18. Marisol
18
MARISOL
It’s raining.
In itself, that shouldn’t be unusual. Rain happens often in Brazil, especially in the area around our compound.
But somehow, it feels… different.
This rain is heavy. it’s persistent, coming down from the sky at a steady pace that sounds like a heartbeat echoing all around the house.
Or, maybe that’s the thundering of my own heart as I pace my room.
Andrei’s inability to leave me alone earlier felt terrifying. It was a reminder that I’m playing a game that’s out of my league.
Not for the first time, I shut my eyes and take a deep, steadying breath.
All I want is to be with the girls.
I miss them with a ferocity that rips at my gut. For the first time since arriving here, I sit on my bed, letting my panic consume me.
I’m absolutely terrified that I’m never going to see them again.
The terror is something that I can keep at bay, normally. I don’t know if it’s the rain, exactly, or something else.
But right now, I can’t keep it from consuming me.
I can’t even cry.
There’s too much fear. Too much that could go wrong. Too much that is at risk.
What if I never see them again?
I’ve told myself, over and over, that I’d be fine with it if I never see the girls again. If they’re safe and happy, that’s all that matters to me.
Or at least, that’s what I told myself.
Right now?
It’s not true.
I want to see them again. I want to hold onto them. I want to kiss their faces and hear them say my name.
I want, more than anything, to see my babies again.
You have to choose the option that gets you back to them.
The thought echoes through me with all the strength of a scream. It’s true; I have to choose whatever gets me back to them.
If I die without seeing the girls…
Don’t think of that, Marisol .
That can’t be an option.
One way or another, I’m going to make sure that I see them again.
I have to.
The rain keeps drumming on the roof, but I ignore it.
I need to go meet Dino.
Dinner passes without any incident. After, Andrei is coming to follow me, and I’m certain that he’s not going to let me walk in the garden alone.
My heart thumps in time with the rain.
Then, my father grabs his elbow. He murmurs something in Portuguese. Andrei looks at me for a long minute before he nods, and lets my father lead him away.
This is my chance.
I don’t bother with a jacket. I know that I should, and that I might attract attention if I walk out into the garden with nothing on, but I don’t care.
I need to get out of this house.
I need to meet with Dino. He’s the only person in the world, interestingly, that reminds me of my girls, and I miss them so desperately that I’m just dying to be closer to them.
He’s the only one who can fulfill that for me, and it’s extremely confusing, but I need him.
I need…
The realization that I need Dino confuses me. I don’t want to need him, that’s for sure .
We don’t know each other. Nothing has changed.
Except for the fact that every cell in my body is craving him right now.
My feet slide around in my sandals as I steal out into the garden. I mentioned the mango trees to Andrei earlier, when Dino was there in the pool room.
Or, at least I think that Dino was there.
The panic claws at me again. There are too many things that I’m leaving up to the world, and that are currently just… chance.
I don’t even know if Dino was listening earlier. I tried to see if I could look inside the changing room for his feet, but I couldn’t do that without getting Andrei’s attention.
I have no idea if he heard me or not.
So, I’m still charging out into the garden with nothing concrete to go on whatsoever.
I guess if nothing else, I’ll be able to look at the mango trees and think of my mother.
It takes one minute for me to realize that coming out here was a mistake, without a raincoat of some kind on. My dress is clinging to me within seconds, because the rain isn’t just coming down.
It’s flowing like a waterfall.
Slowly, so that I don’t slip in my shoes, I walk toward the back.
The mango trees are in the furthest part of the garden. There’s a little bench underneath them, and I find that if I sit on it, I’m sheltered from the worst of the rain under the thick branches of the trees .
I can even tuck myself further back into them so that someone coming up the path won’t be able to see me.
The privacy hits me.
I haven’t been alone like this in…
Forever.
I look up at the branches, wishing that my mother was here. She would know how to get me out of this.
And what to do next.
I hear a rustle, and I turn, my heart pumping.
“It’s me,” Dino rasps.
The sound of his voice doesn’t necessarily make me relax. Instead, it makes me feel…
Hot.
“I…”
He tugs on my wrist from where he’s hidden in the bushes behind me. “Come here,” he murmurs.
God help me.
I go with him.
“I can’t be seen out of the garden,” I whisper. The sound of water falling from the sky more than covers our voices.
Dino nods, but keeps leading me up the path.
Not more than ten feet back from where the mango trees hang heavily over the bench, there’s something else.
Something I didn’t know existed.
A little gazebo .
Dino tugs me underneath it. The rain has plastered his white t-shirt to him, making it transparent. I can see every tattoo, every scar, underneath the thin cotton that’s covering him.
I want to touch them with my tongue.
