Chapter 41
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
S AINT
The house is dark and quiet once more. My hand trembles at my side, and I fist it tightly to stop the shake. My eyes are glued to the door which closed with the soft click before I could work out how to stop her.
I should have stopped her.
I should jog down the steps, yank her into my arms, and tell her she’s wrong.
But I don’t.
Because in the blink of an eye, the world around me shifts again, and I’m that five-year-old kid again, being swallowed up by the darkness. Alone and unwanted. Laughter echoes in my head. I swallow hard against the thoughts, shoving them down as far and as deep as I can.
I step toward the door and then stop. Eyes squeezing shut, I don’t move a muscle until I’m once more in control.
She needs air? What the hell does that mean?
I yank open the door and make it two more steps down the hall before reality comes crashing back onto me once more.
Pregnant.
Emerald is pregnant.
I stumble, bracing myself against the wall as the room tilts under me.
I’m going to be a father.
Her words ring in my head over and over again, joining the dark memories and doubt that suck me into some spiral of madness.
Dread and uncertainty swallow me whole. I squeeze my eyes shut and put my head in my hands. My heart is thumping like a drum in my chest, and I can’t shake the feelings, the emotions, that are clawing me into the depths of hell.
She’s gone.
I can feel the tremor in my hands as they drag through my hair. I suck in a deep breath through my nose. I’ve done this.
She’s out there doing God knows what because I pushed her.
Because I couldn’t do the one decent thing in this world. Because I couldn’t tell her what she means to me.
But to do right by her, I have to be honest with her—and I don’t think I’m capable of loving her how she deserves. How they both deserve.
My head lifts to the empty house as I cup the back of my head.
I deserve to feel like this. I know it. This feeling shredding up my insides is something I haven’t felt in decades. But I deserve this.
“Fuck…” My head bows once more. Anger boils up inside me, pushing past the guilt and the remorse. It’s hot and molten as it licks through my veins. How the hell didn’t I notice? Why didn’t she tell me? Is it so terrible to think that I could be… But I cut that thought off before it can fully form and push it from my mind.
It’s dark now, and if I know Emerald, she’s not coming home anytime soon. A fact that only makes that beast in my chest roar.
My eyes land on the vase of roses sent by a friend of Emerald’s who couldn’t make the wedding. Fucking red roses .
I stomp over to them, my lip curling at the corner as I stare at the delicate petals. Without a thought, I hurl the vase, flowers and all, into the door, listening to the glass shatter.
Fuck!
My hand curls at my side, muscles tense. Something tangled and twisted, akin to sorrow maybe, surges up as I stare at the shattered glass and the puddle of water.
How the hell did it get like this?
How did I fuck it up so bad in such a short amount of time?
Of all the people to make me feel like this—unstable, uncertain, and out of control—it had to be Emerald Fiorelli. She’s the only goddamn person who’s managed to get this far under my skin, and she’s like a beautiful thorn I can’t get out.
My chest heaves, and my frustrated pants fill the space.
I hate this.
I hate how far I’ve let her in. How bothered I am about this—about her.
I spare a glance at the clock on the side table, and my anger comes back tenfold. Where in God’s name is she going at this time of night? Is she even coming back?
And that last thought brings a dread that sucker punches me, and my anger uses it as fuel. Hotter and hotter, it burns.
This is my fault.
This is my doing.
Emerald is running away yet again, and there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop her this time. No sham of a proposal to get her to be with me. No promise of being better. No pretty words. Nothing.
I inhale deeply before hissing out a breath. Again and again until the quiet calm takes over—the unnerving kind of calm that comes when I reign in my emotions…