Chapter 13
Dayyan
When Jannis told me he didn’t have any friends, I was sure he was joking.
But after only one week, I have to admit he was right.
In fact, it’s even worse than that, because not only does he have no friends, he really doesn’t have anyone.
No one to talk to, not even about trivial things like homework or the weather.
You’d think I’m the only person who can see him.
Me and Valérie, though she’s constantly teasing him.
Not in a nasty way, not to hurt, but she wants a reaction and Jannis doesn’t give it to her.
There’s an interesting dynamic between these two.
I’ve always had a lot of people around me, and I can’t imagine what it must be like for Jannis.
From what I’ve seen of him, he’s actually a communicative person with a really good, dry sense of humor.
I’d even go so far as to say that he’s not a totally quiet person when he has the chance to be himself.
Unfortunately, the kids at this school force him to be this reserved person who’s motto seems to be don’t disturb, don’t stand out.
But his appearance is so striking, it doesn’t really work. His shoulder-length angelic curls alone are eye-catching, and then there are his eyes. I’ve never seen such an eye color before. It’s impossible for him to hide in the crowd, which makes it all the more obvious that everyone’s avoiding him.
“Have you always been so alone?” We sit on a bench on the dragon meadow and watch Flocke run across the field with other dogs.
Jannis’s mouth twitches and he lowers his head to his chest. “The story isn’t that easy to tell.”
“I’ll listen if you want to tell me.”
“You know that I was adopted and that my mother died of an overdose.” I nod, not wanting to throw him off with words.
“I was six years old when I came to live with my fathers. A few months before I had to start school. Obviously, I can’t remember what it was like when I was a baby, who can, right?
I don’t really have any sense of time from my first six years anyways.
We moved around a lot, lots of new apartments, each one dirtier than the last. There were a lot of strange men.
I suspect my mother turned to prostitution to finance her drug addiction.
The situation was very confusing, and it was hard sort out the details after she died. ”
“How did they find you?”
“Neighbors called the police. They hadn’t seen my mother for a while and the TV was on day and night.
Someone in the building remembered seeing a child once or twice.
By that time, my mother had been dead for a week and was lying in her bed with a syringe next to her.
It always smelled bad in our apartment; I didn’t find the smell that noticeable. ”
I don’t want to interrupt him, but I need to know. “You didn’t realize she was dead? Who took care of you?”
“I thought she was asleep. She often slept when I was awake. And she basically never took care of me. Nothing changed for me. The only thing that worried me was that the refrigerator was getting emptier and emptier.”
If I ever feel like I have serious, unsolvable problems in my life, I’ll think of six-year-old Jannis. Holy shit. “How did you find out all of this?”
“My fathers worked with Child Protective Services to reconstruct as much as possible so they could give me at least a little bit of my past.” His fathers seem like amazing men who only thought of the needs of this child.
“Was it clear from the beginning that you’d stay with them long-term, or was it just a temporary solution at first?”
Jannis thinks for a moment before answering.
“I don’t remember ever being afraid of having to leave.
No one ever gave me the impression that it might only be temporary.
Today I know that there are actually emergency foster homes for children like me and that a permanent foster family is only sought later.
But there was no emergency foster home available and Katharina, who was my guardian at Child Protection Service, knew my fathers from Louis.
She knew that they were basically open to taking in a second foster child.
Lou hadn’t been adopted yet. The call came as a surprise because they weren’t listed as available at the time, but they said yes within a few hours and picked me up from hospital with Katharina.
My life could’ve turned out very differently. ”
This sends a chill down my spine. How many coincidences came together to give Jannis his new start. “When were you adopted?”
“Four years later, when I was ten. Like Louis and Luca, I changed my last name with the adoption. I didn’t want to carry the same name as a woman who didn’t give a flying fuck about me.
I wanted to belong to the family that still shows me every day what unconditional love means, that is always there for me, that fought for me and with me, so that I am who I am today. ”
I swallow and nod in agreement, understanding his decision completely. I can’t even imagine how Jannis must have felt, not even in my worst nightmares.
“But how could your mother fly under the radar for so long?”
“She probably didn’t. It’s likely that we moved whenever the authorities got too close.
When someone informed Child Protective Services, or something like that.
I never went to kindergarten, and I can’t remember anyone other than my mother.
I can’t remember ever going to the pediatrician either.
When they found me, my hair was matted and I had itchy eczema all over my body.
It took Paps forever to get my curls back to normal.
It was difficult because I wasn’t used to anyone touching me at all.
Coming into this new family alone was a huge change.
I didn’t really know how to interact with other people; until then, I had never spoken to anyone except myself and the TV. ”
My face just fell. “But you could talk?”
“Produce words, yes, but I had no idea how interaction worked, so I didn’t speak at first.”
“But you talk to everyone now?”
“Yes, it took a while though. I spoke to Louis first, much later to my fathers, even after I started school. They got me a tablet with this app I’m using.
Nika, Paps’s best friend, works with children with disabilities.
Some of them can’t speak either and communicate with devices.
She had the idea of trying that with me.
She taught us a few basic signs too. In the beginning, it was equipped with symbols and pictograms, but when I learned to read and write, we changed the interface.
Now there’s an app for phones, which is a real luxury.
” He paused, before asking. “Are you still hanging in there, or are you already bored?”
Bored? Is he the being serious?! “That’s a tough story and I can hardly fathom you had to go through that. I’m so sorry. I really am.”
Jannis just shrugs. “Don’t be. I’ve never known anything else. And nobody hurt me or anything.”
“Neglect is child abuse too.” My mouth is faster than my brain.
“That’s true. My ‘damage’...” He puts the word damage in quotation marks with his fingers.
“…wasn’t visible at first glance. No black eyes, no broken bones.
But there was a lot going on in here, in my head.
I just wasn’t... equipped for society. Not aggressive or anything, just withdrawn and anxious.
I was with my fathers for three months, then school started.
Most kids had known each other since kindergarten, and I didn’t know anyone.
Louis was already in high school, so I was very lonely.
At the beginning, a few kids were interested in me, but then Torben came along.
And Torben quickly made it crystal clear to the class that I was weird, and so was anyone who tried to talk to me.
Eventually, no one dared to approach me anymore because no one wanted to be picked on by Torben. ”
What an asshole. Anger rises in me. “And that hasn’t changed to this day. Honestly, he could’ve been held back a year, right? But that means you were always alone?”
“At school, yes. But since I never knew anything else, it only got bad after Danny died. Before that, I wondered what it’d be like to have friends.
People who weren’t family. And I was jealous too, imagining what I’d talk about or how I’d play with them, but I didn’t know this bottomless emptiness before.
” A lonely tear rolls down Jannis’s cheek.
Very slowly, so as not to startle him, I raise my hand and move closer to his face until my thumb gently wipes away the tear. I flinch when Jannis inhales sharply and closes his eyes, but I don’t pull away.