Chapter 43
Jannis
“How do you know your way around here so well?” Holding hands, Dayyan and I stroll through the small, winding alleys of Gengenbach's old town center.
“My great-grandmother was from here. When we were younger, we often came here to the playground, and we go here for Fasent. Unfortunately, you were sick this year, so I couldn’t drag you along.” I still get chills down my spine when I think about that flu.
“Is the playground still there?”
“Yes, it’s pretty much the same actually.”
“And what’s that over there?” Dayyan points to a large, old building.
“That’s the old monastery complex. Today it houses the university. The old herb garden is still there. Come on, this way.” I lead Dayyan through the maze of buildings, and his amazed eyes make me smile.
Gengenbach has an incredible number of tourists. It’s still okay in April, but the summer months are intense, and I keep wondering why people come here on vacation. Then I see the awe of people who are here for the first time and well, maybe I’m just an ignorant asshole.
“Oh, look at that amazing tree.” Dayyan looks up at the large magnolia tree in full bloom in the courtyard of the monastery garden. It glows in white, pink, and burgundy, and he’s right, it’s beautiful.
“That’s a magnolia.”
“Like the one on Danny’s grave?” He can remember that, even though I only mentioned the name once.
“Yes, exactly, you’ve just never seen it in full bloom.”
“Didn’t you once say you like magnolias because they make you feel close to Danny?” Yes, I did. But that must have been at least six months ago. I nod hesitantly. “Then come on, let’s go.”
I’m not as enthusiastic as he is, because what he doesn’t know is Danny hasn’t been with me since our first kiss on Saint émile. Not even at the cemetery, at his grave. He’s moved on.
Hesitantly, I stand under the tree and look up at the dense, white canopy of blossoms, letting my thoughts drift.
A gust of wind blows through my hair and suddenly he is here.
His smile is gentle, knowing, and my heart is beating so fast I’m afraid it will jump out of my chest. Reflexively, I squeeze Dayyan’s hand a little tighter.
“You’re doing well.” Not a question, a statement, and I send him a silent yes. “I’m happy for you, you deserve all the love in the world.”
“You would’ve deserved that too.” Tears well up in my eyes, and even though Dayyan can’t hear our words, he pulls me closer to him.
“Life had other plans for me.”
“I miss you.”
Danny smiles. “Because you’re still wondering what might have been.
” True. “It wouldn’t have changed anything.
What you two have is too big, too inevitable, too unavoidable.
Even if we had been still together, you would have fallen in love with him.
You would have fought against it, just as you did, and eventually I would have let you go because you were never mine to have. ”
With blurred vision, I look at Dayyan, then up again. “Some people wait half their lives to find what you two have, some forever. Stop questioning it, take it.”
The first tear breaks free and rolls down my cheek. Dayyan immediately wipes it away with his thumb. “Do you think we would have gotten together if Danny was still here?”
He looks at me thoughtfully. “That’s what I try to tell myself when my subconscious tells me that someone had to die for me to be this happy.”
I look into his warm brown eyes and see his hope and his fears. He lays everything out in front of me, everything that belongs to him belongs to me, and I belong to him. Danny is right, in the end, I would’ve always found my way to Dayyan.
“Danny and I were just two gay guys in the same place at the same time. Curious and horny.” I look up, hoping for confirmation, and a gust of wind shakes the branches.
Dayyan laughs out loud. “We’re not curious and horny?”
I shake my head, grinning. “We are, but we’re not just that. We are so much more than sex, and I would’ve found my way to you. Maybe I would’ve taken a few wrong turns...”
“Is that so?” Dayyan’s eyes well up and I kiss him tenderly on the forehead. Him, Dayyan, the love of my life.
“Definitely. Sometimes I pinch myself when I lie alone in bed at night because I can’t believe that all of this is actually real. Ouch! Hey? What's that for?” A sharp pain shoots through my body from my back.
“It’s all real, see?” Dayyan tries hard to maintain a serious look, but his lips twitch and the first laugh lines form around his eyes.
“How do you do that?”
“What?” The smile breaks through and I laugh along with him.
“You make everything so easy.”
“Superpower. The details are super confidential, sorry, can’t tell you.”
I throw my head back. “You’re impossible.”
“But you love me for it.” He looks up at me defiantly, and I surrender.
“Not just for that, but for so much more. I love you. Period.”