“Are you good?” he grunts.
That voice.
My eyes look at the thick scar across his throat.
I nod. “I’m fine.”
“You look cold,” Dino murmurs. His big hands come to rest on my shoulders.
They radiate heat, each one a furnace against my skin.
“I’m fine. Really. I am,” I whisper.
His hands move up my shoulders.
I want to lean into his touch. I want him to hold me.
I want this to be something it’s not.
I want Dino to… want me.
“Red,” Dino grunts.
I blink up at him.
“It’s my favorite color. Red.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not following.”
Sighing, he takes his hands off of me.
I shiver.
“You said we didn’t know anything about each other. That we didn’t have any connection. Well I’m fuckin’ connectin’,” he says, throwing his hands up in the air.
Aww.
“So you want to tell me your favorite color?” I smile.
“If that makes you feel connected to me then fuck yeah,” Dino grumbles.
I can’t help it. The smile that twitches across my lips is genuine. “I like purple.”
“That makes sense to me,” Dino grunts.
“Okay. Favorite movie?”
“Don’t watch movies,” Dino shakes his head.
I deflate a little.
“I don’t watch movies because I ain’t got much time, but when I was a kid, uh…” he scratches the back of his head.
The movement makes his biceps pop, and my eyes follow the motion.
“I really liked the uh… the movie with the dogs.”
I frown. “Movie with the dogs?”
“Yeah, you know. The fuckin’ cartoon. There’s a whole bunch of dogs and a mean lady tries to make goddamn coats out of ‘em…”
“One hundred and one dalmatians?” I smile at him.
“Yeah. That’s the one.”
I can’t stop myself.
I laugh .
Dino looks away. “Look, it’s a stupid movie, that’s why I don’t watch movies–”
“Dino. I’m not laughing at you. I think it’s adorable that you like that movie.”
He looks down at me, his forest green eyes serious. “Adorable?”
“Yes. I can just picture little Dino, begging to watch it again,” I smile.
He looks away. “Well, if I did, I don’t think anyone would listen.”
Oh.
I gently put my hand on his shoulder. “Because of the whole… dad thing?”
“Yeah. The dad thing.”
Biting my lip, I slide my hand down his arm. His muscles feel like they’re carved out of stone, and I really want to just wrap them around me, because I feel like in Dino’s arms it wouldn’t rain on me.
Like nothing bad would happen to me ever again, honestly.
I wish that were true.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I whisper.
He tilts his head.
“The dad thing,” I clarify.
Dino huffs out a breath. “I don’t know.”
“Okay. I understand. It’s a lot…”
“I don’t know because I don’t know what to say,” Dino amends.
I still, my fingers halfway down his forearm.
Dino takes a deep breath.
“Out of my family, I’m not the one who does… who says shit. My brothers are good at talking. Marco’s smoother than a snake and Sal is smart as hell. Caterina never got in trouble, so she never needed to learn how to get herself out of trouble. But I’m the one who is always in trouble,” he murmurs.
I slide my hand the rest of the way into his hand, and I squeeze slightly.
Dino looks at where our fingers are twined, and his big palm wraps around mine.
It sends a surge of heat through me that makes me bite my lip.
“I fucked everything up, all the time. I couldn’t do shit right. Not a goddamn thing. After a while, I stopped tryin’. I did what the fuck I wanted, when the fuck I wanted, and I never took no for an answer, unless it was Marco and he goddamn begged me.”
“That sounds lonely,” I murmur.
Dino’s eyes are wide with surprise. “Yeah. It was lonely. It is lonely.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shrugs. “Nothin to be sorry for. You didn’t do it to me.”
“I can feel how much it hurt you anyway,” I say with a squeeze of his hand .
Dino nods, seemingly encouraged by my words. “I never felt like I belonged in my family, Marisol. Hearin’ that I… don’t…” he hesitates. “It’s actually kinda… normal.”
“You belong wherever you belong, Dino. You belong where you feel belonging.”
The laugh that rattles out of him is bitter. “Then I don’t think I’ve ever belonged anywhere.”
Oh God.
I squeeze his hand. “I’m so sorry. That sounds awful.”
“It is.”
For a second we sit there, the rain humming around us.
Then, Dino says, in a voice that’s so hoarse I can barely hear it, “Actually, that’s not right.”
“What?” I blink, looking up at him.
Dino’s eyes are dark. He slides the hand that I”m not holding against my face, and leans down ever so slightly.
If he moves forward again, he’s going to kiss me.
I want him to kiss me.
“I can think of one place that I have felt belonging.”
“Oh?” I whisper.
His lips are almost touching mine.
He leans closer again, and I have to strain to hear the words.
“I belong with you.”