15. Uncharted Territory
15
Uncharted Territory
Ren
My heart hammered in my chest, an erratic beat that seemed to echo in my ears as Dorian’s lips met mine. It was soft, tentative, like he was waiting for me to catch up. The warmth of his mouth against mine felt like nothing I had ever imagined. So gentle, yet it sent a shock of electricity through me.
Our magic surged together. Silver threads of necromantic power wove around us, and the nearby spirit lights dimmed to a dreamy glow, as if giving us privacy. Even the protective runes in my emerald coat seemed to hum in response, their golden threads dancing with Dorian's silver magic in a way that felt ancient and right.
Every nerve ending seemed to come alive at once. My skin felt hypersensitive, tingling wherever he touched me. Heat bloomed in my chest and spread outward like wildfire, making my fingers tremble where they gripped his coat. My whole body felt like it was waking up, discovering sensations I'd never known were possible.
When his thumb brushed my jaw, guiding me closer, my knees went weak. I was grateful for his other hand steady at my waist, anchoring me as the world seemed to spin. Each brush of his lips sent sparks dancing down my spine, and I found myself arching into his touch without meaning to, seeking more of that intoxicating connection.
I had never kissed anyone before. I had read about it, heard others talk about it, but this was real, and it was Dorian . My breath caught in my throat as I tried to match his rhythm, unsure but eager, every nerve in my body alight. The kiss was so different from everything I’d ever known. His thumb brushed over my cheek, and I realized I was holding my breath, afraid that if I exhaled too hard, I might shatter the moment.
I was dizzy with sensation, overwhelmed by the rush of feelings that came with this first taste of intimacy. I kissed him back, trembling just slightly. For a moment, I let myself lean into him, savoring the simple, pure closeness of it, the way everything in the world felt as if it had fallen into place, just like this.
And for once, the awkwardness, the uncertainty, everything I’d carried with me for so long, felt like it didn’t matter. It was just Dorian and me here, and for the first time, I felt like I could just be Ren , with no barriers between us.
But as the kiss lingered, a flicker of doubt crept in, an unbidden guest at this perfect moment. I pulled back slightly, my lips still tingling from Dorian's touch. His green eyes met mine, warm and inviting, but I couldn't quite shake the nagging anxiety.
“What's wrong?” Dorian’s voice was soft, his brow furrowing with concern as he studied my face. His hands, warm and steady, rested on my shoulders, but I still felt like I was spinning.
I swallowed hard, feeling the heat creep up my face, embarrassed by how exposed I felt. “I’ve never... I mean, that was my first kiss. I don’t really know what I’m doing,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper, as if saying it out loud might make it more real, and more awkward.
Dorian’s expression softened. His fingers brushed a stray lock of hair from my forehead, the touch tender, almost reverent. “I'm honored to be your first, mo stóirín,” he murmured, the Gaelic endearment falling naturally from his lips. “In Ireland, we say that first kisses are blessed by the Fair Folk themselves, though I suspect what I'm feeling has more to do with you than any faerie magic.”
His hands were steady on my shoulders, grounding me even as my heart threatened to beat out of my chest. The way he looked at me like I was something precious, something worth cherishing made my breath catch. Even through my nervousness, I couldn't help but notice how the moonlight caught in his auburn hair, how his eyes seemed to hold fragments of every shade of green I'd ever seen.
“I sense there’s more troubling you than just inexperience,” he said.
His words pulled me back into the moment and away from the whirlpool of thoughts threatening to drown me. My cheeks burned, and my stomach twisted into knots. This was the part I had been dreading, the conversation I knew we would eventually have.
I took a deep, shaky breath, steeling myself for what I needed to say. But the words felt thick, stuck in my throat like a block of ice. “This is all new territory for me, Dorian. Not just the kissing, but... everything. I've never had anyone look at me the way you do. Like they see me. Really see me.” My hands gripped the fabric of my pants, seeking something to hold on to, as if grounding myself might make it easier to keep speaking. “And I...” I stumbled, searching for the right words, my chest tightening. I tried again. “My body is... I’m not—”
Dammit, why wasn’t there a class on how to do this? Why didn’t someone write a manual for moments like these?
