Chapter 11
Jannis
Fuck. I underestimated this whole situation; I should’ve talked to him before, when we were alone.
Now I’m standing in the school’s office, and even though everyone there knows I communicate with my phone, Dayyan doesn’t.
He thinks I’m completely normal. But there are too many people here, I can’t possibly speak, and if I use my phone.
.. yes, why the hell am I using my phone?
He’ll want an explanation, but just the thought of discussing this at school makes my chest tighten.
Somehow, I keep my head above water by shaking my head and nodding. Pointing is also very popular right now. And Dayyan? He looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. Completely understandable when someone you’ve been talking to normally for almost seven weeks suddenly starts acting like a monkey.
The answer comes immediately. “That’s fun, I’m good enough for such services now.” Nevertheless, less than ten seconds later, Valérie is standing at our table to help me and accompany Dayyan.
“See you later?” He was practically out the door. Fuck. I slowly shake my head. Not because I don’t want to see him. I do want to see him. But I’m sure he’ll ask questions, and I’m scared shitless of what will happen if I answer them honestly.
To escape my thoughts, I send another message to Val. “Thanks, owe you one.” I don’t get a reply, but I didn’t expect one.
Being alone has always been part of my reality.
Not having any friends of my own. Always being the tagalong in a group of friends who don’t really know me.
It’s different when I’m out with my brothers, but they’re family.
I was always okay with that, even after Danny’s death.
Back then it was rather hard for me to tolerate anyone but my family, and I have to admit, Val had to put up with more shit than was reasonable.
But now with Dayyan... there’s this overwhelming fear that things between us fall apart when he finds out that I’m. .. different, complicated.
My chest tightens at the thought of sitting alone in the schoolyard waiting for him. Not talking and laughing with him anymore. I don’t want to lose him.
As a friend. Not more. Just as a friend. I don’t know why my heart is beating so fast. I love Danny. Danny. I don’t even know if Dayyan is into guys. It’s completely irrelevant anyways. Absolutely out of the question.
I just don’t want to lose him.
The last two lessons passed by in a blur. I can’t remember anything. That’s the advantage of not talking. You can completely drift off because no one expects you to participate. A luxury.
To avoid bumping into Dayyan in the bike cellar, I spend about ten minutes reading the substitute schedule and another ten minutes reading the announcements on the student council board. Not that I care that the gospel choir is looking for new members.
Completely lost in thought and on autopilot, I walk down the stairs and push my way through the heavy door.
“Hey.”
Fuck, for a moment I think I’m having a heart attack or something. I quickly look around to see if we’re alone. “Hey. What are you still doing here?”
“I was waiting for you.” Just what I didn’t want. Fantastic.
“Why?” My tone is a little harsher than I intended, but Dayyan responds calmly and warmly. Just like always, and my heart softens. Please don’t let me down. Please don’t make fun of me.
“Isn’t it obvious? I want to ride home with you.”
“Is that so?” Hope spreads through my chest, but I need to be sure. “Aren’t you fed up with me already after this morning?”
Dayyan just looks at me blankly. “Why? Was that your strategy? Do you want to get rid of me?”
What? Oh my God! No! Shit! How do I get out of this? I quickly shake my head.
A door closes behind us with a bang and I turn around. “Oh, you’re still here.”
Torben “Asshole to the millionth degree” Sauer. If anyone wants to make my life hell here, it’s him.
“We were just about to leave,” Dayyan replies curtly, pushing his bike past him toward the exit, and I follow as quickly as possible.
***
We ride side by side in silence until we reach the dragon meadow, when Dayyan speaks up. “What happened today? And don’t bullshit me.”
I want to answer him, but my mouth remains shut. Every muscle is frozen, fear flooding my body and my brain. What if I can no longer speak to Dayyan? What will happen then?
In front of our house, I pull out my phone, my only chance to communicate, but it feels so wrong. “Later, okay?” says my computer voice. “I’ll explain, I promise. Can I pick you up at three?”
***
Dayyan has agreed. I have three hours to somehow prepare myself mentally and emotionally for this conversation, but the words won’t come. After an hour, I throw my water bottle against the wall in frustration, and the first tears start to fall. “Fuck!”
I scream, at least my vocal cords are still working. Crap, I hear footsteps on the ground floor. Is Luca at home? Paps is working, he left the house with me this morning.
“Jannis? Déjà rentré?” Papa is obviously working from home today, something I only realize when he pokes his head through the crack in my door. Can this shitty day get any shittier? “Tu veux en parler? Can I sit with you?”
I nod. Not because I couldn’t say no. That wouldn’t be a problem, at least not with Papa—he’d accept that and leave.
“Okay, what’s going on? You’re usually not the one throwing things around in this house.”
“I...” Oh my God, where do I even start? “Um, I met someone. A few weeks ago at the schoolyard. And we meet up regularly in the afternoons. Actually, all the time.”
My father smiles. “Oh, that’s why you’re never home these days. Paps was getting worried.”
“And you weren’t?”
Papa grins while shaking his head. “If it was Louis maybe, Luca definitely, but not with you.”
I roll my eyes. “Ah, I’m the boring one. You know that’s not a compliment, right?”
