Chapter 53
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
AVELINA
The sound of my alarm blares through the hush of my apartment, dragging me from a restless sleep. I slap at my phone until the buzzing stops.
And when I open my eyes, I forget for that first half a second that Viktor isn’t occupying the bed beside me. That I walked away from him.
I lie there, blinking at the ceiling. The apartment feels familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Two weeks. We’ve been back here for two weeks, and it still doesn’t feel like home.
It feels like a waiting room for a life I no longer get to live.
Because there’s no Viktor.
And mornings like these? They’re the worst.
I sit up, rubbing at my eyes, and force myself through the motions. Shower. Clothes. Coffee. Sofia clings to the book Viktor bought her. It never goes anywhere she doesn’t. I try not to look at it as I pack her bag and lunch. It’s just another reminder—and I’ve got so many of those already.
Another one of the workers, Janet, is already at her desk when I arrive, peering into a cup of coffee like it holds all the answers to her day. She’s been a saving grace around here. A friend when I didn’t have any. “Eric’s in a mood this morning,” she warns.
“What else would be new?” I say with a small smile of greeting.
My desk is a small cubby-like space. The little calendar with some school dates and a drawing Sofia did of us hangs on the gray fabric wall.
A tiny potted succulent sits in a little wooden planter, and next to it is a photo of Sofia and Leon beaming at me.
The job is decent. It’s administrative support in a marketing firm.
It has a couple of small sportswear brands as clients and thought my sporting background would be useful.
But the way Eric, our boss, looks at me sometimes…
like he’s watching something more than my work.
It sets my teeth on edge. I chalk it up to paranoia.
Ever since that car chase, I’ve been hypervigilant.
My hands type on autopilot while my mind wanders. Viktor. I keep thinking about him. Some days, I even think I catch a glimpse of him as I walk home or think that I’ll turn the corner to find him leaning against his SUV, arms crossed, that impossibly attractive scowl on his face.
But he’s never there. It’s just wishful thinking. He doesn’t call. And I don’t reach out even if I itch to. What would I even say? Because if I can’t accept his life—and the danger that goes with it—then I don’t deserve to say I love him. Right? But I miss him. I won’t deny that.
Janet slides a donut with sprinkles toward me. “Here.”
“What’s the occasion?”
“You’ve been looking like a ghost all week. Figured a little sugar would bring that sunshine personality back to the living.” She studies me for a moment. “Is this about that guy?”
I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t.
“You loved him. Things got complicated, but you still loved him. That sort of thing doesn’t just disappear overnight. It takes time to adjust, and it’s normal to feel like this.”
“I know,” I say with a sigh. “But I feel like a splinter is jammed beneath my skin, and I can’t get it out.”
“You’re allowed to miss him and wonder if it was the right call.”
“Was it? The right call, I mean,” I say.
“I think you made the call you needed to make in the moment. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. But only time is gonna tell you if it was for the best.”
I nod, but the knot in my chest doesn’t loosen. It didn’t feel like this when I left Geliy. It feels like a completely different sort of pain. A deep, all-consuming hurt.
At the end of the day, Eric stops by my desk. Janet left a couple of minutes ago, and I’m just packing my things up. He leans on the divider wall, arms crossed, his cologne thick in the air. “Working late, Avelina?”
I keep my gaze on my papers, shifting a little in my chair as I sense his eyes on me. “I just finished up the draft outline.”
“Good. Great initiative.” The smile I catch doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “You know, you’ve been a real asset here.”
I force a polite smile. “Thank you.”
He smiles back, his eyes wandering down my body, causing a shiver of disgust to roll through me.
But he lingers, the heat of his gaze like a hot spotlight.
“If you’re ever looking to move up, I’ve got a few projects in mind that could use someone of your background,” he carries on.
Another strained smile from me. “I’ll, uh, keep that in mind.”
He pats my shoulder, making me tense, before he walks away.
Air whooshes from me in an exhale I didn’t know I was holding. I pack up my stuff and head out before Eric can do anything else to send my mind reeling.
Back at the apartment, I sit on the couch with Sofia to my side and Leon in a bouncer, a bowl of mac and cheese in front of me. Queenie is curled up on Sofia’s lap.
I can’t help the way my eyes drift to my phone. I know there’s no message. And I know it’s wrong to wonder if he’s still thinking about me—really wrong because I’m the one who left. Still, I glance at it like maybe tonight’s different. But I know it’s not.
Later, the last conversation he and I had replays constantly when I’m alone in my bed.
The way he looked at me. My hope that smashed to sharp shards as I asked him to come with me.
The way his voice cracked when he said he couldn’t.
The way I hoped up until the very last second that he’d change his mind.
I shouldn’t be wallowing as much as I am now. I should be feeling like I made the right choice.
But I just feel hollow.
Maybe falling for a man like Viktor was setting myself up for disaster—and it was never going to end any other way.
But God, I miss him. So, so much.
I squeeze my eyes shut as I press into the pillow at my side, pretending the pressure is a solid wall of muscle. That if I hold still long enough, I might remember how it felt to be wrapped in his arms.
But it doesn’t work.
It’s just a pillow.
And I’m pathetic for wishing it would be something else.
The silence around me isn’t peace.
It’s punishment.
And I’m the one who sentenced myself to it.