Chapter 9
Jannis
I’m at Danny’s grave and again I’m not alone.
Dayyan is here. This time he’s sitting next to me, saying nothing, just being there.
I’m not alone with these feelings that weigh me down and constrict my lungs.
For the first time, I don’t feel like I’m suffocating when I’m here looking at this patch of earth.
I’ll never forget how they lowered the coffin.
His mother’s cries so loud in my ears and my own so loud in my head.
The silent tears that ran down my cheeks, and no one knew the meaning of them.
The long line of people throwing flowers on the coffin along with a shovel-full of earth.
His friends, who were allowed to show their despair so openly because everyone understood who they had lost. I couldn’t even say goodbye properly, couldn’t lay a hand on the coffin, my “I love you” was quiet, so quiet that I’m still afraid he didn’t hear me where he is now.
I never had the chance to say it out loud while looking him in the eyes.
Those beautiful blue eyes that always sparkled a little more when he looked at me.
They were so tired and cloudy on the last day we saw each other.
I gently stroke Flocke’s thick fur. At some point, she must have decided I could use some love and laid her big fluffy head in my lap.
Dayyan tried to stop her, but she’s damn stubborn when she’s set her mind on something.
I’m glad she’s here. She grounds me to the here and now, and reminds me that for the first time in three years, I’m not alone.
“Hey Danny.” In my head, my voice is quiet but firm.
I’ll probably never know what it sounds like in real life because I don’t plan on ever saying these words out loud.
“I brought someone with me. This is Dayyan. I hope that’s okay.
You don’t know him, he just moved here recently.
But...” I look to my left and there he is.
Not on his phone or with his head in the clouds, Dayyan is here, looking me in the eyes.
His gaze asks me if I’m okay, if there’s anything he can do, giving me all the time in the world.
My stomach feels warm again, but I try to ignore the feeling, not wanting to admit how important Dayyan has become to me over the last few weeks.
Not here. Not now. Never. “I miss you, Danny. Where are you right now? Are you okay? I wish you were still here.” I wouldn’t have to question the warm feeling in my stomach then, I’d know it’s from his laughter, from his fingers on my bare skin, from his lips on mine, from his cheek against mine.
Tears fill my eyes again. So many small intimate moments. Gone. From one day to the next. Only an emptiness left that crushed me and a paralyzing coldness. A warm hand touches my shoulder and I turn to Dayyan.
“We should go. The gates close in five minutes.” I nod and stand up. Everything hurts, the ground was anything but comfortable. But sometimes it’s better to at least feel pain, better than nothing at all.
“Take care, Danny. See you next time. I miss you so much.” I say my silent farewell, then I turn around and leave. With quick steps, without looking back, I won’t make it otherwise. I only stop once we reach my house.
“Jannis, I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling, but if there’s anything I can do, I’m here, okay?” Dayyan is already doing so much more than he realizes. “Can I hug you one more time?”
He closes the distance between us with open arms, and I meet him halfway, letting my forehead fall onto his shoulder and letting him hold me. At least for this brief moment.
Somehow, I manage to get to my room unnoticed.
Exhausted, I slip out of my clothes and collapse onto my bed.
My head is spinning, my body is sending me signals I don’t understand.
Or... don’t want to understand. At the cemetery, I was so caught up in my thoughts about Danny, I didn’t question what was going on inside me.
The mental rollercoaster started on the way back and reached its emotional climax in the hug in front of our house.
I miss Danny, there’s no question about that, but still there’s this warm feeling in my stomach when I see Dayyan, when we laugh together.
The moments when I look forward to seeing Dayyan are becoming more and more frequent, the pain is changing.
But when the pain goes away, what will be left of Danny and me? If I don’t think about him all the time anymore, will I forget him? I don’t want to forget him.
Before Danny, I was sure that I’d never meet anyone who’d accept me for who I am.
That I’d always be the freak who understands everything but doesn’t speak.
Then we had to do this biology project together.
It was about sexuality, and Danny asked me a ton of questions about my fathers.
Louis had already come out too. I’ll never forget the uncertainty in his eyes when he asked me the crucial question.
“And you? Are you also ...?”
“Gay?”
I have to smile. We both whispered, even though Danny’s parents were at work as usual.
“I think I am too.” His answer to my silent nod. “Have you ever kissed a boy?”
My disbelieving laughter startled him, and I quickly replied with my phone. “Are you serious? Nobody talks to me. Why would anyone want to kiss me?”
“I want to kiss you.” Everything was laid out in his eyes for me to see—excitement, uncertainty, desire.
That was the moment that changed our entire relationship.
We were together for four months. For four months, there was someone who wanted to spend time with me.
Who was happy to see me, outside of my family, of course.
Then Danny was gone, and I was even more alone than before.
Before him, I didn’t know any different.
After his death, there was a void I was sure no one would ever fill again.
And then, out of the blue, Dayyan stood in front of me and hasn’t left since.
I know what the warm feeling in my stomach means.
Even though I don’t have much experience, I’m not stupid.
But I can’t allow myself to feel that way, it feels like betrayal, and when I do give in, like when we hugged at the door, it almost tears me apart when I’m alone.
I realize what’s happening to me and I should really break off contact with Dayyan; he’s getting too close to me.
Starting next week, we’ll be in the same class, like. ..
The realization washes over me like a bucket of ice water.
Starting next week, we will no longer be alone.
Everything will be different. So far, Dayyan knows nothing about my selective mutism; so far, I am normal to him.
What if he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore when he realizes what’s going on with me?
So far, he has only me. What if he makes friends with others and finds me too exhausting? What if ...?
I turn around and bury my face in my pillow.
Yes, I know how stupid my thoughts are right now.
Two minutes ago, I wanted to cut off all contact with Dayyan, and now my heart is threatening to jump out of my chest because I’m afraid he might cut me out of his life when he finds out who I really am.
But doesn’t he already know who I really am?
Isn’t he one of the few people who really know me?