I trailed off, the words tangled on my tongue. Dorian’s eyes never wavered from mine. They were patient, understanding, like he could see past my fear and frustration. He didn’t rush me. He simply waited, giving me space to breathe, to find my voice.
Finally, the words burst out of me, too fast and raw to hide. “Because I’m trans,” I managed, my voice cracking. “My body isn’t... it isn’t going to match what you’re used to. I’m not—”
“Stop,” Dorian said, his voice gentle but firm, his hand moving to cup my cheek. “Ren, I need you to listen to me.” His touch was warm, grounding me in a way that made the storm inside me quiet down, just a little. “None of that changes what I feel for you. I’m not attracted to some idea of masculinity, Ren. I’m attracted to you. Who you are, inside and out.”
I swallowed hard, still uncertain. “But... if you’re gay, and I’m...” I trailed off, my words hanging awkwardly in the air between us.
Dorian’s thumb brushed softly across my skin, his gaze soft and unwavering. “Ren, I don’t need you to fit into some pre-conceived box of masculinity for me. I’m attracted to you because of who you are, because of your kindness, your strength, the way you think, the way you care. You don’t need to be anything you’re not, or anything anyone expects. I’m here with you, because of you. That is what matters.”
The words sank in slowly, settling into my bones like a comforting warmth. I looked at Dorian, really looked at him, and saw nothing but sincerity in those green eyes. A lump formed in my throat, and I had to blink back the sudden sting of tears.
“You really mean that?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
Dorian's smile was soft, tender. “Every word. Ren, I care about you deeply. And that includes all of you, exactly as you are.”
I let out a shaky breath, feeling like a weight had lifted from my chest. For so long, I had carried this fear, this certainty that my identity would always be a barrier, a reason for rejection. But here was Dorian, looking at me with such open affection, accepting me wholly and unreservedly.
“I don't know what to say,” I admitted, a watery laugh escaping me. “I'm not used to... to this.”
Dorian's hand slid from my cheek to the back of my neck, gently pulling me closer until our foreheads touched. “Then I'll keep reminding you until you believe it in your bones. You are worthy of love and desire, Ren. Exactly as you are.” He hesitated, but only slightly. “May I kiss you again?” he asked, but this time his voice held a darker, more commanding note. His thumb traced my lower lip, and when I nodded, he took control of the kiss completely. There was nothing hesitant about it now; he kissed me like he was claiming me, like he knew exactly what he wanted and how to take it.
The heat of his body against mine was intoxicating, igniting a fire in my veins that I had never known before. I felt like a live wire, every sensation heightened beyond anything I'd experienced before. The press of his weight against me sent waves of heat through me, making me gasp against his mouth. His fingers in my hair sent shivers cascading down my spine, and when his tongue traced my bottom lip, I made a sound I'd never heard myself make before, something between a whimper and a moan that should have embarrassed me but only made me want more.
The world narrowed to points of contact: his hand at my waist, burning through layers of fabric; the gentle scrape of his stubble against my skin; the way his chest rose and fell against mine with each ragged breath. Every touch felt like discovering a new kind of magic, one that lived in the spaces between our heartbeats.
I was drowning in sensation, in the taste of him, the scent of his skin, the little noises he made in the back of his throat. Every point of contact between us felt electric, like sparks dancing on my skin.
The kiss deepened, and my whole body felt like it was on fire, as if every inch of me was responding to Dorian’s touch. His hands were everywhere, tangling in my hair, pulling me closer, his fingers warm against my skin.
But then, as I adjusted, I felt the hard ridge of his erection press against my leg. It was impossible to ignore, and I froze, my breath catching.