Light laughter fills the room. “I didn’t mean it that way, and you know it. But you’re more thoughtful and responsible than your two brothers combined. And less impulsive. Don’t change the subject, keep going.”
“His name is Dayyan, he and his family just moved here, and we get along well.”
“See, I always said that you’re not the problem, nor is the way you communicate.
” My father knows it was difficult for me to fit in at school from the beginning and also that this is largely due to my selective mutism.
Children can be cruel, and I haven’t been able to get rid of Torben since first grade.
Torben always made sure everyone knew I was a freak and that anyone who befriended me was too.
Anyone who came to my birthday parties also got that label.
After the first disaster, I never celebrated again.
“He... Dayyan doesn’t know how I communicate. I speak with him. I have no idea why or how it happened, but... it feels good. At least it did until today. Now everything sucks.”
Papa gently puts his arm around my shoulder, and I let myself slide into his arms until my head is resting on his lap.
“Tell me.”
“Dayyan joined my class today, but I don’t speak at school, which he doesn’t know because I haven’t told him, and now he asked what was wrong.
I wanted to answer, but nothing came out.
Nothing. I had to take out my phone. What if he thinks I’m a total freak now, just like everyone else, and doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore?
” My voice has become increasingly shrill over the last two minutes.
Papa’s fingers slide through my hair, just like Dayyan’s did last week at the cemetery. It calms me a little, but not enough.
“You like him, huh? I understand it’s scary. But sometimes you have to be brave if you really want something. And sometimes you have to trust in other people. If it goes wrong, they’re not right for you. What did you say to him?”
“I asked if I could pick him up later.”
“And what did he say?”
“He nodded.”
I hear the smile in Papa’s voice. “But that’s great. He wants to see you. He could have said no, right?” Admittedly, he has a point. I wasn’t capable of that kind of logic earlier. “When are you meeting?”
I look at my watch and grimace. Almost two hours to go.
Papa understands. It took me a while to talk to my fathers, so he’s had plenty of time to learn and understand every little facial expression and gesture. “Ah, it’ll be a while. Let’s assume your friend is just as confused as you are. Do you think he’d mind if you went over right now?”
***
Six minutes later, I’m standing in front of Dayyan’s house ringing the doorbell. My phone is in my hand, there’s still a possibility it’s not him opening the door, but when I see the dark curls in the crack of the door, I’m instantly calmer.
A surprised smile spreads across Dayyan’s face, stretching from his lips to his eyes. “Hey, you’re early.”
And as if nothing ever happened, I hear my voice and relief washes over me. “I didn’t want to wait any longer. Is that okay? Can we talk?”
He steps aside to make way. “Do you want to come in? We’re alone.”
Dayyan’s room isn’t big, but it’s cozy and there’s everything you need.
“Sit down.” With a sweeping gesture, he points between the bed and the sofa, and I choose the latter. It feels strange to be inside, somehow intimate, and for a brief moment I’m overwhelmed by all the new impressions, the new closeness.
“Why don’t you speak at school?” Sure, just get straight to the point, why don’t you? Oh my God.
“I don’t just not speak at school. I don’t speak with anyone except my close family.”
Confused, Dayyan looks first at me, then at himself. “Maybe I’m missing something here, but... we talk. We always have.”
Helplessly, I shrug my shoulders. “To be honest, I have no idea what went wrong there. I have selective mutism. That means I can speak—obviously—but not with everyone and not in every situation. It’s trauma related.”
“Who do you speak with then? Aside from me, that is.” His cheeky grin makes me laugh, and just as it is with Dayyan, everything feels easy again.
“Papa, Paps, Louis and Luca. At home I speak normally, but in public, I whisper in their ears when there are people too close around us.”
“And when you can’t speak, you use your phone?” Okay, he’s asking questions. That’s going well, right?
“Yeah, exactly. I have a special app and it’s really not that big of a deal if the other person is willing to go along with it.”
Dayyan frowns thoughtfully. “Is it difficult at school?”
“Not with the teachers, but with the others in the class, yes. It’s been from the beginning. Someone always decided that I was weird and got everyone else to go along with it. I never had a chance.”
“Why didn’t you tell me what was going on? We could’ve thought about today beforehand, you could’ve told me what you need.”
I swallow hard. Is he serious? There’s no pity in his eyes, just curiosity and compassion.
He’s not making fun of me, he’s not trying to take my burden all by himself.
Dayyan is asking for a strategy for the both of us.
My lower lip is trembling, and I don’t cry easily, not in front of others, but this is too much.
In no time he’s next to me on the sofa. “Can I?”
He wants to hug me, and I nod because it feels right with Dayyan.
It was more complicated with Danny. The thought comes out of nowhere.
I can’t do this with Dayyan. I need to leave as quickly as possible.
My mind is spiraling, but my body refuses to cooperate, yearning for the closeness of another person too much, the warmth, the unfamiliar heartbeat next to my own, and I push my guilty conscience aside.
It’s just a hug, we’re just friends. It’s okay.
I’m just not used to it, that’s why it feels so extreme to me.
Actually, there’s nothing wrong with it. Nothing at all.
“Starting tomorrow, you can use your phone or whisper in my ear, whichever you prefer. It’s no problem at all. Okay?” Okay...