Chapter 54
Giorgio
When I entered the kitchen with Sofia and Adriano, it was like walking into a nightmare.
Not a gory or violent one, though.
More like the ‘naked in front of your entire high school’ variety.
Caterina stood behind the kitchen island, rolling out dough.
Alessandra, Mei-ling, and Rachel sat on the opposite side from her –
Along with Lucia and Bianca, who had interrogated me about last night during the drive over from Florence.
All six women glanced over at me –
And immediately the ribbing began.
“Wooooo!” Caterina called out.
“The Stud of Florence has returned!” Lucia yelled.
Alessandra just laughed and blushed.
“Oh my god,” I muttered as I turned around and headed for the door.
“Where are you going?” Rachel complained.
“Ya big pussy,” Adriano said contemptuously.
Well, of course I couldn’t leave after he said that.
I turned back around, and all the women cheered.
I was sure Bianca and Lucia had told them about Emilia.
Normally I would be happy to have six beautiful women gossiping about my love life –
But not when they were the wives of my bosses…
Who were the kinds of men who buried corpses out in the olive groves.
“What’s going on?” Sofia asked, looking around warily like she was about to be pranked.
“Giorgio got busy last night with our favorite hot barista!” Lucia said, and pantomimed air-humping an invisible person again. “SEVERAL times!”
Sofia looked over at me and raised one eyebrow. “Really.”
“Oh, dear god,” I muttered as I slumped down in a chair, put my face on the counter, and covered my head with my hands.
“Come on – tell ‘em what you told Bianca and me on the way over!” Lucia prodded.
I looked up at her in irritation. “No.”
“Come onnnn!” most of the women said.
Alessandra was the only one who remained silent, though she was laughing.
I used her as my defense.
“I can’t,” I said, gesturing towards the rosary she clutched in her hand. “The signora is very religious.”
“Not that religious,” Caterina muttered under her breath, but loud enough to be heard.
“Hey!” Alessandra protested.
“What?” Caterina asked –
And held up a long, snake-like tube of cooking dough.
Alessandra’s mouth dropped open – she blushed furiously –
And then both she and Caterina burst out laughing at some private joke between the two of them.
“What?” I asked, totally confused.
“Nothing,” Alessandra said with a warning glare at Caterina, then addressed me. “Go ahead and tell them. I don’t mind.”
“Come on, Giorgio,” Caterina said. “Even church ladies like a little slap and tickle.”
“I can attest to that,” Mei-ling added, and the entire room burst into laughter.
I just groaned and looked over at Adriano. “Don’t we have to get back to Florence?”
“Fuck you,” he said as he filled up a plate with Caterina’s cooking. “I’m here to eat.”
“You made sure your lady friend finished, right?” Mei-ling asked.
“Oh, DID he!” Lucia said. “MULTIPLE times.”
All the women (except Alessandra) went “Oooooooohhhh!”
“What’s going on in here?” a deep voice asked –
And I looked over as Massimo entered the kitchen.
He was a fucking giant – a mountain of a man.
Now things were starting to turn into the frightening kind of nightmare.
“Nothing,” I said hastily.
“Giorgio’s just telling us about his wild night of passion,” Lucia said impishly.
Massimo put one massive arm around his tiny doll-like wife. “Is that so?”
“No,” I said, panicking slightly. “I don’t kiss and tell.”
“Bullshit!” Bianca and Lucia both howled at the same time.
Adriano agreed with a snort. “Total bullshit.”
“What?!” I exclaimed.
“You fuckin’ told them everything, dude,” my boss said.
“Everything?” Massimo asked his brother.
“Every damn thing. It was like I was listening to a fuckin’ porno.”
Adriano was lying. I’d kept things as vague as I could.
It didn’t keep the wives from laughing up a storm, though.
“Your poor, virgin ears,” Massimo said to Adriano.
“My poor, virgin ears,” Adriano agreed sadly.
“That was not what it was like at all!” I cried out.
“I don’t know,” Caterina said dubiously. “Lucia was pretty descriptive.”
“She’s – ” I started to yell –
Then looked up at Massimo.
I didn’t think he would pound me into the ground for calling his wife a liar, but I didn’t feel like taking the chance.
“…exaggerating,” I finished.
“Lucia? Exaggerate? Never,” Massimo said facetiously.
“Hey!” Lucia said, offended, then pinched her husband’s ass. “You should want him to tell us more. It gets me going,” she added with a feline purr.
Massimo grinned, then turned back to me. “By all means, then – spill the beans.”
This was not going in a direction I was comfortable with.
I was going to have to take drastic measures to turn the ship around –
So I did.
“Seriously, though, I could use all of your advice about something!” I said above the laughter and catcalls.
Mei-ling held up her pointer and middle fingers and started moving them in a ‘come hither’ motion. “Do this to her G-spot while you lick her clitoris.”
All the women burst out in gales of laughter – except Alessandra, who turned red as a beet.
“Bianca likes that,” Adriano said matter-of-factly. “A lot.”
“BABE!” Bianca said, completely shocked and incensed.
All the other women except for Alessandra laughed uproariously.
“What?” Adriano said, unconcerned. “It’s true. In fact, when I do it enough, she – ”
“BABE!” Bianca shouted. She was almost as red as Alessandra.
“It’s about a date!” I cried out, trying to redirect the conversation. “I need to take Emilia out on a proper date, and I have no idea where to go!”
“You live in Florence,” Lucia said in disbelief. “How do you not know where to go on a date?”
