letting this go. That little broken boy inside me won’t let it happen, grasping onto this very dangerous and scary idea with his tiny fingers. And I’m not even sure the man I am today wants him to.
“And Emerald Bear and Saint Bear both take Milena, Jaspar, and Giulietta to the park to play, and to the children’s museum, and…and…to the movies. They teach them ABCs and sing songs together. And they have ice cream for dinner when they’re good.” Giulietta continues her explanation of what constitutes a happy family around the bite of a cookie.
“I see. And when they’re not having ice cream for dinner?”
“They eat pizza.”
“Of course. How silly of me not to know that.”
She giggles. “It’s okay. You’ll learn.” She pats my hand across the table, and I’m a goner for her just as bad as I am for her sister. I’m fucked. More fucked than I was before, without a doubt. Actually, I’m beyond fucked. God help me.
Movement to the left of us at the door catches my eye, and my body tenses. Despite the distraction of the tea party, despite the earth-shattering realizations, I’m not completely gone enough not to be aware of my surroundings.
My gaze flickers to the doorway, and heat crawls up the back of my neck.
Emerald leans against the door. “ Well, hello there ,” she says with a huge smile as she takes in the scene.
My heart thumps wildly in my chest as she just stares. Greedily I take her in, the way her dress fits over her luscious curves. The way she looks at Jaspar and Giulietta with such a tender expression. “Joining us?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I have to go back out and do a few more things. Just came to see what everyone was up to. You guys look…cozy.”
“We’re having tons of fun, right?” I look to Giulietta who nods enthusiastically.
“I’ll let you guys carry on, then. I already took a picture to commemorate it and share to the group chat.”
She’s goading me, and as bad as I want to take the bait, I don’t. I lift a shoulder in a nonchalant shrug before turning back to the table fully. “We’ll finish up and then order that pizza, huh?”
“Yes!” both Jaspar and Giulietta shout loudly with excitement.
And Emerald’s laugh fills the space before she leaves us to our little party once more.
* * *
When Emerald returns at the end of her shift, I carefully slide Giulietta from my leg where she’s made herself at home while we watch some cartoon movie on my laptop after eating pizza. “I should get going. I need to deal with some work stuff.”
Emerald looks at me and nods. “Sure.”
“Do you have to go?” Giulietta pouts. “We never finished the tea party…”
I smile down at Giulietta. “Yeah, I’ve got work to do. But if it’s okay with Emerald, maybe I can read your bedtime story tonight…?” My eyes lift to Emerald’s as I speak.
Something flashes across her face, and for a fraction of a second, I worry I’ve overstepped. Then Emerald nods, and the breath rushes from my lungs with relief.
My eyes flickering back to Giulietta’s, I see the little girl and her brother beam back at me, and their smiles remind me so much of the smiles their eldest sister gives me.
I stand, ruffling Jaspar’s hair as I pass him to grab my jacket from the back of the door. As I pass Emerald in the doorway, she leans against the frame. I arch a brow at her.
She steps into the corridor, closing the door to the office until just a crack remains open. “Thanks for today.”
I shake my head, dismissing it. “Don’t need to thank me.”
“Well, I am. I mean it, Saint. I…I appreciate the offer to watch them while I was working. And for playing with them and all that.”
The warmth in my chest thrums to life at the words. “No problem.”
“Not everyone would have suffered however long on that hard floor like you probably did.”
The smile on my face is involuntary and instinctual. I step closer to her, bracing my arm above her on the wall. “Delete the picture.”
“Not a chance.”
A low laugh rumbles through my chest. “I could just make you.”
“Oh, and how are you going to do that? How do you know I haven’t already sent it to the casino’s group chat?”
“I can figure something out,” I breathe, leaning closer into her. I watch as her breath hitches, and I can’t help feeling pleased at the effect I have on her. “And I know you haven’t—because you’re not that brave.”
“I’m not? Wanna try me? Look, win our next chess game, and I’ll think about deleting it. Lose, and the only place it’s going is the casino chat.”
My eyes zero in on her lips, raking over her face before I nod. “Deal. I like it when the stakes are high,” I growl in a low voice. The stakes are always high with this goddamn woman before me.
She smiles up at me, her eyes sparkling with a mixture of mischief and amusement.
My lips press to her mouth before I pull back. “See you later, Em. I’ll be back before the kids go to bed.”
My feet carry me down the corridor, and I will myself to keep moving despite the urge to turn back and claim her body like every fiber of me wants.
Jogging out to my car, I let out a long breath, and a low amused laugh leaves me at the same time.
God and all the saints as my witness, Emerald Fiorelli is going to be the death of me. But it’s a death I can’t wait for…