Chapter 1 #3
The stress was boiling over. I would say I couldn’t believe Duke came up to my job, but I could.
That shouldn’t have come to a surprise, considering the nigga was very selfish.
Didn’t give a damn about anything but getting me back to where I was years ago.
Stupid, lacking self-love, accepting of the bare minimum just for the sake of keeping up appearances.
Fuck appearances. I was slowly but surely letting people see the real.
That Duke and Mahogany weren’t nearly as happy as we lead people on to believe.
Today was supposed to be a good day. I’d secured the biggest contract of my career.
Had breezed through that meeting as if it was nothing.
Which was insane, considering the whirlwind of surprises that sat at the conference room table with me.
I held it all together. With everything on my shoulders, I put on a smile and secured a deal with Skylight fucking Industries.
Didn’t wear my pain, tucked my excitement too, and allowed Mahogany the Mogul to do what the mogul did.
All the while… I was both crumbling and melting.
I should’ve been smiling. Should be fucking soaring on cloud nine.
But I wasn’t. I was so mad tears stung my eyes.
Yep, once again, I was on the verge of tears and you know what?
I wasn’t mad at Duke this time. I was mad at myself.
Mad because I stayed. Mad because I didn’t leave when I had the nudge to, years ago.
Had I done that, he wouldn’t have had the opportunity to steal my got damn joy.
“You hear me? I’m just—”
“Please shut the fuck up,” I calmly said, as I hit the unlock button on my cars key fob. “Just shut the fuck up,” I repeated with a huff.
The bitch nigga was too stunned to speak.
I wondered if it was because I’d been quiet the entire five minutes he rambled on and on, or if it was because of the calmness in my demeanor.
Whichever the case, he wasn’t expecting that.
I wondered… if he wasn’t expecting that, then what?
Did he think I would be open to conversation?
Did he think I would apologize about staying out last night?
Thought I gave a fuck about ruining the birthday plans?
I didn’t have an apology for choosing me. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not anymore.
At least in the moment, I didn’t.
Who knew what tomorrow would bring? Who knew what I’d allow that ugly thing called fear to do to me? I hated it. Hated me. Hated him. Hated it all. I just… I needed a bottle of wine.
“Shut the fuck up? That’s all you got to say after I was looking for yo’ ass all fuckin’ night, Ne? Where the fuck was you at? Huh? You know Sparkle was up all night, looking for you to come home? You trippin! All this shit over nothin!”
Stopping at my car, I looked up at him, towering over me at six foot three inches tall.
That sadness I mentioned seeing on him earlier was sadder up close and personal.
But did I care? Not at all. It didn’t matter to me that his brown doe eyes were red, with bags underneath them.
It didn’t matter to me that it was obvious that his low-cut Caesar hadn’t been brushed in hours.
The flatness of his expression didn’t bother me neither.
It was as if the life had been sucked out of every part of him.
And things would only get worse if he was doing what I felt in my spirit he was doing.
We weren’t even broken up, and he was down bad.
Leaving him would destroy him and with that I was a o-fucking-kay.
“I’m trippin over nothing?” I laughed. “I was in the middle of a fuckin’ meeting and you kept calling. Not only that but you just had to bring your ass down here. Knowing! I know you don’t care but—”
“Now I don’t care. Mahogany, get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. If there is anybody who’s always been in your corner when it comes to Couture, it’s me. I just—”
“You just care more about getting what you want, right?” I interrupted. “Sat down here for all this time, constantly calling me knowing how important that meeting was for me. Don’t seem like you care at all.”
“You didn’t tell me it was with a group of niggas neither,” he stated, completely disregarding how disrespectful he’d been. “Who the fuck is them niggas?” He asked with his arms crossed over his chest, sizing me up, deepening his frown.
I drew back with a light huff. “Nigga, if you don’t shut the fuck up! Asking about men I’m working with when you can’t be faithful to save ya’ fuckin’ life!”
He sighed and ran both his hands over his head.
Duke, like most men with a good bitch at home, was territorial and always worried about losing me to someone better.
How ironic was that? Barely did anything to keep me, but yet he was worried about someone else coming in and doing what he should have done long ago.