“I’m from Montepulciano, which is an hour and a half away. And I haven’t exactly had time to sightsee since I started working here.”
“She’s from Milan?” Rachel asked.
“Yes.”
“Has she seen anything in Florence?”
“Not that I know of.”
Everyone spoke at the same time.
“Shopping,” Lucia said.
“A nice restaurant,” Cat called out.
“Shooting,” Rachel said.
“Shooting?” Mei-ling asked in surprise. “A gun?”
Rachel shrugged. “I’d enjoy it.”
“The Ferragamo Museum,” Bianca suggested.
“What’s the Ferragamo Museum?” Lucia asked.
“You know – Ferragamo shoes. It’s a fashion museum all about the designer Salvatore Ferragamo. He made shoes for Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Sophia Loren – ”
“Cool,” Lucia said. “Can you buy them there?”
“No.”
Lucia turned to me. “Take her to the museum, then take her shopping.”
“What do you think?” I asked Sofia.
“I’m the most boring date ever. I’d just be happy playing chess.”
“And then having sex,” Lucia added.
“Not on the first date,” Sofia said.
“They’ve already banged,” Lucia reminded her.
“Oh – then totally having sex,” Sofia said with a laugh.
Absolutely NO help there.
“What do you think?” I asked Alessandra.
She looked embarrassed and put on the spot. “I don’t know… there are some beautiful churches in Florence…”
“NOOOOOO!” all the other women yelled.
“You could always take her to a sex club,” Mei-ling suggested.
Everyone went quiet as they looked at her in shock.
She paused…
Then the corners of her mouth turned up the tiniest bit.
“Oh my god, I thought you were SERIOUS!” Bianca cried out.
“…maybe on the second date,” Mei-ling said, and everyone laughed.
“What about you, boss?” I asked Adriano.
“Take her out drinking.”
“That’s it?” Bianca asked, annoyed.
“Drinking leads to fucking,” Adriano said, like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“Guess I know what you guys did,” Lucia teased her.
“No – ” Bianca protested.
“Uh, yeah,” Adriano said.
Bianca glared at him like WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM ALL OUR SECRETS?!
I looked over at Massimo. “What do you think?”
“Well,” he said, “you could always take her out to the woods in the middle of nowhere and stay in a cabin with only one bed in it.”
Everyone looked at him.
He shrugged. “Worked for me.”
Lucia laughed and admitted, “It did!”
“What are we talking about?” Niccolo asked as he walked in.
“We’re telling Giorgio where he should take his new girl on their first date,” Bianca explained.
“Oh, that’s easy,” Niccolo said. “The Giardino di Boboli.”
“The Bo-bo-lee gardens?” I asked, mystified. “Where’s that?”
“On the other side of the Arno River, just outside the Palazzo Pitti.”
“…Pee-tee…?”
Niccolo sighed in exasperation. “The palace was built for a rich banker named Luca Pitti in the 1400s. The Medicis acquired it a hundred years later and turned it into their primary residence. Over the centuries, it’s housed everybody from Napoleon’s sister to the last king of Italy.
The gardens were commissioned by Eleanora of Toledo, a Spanish princess who married a Medici in 1539.
Does no one else here know their history? ”
“Only you, you fuckin’ secchione,” Adriano said, using the Italian term for ‘nerd.’
Niccolo gave him a sour look. “At least I learned to use my brain.”
“Just not your dick,” Adriano shot back.
“Oh, he knows how to use his dick,” Sofia said with one arched eyebrow.
As the women laughed, Niccolo gave his wife a grateful nod and smile. “Thank you.”
“She has to say that,” Adriano said dismissively.
“No she doesn’t,” Niccolo replied.
“Yes she does,” Adriano snarked.
Niccolo ignored him and returned to his lecture.
“After Giuliano de’ Medici was murdered in a church on Easter Sunday, the Medicis became terrified of assassinations, so they commissioned an architect named Vasari to create a private passage for them over the Ponte Vecchio.
The Vasari Corridor linked the Boboli Gardens to their offices in what is now the Uffizi Gallery, so they could cross the Arno River safely.
“That’s why the Ponte Vecchio only has jewelry shops on it to this day. It used to have butchers, but the Medicis objected to the smell as they crossed the river in their private walkway, so they kicked out all the butchers and replaced them with goldsmiths. In fact, the Medicis – ”
“Enough with the fuckin’ Medicis!” Adriano yelled.
Niccolo looked irritated, but before he could say anything, Bianca changed the subject. “I went to the Boboli Gardens on a field trip when I was 11.”
Niccolo happily took the bait.
“Then you know the gardens are magnificent – some of the finest in all of Europe.” He turned to me.
“Stroll over to the Fountain of Neptune; the statuary is amazing. Go to the Isolotto and see the Fountain of the Ocean. It’s on an island full of orange and lemon trees, which were symbols of the Medici family.
Plus, there are plenty of garden mazes with walls made of hedges.
You can take her in one of them for a romantic kiss. ”
“And fuck in the bushes,” Lucia suggested.
“Do not fuck in the bushes,” Niccolo deadpanned.
“Should I take her to the Pitti Palace, too?” I asked.
“No, that place is boring as fuck,” Niccolo said.
Everyone laughed, even Alessandra.
“Trust me – take her to the Boboli Gardens,” Niccolo said, and gave a chef’s kiss. “It’s perfection.”
“…alright…” I said dubiously.
I decided after the date that I should have gone with anyone else’s suggestion.
Except for Alessandra’s.
Maybe not a church.