A wave of uncertainty swept over me, but it quickly shifted to something else. Something heady. Sexy. A feeling I’d never allowed myself to believe I deserved. Heat pooled low in my belly, a molten sensation that made me tremble. Every brush of his hands left trails of fire on my skin, and I found myself pressing closer, craving more of that electric contact. My breath came in short gasps, and my heart hammered so hard I was sure he must be able to feel it. It was overwhelming, but in the best possible way. It was like standing on the edge of something extraordinary, knowing you're about to fall but trusting completely that you'll be caught.
The realization that I could affect him this way, that my touch could make his breath hitch and his hands tighten on my waist, was intoxicating. It made me feel powerful and vulnerable all at once, like I was finally inhabiting my body fully, discovering its capacity for pleasure without shame or fear. My chest tightened, but not with fear; no, this was different. This was the kind of attention I’d spent years convincing myself I wasn’t worthy of.
I pulled back just enough to breathe, my forehead still resting against his, my pulse racing. I could feel the heat in my cheeks, and I was sure I was blushing—hard. I couldn’t even look at him at first, feeling exposed, embarrassed, and… something else, too.
“Are you—” I swallowed hard, my voice coming out breathless and shaky. “Is this okay? I mean…”
Dorian’s hand immediately found my face again, his thumb brushing across my cheek in that familiar, grounding way. He took a deep breath, his voice low and steady as he spoke, making my heart race even more. “Ren,” he said softly, “let me be clear. We go at your pace. I’m not asking for anything more than what you want to give. If you want to stop, if you’re ever uncomfortable, just say the word, okay?”
I blinked, trying to steady my breath, my cheeks burning hotter now. His words wrapped around me like a blanket, easing the panic I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding on to. But there was still that undercurrent of warmth in my chest.
“Okay,” I whispered, the words coming out slowly, unsure but… I was sure of this. “I’m okay.” I looked up at him then, my heart skipping as the next words slipped from my mouth before I could stop them. “You make me feel... sexy.”
My face burned even more, and I ducked my head, a little embarrassed but also proud to have said it.
Dorian’s smile softened, a flicker of pride and tenderness in his eyes, and something deeper that made my chest tighten with the force of it. He kissed me again, but this time it was softer, more affectionate, and I could feel the reassurance in every movement. He wasn’t pushing me, he was just here, with me.
We lingered there for a long moment, just holding each other, our breaths mingling in the quiet. My heart was still racing, my skin tingling from Dorian's touch, but slowly, the urgency faded into something softer, more intimate.
When we finally pulled apart, Dorian's eyes were shining, his smile gentle and a little awed. “You're incredible, you know that?” he murmured, brushing a stray lock of hair from my forehead.
I ducked my head, feeling the blush creeping up my neck again. “Thanks,” I mumbled, but I couldn't stop the grin tugging at my lips.
“Come on,” he said, taking my hand and lacing our fingers together. “Let me walk you back to your room.”
We took our time, strolling through the quiet campus, the cool night air a welcome balm against my heated skin. Dorian kept my hand clasped firmly in his, his thumb brushing over my knuckles every so often, sending little shivers up my arm.
Spirit lights drifted alongside us like curious stars, drawn to our mingled magic. The enchanted jack-o'-lanterns that lined the path shifted color as we passed, their flames turning a soft, dreamy purple. Even the night-blooming flowers seemed to lean toward us, releasing their sweet perfume into the cool autumn air.
Grim had emerged from wherever he'd been hiding during the ball, now perched contentedly on my shoulder. His tiny antennae twitched occasionally, and I swore I could see him weaving small protection spells with his silk, the strands glowing faintly in the darkness.
It felt surreal, walking hand in hand with Dorian, like something out of a dream. I kept sneaking glances at him, marveling at the strong line of his jaw, the way the moonlight caught in his chestnut hair. He caught me looking once, and I quickly glanced away, biting my lip to hide my smile. It was almost enough to let me forget about the mark on my forehead and all this human sacrifice business.
Almost.
