Chapter 4
Dayyan
“Why are you sitting on the windowsill?” My little brother looks at me with raised eyebrows.
“Mom says we’re not allowed to climb on the windowsill.” Of course, the other one immediately jumps in to help. Firas and Nael are seven years old, a whole twelve years younger than me. But that obviously doesn’t stop them from lecturing me.
“I’m reading. And you’re allowed to sit on this windowsill. Look, this window is different from the others. It sticks out a bit, and the sill is much bigger and sturdier than on the other windows in the house.”
“Why don’t you read on the sofa?”
“Or in your bed?”
“Because I like it here.” And because I can see the street from here.
The same street Jannis walks down on his way to the schoolyard.
My room faces the garden, which is rather inconvenient in that case.
But of course I don’t tell the twins that, because they’d tell our parents, and I can do without that.
I know it’s more than a little pathetic to sit by the window hoping someone might come by. The book in my hand is more of an excuse than actual reading material, because I can’t look at the book and the street at the same time.
Four eyes stare at me penetratingly and I turn the page. And then again for good measure, when the two of them are still standing there and staring at me after what feels like an eternity.
“Don’t you want to go play? Or go out in the garden. Flocke is outside.”
As if she heard me, my dog starts barking excitedly. She only does that when she knows someone. Confused, I get up to check on her, only to find that she’s not behind the house. Fuck, I hope she’s not barking at people passing by. Nobody needs that. Annoyed, I run around the house. “Flocke! Sto...”
The P gets stuck in my throat because my dog doesn’t get excited over just anyone. “Jannis! Hey!”
My voice doesn’t sound like me at all, and I stumble over both words. So cool. What the hell is wrong with me? “Are you on your way to the schoolyard?”
“Not necessarily.” With both hands deep in the pockets of his jeans, he smiles at me sheepishly. “I... I wanted to ask if you two wanted to go for a walk.”
My heart is racing again. Maybe I should see a cardiologist after all. My father can probably recommend someone. “I’ll just get my backpack, okay?”
I quickly run into the house and while Flocke demands Jannis keeps petting her, I try to sneak past my brothers.
They are kids, I get it, but they’re terribly curious when I bring people home.
It was really bad with my last girlfriend; the two of them literally talked about moving into my room.
I love them both, I seriously do, but a minimum of privacy is definitely not negotiable.
I close the front door behind me as quietly as possible, only to realize a moment later that all my caution was completely unnecessary.
My brothers are sitting on the ground next to Jannis, bombarding him with so many questions, he doesn’t even have time to answer any of them.
Completely overwhelmed and with panic in his eyes, he looks back and forth between Firas and Nael, but doesn’t say a word.
“Shall we go?” Almost relieved, Jannis looks up at me and nods quickly.
“Can we...”
“No way.” I don’t need to hear the rest of the question to know what Nael wants. Disappointed, the two of them hang their heads. “You’re both already going to school, you’ve definitely met other kids. Go hang out with your own friends.”
A cautious smile twitches at the corner of Jannis’s mouth at my last word. Only very slightly, but I’m sure I saw it.
“Where do you go to school?” We’ve been walking side by side in silence for quite a while, and his quiet, deep voice startles me.
“Um, I’m not at school yet. My old school thought it’d make more sense for me to finish the school year online and take my exams so I can complete my 12th grade there. I’ll officially transfer after your Pentecost break.”
“And which school will you transfer to?”
“Goethe Gymnasium. It’s the closest to where we live.”
“That’s right. It’s my school too. Shouldn’t you be graduating this year?”
Ah, he can do math. “I started school a year later.” He looks at me questioningly, but remains silent.
Theoretically, I could just ignore the “why” in his gaze, but for some reason I don’t.
“I was a preemie and needed a bit more time. I’m still not a particularly good student, but I’m getting by somehow.
At least it was like that in Hessen, let’s see what’s required in Baden-Württemberg.
” School is a shitty subject. Nothing ever came easily to me, and I have to fight for every good grade.
“I can help you.” The words leave his lips very quietly, almost inaudibly.
He doesn’t look at me, as if he’s embarrassed by his offer.
I don’t understand why, but there are a lot of things I don’t understand.
Because even though he was the one initiating today’s meeting, he’s not really present.
A shadow surrounds him and it gets denser the longer we’re out.
Sometimes Jannis still shines through, like right now, and I’d like to hold on to him, but he keeps slipping back into his darkness.
“Are you serious? That would be awesome. Are you like… a high achiever?”
“Luca is the high achiever, but I’m pretty good too.” Envy wells up in my stomach.
“Would it be okay if I asked to have as many classes as possible with you?” The idea of already knowing someone takes away at least some of my anxiety of this big new start, and his offer takes away my worries I won’t be able to keep up.
We fall back into silence walking slowly side by side while Flocke romps around us and sniffs.
I turn left toward the dog area, but Jannis keeps walking.
Without questioning him, I follow, trusting him.
A strange feeling of safety flows into every corner of my consciousness when we are together.
I don’t understand why, we hardly know each other, but as I said, there are many things I don’t understand when it comes to Jannis, and I don’t want to question my feelings.
Not where they come from and not what they mean.
***
“It’s not as busy here as it is on the dragon meadow.
” Via a narrow pathway through the woods we’ve reached an underground water reservoir.
The entrance is a beautiful old brick building surrounded by a clearing with wild flowers and high grass, where Flocke is chasing butterflies.
Not that she stands a chance, but it’s a nice game for her.
“It’s beautiful here. Thank you for showing me all these places.”
“Thank you for walking around with me.” Again, there is something going on that I don’t understand. His statement, combined with the tremor in his voice and the uncertainty in his eyes, which almost borders on despair, doesn’t make sense.
“I like walking around with you.” So much.