Appreciate me. Love me. Completely. Not the half assed shit he’d given for damn near twenty years.
As expected, he changed his tune. Quick.
“I’m not even tryin’ to argue with you though. I want to talk—“
“No, you don’t, Ducati. Because talking to you won’t do shit but lead to an argument.” I paused and lowered my voice when I noticed Tami walking toward her car. Looking between him and her, I harshly whispered, “You know I don’t do this shit here.”
If the trouble in paradise wasn’t obvious before, it sure as shit was now. Duke didn’t visit Couture and he’d been down here twice, back-to-back. Both times under questionable circumstances. And now, we’re standing in the parking lot arguing. What the fuck was my life?
He tossed his head back with annoyance. “My fuckin’ bad!” he whispered back with his eyes centered on mine. “I’m just—NeNe… you didn’t come home last night. Didn’t answer the phone… didn’t know where you was at… none of that. But I’m supposed to be cool right? I’m supposed to—”
“You’re supposed to have respect for what the fuck I have going on!” I yelled, noticing Tami pull out of her spot.
“Man what?” He questioned with a frown. “Mahogany… did you just hear anything I said? You didn’t come home last night. That was a selfish ass move and… look baby. All of this shit is for nothing. I—”
“You know I’m not the same bitch, right?”
He drew back. “What that supposed to mean, Mahogany? Man look—“
“You know exactly what it means,” I interrupted, reaching up to stroke his thick, unruly beard. “I know.”
With a sigh, he closed his eyes, and I watched as his face slowly softened into my touch.
It didn’t matter that the gesture wasn’t lovingly.
It was threatening. Delicate and subtle, but my demeanor said nothing of such.
Still, Duke melted into it because it was me touching him.
He was obsessed with me. Despite cheating…
he couldn’t get enough of me. Lately for sure.
Maybe because he felt me leaving. Felt me growing colder with every passing second.
However, we were like that for each other, as sad as it may be.
I was addicted to him for other reasons.
He was my person, and I was his. I looked to him for emotional stability and comfort.
Like home, as fucking crazy as that might’ve been.
We were that. Crazy for each other for completely different reasons, in completely different ways.
When he melted into my touch, butterflies filled my stomach and that part of me came to surface.
The young, na?ve side of me who loved Duke despite his flaws…
despite the cheating… despite the emotional neglect.
The part of me who I’d just said I wasn’t anymore.
Felt like she reared her ugly head just to remind me.
Just to prove me wrong. I was still her.
She still existed. Might not have been in the front, but she was there, buried under years of emotional turmoil and heartache, feigning for a piece of connection.
Pathetic.
Quickly, I snatched away, sighed and turned to get into the car. I hated young Mahogany. Wished I could bury her completely. Wished she wasn’t a part of me. Wished she wouldn’t get in the way of so much. Wanted to kill her just as badly as I wanted to kill him.
But.
I couldn’t do neither, remember?
“You know what? Ain’t shit for you to know, Mahogany!” Duke plead, catching the door as I was closing it. “You goin’ home? Don’t matter where you goin for real though, because I’m followin’ yo ass. You ain’t doin to us what you did last night.”
Us.
He wanted me to feel guilty about leaving the kids wondering.
Wanted me to feel like a shit mom because no one knew where I was at.
Wanted me to think my children hated me just because I’d spent the night away from home.
He knew my kids were a soft spot, bringing them up this time was just him using them as a weapon.
“Duke, fuck you. Move!” I yelled, snatching the door so hard I damn near slammed his fingers in it.
He didn’t waste any time walking away to get in his car to do exactly what he said he’d do—follow me.
It was pointless because I was going home.
I had to, remember? Wished I didn’t. Wished I could vanish, and no one would bat an eyelash.
But I wasn’t living for me—I was living for four little beings who depended on me.
So, despite how much I hated their father I had to go home.
Had to sit in my children’s face and lie about the reason I didn’t come home last night.
With him beside me. Hated how I had to do life with him for them.
Before I started the engine, I flipped my sun visor down and forced a smile through teary eyes. Today was a good day. Today was a good day. Today was a good fucking day. With a sigh, I reached over, grabbed my phone and called my daddy because I promised him I would with the good news.