As we came onto my floor, I felt a strange mix of elation and reluctance. I didn't want this night to end, didn't want to let go of Dorian's hand or the magic that seemed to shimmer in the air between us. But at the same time, I was acutely aware of the dark smudge on my forehead, the looming questions that still hung over me.
Dorian must have sensed my hesitation because he paused, turning to face me. His eyes searched mine with a flicker of concern. “Hey,” he said softly, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “Are you all right?”
I took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. “Yeah, I just...” I glanced down the hall, then back at Dorian. “Tonight has been... incredible. But I can't stop thinking about, you know. Everything else.”
Dorian's expression softened, and he reached up with his free hand to brush his thumb over the mark on my forehead. The touch sent a shiver down my spine, but it was soothing too, like he was trying to erase the weight of it. “I know. But we'll figure it out, Ren. Together. You're not alone.”
I nodded, leaning into his touch, letting his certainty wash over me. “Thank you, Dorian.”
Dorian smiled that soft, tender smile that made my heart flutter in my chest. “You don't need to thank me, Ren. I'm here because I want to be. Because I care about you.”
We stood there for a moment, just looking at each other, and I felt like I could drown in the warmth of his gaze. It was almost too much, too big for my chest to contain. I was about to say something, although I had no idea what, when Dorian spoke again.
“I know this is all new, and there's a lot going on,” he started. “But I was wondering...” He paused, and for the first time, I saw a flicker of nervousness in his eyes. “Would you like to go on a date with me? A proper one, I mean. In a few days, when things have settled a bit? Just dinner at the cottage with me and Bones. Nothing too involved.”
My heart leapt into my throat, and for a second, I forgot how to breathe. A date. With Dorian. A real, honest-to-god date.
“Yes,” I blurted out, probably a bit too eagerly.
Dorian's face lit up with a grin that made my heart skip a beat. “Wonderful!” He gave my hand one last squeeze before reluctantly letting go. “Wednesday night, then? Shall we say, six o’clock?”
“Definitely,” I said, already counting down the hours.
We lingered there for a moment longer, neither of us quite ready to say goodnight. The air between us felt charged, heavy with possibility and things still unsaid. Dorian's hand came up to cup my cheek, his thumb brushing over my lower lip in a way that made my breath catch. Our magic reached for each other instinctively, creating delicate patterns of silver light that danced around us like fireflies.
“I should go,” he murmured, but he made no move to leave. Instead, his eyes dropped to my mouth, and I felt my pulse quicken. “But I find myself rather reluctant to end this evening.”
I leaned into his touch, feeling bold enough to nuzzle slightly against his palm. The sharp intake of his breath made heat pool in my stomach. “Then don't,” I whispered, surprised by my own daring.
He let out a soft sigh. “I don’t want to rush this, Ren. I want us to take our time.”
I nodded slowly, understanding. Warmth spread through my chest at the realization that Dorian cared enough about me to slow down, even though we both clearly wanted more.
He leaned down and pressed a sweet, chaste kiss to my lips. “Sweet dreams, Ren,” he murmured against my mouth.
“You too,” I whispered back, feeling a bit dazed.
With a final smile, Dorian turned and headed back down the hall. He paused at the corner, turning back to look at me one last time. The way his eyes traveled over me, slow and heated, made my skin tingle even from this distance. Our magic was still reaching for each other, creating gossamer threads of silver light between us that stretched and thinned but didn't break.
Only when he finally disappeared from view did the threads dissolve, leaving behind a lingering warmth that felt like a promise. My lips still tingled from his kiss, and my body hummed with an awareness I'd never felt before. Even the mark on my forehead felt warmer somehow, more like a caress than a brand.
A date. A real date. I could hardly believe it. My heart fluttered at the thought, and I pressed my hand to my chest, trying to steady the erratic beat. It felt like everything had shifted in the span of a single, soft kiss and a promise of something more. Something simple, something just for us.
I turned back to my door, the soft click of the latch echoing in the quiet hall. With a sigh, I leaned against the doorframe, a small, contented smile tugging at my lips.
Wednesday couldn’t come soon enough.